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  • #31
    In reading all this I have a few questions. I have noticed this entire thread is about MONEY, again another female just wanting the bottom dollar line. How have you guys worked out visitations for your STBX? I assume that since he, according to your own words, raised these kids as his own and supported them that they will continue to see him and he will get generous and liberal visitations with them. If he was abusive to one child(only accused not convicted yet?) I also assume that the courts would order supervised visits until they feel it is not needed. Or is this ONLY about the money? I have not read once where you talked about how hard the kids are taking their parents breaking up, missing him etc.
    Like a few others I am totally confused on why the bio dad isnt paying anything. Even if you have 50/50 living some money is handed over one way UNLESS you make exactly the same wage. And you stated you dont. As far as your STBX being abussive, controlling etc....IMO you let him so its just as much your fault. He wouldnt let you buy a car, how old are you? You cant make decisions on your own or make purcases on your own? GIVE ME A BREAK! You stayed. Because you didnt have the guts to leave you are now making him pay in the only way that benefits you MONEY! There are so many avenues an abused person has to help them get out! You should have used it.
    FLAME away people...I am sick & tired of victims!

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    • #32
      we can't work that out as of yet and I encourage a continuation of his relationship with the children. Remember there is a no contact order due to him being arrested on 6 counts of domestic assault, one being on a child. one count of uttering threats, and one improper storage of a fire arm. There will be no resolution till sept on that. Nothing I can do about access at the moment. The children do miss him and would love nothing more than to continue seeing him.

      I would probably urge you to educate yourself on domestic violence before you go blaming somebody who is going through the process. And I did the majority of the shopping here but one does not go out and make a big purchase such as a car without consulting with their spouse . There are many reasons why women/and or men stay in an abusive relationship and its all about control and power. We take back our power when we leave/have the person arrested. Wow this has never been really a money issue. and frankly I take great offence to the comments you make about abuse victims. People like you are the reason women die every year. They keep their mouths shut to the abuse because they get the blame.

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      • #33
        What I am questioning is why you signed off on support from the biological father and now you are going after the step father with vigor. That's the part I don't understand. Please explain it to us all.
        This is about money and that is it why don't you just admit it. You signed off on support from the bio so your SOL for money from him and now your only other option is the step dad. Just wait until these kids decide to live with him and your paying support to him. Whats your argument going to be then. You make him pay support for them then they can go live with him also. Just remember that he has rights to the kids also and your the one who is forcing it. If he pays, actually even if he doesn't pay he has rights to see them and go for joint custody. Careful what you wish for.

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        • #34
          He was arrested Jan 25th of this year. I had him arrest not because I didn't love him and want him to be here but that I was done getting smacked around, shoved into walls spit on and called everything but a white woman. I did this to have it all stopped. I thought perhaps a lightbulb would go off in his head that this relationship was not as rosey as he thought and that the abuse was not acceptable. I wanted him ultimately to return to his home with us and the children. If we don't have a home then how is it possible? he has been the primary breadwinner in this home for two years of his own insistance and subsiquent to that I did work, full time at first, part time later on at his assistance, he didn't like my job, hated my hours, took time away from him, etc. Those who are educated in abuse know that this is a control and power issue. His power has been money. So to make that short he has handled the majority of the finances for the house. He never thought my income meant anything even though I did use it mostly for household things.
          When we went for custody of the girls my son had already been living with us. Split custody of the kids. He had been a supporting parent to the boy for almost all of our relationship. He was part of the custody case, filled out an affidavit of his own accord went to the courthouse and swore to it and agreed that no support would be paid by bio dad. this was not a decision bio dad and I made without his knowledge. Prior to the girls moving in with us he the step father paid for sports, clothing, school supplies, their transport etc. he had no issue and it was not at my instance but at his. We also took annual family vacations. Everything that a normal family unit would do.
          So that being said I had hopes that after all of this we could work out or marriage, get it on to the right track. He has a no contact order. He cannot see me or the girls at the moment. He can ask for joint and the girls love him and miss him. I did not get married for a couple of years I got married for life and waited till I was much older to do this.

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          • #35
            I'm very well versed in domestic violence as I am a survivor of it and was in the same boat as you are. I just don't understand signing off on the bio dad and not the other who abused you and your children. Are you just trying to punish him because in the end only you and your children are the only ones that are going to suffer. You can't get money from a stone.

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            • #36
              i am not trying to punish him at all. I had hopes that in the end of the criminal proceedings, that we could talk, get prospective councelling (not marriage) and work out the abusive issues.

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              • #37
                and being that he has always been responsible throughout the course of our relationship he would and should continue to do so in some form

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                • #38
                  Originally posted by MaksMom View Post
                  In reading all this I have a few questions. I have noticed this entire thread is about MONEY, again another female just wanting the bottom dollar line.
                  She had a question about money, does that mean that the only thing that matters to her is money? Big assumption on your part.

                  Access isn't tied to support, they are two separate issues. Is there some new rule on the forum that we only answer questions about support if the poster has dealt with access and custody?

                  I do agreee that the OP is avoiding the question about why she hasn't sought support from the bio father, but the question of whether the step father should be paying support isn't tied to that. Were the children "child of the marriage" as per the Family Law Act? Then support should be paid.

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                  • #39
                    i believe I have answered the question several times about why the bio dad hasn't paid support or why I haven't. I'd further like to add a point since when are newly victims of domestic violence attacked?
                    I have been in contact with the bio dad and I have told him he needs to provide my lawyer with his financials as my husbands lawyers are going to be challenging the custody order. My husband their step father has stated in several legal doc's pertaining to custody of the girls that we do not require support as he makes enough money looks forward to financially supporting them for a long time etc. as it stands now they have impuded bio dad's income into the cs. So indirectly he is being held accountable. I also said this in a previous note.

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                    • #40
                      I agree - there has been no answer as to why the bio parent isn't paying CS for his children.

                      Your STBX ( I hope) IMHO has been "playing house" with you and your children. I know that you married him, but he did not adopt your children. I know that the law deals with your kind of situation by addressing the fact that some people are parents in every sense of the word except biologically.

                      But common sense should prevail. Just because there is a point in law that could further your cause by making him accept responsiblity for his actions, and the only way to do this is financially, do you really think that this is going to change him? Do you think he's going to wake up some day and say "they made me pay CS - I must be a really good dad now!" NOT GOING TO HAPPEN.

                      Move on .... I totally understand that you are hurt and disillussioned and feel like he has walked away from his responsibilities, but he isn't going to change and you can't make him.

                      The best revenge is to pick up the pieces (it's not easy and it takes time) and move on. The ultimiate slight to a control freak is indifference.

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                      • #41
                        Here's some various comments/observations:

                        Yes, you have answered the question about CS from the bio dad several times, but your answer is not acceptable. You can't bargain away CS in a separation agreement or court order forever. Maybe a judge agreed at the time with no CS, but there has been a material change in circumstance now that step dad is gone. Now the kids need support from bio dad, and let's not forget, it's the kids best interest that is most important, not your outdated agreement. BTW, why in heaven's name did you bargain that away anyway???? That's bordering on irresponsible.

                        You should definitely be pursuing CS from the bio dad, and the judge this week apparently confirmed that. Your case for support from step dad will be strengthened if you claim CS from the bio dad, as currently it can (and has already in this thread) be argued that you are vengefully pursuing support from step dad, when bio dad should be stepping up.

                        Your case for CS from step dad is a slam dunk. That he was with you 11 years and married you speaks volumes on it's own. You having kept all those father's day/birthday cards etc is gravy. You don't need to worry at all about that especially now that you have an interim order for support.

                        Don't be concerned about the lies he's telling in his affidavits and financial disclsoure. That's par for the course in these proceedings, sadly. The truth will come out, but it may take a long time. Don't get stuck in the lawyers sending letters back and forth to each other. That does nothing except increase the conflict levels and line the lawyer's pockets while you both call each other names. Keep pushing the matter towards trial. Educate yourself about the case management system and push for settlement conferences, trial management conferences etc. If you haven't been to the family law information centre already, do it sooner than later.

                        Originally posted by rwatson View Post
                        he should be the lucky one that I stayed home, watched the children, took care of the home, made sure the bills were paid on time, (he can't pay a bill to save his life) shopped for him, ran the kids around, did his laundry, ran a bath for him everyday for 10 years so that it was ready for him when he got home from work and made sure that he had a hot home cooked meal every night as well as his lunches made for him every day..and lets not forget making sure that the other mundane tasks of motherhood were taken care of such as doc, dentist, eye apts and school apts.
                        Well you may done those mundane tasks of motherhood, but you have been quite clear that he did a lot of fatherly things too. You can't make very lengthy arguments about how he acted call like a father for CS support purposes and then turn around and paint yourself as the do all parent.

                        Originally posted by rwatson View Post
                        I am so sick of men justifying not paying mothers who run the household and take care of the children or men who abuse their partners and then don't want to pay when situations like this arise.
                        Don't go there AT ALL. I am sympathetic to your situation, but do NOT climb aboard that stereotype. It's a cheap and trashy comment. It invites me to make an equally offensive remark like "I am so sick of women who lay false allegations of abuse to get the man removed from the home and then suck him dry for support for life while she sits on her ass doing jack." Both those statements are inflammatory, counter-productive and cause the parties to focus on character assassination instead of settlement of their differences and moving on with their lives.

                        You said that he didn't let you work. Forget the controlling argument. It's tired and it's yesterday. It doesn't matter anymore if that is true or not. All your doing there is running him down.

                        Today things are different. He isn't around to control that. You also said that you haven't been able to find work since the bar you worked in closed down. Well unless you live in a one horse town, there are other bars you can get work at. If there aren't, move to a place where you can get work. You also say you are educated, so presumably you have other marketable skills.

                        This is a very tough time for you and your family, I get that. Show some backbone and get a job. You will look back later and give yourself high praise for supporting your family. If you don't get a job you deserve to have an income imputed (not impuded) to you. Most importantly, your kids will look up to you as a hero and a role model that didn't lay down in the face of adversity.

                        Originally posted by rwatson View Post
                        I find it rather funny that I win an emergency motion today...
                        Get away from the win lose mentality. Nobody is a winner in separation/divorce.
                        Last edited by dadtotheend; 06-19-2010, 04:30 PM.

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                        • #42
                          Well said dadtotheend.

                          rwatson your bitterness and chase for whatever you can get your hands on will only cause you heartache in the end. Your not going to win in the end. Your going to wake up one day and say to yourself I wasted my time, energy and had sleepless nights chasing and came up empty. You'll regret the time you wasted filling out paperwork and wished you spend more time with your kids. The money you may get out of your ex will be spent on your lawyer. Actually your lawyer will eat it all up I guarantee that and your still going to be in the hole.

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                          • #43
                            I am well versed in the ways of abuse. I was hit ONCE and I swear he didnt get a chance to do it again! I had kids & I sure as hell didnt stay so they they were in a position to get hit too. You stayed, you let it go on. You claim what? weakness? It appears you arent weak now...hired a lawyer and are gunning for ALL THE MONEY you can get from him. You now have the ability & know how to go to court and stick it to him. Where was that when your kids were living with an abusive person? Im sorry but I dont buy it. Claims of abuse are so common now as days that one has to wonder if some of those claims are true. You contacted his EX WIFE? WTF is that all about? He doesnt have anything to do with his other kids? You stayed with him knowing he was a loser??!!!! You make him pay for YOUR kids but not his own? OMG...keep talking ....you are digging yourself a sad pathetic hole. If I was your kids Bio dad I would take those kids away from you in a heart beat...you clearly have not thought about them or their welfare at all!
                            Your STBX is abusive, controlling, demanding, doesnt pay or see his own kids and you still go into a relationship with him??? I just dont know what to say. No sympathy here for you....you kids yes as they are innocent and I sure hope they turn out ok after everything they have been subjected to!

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                            • #44
                              What a trashy commentary THAT was.

                              " If I was your kids Bio dad I would take those kids away from you in a heart beat...you clearly have not thought about them or their welfare at all! "

                              Seriously? Real 'parents' don't deprive their children of their right to be with their other parent. What a disgusting comment.

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                              • #45
                                Opps, looks like i should have started my own " half-assed and poorly thought out ethics thread", as previously suggested, sad...... very sad sad situation.

                                Comment

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