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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 08-02-2012, 03:09 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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He didnt call the cops. It was all a threat, intimidation tactic and he knew that if he actually called it would look worse on him. He did continue with the ruse, texting me and saying he would call, right up until I had arrived, exactly at 5:30. I drove all the way to my appointment (45 mins), found out that the doctor was now too far behind for me to do the appointment and still meet him at a reasonable time. So I rescheduled, and drove 45 mins back to meet him.
regardless of whether he actually called or not, his threats prove that he is STILL using intimidation and threats to control me. Yes, he is responsible for picking her up, and I have told him that I will continue doing him this favour until this camp session ends. The next 3 weeks of care will now be his responsibility. He can arrange for them, pay for them, and if he needs extended care, then he can send me a bill for half of that extra cost. I am more than willing to pay for the half of extra care, but not his share as well

As for dealing with a high conflict person, it is almost impossible to diffuse the situation. Sure, you can get things going on a good track, but all it takes is one slip (of either of you) and that person is drawn right back into the anger, the manipulation and will again attempt to establish whatever control they can. This has happened so many times in the past 3 years, and I am growing weary.

At what point should I start the process again to get full custody? We have parallel parenting, but it isn't working, obviously. He wants to interfere in my life, tell me I cant live where I live, or who with, that I can't put our child in camp, etc. He is not a bad father, but he has no respect for me, even though he will say I am a great mother. Great parents dont make bad decisions, and therefore there should be NO reason for him to constantly interfere. How much of this do I have to endure before the court will see it is NOT WORKING, and damagin our child???
  #22  
Old 08-02-2012, 03:30 PM
Pharah Pharah is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
As for dealing with a high conflict person, it is almost impossible to diffuse the situation. Sure, you can get things going on a good track, but all it takes is one slip (of either of you) and that person is drawn right back into the anger, the manipulation and will again attempt to establish whatever control they can. This has happened so many times in the past 3 years, and I am growing weary.
You are both responsible for the high conflict situations, like they say it takes to to tango. The best advise I had even been given on this site was to treat my ex like a business partner and leave all personal feelings out of it and that has been echoed in the past few hours.

If this is truly a high conflict situation, I would suggest that you move away for direct contact and use email instead, unless there is an emergency. All communication should focus on your child, provide updates as needed. Keep it formal, unemotional and to the point.

As for going back to court, I would not recommend it. My ex tried to get sole custody stating that shared custody was not working. She almost lost custody all together. Be forewarned. All the court cares about is your child, not the parents bickering. Make it work or get a parenting co-ordinator involved to resolve differences. Your child will be the better for it.
  #23  
Old 08-03-2012, 01:21 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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You are both responsible for the high conflict situations, like they say it takes to to tango.
.
While your intent is to help, it DOES NOT take 2 to tango. Have you actually read anuthing about high-conflict individuals? These people do not KNOW how to separate their own selves from their children.

In the past 3 years, EVERY SINGLE suggestion I have made with my child's best interests in mind. No abused woman OFFERS 50/50 to their ex unless it is child-focused. I'm not saying I haven't ever given in to the fear he can still provoke, and gotten upset and frustrated, but there is only so much instigation a person can take.

Yor previous suggestions work for parents that are child-focused. But when one parent constantly looks for problems (like complaining that I move 5kms farther from my kids school) there is not much you can do. Avoidance only works when there is no decision/change required. At some point ALL of out custody arrangement need change, and if that person resists change or refuses to even negotiate, then conflict arises again.

My daughter is starting 1st grade. She is no longer the 3 year old our arrangement was written for. She needs a new daycare, andis tired of doing the same things all day, every day, all summer long, and with kids who are younger than her. She wanted to try new things, like swimming, and summer camp, and she wants to see her friends and still keep seeing her cousins on her dad's side. I can see that there are changes that will benefit her, that will NOT impact his time or relationship with either parent in a negative way.

And so I advocate for these changes that will benefit our child. We sat through mediation with the intent of doing it, but the whole time he kept bringing up past conflict, from our marriage, and from post separation, that had nothing to do with our kid. If he cant get over his own emotions, How the heck are we going to get anywhere? Its time he grew up and stopped fighting me. I am acting on behalf of my child, while he is still seekeing revenge and asking to talk about the past.
  #24  
Old 08-03-2012, 01:29 PM
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BC; I totally understand what type of individual your ex is. That's why my ex and I cannot and do not speak. It is utterly pointless. And while true, that often it takes 2 to Tango, sometimes it takes only one person to do a miserable "dance" and cause nothing but havoc and destruction for anyone nearby.
  #25  
Old 08-03-2012, 01:53 PM
Pursuinghappiness Pursuinghappiness is offline
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Quote:
At what point should I start the process again to get full custody? We have parallel parenting, but it isn't working, obviously. He wants to interfere in my life, tell me I cant live where I live, or who with, that I can't put our child in camp, etc. He is not a bad father, but he has no respect for me, even though he will say I am a great mother. Great parents dont make bad decisions, and therefore there should be NO reason for him to constantly interfere. How much of this do I have to endure before the court will see it is NOT WORKING, and damagin our child???

Billie:

I'm sorry for what you're going through. Are you keeping records of all of this? The problem I've seen with change motions is that the burden of proof is 10-fold. You need far more evidence.

I seriously cannot understand why ex-spouses involve the kids in this way thinking its never going to catch up with them.
  #26  
Old 08-03-2012, 01:56 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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Thanks hadenough.
I would much rather not have to talk with him at all, except for emergencies. However, he claims he is "too poor" to afford a phone plan with data, and so all our communication is via text (which is hard to ignore sometimes). Our order is written to minimize contact, but it doesn't always work.

There is only so much one person can do to try to smooth things over, avoid conflict etc. I can't be letting him "have his way" if it is not good for my kid. Maybe if it is not negative, I can /and have agreed.

The most recent example is when I asked If I could have my daughter for one of his Sundays because I had tickets to a water park from my family. He said I could have her. But when I discovered the tickets were not valid on Sundays, I planned her birthday party for the day, assuming he would be ok with it.
Well, when he found out that the tickets werent valid for the requested day, he took the day back. I tried to explain that we had planned her party then and already handed out the invitations that morning. I needed to keep it that day because my bf's daughter would not be able to come on my weekends with my daughter, and the girls are best friends.
Instead of caring how upset both girls would be because they would not be able to celebrate together, he thought only of himself. Letting me keep the day would have meant he had "given in". I told him that it was his responsibility to explain to our daughter why her party date was changed. He did, and my daughter came home saying, "daddy doesn't care that my friend can't come. Daddy is mean".

I should never have planned something else on the day that was "his" without confirming that I was allowed to change the plans to do something else. I should have known that he would feel entitled to agree to it. But is that right? Was he thinking of his daughter when he took that day back, after she told all her friends and handed out the invites? There was no reason to disappoint her like that. Yes she is still having a birthday party, and I told her I am sorry and that it was partly my fault. But she is smart enough to know that her dad was not thinking about her feelings when he changed his mind
  #27  
Old 08-03-2012, 02:01 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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I am trying. I send my text messages to my email. they are detailed enough to keep a record of what the problem is etc.

I know it takes a lot, and I really dont want to change custody. I just want this to END. But realistically, the chance of either of those things happening are pretty slim.

At this point this continued conflict, and the same type of conflict between my BF and his ex (who is also HC) is causing a relationship breakdown between us. We are both too stressed out and stretched thin to maintain anything other than emotional support and understanding of our mutual torture. It is so sad that they have this power to ruin what is the best and most supportive relationship I could ever hope for. We are at this point just trying to maintain a friendship and support each other and hope that we can put things back together soon.
  #28  
Old 08-03-2012, 02:18 PM
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Hopefully you can work things out between you. I know, it's awful when there is so much turmoil that it colors our world and has a way of seeping in, thereby defining who we are/have become. This is something I have been taking a close look at, within myself. Slowly I hope to emerge from all of it, and look forward to the day that it really is "all in the past."
  #29  
Old 08-03-2012, 02:36 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by billiechic View Post
The most recent example is when I asked If I could have my daughter for one of his Sundays because I had tickets to a water park from my family. He said I could have her. But when I discovered the tickets were not valid on Sundays, I planned her birthday party for the day, assuming he would be ok with it.
Well, when he found out that the tickets werent valid for the requested day, he took the day back. I tried to explain that we had planned her party then and already handed out the invitations that morning. I needed to keep it that day because my bf's daughter would not be able to come on my weekends with my daughter, and the girls are best friends.
Instead of caring how upset both girls would be because they would not be able to celebrate together, he thought only of himself. Letting me keep the day would have meant he had "given in". I told him that it was his responsibility to explain to our daughter why her party date was changed. He did, and my daughter came home saying, "daddy doesn't care that my friend can't come. Daddy is mean".

I should never have planned something else on the day that was "his" without confirming that I was allowed to change the plans to do something else. I should have known that he would feel entitled to agree to it. But is that right? Was he thinking of his daughter when he took that day back, after she told all her friends and handed out the invites? There was no reason to disappoint her like that. Yes she is still having a birthday party, and I told her I am sorry and that it was partly my fault. But she is smart enough to know that her dad was not thinking about her feelings when he changed his mind
Let me put myself in your ex's mindset (ew, icky!). You told him you had tickets to a waterpark, and he generously rearranged his access to let you take her somewhere special. Then he learned that you weren't going to the waterpark but were instead doing a birthday party. To him, it looks like the waterpark thing was a total fabrication, that you intended to do the birthday party all along, and you were manipulating him to get his consent to change days. And to curtail the manipulation and show you that future instances of it would be unacceptable, he felt it was necessary to rescind his permission for you to have your daughter on what ought to have been his day. To his mind, you are to blame for the entire situation, and any hurt feelings your daughter has are not his fault, no matter who had to explain it to her. Just because your daughter validated your perspective over his doesn't make his less valid. Sounds like he feels that he is on the defensive against you, and while his reaction was not in your daughter's best interests, sometimes this is necessary to prevent an ex from deviating willy-nilly from an overall agreement.

You may be involuntarily contributing to the tango without realizing it, simply by making assumptions that he will be reasonable.

I would be upset if my ex told me he was doing something special with our child, and I made arrangements regarding it, then found out that the something special was not to happen after all, but I would still not be recovering my missed time with the child. It feels like being double crossed, and the correct response is to return to what the court order says.
  #30  
Old 08-04-2012, 04:43 PM
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I also strongly disagree that it takes two people to cause a high conflict situation. Sometimes it really does take just the one. If a person is angry enough, controlling enough, and cruel enough, they can cause conflict all on their own.

I'm really sorry you have to deal with a person like this, and truly hope it works out for you.
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