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  • #16
    IF his motives ARE about the money, then he might still jump at the 50-50 offer (makes him look good), then start skiving off on some of his access days (making your life impossible to plan). I really like Rioe's suggestion, but just saying this is one possible outcome. Then you might be back to court again to say he's not exercising 40%, so full CS should be payable.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Rioe View Post
      So call his bluff. What I would suggest is that you offer that the kids' access time be divided exactly 50-50. Perfectly fair, hard to argue against, and good for the kids to have each parent involved equally in their lives. If he protests, you know it really is all about the money for him.
      50/50 is what we originally had (week on/week off) when we first split up. Then he moved, then I moved, and all along I would have liked to have returned to that 50/50 arrangement, but it only made sense to me if we lived in the same city. I tried to talk to him about moving this way a year ago and he was dead set against it, then he spontaneously moves this way saying it is because there is no work back home (duh), and yet it doesn't seem like he has plans to work. There is not a shortage of work here.

      Since he lives an hour away, he can't logically take them every other week (how would he get them to school every day?) - that means his 50% would all come from their free time, right? That makes me sad, because I will lose that quality time and mostly just have their "school time" when they are not home.

      But maybe I am being selfish. I'm finding it hard to be objective about this. 50/50 is most fair, but I also don't want to end up missing out on their entire summer every year and their entire march break every year and all of their weekends, etc. He doesn't want to move to this city, which is fine - but it sucks for me, I guess, is all.

      All of this time, I haven't made the fact that he wasn't paying any support an issue, and as soon as I bring that to the table it seems like he is interested in changing the amount of time that he has them. It was never brought up like this in all the years that I didn't ask for CS. It is making me frustrated and I just want to not deal with any of it.

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      • #18
        Look, the courts don't like it if custody is all about the amount of support one parent has to pay.

        That said, we all have issues with support. If changing one day a week allows a parent to feel secure about their finances, this should be a huge factor in coming to a compromise.

        He has the children roughly 1/3 of the time under the current schedule. That means he is supporting them 1/3, but (in theory) would be paying 100% CS. He doesn't see this as fair, he sees it as threatening, and you would see it the same way if the roles were reversed.

        There is nothing wrong with wanting to come to an arrangement where both of you can feel secure about finances as well as your time with the children. Approach it from this direction and you will probably be able to reach an amicable arrangement.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Ames View Post
          50/50 is what we originally had (week on/week off) when we first split up. Then he moved, then I moved, and all along I would have liked to have returned to that 50/50 arrangement, but it only made sense to me if we lived in the same city. I tried to talk to him about moving this way a year ago and he was dead set against it, then he spontaneously moves this way saying it is because there is no work back home (duh), and yet it doesn't seem like he has plans to work. There is not a shortage of work here.

          Since he lives an hour away, he can't logically take them every other week (how would he get them to school every day?) - that means his 50% would all come from their free time, right? That makes me sad, because I will lose that quality time and mostly just have their "school time" when they are not home.

          But maybe I am being selfish. I'm finding it hard to be objective about this. 50/50 is most fair, but I also don't want to end up missing out on their entire summer every year and their entire march break every year and all of their weekends, etc. He doesn't want to move to this city, which is fine - but it sucks for me, I guess, is all.

          All of this time, I haven't made the fact that he wasn't paying any support an issue, and as soon as I bring that to the table it seems like he is interested in changing the amount of time that he has them. It was never brought up like this in all the years that I didn't ask for CS. It is making me frustrated and I just want to not deal with any of it.
          Don't worry about achieving 50/50 - it is not reasonable when the parents live an hour apart - not sure who's 'fault' it is - but you did say he moved first.

          It seems to me that if he wants 50/50 he has to move really close to you (my ex is 1 km away in same school zone). Anything else is not in the kids best interests - they can't live in two different towns.

          Either they live primarily with just one parent, or you live close to each other (as close as possible), and you share raising the kids in THEIR neighbourhood.

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          • #20
            I guess I feel a little frustrated; despite the fact that he isn't working (or works very little), that doesn't change how much it does cost to raise the kids. So if he is just looking for a way to pay less child support, after I have given him a break for the past few years, that makes me choke a little. I feel like he is taking advantage of my hesitation to push this issue of CS at all.

            I get that it is based on his income, but his low income means he already would be paying a fairly small amount - and we are left to cover all of the difference, even if that is substantial. He doesn't make much, but he is CAPABLE of making enough to help me to cover costs of raising them. So I feel let down, again, maybe.

            It is hard to me to feel secure about finances when I feel like the financial responsibility will ALWAYS fall to me - I can't count on him. Maybe my feelings are just hurt. It is hard for me to feel secure about custody when I feel like 50/50 means that I wouldn't get any "fun" time with the kids, just the "business" time. I like the idea of 50/50, and we had talked about working towards living in the same town eventually (when he finishes whatever school he decides to take next and decides where he wants to settle). But now 40/60 just came out of nowhere, and it would take away a lot of the quality time that I get with the kids too - so maybe you're right. I feel insecure about things. Maybe he does too, but I'm trying not to be pushy.

            It's not one day a week that he wants to change - it is all summer, every march break, every long weekend, etc. Basically whenever they are not in school.

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            • #21
              Thank you Bill, that is what I wanted to work towards.

              I told him I'd be willing to talk about relocating only when he was sure where he wanted to live (they are not planning on staying in the town that they are in right now), otherwise I'd like him to move here where the kids are already settled. He was on board with that until last night.

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