Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

My situation - she was arrested for domestic violence.

Collapse
This topic is closed.
X
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • #31
    Monday morning I am heading to get the order and establish this as their residence, custody, etc. then we will work out access to the kids.

    She has called several more times, insisting that this is "destroying the kids". I reminded her that the time they have been away from their mom so far is less than the amount of time they are suggesting they be away from their dad every single week, but I cut myself off at that point so as to not engage them further.

    I'm feeling much more confident now regarding the decision I am making. Up until this point I've not had many friends and my entire perspective and sense of self worth (plus sense of self doubt) have been engineering by her. She has always opposed engaging any third party in our matters and this has kept me without a frame of reference. A lot of it is starting to make sense.

    Comment


    • #32
      Originally posted by sad_dad View Post
      Monday morning I am heading to get the order and establish this as their residence, custody, etc. then we will work out access to the kids.

      She has called several more times, insisting that this is "destroying the kids". I reminded her that the time they have been away from their mom so far is less than the amount of time they are suggesting they be away from their dad every single week, but I cut myself off at that point so as to not engage them further.

      I'm feeling much more confident now regarding the decision I am making. Up until this point I've not had many friends and my entire perspective and sense of self worth (plus sense of self doubt) have been engineering by her. She has always opposed engaging any third party in our matters and this has kept me without a frame of reference. A lot of it is starting to make sense.
      Do you have call display?? If so stop answering the phone or if you have a machine, let them leave a recorded message on the machine. That way if they get nasty on the machine you can use it as proof as they know they are being recorded.

      To say that this is destroying the kids, what about the abuse you suffered the the kids must have witnessed?? I think that would do more harm.

      Comment


      • #33
        Originally posted by sad_dad View Post
        She has called several more times, insisting that this is "destroying the kids". I reminded her that the time they have been away from their mom so far is less than the amount of time they are suggesting they be away from their dad every single week, but I cut myself off at that point so as to not engage them further.
        More outrageous behaviour. She got herself into this. It is her behaviour that has caused this situation. This is not your fault. It is hers. Do not back down. That she would try and blame you for her screw-up makes your obligation to secure primary residence and custody all the more pressing.

        Let her leave you a voice mail or three. Then you can save the messages and tell her that you have her on record as contacting you in violation of her bail conditions and that you will hand this information over to the police if she keeps it up. And then follow up.

        You don't need her harassing you or even contacting you until at least such time as you have secured the children's living arrangements. Once that is done you can consider some access for her.

        Comment


        • #34
          Sorry, misuse of noun - "she" == partners mother.

          Comment


          • #35
            The posters are 100% bang-on...listen to the advice given DadtotheEnd has a great point, in that, if you get it on voicemail, it is time and date-stamped, and can be used to show the courts that she does not respect or abide by their decisions or orders...and sad as it sounds, someone who cannot follow bail conditions (with the consequence being back in jail) is less likely to follow any legislation, including the Hague Convention, or any Interim Order...

            You need to:

            a) seek a restraining order that restricts any communication from her, including that from (specify!) her parents, unless done via email not more than once per week, limited to child-focused topics.

            b) apply for Interim Custody, placing restrictions on access. What restrictions, you ask? 1-supervised access only, contingent on her applying for and receiving treatment for anger management, education on the effects of spousal abuse on children (short and long-term), and learning to use effective communication to prevent further abuse. I know that you want to allow access, but by doing so, you are condoning her behaviour, allowing it to continue...and, while the children have not yet been abused, who will she hit in your absence?

            c) seek counselling yourself for victims of abuse

            Comment


            • #36
              Sad_Dad,

              I kinda felt bad making the statements that I did, but I want you to know that I made them in your best interests. I just don't want you to make the same mistake that so many others have made in abusive relationships.

              You at first didn't believe you can make this work given your schedule. But you know what, you and many other single parents have made it happen. They beg, borrow and work with whomever will help to make it happen for the kids. Because you know what, that is what good parents do.

              If you are unwilling to stick up for anyone, please stick up for your kids. They need you to be a rock right now as they learn to adjust to their new life. Come on here and vent, rant or do otherwise open up about what ails you. We may be abrasive at times, but we are here to figure out what is best for you as a parent of kids who don't deserve to be put in a situation that is only detrimental to their future.

              Comment


              • #37
                The police were just here as they called and said they were "afraid for the childrens safety".

                I told them they could look around all they want and they did, no problems of course. Kids were sound asleep (they woke one of them up, but apologized)

                They were also kind enough to let me know that they said she is going to court tomorrow for custody.

                I've read in some brochures that I need a parenting plan in order to actually get custody? I'm trying to make sure I am as prepared as possible, heading out tomorrow first thing in the morning.

                Comment


                • #38
                  Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                  Sad_Dad,

                  I kinda felt bad making the statements that I did, but I want you to know that I made them in your best interests. I just don't want you to make the same mistake that so many others have made in abusive relationships.

                  You at first didn't believe you can make this work given your schedule. But you know what, you and many other single parents have made it happen. They beg, borrow and work with whomever will help to make it happen for the kids. Because you know what, that is what good parents do.

                  If you are unwilling to stick up for anyone, please stick up for your kids. They need you to be a rock right now as they learn to adjust to their new life. Come on here and vent, rant or do otherwise open up about what ails you. We may be abrasive at times, but we are here to figure out what is best for you as a parent of kids who don't deserve to be put in a situation that is only detrimental to their future.
                  Don't feel bad. I've had 3.5 years of someone telling me exactly how wrong I am in every imaginable way, and forcing me to not speak to any friends who have so much as even thought against her.

                  I had no idea child care was actually possible when I posed that. I saw the Waterloo regions priority level for a single working father. Combined with her no longer spending (plus she has a special diet... ) I'd come out ahead. I just hadn't looked at real numbers. Family has offered to help in the interim between now and child care arrangments, so all of those concerns have vanished.

                  I take care of the kids equally as well as her if not better - all the "games" the kids have are the ones I made. She loathed this about me. I have an RRSP, I have an RESP for the kids, I work for RIM and have tremendous career prospects and opportunity. Short-term these kids are ecstatic and haven't shown a sign of fuss aside from normal two year old stuff. Long term, I will get ensure these kids have a life very full of experience, put them through post secondary education, etc. Mother has no high school, has worked less than 6 months her entire life, has no concept of budget, earnings, or even day-to-day coping skills: She says she doesn't need a drivers license because she will "never drive" -- it's too scary. Etc., etc...

                  I will not have my kids lives crippled at the hands of someone who has no ambition or thirst for life. Someone who refuses to take public transit to go somewhere because it is beneath her. She feels nothing but entitlement. They will see her when she is under control and stable, and she will satisfy the vital role of a mother figure in their lives... but I am more than willing and able to take care of every single other detail.

                  Comment


                  • #39
                    Glad you got the childcare situation sorted out and are taking steps to move forward. Sad that she called and reported the children were in danger but I think now maybe you see what you're truly dealing with.

                    You feel remorse for calling the police for the abuse - even though it was most certainly the right thing to do - however she feels none for what she did to you, she's already making things worse by reporting that the children are in danger with you. I'm sorry to say it, but the poster who said she was a controlling, maniupulative abuser was correct.

                    When applying for custody of the children, emphasize the things that make you a good parent, have your plan ready including things like childcare and how you plan to be more involved in the childrens' lives, leave out the things that make her a bad parent or trashing her.

                    Comment


                    • #40
                      Originally posted by sad_dad View Post
                      I work for RIM and have tremendous career prospects and opportunity.
                      You also have an employer that will be supportive and understanding of any time you need off to deal with the issues.

                      I'm glad you've decided to take everyone's advice.

                      Comment


                      • #41
                        My heart goes out to you. I know how hard this is, and given that she has been manipulating you for so long, it's hard for you to see the reality of the situation.

                        Please stay strong and follow through with the emergency order for custody. You also need a restraining order. This shouldn't be hard to obtain and you don't even need a lawyer. Just go and get one TODAY!

                        As for counselling, please don't go to family counselling just yet. I made that mistake. Unless she has gone through counselling on her own, and actually come to terms with her abusive behaviour and is making actual progress, it is NOT going to help you. You need to get counselling on your own, from someone trained in family violence. You should qualify for that counselling through victim services (since she has been charged with a crime).

                        PLEASE get yourself some help, find out what options you have and set up the most stable home you have for you and your kids. IF she gets better, and you decide to try to reconcile, you need to be the strongest person you can be. It's not easy, but you will thank yourself for doing it, and maybe one day your kids might too.

                        Good luck, and if you need to talk, PM me.

                        Comment


                        • #42
                          I was advised by duty council that an emergency motion would probably not be heard - they suggested that I go with a notice of motion - serve it and file it for an earliest court date of the 14th.

                          I obtained the conditions of her bail so that we have them explicitly to attach as an exhibit.

                          She was there this morning, too - but I was not served with anything, and I checked, she did not file an emergency motion either. They basically made the trip from St. Catharines to Kitchener to get a copy of forms that can be printed online

                          I have no doubt that her mother promised her the world - that "we'd have the kids back within an hour" and other unreasonable things ad nauseum.

                          My writing is terrible, and so I've decided to take the forms as filled out under the advice of duty council as rought drafts. Bought a printer and I'm going to type them up.

                          The order will include restraining her from my work, parents homes, etc. as well as this place. Plus a police clause, etc.

                          I saw two duty council members, both were extremely helpful and dare I say, eager to assist because I was a man.

                          After the forms are filled out I'm supposed to go back on Wednesday for FLIC - from there, I hope to have them served Thursday and filed Friday.

                          EDIT:

                          Forgot to mention - she will not have access until the court date/an order is set. I will not be answering the phone anymore and all messages that come from her mom will be recorded. I will be mentioning this in the affidavit - plus false accusations regarding the childrens safety.

                          Comment


                          • #43
                            You might want to log if you can remember all the times they did call and even if you do keep a recording of all the messages, keep a log of the date and times when her parents called you. When in doubt log! Log everything you feel you need to.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              That's a good first step. Let us know how you are doing.

                              Comment


                              • #45
                                I went to see FLIC today to have my forms reviewed/corrected. I returned home to correct them (doing it all electronically for tidyness) I was served by her mother.

                                She's asking for temporary sole custody and joint custody in the general app. She is (falsely) accusing me of sexual assault.

                                I'm a little irritated because I was told that I could not make corrections to the forms, I had to completely rewrite them. It was also strongly suggested that I use a computer. I have hand-written chicken scratch with numerous lines crossed out - for example the part about asking for spousal support and child support has a check mark in it, but then the words themselves are crossed out. What does that mean? Changed your mind? Refill the form, right?

                                That may sound petty and perhaps it is but had I not been refilling these forms and driving back and forth I could have had her served and been done. When I returned to FLIC for advice, the man I saw had left and the only person there had seen her and was unable to help me beyond telling me to fill out the same forms 14 and 14A except as Respondent rather than Applicant.

                                When her mother served me, I said "Thank you" and walked away. The door has an automatic closer on it. She stuck her foot in the door and yelled to the children to come see her, and told my mother she was "here to get the kids". They are still with me of course.

                                I can't see FLIC again until Friday - but that is when I need to serve the papers by... I don't think that's going to happen. I am going to pop in and see Duty Cunsel tomorrow morning and I have an appointment for a free consult for 2:30. I hope duty counsel will fix up anything on the new 14/14A forms, and then the law assist lawyer will give me some sort of "go for it" on the forms and we can discuss whether I should be respresented.

                                I mean, I can serve and file the papers whenever. Comparing my orders/claims to hers, mine are extremely detailed, ordered and comprehensive. Hers is virtually "I hit him. I made babies. I want babies."

                                The corrections that were made by FLIC were some grammatical ones, pluralization or switching one word for another. All-in-all I think I'm good.. and am somewhat inclined to just serve the forms and file rather than try to see lawyers two more times. Those visits can be after the fact type consults as well, right... looking for suggestions here!

                                I'll then get my dad to make a copy of the forms as he lives in the same city where she is staying and hopefully he can serve her.

                                FACS also came to the house as part of the police report, said they had no problems with it, but several concerns about her parenting based on my statements (no vaccinations, swatting the children, etc.)

                                Comment

                                Our Divorce Forums
                                Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                                Working...
                                X