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  • I need a nanny 911.

    So I am the step mom two two young girls. The case between their parents is ugly. From Day one there have been problems in getting the children to behave respectfully and well. We have tried all my usual discipline and communication techniques. Some being recommended by an Adlerian child care specialist and most just my tried and true methods.

    The problem is we are up against such inconsistency at their mothers house. She goes from extremes of over indulgence to over discipline and severe punishment. We have had to call CAS before for the physical discipline to stop. (We were never told the results of the case - it was simply closed). The children tell us if they do something wrong they either get locked in their room, their toys thrown out, or told she is going to do something but not letting them know what that something is. I guess this is better than getting flicked in the mouth or spanked. Not really!

    The mom has now registered the kids in different schools (against their wishes and they are distraught about being separated - they are very close.) This may be one of the reasons for causing more anxiety.

    Their is next to zero communication between parents and obviously she isn't going to voluntarily get on the same page as us regarding a standardized discipline between houses. Or read a book or take a parenting class.

    The behavioral problems in the youngest are getting to be very worrisome.

    The older one has had emotional issues that we have been able to navigate with through though the advise of a counsellor.

    The mom called the counsellor and refuses to let the children see her. This means we can't take the younger one for these behavioural problems. Yes, we have in in our answer to the application (she is taking us to court for sole custody) that we seek an order for counselling to be provided to these children.

    When asked - in a state of calm why the younger one is acting out she say's it's because I don't want to go home to mommies.

    I don't know how to handle the out burst when they happen because NOTHING seems to work - she is very destructive and hits and says she doesn't care if she loses her rewards or has a toy confiscated because she doesn't care about anything. Of course our methods to her must seem pathetic compared to the fear she feels at her mothers.

    The behaviours are disruptive and very concerning. I am having difficulty coping with this. I am a loving mom and have raised a well adjusted and behaved son. He is totally confused and upset why this behaviour is allowed in the house. It certainly isn't allowed ....But what can we do?


    HELP!
    Last edited by karmaseeker; 06-19-2011, 08:54 AM.

  • #2
    My heart goes out to you and your family. When you have the talent and wisdom to guide life's most precious forms, our children, and are prevented to do so the pain and frustration can get unbearable.
    As you are aware by now, you and your family are up against a terribly corrupt and dysfunctional family court system in this province. Having said that you need to work maximally with what you got.
    1) Try and get a section 30 assessment done ( how old are the children?). To me it sounds like the mom has a personality disorder ( perhaps other poorly treated mental health problems). OCL isn't sophisticated enough (or gender neutral for that matter) to deal with your problem.
    2) Try and get a parenting co-ordinator listed on the court order. This person must have legally binding powers. This will help for future problems.
    3) how far into the legal process are you?
    4) Why (do think) she is pursuing sole?

    Comment


    • #3
      1. We have brought up a section 30 to our lawyer - we do not know where we stand. There are negotiations for a private assessment - strangely enough her request - I guess she thinks she can out wit an assessor. I would agree with your assumption that she has a personality disorder. The question then goes --- does one know they have a disorder?

      OCL denied involvement - maybe thankfully.

      2. We have asked for a parenting coordinator as well. It seems like everything we ask for is rejected (mediation, arbitration, coordination,) all rejected. She is agreeing to a private assessment which I just can't figure out the motive. It works for us and the kids to have this but the $$$$ involved is unreal. We need to know that if we go this route it will be the end as we'll have literally no lines of credit left to dip in.

      3. We are waiting for a case conference scheduled for July. Took us 9 months to get here and $12,000 in stupid legal letters flying around getting us no where but broke.

      4. She is pursuing sole because: ?
      a/ she doesn't like the fact that he has a voice now and is standing up for himself and the kids. It was very emotionally abusive a relationship and he was whipped (not literally). It has taken him years of counselling to learn to voice his opinions.
      b/ She wants absolute control.
      c/ She wants him out of their life as she has found a new man and even threatened to change their last name.
      d/ She wants to win
      e/ She wants to ruin him (financially) as she is very vengeful.
      f/ she is delusional and lies so much she can't remember her own lies.
      g/ all of the above
      Last edited by karmaseeker; 06-19-2011, 04:32 PM.

      Comment


      • #4
        Ok ,
        I can relate, as I see similarities in behaviors between this woman and my ex. Mine has a confirmed cluster B personality disorder. Do research this as it's vital to "know thy enemy".

        The reason she and her lawyer are agreeing to a section 30 is they don't see the problem. Most people with PD are not capable of the self awareness to help themselves. These disorders are largely intractable also.

        Lawyers love women with PD and money. They often guide them all the way to a full trial.
        1) do research assessors in your area. there is a huge variance with skill and bias. Stay away from assessment that exceed 10k. A well respected assessor by the courts is a good place to start.
        2) The two of you(you and hubby)need to have a serious talk how far you are willing chase the process. For me the first question that needs to be answered is " do you wish to win or lose?. Family court is not about justice or fairness or "child best interest" Its about money and gender politics. If you answer you wish to win, be prepared to use up all your money and capacity for debt. Lawyers ( via your financial statements) know how much they can bleed you for and they are world class at it. Already they have clipped you for 12 k just to move paper around(you are likely no further ahead than when you were first served...right???)

        If you answer yes to win treat all your reasoning and decision that this is a war. I read Sun Tzu " the art of war" and attribute much of my success in family court to this book!.

        Comment


        • #5
          Also, I have spent over 200k in legal fees over the last 2 years, represented myself in two motions successfully and am about to enter a 3 day trial next week over custody. My story is very typical.

          Comment


          • #6
            My question is this.

            If we get our section 30 and or a private assessment done (we found a guy who gaurentees report with in 2 to 3 months) for between 12,xxx to 20,000) and he identifies a PD - she is going to fight tooth and nail any recommendations against her. How can we get this to be over? When is there an end date?


            I think it is unconscionable to knowing leave the children in an environment so emotionally and mentally abusive (Yes I used the word abusive - it is what it is) so we can't just call it quits or we are essentially as bad as the abuser. IMHO.

            We either fight this together or I leave as I can't do 12 years of watching these kids suffer and disrupt my own sons equilibrium. Sometimes you have to fight - simply because it is the right thing to do.

            Yes the system is crap but accepting maltreatment of kids because a system is crap is not for the faint hearted but the ONLY option.

            I will definitely get my hands on that book.

            Some questions for you. Why if you keep winning the motions are you in trial? Did she fail to accept any of the orders? Can you tell me a bit about your story or link to your background from another post?

            Thanks

            Comment


            • #7
              If we get our section 30 and or a private assessment done (we found a guy who gaurentees report with in 2 to 3 months) for between 12,xxx to 20,000) and he identifies a PD - she is going to fight tooth and nail any recommendations against her. How can we get this to be over? When is there an end date?
              Here's the trick around it....come up with a short list of assessor's..then give HER the final pick. (as it's really hard to argue against your OWN CHOSEN ASSESSOR).

              Did that with my ex, she chose not to participate beyond one meeting...then tried to argue against the report.

              I think it is unconscionable to knowing leave the children in an environment so emotionally and mentally abusive (Yes I used the word abusive - it is what it is) so we can't just call it quits or we are essentially as bad as the abuser.
              You need to call CAS EVERY TIME the kids report the level of abuse you are claiming. Locking the children in their rooms is illegal and a safety issue.

              The mom has now registered the kids in different schools
              And of course Dad has voiced that he doesn't consent to this unilateral change without him being given opportunity to have input correct?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by NBDad View Post
                Here's the trick around it....come up with a short list of assessor's..then give HER the final pick. (as it's really hard to argue against your OWN CHOSEN ASSESSOR).

                Did that with my ex, she chose not to participate beyond one meeting...then tried to argue against the report.

                That's why we want it court ordered so she can't pull out after she clues in it is not going to go well for her.

                You need to call CAS EVERY TIME the kids report the level of abuse you are claiming. Locking the children in their rooms is illegal and a safety issue.

                CAS did nothing (IMO) and getting him to call first time around was hard enough. We brought our concerns to her , and she shut down everyone by denying it. The kids behavior combined with what they say speaks differently. WE document every thing. I don't think CAS is prepared to deal with this kind of stuff. Unless there is obvious bruises or the kids say the magic words "I am scared of mommy" then we feel our hands are tied. We don't want to make it worse for them because she will retaliate.


                And of course Dad has voiced that he doesn't consent to this unilateral change without him being given opportunity to have input correct?
                He can voice is non concent til he is blue in the face. He can voice he wants counselling and she refuses. He can voice give me my make up time when she schedules activities for the kids in his time. He can voice give me equal access to my children in the summer. He can voice anything - doesn't make any difference whatsoever. She retaliates and finds some other way to shaft him and outright says NO - I won't change that or I won't alter my plans. She doesn't care about the kids needs or reaching any resolution. She won't agree to ANYTHING EVER. She takes away his time with them at her discretion and then threatens "to call people" if the children aren't returned at a specific time. He doesn't want to make a scene with the kids having to go through watching the cops get involved so he patiently waits and we document everything.

                Comment

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