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  • #16
    Originally posted by lost22 View Post
    Sorry guess I've lost my sense of humor too
    it happens, but things will get better.

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    • #17
      Thanks standing. Guess I'm hyper-sensitive these days.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
        hey come on Skndlz2904 was just making a joke to try and make you laugh, that is why the big green smile face.
        standing, you are one smart cookie...

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        • #19
          Lost22:

          He is not the type to take anything more than what we discussed.
          Be careful there. Not trying to be cynical but the problem with the divorce process is that its designed to make people mercinary even if they aren't designed that way. I'm not suggesting this will happen to you but I think the approach should be to hope for the best and prepare for the worst.

          You do really need a support system during divorce. Its a tough process..even for those of us that wanted it to happen. I can't say I have any feelings of loss over getting rid of my horrific stbx but I do feel loss over my home and the changes in my life sometimes. Divorce means a lot of change and sometimes the days are truly rough to get through. You're going to have to leave the kids out of it and find people to talk to, cry to, and help you through the process. Your family, friends, maybe a consellor or a support group. You can try meetup.com, there are some divorce groups that meet on there depending on your area. I think a lot of people miss the illusion of what they thought/wanted their partner or marriage to be than what it actually was.

          Best wishes and I'm very sorry about your loss.

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          • #20
            Yes, I would be very careful as well. Around here, we see so many horror stories about how we expect one type of behaviour and then go through hell when we get another instead. I bet you were confident he wasn't the type to ever separate from you either! If you can't stand to watch, invite a friend over that day who will watch for you while you sob in another room or something. Divorce does something funny to people, and makes them do unexpected, and nasty, things. It's scary.

            As for your (former) stepdaughter, it's such a shame that your relationship with her has to come to an abrupt stop just because the relationship with her father ended. He's just being an asshole and wanting you to suffer without regard for what it's doing to his daughter. The best interests of the child is to continue contact with you. Do you have contact information for her biological mother? If you're on speaking terms, perhaps you can chat with her about continuing the relationship with her daughter in some fashion. At least you'd have an address to send cards and presents to on special occasions, and it won't be long before she's old enough to contact you on her own, if she wishes.

            Once you're past the emotional shock, do some research on former step-parent rights. I know that former in-laws are able to continue grandparental relationships past the divorce of their child. Maybe there's something similar that would apply to your situation.

            As for your situation itself, it's a huge emotional shock to have our world turned upside down by being abandoned by a partner. You need time to sort yourself out, and maybe seek counselling to help you get through the initial stages. There is no shame in your feelings. Just don't let them govern drastic decisions you make at this point. Ie, don't sign anything in haste!

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            • #21
              Originally posted by lost22 View Post
              I'm struggling with how to accept this, how to get out of bed in the morning, wondering why he doesn't want to fight to save our marriage which was idyllic the first 7 years. We were best friends.
              Start by being honest with yourself: you know the marriage was not perfect. You know where it was lacking. There is something that you or he was brushing under the carpet and hoping it would just go away during those 7 years.

              Regardless, you can not go back in time to change things. Dwelling on the past usually only makes you more miserable. There is a simpler way to move on: start looking at other men. I mean that seriously and not as a joke.

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              • #22
                Stay with you pain, breathe, eat, sleep (if you can), clean up (the house and addictions), focus on getting your health back, get counselling, be truthful (it sounds like you are), stay away from blame and criticism, stick to feelings and needs, curl up with friends, write to us folks who are here for you. Do the pain or you will do it again next time around.

                The most incredible thing for me has been to see all things as teachers not problems (how Buddhist of me!) but really, anything that triggers me, hurts me, is my teacher and a lesson in my own journey to wellness.

                Pema Chodron has an amazing book that i recommend for lots of clients in your shoes: When THings Fall Apart.

                Triage the most important things. Get some help if you can't do things yourself.

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                • #23
                  Hi all, well its been a chitty week. I walked in on my husband of 23 yrs and his girlfriend( best friends wife). I have gotten over the initial shock of it... now I am in mourning... constantly breaking down. Ate my first real meal in days. Thank god I have my folks here for support and all my ( was ours, but not after finding out ) friends. I just am hoping that someone can tell me where to begin. I am at a total loss.

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