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Advice Requested - March Break & Other holidays

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  • Advice Requested - March Break & Other holidays

    I'd really like some advice from people who's had to deal with similar situations. Am I being reasonable or should I just "move on"?

    I have joint custody of 1 child who is 15 years old, equal share of time.

    My issues are that when it comes to holidays or other events, there is a pattern of alienation and I'm always left with little or no access.

    In past years, March break is generally alternated. However if I'm not traveling on my year, my ex insists that the child be with them and generally just keeps child regardless of what I say. This year my ex says "they have plans" however child knows nothing about it, says that they are travelling. They insist on keeping the child over March break, the weekend before and the weekend after. I'm not really happy about it, as I have a blended family and our weekends are generally planned well in advance.

    Summer holidays follow a similar pattern It's generally ignoring the court order, taking the time and saying "too bad". Last year, ex kept child on my agreed upon schedule, and the child missed a good portion of our family vacation as a result.

    My experience so far with the courts haven't been great. I've attempted medication, counselling, etc... it's been a "my way or the high way" attitude so far... Any suggestions on options?


    Thanks in advance

  • #2
    Originally posted by Gilligan View Post
    there is a pattern of alienation and I'm always left with little or no access.
    If you go to court, terms like 'alienation' should be used with extreme care.

    It sounds like she is ignoring your court order. In that case you could file a motion of contempt.

    Information on what is contempt

    Personally my ex did things like this all the time until my lawyer sent her a letter explaining the repercussions of 'my way or highway' attitude. The ex then went to the court and had a clerk explain the finer points of the SA.

    Every 6-8 months I have to send her a 'reminder'.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thats not alienation. Thats refusal or denial of parenting time or contempt if the order. Even then, contempt is a mountain.

      Posters need to stop throwing around alienation. Alienation is no contact with your kids AT ALL. And its long term not “my kids havent talked to me in two weeks”.

      Comment


      • #4
        I ma unclear if child is refusing or if parent is refuseing. What would happen if you said you expect to follow the parenting plan and you will be there at such and such a time, and show up? would the child come out or refuse to get in the car? if it is the child refusing, can you find out why? do they want to hang out with their friends and will miss out? has a job? did you have a big fight about something? maybe if you know why kid doesnt want to come, you can work on that specfic issue?

        Comment


        • #5
          You are right, it is denial of access / parenting time and contempt of court. I use the term "Alienation", as it has been a systemic pattern for a number of years to deny me access with my extended family and to marginalize the relationship with our family.

          I realize that a contempt motion is a mountain and my ex doesn't "scare easily", so even if I brought a contempt motion forward if there is no real repercussions (doesn't sounds like there is), then the behaviour will continue.

          I've lost entire holidays because my ex would keep the child knowing that our travel plans would have to be cancelled.

          Realizing that this is the reality, is it even worth court action? My child is 15.

          Comment


          • #6
            At 15 they make their own decisions. You could try appealing directly to the child and try to get them to decide but they are heavily influenced by their mother and are stuck as a prisoner of war so to speak.

            You can still try to enforce your access. Make plans and show up. Insist she release the kid. Or just deal directly with the child.

            Comment


            • #7
              Rockscan, thanks for the input. I think you are spot on, I know that appealing to mother and showing up for access won't work. Been there, done that and its only resulted in more animosity and loss of access.


              I think it's time to switch gears as my son is older now. I don't like bringing him into these issues, but perhaps it's the only way that these issues will stop and empower him to make the decisions.

              Comment


              • #8
                Don’t badmouth mom, don’t drag him in, don’t involve him in the beef. “Hey bud want to get a bite and go to a show?”; “hey man, how about a weekend of video games junk food and dad time?” Etc.

                Being in the middle sucks. He lives with her and has to deal with her wrath. “Oh you love dad more than me?” “Why don’t you just leave me?” “Everything ai do for you” etc. I’ve been there right up until the age of 35 and it is unpleasant!

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                  Don’t badmouth mom, don’t drag him in, don’t involve him in the beef. “Hey bud want to get a bite and go to a show?”; “hey man, how about a weekend of video games junk food and dad time?” Etc.

                  Being in the middle sucks. He lives with her and has to deal with her wrath. “Oh you love dad more than me?” “Why don’t you just leave me?” “Everything ai do for you” etc. I’ve been there right up until the age of 35 and it is unpleasant!


                  I completely agree with you here. I've done my best to help the child have a great relationship with his mom (and he does FWIW). I honestly want him to have a good relationship with her, it's his mother and I would never want to put him in the middle of it. My problem is that he "is" in the middle, when mom keeps him on my scheduled holidays and he misses out on summer vacations and trips with our family. I honestly just wish my ex could follow the court order, minimize contact and conflict would be reduced.


                  My intention isn't to "tempt" the child or try to create conflict, but perhaps let him know what the schedule is and plan for any variations imposed by mom. My alternative is to let mom dictate schedule and just deal with the loss of access, which isn't very appealing.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    He will see through it eventually and make his own decisions. Remember that she controls every aspect of his life right now. When he gets to 17 and 18 he will feel a bit more empowered. She only does it because she knows it bothers you. She is obviously unmarried and alone and bitter.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                      He will see through it eventually and make his own decisions. Remember that she controls every aspect of his life right now. When he gets to 17 and 18 he will feel a bit more empowered. She only does it because she knows it bothers you. She is obviously unmarried and alone and bitter.


                      That's the irony, she's remarried, has another child but is clearly bitter and has control issues. It's been a long road and I still seem to be object of her attention.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Gilligan, judging by the age of your child doesn't she have a phone or access to a computer where she can make her own arrangements with you?

                        I don't think this is worth going to court over, by the time its makes it way through the system, your child would have aged out. I believe that is age 16.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          kate, yes my child has a cellphone. My goal is to try to resolve it by not involving my child but that doesn't seem to be going well when my ex just goes on a trip wit the intent of keeping child on my access time.

                          At this point, I will just be as honest and fair as possible and not engage in these games. Agreed, despite this being "contempt" not much will come of it.

                          Comment

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