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  • #16
    Wow, some very bitter people on here, slughead10 that is quite a strong and very bitter comment to make. My oldest who is in university does work in the summer and loves his job, as he is studying police fundamentals and forensics and will be in his second year this year, he does not contribute to the household in anyway.He has purchased his own vehicle and he pays for that, I by no means am or have raised children with no direction or responsibility . I am starting to think from most of these comments come from some issues that some of you have... Just for the record he is not my "meal ticket" its his obligation to pay and to take care of his children and me until deemed otherwise by a judge. Well I can say this when I posted I was upset and angry now I am seeing that I need to file my separation agreement an be compensated for the abuse that he put upon my family, he needs to pay for therapy for these kids and I will fight to get a court order for that and he needs to compensate me for all the years of physical, emotional and mental abuse that he caused, it's the least he can do for all the hits to the face, kicked around on the floor,shoved into walls and blocking the punches to my kids that resulted in 2 black eyes for me and a chipped bone in my elbow. having said that I do thank you all for your reply's. As for the mocking of going on social assistance... nah its not for me beside I own far to much I would never get accepted : ) ohhh and just so you know lorlaman I have started a business from my home so I do work!! I am a professional cake designer with a culinary degree my friend... problem is they don't want there chefs on the floor in fetal position during a panic attack!

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    • #17
      geesh I was abused also but i did not want compensation for the knive to the throat or loaded gun pointed at my head. I just wanted out. I had more then two black eyes in my time with my first ex. You had the option to leave him and you didnt. I know that it is hard but everyone reaches their breaking point. If you tell a judge you want money for the abuse, they are just going to tell you that you could have left. Your sense of entitlement is really out there. He should pay CS and maybe SS for a limited time but you have to get your act together and get a job, if your meds make you tired then talk to the doctor about getting them changed.

      You have to make some postives steps in your life or maybe you should go home to your parents and expect them to support you like you expect your ex to support the kids into their 50s. After all according to you it is what parents do. If you do not like the responses I am sorry but sugar-coating doesnt point out the flaws in your logic. People are blunt and straight to the point. If you want hand holding and people telling you what you want to hear then this is not the place for you.

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      • #18
        I am not questioning your abuse and I am sorry that happened to you , but truly being abused and controlled by someone you do not see the option to leave. I don't need anything sugar coated, If you chose to let your ex get away with the abuse that was your choice. Mine will be a different route. I don't need anyone to hold my hand either and if I needed help from my parents, there door is always open as mine will always be for my children.

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        • #19
          Oh I love reality, live it everyday, if you read the post you will see I have stated that I do work! now I get the bitterness from your posts .. your bitter!! maybe you should have fought a bit harder and then you wouldn't have all the resentment that you apparently have. Oh have sucked it up too but hopefully I will sink him down, its called taking my power back.. you should try it.

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          • #20
            Don't worry, Distraught, what you're experiencing on this forum is just the standard newcomer wake-up-call. This isn't a forum that sympathizes with you, but it will give you the goods and a wealth of experience, and help you get your head on straight for when you are up against worse in court.

            As for your particular situation, yes, it does suck that child support will end when your children graduate, even if they can't find jobs and continue to live with you and create expenses. But you know it's coming and you can budget and plan for it ahead of time.

            Or, maybe you can convince the kids to go to graduate school, and your ex to keep paying.

            Or, spousal for eight years after an eighteen year marriage is kind of a bad agreement. Maybe you should ask a lawyer if that can be reopened, as it sounds like you may have signed under duress.

            Or, maybe you can decide that peace of mind from not having to deal with him ever again is priceless, and make a go of it on your own, and let your kids deal with him as adults by themselves.

            Family law isn't perfect, and no it doesn't always approximate what would have happened had the family stayed intact, and it certainly doesn't compensate for having been abused. That's the wrong approach to take.
            Last edited by Rioe; 09-01-2011, 12:08 AM.

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            • #21
              Ok break it up or get married already!

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              • #22
                Thanks for your response Rioe, I appreciate it very much. I think in the midst of the anger on this forum which I initially started as a rant turned into an all out attack on everything I was saying. All I want is what is best for my children, I do agree that they need to deal with him but they are afraid of him to the point where my daughter is afraid to ask him anything and she s 17! They have had to deal with a lot as have I, but as stated I have "sucked it up" I am happy for having had the strength finally to leave and I regret that I didn't sooner. I am a much stronger person today and wont allow anyone to walk all over me ever again or treat me any less then I deserve as a human being to be treated. Also let me point out that he barely see's his kids maybe once every 2 months if that.

                I feel obligated as a parent at the very least to have him pay for some type of counselling for them to help them deal with all that they have been through. The separation agreement is not even filed in court! at his orders because he refused to do a financial statement as the numbers would not add up, again he hides a lot of cash money. I know I still have some issues when it comes to him and some of them will never get resolved but I live with it and I make strides everyday to move forward, I also have ptsd from all that was caused by him and I am working on getting over that. My children and myself are dealing with a lot and again as I stated in a rant that turned nto whole mess, I don't feel its fair that he gets to walk away from all that he has burdened us with and left us to deal with. There possibly may be nothing I can do but I will not give up without some type of fight.

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                • #23
                  WOW - WHAT NASTY PEOPLE.
                  THIS IS REALLY NOT PRETTY.
                  YOU RESPONDERS ALL SUCK.

                  CS on 3 kids @ 200k = 3500 / month.
                  SS if applicable => tops you up to 40% of the net disposable income of the two of you (after the CS is paid).

                  Re CS for adult kids (oxymoron) Read this paper
                  Child Support for Adult Children: When Does Economic Childhood End? by Nicholas Bala :: SSRN
                  and ignore these idiots - and they are ALL idiots.

                  the counselling fees should be section 7 expenses. If you don't know what this means, you need to invest a week (40 hours) in research and reading.

                  a final word of advise. chill - this is all business.
                  It will cost you 20k. BUT if HE makes 200K you will have half of your families assets to draw from.


                  Engage a lawyer - tomorrow.
                  If he won't provide financial disclosure, the fight has really already started and you need to defend yourself with proper representation.

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                  • #24
                    Encourage Dad to keep helping the kids informally ; if he earns that much, he probably will still help out somewhat.

                    But you signed a contract; how would you like it if he decides to renege on his part of the contract.

                    You could try getting more spousal support since he's not paying child support anymore and you have health issues depending on how binding your separation agreement was. Did you both get independent legal advice? Again , you signed a contract but courts could overturn it if it was unfair.

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                    • #25
                      Just for the sake of argument, note that the Divorce Act actually doesn't mandate that children of the marriage have to be students. They can be unemployed and unable to support themselves due to "other cause" like crap job market and get support after 18 yrs.:

                      “child of the marriage” means a child of two spouses or former spouses who, at the material time,
                      (a) is under the age of majority and who has not withdrawn from their charge, or
                      (b) is the age of majority or over and under their charge but unable, by reason of illness, disability or other cause, to withdraw from their charge or to obtain the necessaries of life;

                      The provincial statutes usually require full time enrollment in school if over 18 and dependent.

                      But it sounds like you signed an agreement which would override the Divorce Act if it was a proper contract and properly signed.

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                      • #26
                        Originally posted by distraught View Post
                        I am not questioning your abuse and I am sorry that happened to you , but truly being abused and controlled by someone you do not see the option to leave. I don't need anything sugar coated, If you chose to let your ex get away with the abuse that was your choice. Mine will be a different route. I don't need anyone to hold my hand either and if I needed help from my parents, there door is always open as mine will always be for my children.
                        Who said i let him get away with it?? My option and choice was to get out before he tried to kill me again.

                        As for your comment about "truly being abused and controlled"n I am so insulted by that. He cut me off from friends and family, i had to account for every minute i wasnt with him and if i was later then what he thought getting back from the store that was good enough for getting hit as he thought i had to be having sex with some guy in the alley not that they had to change the tape on the cash register or the store was busy. He even accused me of sleeping with his brother and said it to me in front of his brother. How dare you say that i wasnt "truly abused"

                        I made the choice to get out and heal. No amount of money was going to make up for what he did to me, it wasnt going to remove the physical scars or the emotional ones. I got a restraining order against him and that was that.

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                        • #27
                          Thank you Lotus land 47 for being helpful , very much appreciated!!

                          Standing on the side lines, I was not referring to you about being abused and controlled, I was referring to myself as you wrote prior why did I not leave earlier. He had total control over everything and much like yourself I was followed , was not allowed to go grocery shopping without him, was cut off from all friends and eventually from all my family.

                          As far as the separation agreement goes, he refused to go to a lawyer said he would not spend the money, I went and had it drawn up, and used my credit card to pay for it! he received a copy and laughed, he literally just laughed he re wrote it all up again no financial disclosure not personal nor for his business.He gave me numbers with no proof, when I asked for a financial disclosure on his business his words were to take what he was offering or he would make sure I would get nothing (he has a crooked accountant too) As Rioe said just never having to deal with him again being priceless and at that time I just wanted him gone and not have to deal with him anymore, I was very glad that I could walk through my front door and there was no yelling or name calling or getting hit because it took me to long to pick up the kids from school. He makes well over $200.000 a year and there is no talking to him about helping, I actually really don't talk to him. I am happy in every aspect of my life today , I am free of him.My children are my life, although married I raised them alone. As I have state I think many times already he beat these kids, closed fisted punched the crap out of them for no reason! we were not allowed to speak at the dinner table he had to read his paper and if you dared speak you got his dinner or his plate thrown at you. This man destroyed our lives and when it is all said and done he just turns his back and goes on while I will struggle with my children adults, young teens or whatever, to me then there is no justice, our family law sucks! After 18 years of this I find it hard to swallow that he will not be held responsible in anyway.I have letter upon letter from my physician regarding the abuse as to why I suffer the illnesses that I do and it all points to him. It will be 4 years next year separated and I still question if I can stand up to him in court!

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                          • #28
                            You have an agreement, the assets are split and he is paying support. Why on earth would you go to court?

                            If you want to launch a civil suit for damages due to the abuse, you are in the wrong forum. It has nothing to do with family law. You won't get a ruling like that in family court. You need to talk to a civil lawyer specializing in personal damages.

                            The ending of child support is black and white, it isn't your choice and your opinion is irrelevent. You won't get it. That is the law.

                            You are coming across as though you want to use the family court to seek extended support for adults who are educated and fully capable of supporting themselves, just because you want to punish him. The family courts are not there to be used like that and you will get shot down immediately.

                            I'm not saying this to criticize you, I'm saying it because you are barking up the wrong tree, you are wasting your emotions, your time and your energy.

                            If anything you do is motivated by him, then he is still controlling your life. Any decision you make about him, means he is still in your head controlling your thoughts.

                            You aren't healing yourself by attacking him, either in court or here on the forum. You heal by walking away and living your life without thought of him.

                            Trying to link yourself to him for even more years by extending support for the kids isn't freeing yourself, it's keeping you connected, financially and emotionally.

                            As to the issue of how much he makes compared to how much he earns, and his "crooked accountant", this is ridiculous to worry about. You settled out of court. Any settlement out of court is going to be a compromise. You compromised. You avoided court and the legal costs which would have eaten up the family assets and put under 10x more stress and 10x more medication. You have a compromise settlement, if he was mean and laughed about it doesn't change that it is a settlement and probably similar to what you'd have gotten in a mediator's office.

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                            • #29
                              You are 100% right concerning the issue of stress and medication, that's why I just agreed. Lets put the kids aside for a moment how do you feel regarding spousal support in this matter? do you feel then that all spouses that get spousal for life if married over 20 years I believe it is are connected to their ex? or is that okay because the law says it is? How would you then tell me to proceed in getting more the 8 years of spousal support after 18 years of marriage ( put everything else aside) I don't think the CRA would find it ridiculous that he claims $50,000 and that's what he bases all payments on... sorry if I am wrong here but would that not Tick you off!! I am not attacking him I am stating facts, I am in no way emotionally attached to him... please... lol well at least I did get a chuckle at that one. I feel after all that went on and what he did that he needs to acknowledge it, and pay for it, I may get laughed out of a court room but at least I know I tried.

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                              • #30
                                HA HA HA!! thanks for that!! I went from a chuckle to an all out laugh!! You seem miserable, can I bake you a cake? I do specialty cakes and catering as well. I am already picturing the type of cake I would design for you LOL!!! LOL!!!

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