Men/Father's right's support groups.

[mts1973]

I did say fine to him when he was recording the conversation. Funny the next day he called childrens aid on me, saying I was screaming at him infront of our child, and withholding access. I said to them, he had a recorder, and they should listen, also our daughter wasn't even present during the conversation. So it backfired on him. What's being reasonable to him is changing plans at his convenience.

[mts1973]

Parenting plan? He wants the fun time, and I do all the running around. Which I don't care, but I did say earlier how there was a dentist appointment booked (like it was booked 1 year in advance) and it was on his access day. Boy did I hear every accusation in the book. This happened years ago, so now I am careful when I book appointments. I don't want to upset the poor ex hubby again. One less accusation to listen to.

[mts1973]

I need to add this as well, I certainly do my best to remain civil, and supportive, for our daughters sake. Its so hard when I know he is doing his caniving, especially to our little one. She was upset because she didn't want to go to the doctors for her yearly check up. She turned to her dad saying she doesnt like that doctor. He tried to manipulte her emotion, saying to go live with him. Later I read in his court papers, saying he feels she should have a woman doctor, because she doesnt like our family doctor, because he is a perv. He also kept quiet of certain things, just because she doesnt want to see a doctor. How can I Co parent like this? I have informed him when the kids were sick, and when she was upset about things. But he would start to battle.

[LostFather]

Parenting plan? He wants the fun time, and I do all the running around. Which I don't care, but I did say earlier how there was a dentist appointment booked (like it was booked 1 year in advance) and it was on his access day. Boy did I hear every accusation in the book. This happened years ago, so now I am careful when I book appointments. I don't want to upset the poor ex hubby again. One less accusation to listen to.

Yes you've now mentioned this dentist thing twice. I am not buying what you're selling one bit. Dentist appt can be changed and booked whenever. The fact is you seem to control that. He appears, though you've alluded my earlier question on his access with the children but it appears to be limited. So keeping that in mind if his one day that he gets through the week, you book the appt then I wouldn't be very happy as well. If you need to book Dentist appts one year ahead, or they're that hard to book at anytime, other than surgery maybe....maybe! Then you should get another dentist. If you take his concerns or dismiss over an issue such as this so easily then I would bet things are much deeper than you let on.

I would have no problems with my ex recording...as another poster said, don't say anything or act in away that makes you worry about this. Another sign that you're not the mother Teresa that you're trying to leed us in believing.

I am not saving that this guy is an angel but my guess is that you're not exactly above barr either. If you truly want to make things work parents then you both have to work at it...and as much as you may hate to hear it, you'll have to listen and address his concerns. The crap about the dentist is that...just crap on your part, in my humble opinion.

[mts1973]

Yeah...like I said I was perfect in any of this, i took responsibilty for my actions already, and now repairing and moving on. And I apologize, I didn't realize I was trying to sell you anything. Also for the dentist appointment, they usually call a couple days before the appointment day, and plus that certain dentist appointment was made while we were still
together, and there were no talks of access days, and like I said, after that I made sure I was careful. Just so that daddy makes sure he has fun fun fun. Yes and I have listened to his concerns, and he is still finger pointing. I shouldn't really need to hear it anymore.

[LostFather]

Some history

When he moved out, he wrote on paper that he wanted with the kids...every other weekend, and every Wednesday, Also what he would pay a month for both kids. We got that put legally by a mediator, he consented, and then I suppose it's a final court order. Split holidays/vacations. Calls when ever he wants and vise versa. He got all he asked for. The kids DO KNOW that ANYTIME they want to see their dad they can, I will not stop them. The kids are getting older busy with school and with their friends now. They don't want much to do with me, too cool for me. Except now the oldest doesn't want to see him at the moment, they had a falling out over a cell phone ("teenagers"..she upset that he would keep cutting it off if she wouldn't visit him) somehow I am the blame for that. Also, the youngest (soon to be 12) doesn't think it's fair her dad pays support for her sister, if she doesn't visit him. (wonder where those words came from).

I hope I am doing these posts right and not confusing anyone. To those who replied! Thanks for your time to write your reply!

Okay.....so your daughter wants to move in with him thats all wrong and he's manipulating her and you're hurt. So now when your oldest doesn't want to see dad because they had a falling out, cell phone you say...thats okay and you're supportive of that. hmmm.

You say that you're okay with the children seeing him whenever they want....but is that the access order between you too? I mean, was access set up to be at least 50/50? My guess on this would be no... from what I see from your posts you're writing them just fine but they're showing somewhat contradictions of what you say is ok and what reality is. Btw how does a 12 year old know about what dad pays whom he days for or doesn't want to pay for and inheritances? Is it all coming from him? For someone that seems not to be upset about a lot of things you seem to mention these things over and over. I see the exact opposite. I see a very upset angry mom. I see a person who says one thing and does another. I see you as pissed of and in fact do little things (digs) if you will, that you know will get him upset and know that there is nothing he can do about it because you control it.

The more I read the more I am thinking that maybe this guy should attend more of those meetings lol.

[LostFather]

Yeah...like I said I was perfect in any of this, i took responsibilty for my actions already, and now repairing and moving on. And I apologize, I didn't realize I was trying to sell you anything. Also for the dentist appointment, they usually call a couple days before the appointment day, and plus that certain dentist appointment was made while we were still
together, and there were no talks of access days, and like I said, after that I made sure I was careful. Just so that daddy makes sure he has fun fun fun. Yes and I have listened to his concerns, and he is still finger pointing. I shouldn't really need to hear it anymore.

But it does and you still do....your distain for him evident...maybe rightfully so...but when you put words like daddy and fun fun fun together it clears things up a little.

Yes thats exactly what you're in here doing isn't it...selling what you're saying, you want others to give you advice based on what you're telling them is your fact...you're doing everything right and bending o backwards to make sure you're fostering the relationship between the children and their father right? I am pointing out and maybe not so elegantly that i am not buying into all of what you're saying. I am saying that there are contradictions in your story...but hey thats just my opinion...don't have to listen to me, thats for sure lol.

[mts1973]

I have told the 17 year old she should call, or say hello to him all the time. Even when he picks. Up the 12 year old, that she go out and say hello. They both know of court orders, times days, financials through him, not me. His inhetitance? She told me that daddy wants to take her on a trip with some of her poppy's money @ christmas time. They know how much he hates the courts. He never asked for 50/50 access, I'm guessing because of his work hours, and his location where he decided to move 2 hours away. No my daughter doesnt want to move in with him, she was quite verbal about that with him and I. I know she would never oppose to him moving on the area, and her spend one week with me, and the other with me. If that ever came up, and she wanted that, how can I stop her from what she wants? Maybe you are not reading the posts right, and perhaps your one-sided aswell..not saying you are ofcourse. Why should I be pissed off? Coz I wish he can move on, and I wish he get the proper help? Only started this post speaking of wrong advise from a support group. Who inquired about some history?

[Berner_Faith]

I think many people have made it clear that unless you put your personal issues aside and focus on the child things will not get easier.. You seem very bitter towards the father, which you have every right to be, but do this on your own time. If you two can't get along then lawyer up and watch your bank accounts dwindle away.

You may need to step back and really think about it... you MAY think you are being reasonable to him, but reverse the rolls. Things you are saying are not adding up Truly think about what he is saying, yes most of it may be junk, but try to read between the lines nad find out what the under lying issue is... maybe he feels he is not getting enough access to his children, why not give him every Tuesday/Wednesday? Maybe he feels he is not getting enough say or kept in the loop enough... when appointments need to be booked, let him know in advance of booking them that the child needs to see this person because of this reason. Keep him informed... the more involved he is the easier it will be on you. Don't try to hide things from him or you will never get out of this downward spirl.

[Berner_Faith]

This wrong advice you speak of seems to be of personal opinion...

[mts1973]

Yes I understand what you maybe saying, I am trying to move past my personal issues. He has not asked for extra days. I have switched days/weekends, wanted extra hours so he can take her to a late movie all at his request. He now unable to make his access days due to his hours of work. I am not opposed if wants to meet up during the day for her lunch period ( she has almost an hour lunch) He has complained about the gas money he spends getting here. He did move 2 hours away. He has asked for sole custody and he did it in a nasty way, which I am totally opposed to, and he did it in a nasty way, that is why I did lawyer up, and it sure did cost us both, and no he just can't show up at my door any time he wants. If our daughter calls him up and wants to play at the park, or go for a donut, then fine do that, but he isn't in the area anymore for that to happen. He knows I am opened to all this. I do not want to see my daughters' daddy lose sight, and obsess on how screwed over he think he is, It will effect her . (He was the one who left us) . I know how my daughter feels, I came from a divorced family, and caught in between both parents. I lived with the guilt and struggle of what this all is doing to the kids, with the marriage ending and all.

This is all gone off topic...

[mts1973]

Wrong advice? Attacking a mother in court with lies and accusations trying to prove her unfit, with no evidence? The 20 page court papers were full of spelling mistakes, and even the wrong paper work to start off the motion? He was trying to change a final court order. Also he was calling judges, mediators, duty council, and lawyers bias and unprofessional?

[HammerDad]

I recommend to anyone going through a divorce/separation to use a voice recorder. Why? To prevent a false DV accusation. Because even in the most civil of breakups there are times where people don't think straight. It is a shield.

As for the dentist issue, IMO you could've looked at a calendar to determine if it was your day or not when the appointment was made. If its not your day, change it right then. You know you have 2 schedules to accomodate due to your situation, so its no ones fault but your own for the scheduling mis-hap.

There are levels of extremism from both the feminist and pro-dad sides. To be honest, a lot of the pro-dad sides all they want is to facilitate the relationship with the kids. They warn you to protect yourself from false accusations, don't allow your time to be infringed upon and be a good parent. Generally, I see nothing wrong with that.

[Berner_Faith]

Wrong advice? Attacking a mother in court with lies and accusations trying to prove her unfit, with no evidence? The 20 page court papers were full of spelling mistakes, and even the wrong paper work to start off the motion? He was trying to change a final court order. Also he was calling judges, mediators, duty council, and lawyers bias and unprofessional?

Again, you started off blaming the group he was part of for providing wrong advice...but the group was providing advice on what HE told them...maybe to you it was wrong advice because it was lies, but if he felt you were unfit and this is what he reported to his group, then of course they are going to give him advice on how to get sold custody and prove you are unfit.

I still feel you are letting your personal feelings get in the way. Just because he lives 2 hours away does not mean he doesn't deserve to be included in his children's lives or decisions about the children. If he is working and paying and being a father then stop the crap and get along. We live 2 hours away from my bfs kids and we are still involved in every aspect of their lives. Right down to my bf having a say in which day care/babysitter the children go to. These are decisions you make together when you are a couple, they should continue to be decisions you make together after you split.

Have you ever offered to meet him half way between his place and yours? This is totally normal, but also a majority of parents must pick up for their access time, meaning he picks up from your place or the children's school to begin his access time and then you must pick up from his residence to begin your access time...even if you do have sole custody...a simple thing like willing to split thr driving could make all the difference in the world...

Glad to see you are now booking appointments more effectively...seeing as he lives 2 hours away he will want to spend as much time with his children as possible.

[mts1973]

The advice he received cost him not me, and I understand how the advice is fed,...and I did offer to meet half way when he left...and he declined. So all the driving around I do for the kids, doctors, school events, driving them to friends picking them up, isn't factored in then, and it isn't in town driving. We have joint custody btw. He can be involved as much as he wants or can be, and he knows this and he knows what do to. As for getting along, then he should stay focused on what is important, the kids, I have invited him to discuss the children ONLY in a civil manner, but in the end it doesn't turn out to be stress free. When it turns to be a conversation about how I am parent alienating him (because I bought the kids a trampoline?) and I am riding on his financial coat tails? So you are telling me I drop everything for him when he is unhappy pretty much. Also while we were married, it wasn't simple either. I don't know where my crap factors in all this..really, because I want the guy to get the proper help. Kids and I had separate counselling, and yes there were talks of him joining in, and he did say once he would join, but never happened.