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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #11  
Old 03-12-2019, 08:45 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
The other option to consider... Is that the other parent in this matter isn't this calculating in their conduct. That they are simply socially stupid? That they are just clueless about their conduct?


This could be true too.

I don’t agree with the forcing the issue advice. This is a man with control issues and has threatened iona’s life. There is no telling what his reaction would be. Until she gets supervised access, she has to play nice. Enforcing a boundary could set him off at some point.
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  #12  
Old 03-12-2019, 10:43 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
The other option to consider... Is that the other parent in this matter isn't this calculating in their conduct. That they are simply socially stupid? That they are just clueless about their conduct?
I don't think he's 'calculating' about it per se, i.e. he's not plotting to get in my personal space- that behaviour is inherent in him, to impose himself phyically to get what he wants...he's also not socially stupid.

He's middle management at a global banking organization. He's a CPA and has an active social life. He's only clueless about his controlling/abusive conduct because he has never had anyone in his life call him on his bullshit behaviour.

He comes from an ethnic background where boys are a revered. The people in his life enable him. And continue to do so. It's gross really.
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  #13  
Old 03-12-2019, 10:50 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Compromise is necessary in healthy relationships, but actually re-enforces an abusive dynamic in unhealthy ones.

Go back to the original agreement, his sister facilitates pick-up. Tell him your accommodation “is no longer possible” - don’t give a reason he can argue about, just repeat “it is no longer possible” (a la Miss Manners’ famous catch-all response) and you’ll be following the agreement and *then do so*. (I’m not sure what is the broken ankle story but if that is preventing his parenting time then that is his problem to solve, not yours).

Good luck, took me years to figure out that compromising made things much, much worse.
I will consider this. It won't be for much longer. I broke my ankle and they did all the driving on the weekend visits for 6 weeks. So now I'm doing the same. Usually it's his sister that picks up our daughter from my parents house. He stays in the car. I will continue to insist on that.

When he's gotten in my space before when I went to the condo lobby to pick my daughter up- I told him he couldn't come down with her anymore and we should stick to the consent order.

But the balance I'm trying to strike is to 1. Not be bothered by his bullshit v. 2. Setting boundaries to control his bullshit towards me.

I will definitely take your advice re compromise to heart. I definitely held out a unicorn for a long time that we could strike some type of compromise and he'd be reasonable. That unicorn is glittery glue now.

Quote:
Originally Posted by rockscan View Post
T Until she gets supervised access, she has to play nice. Enforcing a boundary could set him off at some point.
Access is supervised now actually. And has been from the beginning.

His sister is the supervisor.

The real fun starts when the supervision is removed.

Last edited by iona6656; 03-12-2019 at 10:54 AM.
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  #14  
Old 03-12-2019, 11:07 AM
momof2teenboys momof2teenboys is offline
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What is the role of the "supervisor" regarding his access? What has she said regarding his behaviour during your drop-offs?
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  #15  
Old 03-12-2019, 11:15 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by momof2teenboys View Post
What is the role of the "supervisor" regarding his access? What has she said regarding his behaviour during your drop-offs?
She's there during his parenting time with our daughter- he made some threats against our daughter when we separated. Our situation is messy and she's there to make sure none of that mess spills over to our daughter. Truthfully- I don't know what she actually does- but I'm guessing it's most of the parenting- she also has 3 young kids.

She has said nothing about his behaviour. She's an enabler. Plus she wouldn't tell me even if she did think it was wrong.
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  #16  
Old 03-12-2019, 11:35 AM
momof2teenboys momof2teenboys is offline
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Maybe others can chime in regarding this - supervised access is something I know little about. So take my opinion with a grain of salt...


I think you need to communicate with her that you've asked him to keep away from you and he's agreed in writing but continues to ignore and do as he pleases. Email your request directly with her and see how she responds and if she follows through at the next exchange.



If he continues to have supervised access with the next order then you either know you have a supervisor in place that you can count on to limit potential for things to escalate or one that needs to be replaced.
She may not be a suitable supervisor if she can't make sure he remains in a neutral space while she does the pickup/dropoff with you.


You need to limit your communications with him - having a third party that has agreed to be neutral is a great benefit when you're dealing with high conflict.
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  #17  
Old 03-19-2019, 08:56 PM
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Tayken Tayken is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
He comes from an ethnic background where boys are a revered. The people in his life enable him. And continue to do so. It's gross really.
That is being socially ignorant (or stupid). No different than the socially stupid people who are racist, anti-vaxers, flat earthers, homophobic, islamophobic, racist, bigoted, and sexist. A lot of people who are these things are highly educated. What makes them stupid is that they should know better but choose to be stupid. Stupidity is a choice.

To live in Canada and subscribe to the belief that men are superior is a demonstration of stupidity/ignorance/ etc...

As I have said before. Stupidity is not rooted in IQ. It is rooted in stupid behaviours. Lots of smart people do stupid things and believe/do stupid stuff.

Having vertical education in finance doesn't make you socially smart. Also, friends are a poor judge of character as they don't see the person every day. Friends see each other in controlled and temporary situations. Move in with a "friend". The best friendships are destroyed by becoming roommates. You get to see the full stupidity of people when you live with them.

So the next time a "friend" of his griefs you. You tell them to move in with him and see how they last. It is hard to hide stupidity 24x7.
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  #18  
Old 05-23-2019, 10:02 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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It just never fucking stops.

Yesterday- this idiot was standing behind us- making goofy faces at our daughter when I went to pick her up. Of course she loves it. Usually he waits just inside the door waving. Sure. Okay- whatever, it's his kid and he likes making her laugh. Great. Sure.

But this fucking idiot waited till I went around to the drivers side and was tapping on the glass calling out to her.

I sent him a polite message on OFW today saying cut it out.

On the other hand though- we're in the trading offers stage- and I really don't want to ramp up the conflict if I can avoid it.

16 more years.
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  #19  
Old 05-23-2019, 10:20 AM
StillPaying StillPaying is offline
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Sounds like you're looking for fights and making this a lot harder than it needs to be. I would ask your parents to do exchanges if it's too much.
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  #20  
Old 05-23-2019, 10:37 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by StillPaying View Post
Sounds like you're looking for fights and making this a lot harder than it needs to be. I would ask your parents to do exchanges if it's too much.
If I was looking for a fight- I would've said something right there.

You know- from all your responses. I'm guessing that you are no stranger to DV issues. You don't like boundaries, do you?
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