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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #21  
Old 03-08-2019, 10:06 AM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tunnelight View Post
So moms should just alienate children when they turn 16 and dad should surrender and do nothing?

I would be filing contempt proceedings. Mom is to ensure child goes to sees dad as she is to ensure child goes to school.

If my ex ever influences child to not see me, she can be sure to be served with motion papers within days.


Now, what if dad was influencing child and child didn't want to see mom? Mom should do nothing?


So what if said 16 yro gets a job on the weekends. How does this work? I really am curious because my partners kids donít see him on his scheduled day because they work from May- November.


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  #22  
Old 03-08-2019, 10:13 AM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
So what if said 16 yro gets a job on the weekends. How does this work? I really am curious because my partners kids donít see him on his scheduled day because they work from May- November.


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A job shouldn't be used as a means to interfere with dads access as part of a campaign of alienation, neither should extra curricular activities.

A 16 year old is probably very occupied with school work and projects and assignments that probably is not available to work all weekend. Maybe part time for a couple to few hours. Child should still be in care of father if working. A child doesn't automatically get to miss entire weekend with dad and stay with mom because she 'has to' work.

I would prioritize time and a meaningful relationship with dad over part time job.
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  #23  
Old 03-08-2019, 10:20 AM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Well thatís what I told my partner. Mother insists the kid works all weekend every weekend from May-November. Hence no access for dad unless he rearranges it.

I agree if child has part time hours dad or mom can accommodate by picking them up after and continuing on with their access.


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  #24  
Old 03-08-2019, 10:26 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Default Dealing with kids distancing themselves from you

You really need to do some reading and some research. It would be easier to climb everest than win a contempt motion with a teenager. There is no way to prove a child is being withheld when they say they donít want to go. Mom can simply say they tried and punished them and kid still said no.

My partnerís lawyer has ample proof that mom interfered and influenced the kids and he still said its a steep slope. His exact words were ďI can fight it but it will cost upwards of $15,000 and you still may lose.Ē Kids at 16 are given a great deal of weight. A judge may ask them for their feelings and consider them too. All this ends up doing is create even more animosity between dad and kids which then pushes the reconciliation further.

As far as kids working on the weekends...offer to drive them back and forth. Offer to take them out after work. Offer to see them another night.

ETA: even an order for counseling canít be followed. Mom could drop the kid off and walk them in the office, kid doesnít have to go in.
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  #25  
Old 03-08-2019, 10:38 AM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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Ive done plenty reading and research. Hours and hours of cases on canlii and research papers. Books, personal meeting with professionals, workshops, everything.

The part I disagree with you rockscan is that you're giving the ex too much space and freedom.

I would fight it. A judge will easily be able to tell if the child is actually afraid or just repeating shit mom put into her head.

A normal 16 year old should never ever want to not see either parent without valid reasons.

Mom can say whatever she wants. And I have seen cases of judges basically telling the teenager, you're either going with your dad, or I'm putting you in foster care, and if you go near mom, she will be charged criminally.

My critique for my case told me she's accommodated custody reversal of even a 17 year old through the family bridges program. Yes the kids get upset and violent but they have especially trained officers for this type of work. They become friends with the children, get them through it, send child and dad to vacation and implement a no access period with mom.

There is also re integration therapy. re consolation. So much services out there to fix broken relationships. Why sit there and say I can't do it?

Even if you lose, st least you tried and fought for your children. Why sit there and allow your ex to have it easy? This is coming from someone who out his ex through 6 years of court litigation and counting just to save my kids from a naraccist . This would also be the first time I used this word to refer to her - it suits her well.

I've won the custody and access portion after so many people telling me AI didnt have a chance, I was going to lose, the system is biased, and every other typical comment. I really didn't care if I had to take a bullet to the chest. I was prepared to do whatever it would take.

Remember Einstein's speech? He never failed a thousand times, he discovered a thousand ways that didn't work, until finding a way that worked.

What man can imagine, man will do. Another famous quote.

Last edited by tunnelight; 03-08-2019 at 10:45 AM.
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  #26  
Old 03-08-2019, 10:57 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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I'm at a terrible loss and very frustrated by everything. I've tried for over a year to come to amicable terms for ALL of us to move forward, but the ex is determined to make my daughters the "soldiers" in her war. She knows I love my daughters and will do anything for them... thus use them as leverage. My daughters won't come out and tell me what she's saying or how she's saying it. All I get is "you will just get mad at Mom again if I tell you why I'm mad at you". If this isn't manipulative, then I don't know. Secretly, my daughters are pulling themselves further and further away from me (not by my doing, as I don't involve them and make every encounter a positive one). Without any proof, it has been hinted that my ex and my daughter will be moving 3 hours away after the sale of the home (unfortunately, I'm forcing this after over 2 years since separation). I've confronted my youngest about where they are moving to, but she stated she has no idea. This was shortly after she told me that she's not seeking any relationship as she doesn't want any long distance relationship. At this point, unfortunately, I will need to wait until she moves away from the area before I can file emergency pleadings. The only communication we have is through lawyers (this was her choice, not mine). I just need to stay strong, stay the course and hope that the relationship can be rebuilt after their mother looses her grip on them. It's just so sad
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  #27  
Old 03-08-2019, 11:05 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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This is a case for an emergency motion to stop her from moving. Mom can move, she canít take the kids.

Unfortunately its difficult to change a kids mind and as long as they live with mom they struggle with thinking independently. I can say this as a former alienated kid myself. Kids are torn between how they feel and how they live. When you are subjected to torment for wanting to speak to your dad, you give up. I feel for you, I really do.
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  #28  
Old 03-08-2019, 11:22 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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rockscan... Do you have a relationship with the alienated parent now? If so, how long did it take to come back? How did it come back? When did you notice it? I'm sorry. I don't mean to pry, but I would love to know more so I can be more diligent about being there for my girls. I'd really appreciate your input.
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  #29  
Old 03-08-2019, 11:41 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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My situation is a little more complicated in that my mother had a mental illness and my father was a disaster.

Dad left us throughout my childhood and the final time I was 13. He stopped paying child support a year later. We had no money coming in and had to go on welfare. You can imagine the difficulties and the stigma attached to that.

Mom was intent on punishing him brutally and as much as possible. To the point where I even was forced to bring a birthday gift to his gf at her workplace. In the car I told her no and she said if I didnt do it I could find a new place to live. At 14, that was pretty devastating.

My anger towards my father was a great of why were you so selfish. I did understand in my early 20s that my mom was sick and that relationships are difficult but I was still very upset that he just left us with that. If he had been a more involved father I would have gone back to him quicker.

Two of my siblings began speaking to him again in their early 20s. My mom still made them feel bad but much of her power was gone by then. I ended up speaking to him in my 30s. Our relationship is still a challenge but thats more because he is still selfish and self centred and he screwed me over financially a few years ago. As my sibling said ďyou can have a relationship with him as long as you donít have any expectationsĒ.

Neither one of them grew out of their bs towards each other. My mother died a few years ago and my dad still takes shots at her.

Im sad that my parents were assholes and my relationship with my mother fell apart 20 years ago because of her actions. Ive heard of others who ended up angry with their alienating parent. It depends on the kid and the relationship.

For my partner, when his oldest went away to school things got a little better. They had a bit more communication and he dealt with her when mom interfered. But then kid got mad that she had such a high financial burden for school and believed her mothers lies about how it was his fault. We are hoping that when she marries and moves out she will see things differently. His second kid is firmly indoctrinated and it will take a lot to change her mind. He knows hes lost them and has been trying to live his life. He gets very sad sometimes but knows that he has to accept that he canít change this and hope it will change in the future.

Thats why I say to you, be there for them. Donít involve them. Continue to reach out and attempt to communicate. Send them cards, letters gifts etc. Remind your youngest that you can have a relationship via skype and text and go and see her. Your ex will continue to try to undermine you but eventually the kids will tire of her bs and find a life for themselves. When they do, they will see you for who you are. Donít be a bitter jerk like my father
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  #30  
Old 03-08-2019, 11:55 AM
Tired_Dad Tired_Dad is offline
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I'm so sorry you've gone through what you did. That's very sad. It sounds like it made you very strong and independent, if I was to look at the positive side. I'm sorry your partner is going through what he is as well. It truly rips a father apart, when they do nothing to hurt the relationship between himself and his children, to only have the mother force bad feelings down their throat (the best analogy I can think of at this point). I will always be there for my girls and I will never stop paying for them (even enforced FRO on myself, to prove that I will not avoid it... no matter how mad I get). I just don't want to be a "wallet" for them and only see them when they need something. It's been 90% wallet since we separated. Thank you for sharing your story and I will definitely take your advice. I'll always be here for them (as long as I'm on this planet). Please take care and all the best to your partner as well.
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