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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 11-14-2011, 11:18 PM
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MiViLaLoco MiViLaLoco is offline
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There is no agreement that is 100% enforceable should she change her mind one year from now. NONE!!! Period.

If you want 50%...do it now...or forever hold your peace!

If you want to transition from 35% to 50%...do it in the next 12 weeks period. Needing a year is ridiculous and would probably be harder on the children in the long run anyway.

Start this week...or next week...but do not leave it till the SA done...start now...

1st 4 weeks: 2 nights a week (in a row) and every other weekend

2nd 4 weeks: 3 nights a week (in a row) and every other weekend

3rd 4 weeks: full week rotation starting either on a Monday or Friday

SA for full 50/50 access signed after the 12 weeks of the transitioning...done. It will probably take more than 12 weeks to hammer out all the details of the SA anyway.

My 3 1/2 year old adjusted to a full week rotation within 2 - 3 months...with absolutely no problems at all!!!!!!!
  #12  
Old 11-14-2011, 11:21 PM
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Well put Rioe!
  #13  
Old 11-15-2011, 08:56 AM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Kids adjust much faster and better then any of us give them credit for. She is just playing the momma-bear without reason.

Go for 50-50, it is what you and she want. She just wants it under her terms that do not have much logic behind them.
  #14  
Old 11-15-2011, 10:08 AM
JustADad25 JustADad25 is offline
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I am new here and I do not know the rules. I know we all try to help one guy. But this discussion will be useful for many. Could some of your senior guys comment on how is the situation different if the separation happened before birth. So the dad had no time with the kid because he was prevented from being there. How do you get to 50/50 from there? Mom wants $$$ and dad out of her life.
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Old 11-15-2011, 11:04 AM
confused1999 confused1999 is offline
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Just a few replies....

-thanks all for your input. Especially RIOE, I quite like the idea of going with 50 50 in the SA BUT verbally agreeing to letting the kids stay with her perhaps after school on one or two of "my" days during the week before dinner. That would protect my right of 50% access against status quo BUT would give the kids more "face time" with her before dinner. Thank you for the right of first refusal idea. I did put it in SA but quite frankly got the idea from this forum (lawyers never even mentioned it , grrr.......).

-again, in MY opinion there's no reason not to go 50 50 from the start, but as mentioned earlier she disagrees so it is what it is and I"m trying to work with her on it.

-for Justa Dad, for you to get more info, how old is the child now ? If still a baby, my hunch is it may be very difficult to get 50 50 , at least at this point but you should certainly have SOME type of access for now and hopefully increasing as child gets older
  #16  
Old 11-15-2011, 11:20 AM
winterwolf7 winterwolf7 is offline
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Try mediation for the issue. Communication is key, and that's a good forum for it. Hopefully in mediation she will gain some understanding about your position on the issue, and you will have options to try and alleviate her fears.

If all else fails, make sure to falsely report her to CAS so she loses the kids and you get them by default. It won't really matter if the allegations are true or not, her life will be over. By the time the investigation finishes you will have 6 month status quo and she'll have to fight for years just to see her kids at all.

No, I'm not serious (AT ALL) just giving an example of tactics I am seeing used to trump custody situations.

Down with CAS!
  #17  
Old 11-15-2011, 11:30 AM
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Agreed with Rioe, brilliant. Protect yourself on paper but live your lives in the real world and be flexible.
  #18  
Old 11-15-2011, 11:36 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by confused1999 View Post
Hi Tayken:

Thanks so much for your input.

To clarify, I haven't yet signed the SA yet. I liked the fact that you seemed to feel confident that if both parents are "good" parents the courts won't discriminate against males automatically and should award 50/50.

I'm not trying to look a gift horse in the mouth but it looks like in the past many men were screwed over in not getting 50 50 merely because of their sex which I suspect you'll concur with. In your opinion are MOST courts now of the opinion 50 50 is a default barring a poor parent or are some judges still "old school" and don't believe men should have equal access to their kids; merely that they should "bankroll" them only ?

It seems to me that the prejudice of the individual judge is what dictates the results.

Thanks !
I agree with Rioe as well.

Last edited by Teddie; 11-15-2011 at 11:48 AM.
  #19  
Old 11-15-2011, 11:40 AM
JustADad25 JustADad25 is offline
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Mediation is voluntary. Mom who wants dad out will avoid or delay any discussion in order to build status quo to minimize access. So how do we get it to 50/50 from zero?

I hear that WinterWolf might not like CAS. I do not feel that false allegations are a good advice even as a joke. BTW from what I heard on this forum falsely reporting a parent does not tend to benefit dads at all. Despite the success this technique often has for mothers.

So lets be constructive here. All workable ideas welcome.
  #20  
Old 11-15-2011, 01:59 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Rioe View Post
Write 50-50 into the agreement you sign now, and have a verbal agreement to get to that point slowly.

Unless you are high conflict, you don't have to stick to the agreement you sign, exactly. You can just put it in the safe deposit box and do your own thing, only bringing it out in the case of disagreement.

If you want 50-50, I would not sign anything that says otherwise.

Has anyone mentioned right of first refusal to you? Look it up for the full details, but basically it means that if one of you can't look after the kids personally on your own time, you will go first to the other parent before seeking third party care.

So maybe you can have the kids one week, your ex has them the next, for 50-50 time as the official access, but even on your weeks, they go to her home after school and you pick them up when you get off work. So technically she has more time with them, where they are probably used to being after school, so they have the transition stability she is seeking, but any time you take the day off, it's still your time to be with them. And at their ages, soon enough they will be able to go from school to your house and hang out by themselves until you get home from work. And you don't have to fight your ex for this, as it's the base agreement.

As for why she would be arguing against 50-50 after consulting with her lawyer, that's your answer right there. The lawyer has convinced her of it, most likely because the more you argue over stuff, the longer you have to pay the lawyers.

This is also an easy way to see if it's really about the money. You may think it's not, but honestly, who doesn't want more money? It may be motivating her unconsciously. So if 50-50 is the written access, you'll be using offset payments right from the start, even if you verbally agree to her having more time with them. If she keeps arguing, money probably is a factor.

But I think a right of first refusal may solve a lot of your problems.
Agree 100%!
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