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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #21  
Old 01-14-2019, 06:15 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Why don't you put the counselling on hold for a few weeks until the OCL recommendation, so you have a better picture of where this is all going and so does the therapist?

I think you and I have this in common, we both "think" there is some fairy tale ending and we will be co-parenting with our ex's in blitz, but the reality is, and its taken me 2 years to get there, it isnt going to happen.

We need to focus on how to parent, without a co-parent. And do our best to leave the child(ren) as unscathed as possible.
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  #22  
Old 01-14-2019, 09:58 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Why don't you put the counselling on hold for a few weeks until the OCL recommendation, so you have a better picture of where this is all going and so does the therapist?



I think you and I have this in common, we both "think" there is some fairy tale ending and we will be co-parenting with our ex's in blitz, but the reality is, and its taken me 2 years to get there, it isnt going to happen.



We need to focus on how to parent, without a co-parent. And do our best to leave the child(ren) as unscathed as possible.


Thatís exactly what Iím going to do. Put it on hold.

As to co-parenting....I donít know what the future holds...on one hand I know he wants to see our daughter more. Because of course he does...on the other hand I still have to do the parenting. Make the appointments- do the research on treatments for her- and keep him informed of course. My sister says to just let it go and try to co-parent and chances are when he actually has to parent heíll lose interest. Sheís a child psychologist and says statistically this is what will likely happen, especially if he meets someone. My gut says sheís right.


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  #23  
Old 01-16-2019, 07:03 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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If he's ripping into you in person, can you not record the incidents, bring them up in counseling and explain that you ste concerned that these behaviours are undermining the positive steps being taken at counseling...?
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  #24  
Old 01-16-2019, 10:24 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Originally Posted by blinkandimgone View Post
If he's ripping into you in person, can you not record the incidents, bring them up in counseling and explain that you ste concerned that these behaviours are undermining the positive steps being taken at counseling...?


I have. And actually some of his more vehement - and frankly stupid - rants are during the session. In our last session, when we were discussing our D2ís eating, he basically yelled at me, ďI want to know why she freaked out when she saw the chicken you sent with her.??!Ē

Our therapist actually said he should use a less accusatory tone.

I told him itís because I beat her with chicken.

I know I shouldnít have even joked about it- but it was just so insane.


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Last edited by iona6656; 01-16-2019 at 10:26 PM.
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  #25  
Old 07-16-2019, 03:06 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Vishnu help me.

I've been sent out of our session so our coparent counselor can speak to my ex privately about his behaviour in the session.

Because he keeps asking me to put my phone away so I won't record the session. The therapist asked have I been doing that. I have not. I always keep my phone on because of D2- allergies.

I shit you not. At least once a session she sends me out so she can "speak" to my ex, so she can tell him to calm the fuck down.

This guy just cannot help himself. If he doesn't get his way he just reverts back to his petulant controlling narcissistic self.

So Iím paying $$$ to sit outside of the room. If it wasnít costing me so much fucking money- it would be funny.


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  #26  
Old 07-16-2019, 03:57 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Well it is a good thing she has to speak to him privately. Not that it helps.

He sounds like a big baby.
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  #27  
Old 07-16-2019, 03:58 PM
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Would you consider asking the co-ordinator to moving to a set-off schedule where you meet her alone for half an hour, she meets with both of you for half an hour and then she meets alone with him for half an hour? Maybe that would be a more productive use of an hour of your time. I understand why she is asking you to leave - as the conversations she is having with him are probably shaming him, but then she is in effect making you co-pay for his individual therapy instead of focusing on joint problem solving.
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  #28  
Old 07-16-2019, 08:35 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Originally Posted by tilt View Post
Would you consider asking the co-ordinator to moving to a set-off schedule where you meet her alone for half an hour, she meets with both of you for half an hour and then she meets alone with him for half an hour? Maybe that would be a more productive use of an hour of your time. I understand why she is asking you to leave - as the conversations she is having with him are probably shaming him, but then she is in effect making you co-pay for his individual therapy instead of focusing on joint problem solving.


This was a two hour session as weíre trying to come to a parenting plan with her help. If I was really trying to work on our relationship and I had to pay attention to his nonsense- and try to work with him...then maybe. As is- like rocksan said, heís a baby. A dangerous one for sure. But it doesnít phase me as it once did. His blustering and attempt at intimidation doesnít work so well now. He kept asking me to put away my phone because we were talking about his cannabis use. I said no. But I came back after about 10 minutes and he apologized. I put it in our agreement that neither of us can use cannabis with D2 and 12 hours before taking care of her. Which basically means never for me...but Iím fine with that. I donít use it anyways.

He kept pressing me as to why I need sole custody and why canít it be joint + final say. I told him, and our coparent therapist agreed, that the dynamic between us is not great and joint would be difficult. I said if he wants conditions on certain things- e.g. no school over 1k a year without his consent- put it in his offer. Iíll give on some stuff. But Iím not going to 50/50 by attrition.


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  #29  
Old 07-17-2019, 02:02 AM
tilt tilt is offline
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I dunno, since this is closed counselling your ex can lie to the judge about what is going on in the session and say you being willing to participate in the sessions is proof you are able to co-parent. Since joint therapy is counter-indicated for abusive dynamics, you meeting with him for two hours undermines your statement he is abusive. Basically this whole course of action is undermining your sole custody argument and can be spun before an unknowing judge. The meetings donít sound productive, I would cancel them in writing with the explanation that as they abusive behaviour continues in the sessions you will only resume them when he are reassured by his behaviour that he has insight into his own behaviour. Continue with your own therapy and hopefully he will continue with his therapy.
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  #30  
Old 07-17-2019, 09:06 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tilt View Post
I dunno, since this is closed counselling your ex can lie to the judge about what is going on in the session and say you being willing to participate in the sessions is proof you are able to co-parent. Since joint therapy is counter-indicated for abusive dynamics, you meeting with him for two hours undermines your statement he is abusive. Basically this whole course of action is undermining your sole custody argument and can be spun before an unknowing judge. The meetings donít sound productive, I would cancel them in writing with the explanation that as they abusive behaviour continues in the sessions you will only resume them when he are reassured by his behaviour that he has insight into his own behaviour. Continue with your own therapy and hopefully he will continue with his therapy.
nothing is ever really closed. They're my health records to disclose. I could subpoena them if I needed to. I usually disclose what is happening in the sessions to my lawyer as well- if there is something troubling revealed. For example- my ex's answers a couple of weeks ago about the McDonald's incident (the lying etc)- and all the times I have to get sent out so our therapist can talk to him.

Despite his idiocy- the sessions have actually been productive. We've gotten to a general outline of parenting time- and what needs to happen to get there- a phased approach. There is going to be some debate on the timeline of the phasing....but the general outline of time is there.
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