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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

View Poll Results: What was the main reason for your relationship breakdown?
Financial issues 61 22.85%
Inactive parent 34 12.73%
Different parenting styles 37 13.86%
Clashing personalities 79 29.59%
Addiction (gambling, alcohol, drugs) 54 20.22%
Spousal and/or child abuse 53 19.85%
Other 111 41.57%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 267. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 05-28-2009, 10:17 AM
Devoted1 Devoted1 is offline
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Without posting the detailsof every situation here.No abuse of any kind mental or physical.No money issues.No parenting issues or even personality clashes or fighting.Simply put a lack of proper communication about feelings from both of us due to our rough pasts and bad experiences with others.Very unfortunate and sad since even to this day we have never had any major problems with each other or hate.9 years btw and yes I still love her deeply and always will.In my opinion one of the few marriages that shouldn't of ended!
Old 05-29-2009, 11:57 PM
cajun50 cajun50 is offline
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Default marital breakdown

The biggest problem we had was a long standing failure to find a way to disagree comfortably and effectively. My wife liked to control most things and would walk away from any disagreement claiming she did not want to fight. I gave in to her for a long time "to keep peace". She also liked to spend money.

When I was counselled for my depression and chose to become more assertive, my wife decided she could not be married to me anymore. When I repeatedly asked for a reason, she told me (after months of thinking about it) there was no answer.

We attended marital counselling for more than 2/3 of the 29 years of our marriage. My wife preferred the final counsellor (a woman) who convinced her that I was abusive and potentially homicidal and suicidal. Interestingly no other counsellor had come to the same conclusion about me and when I approached them with this shocking news, they told me it was common tactic for feminist counsellors and lawyers. I shared this concern of my wife with her siblings and her parents and my siblings and no one did anything. Our children told me they loved me and were not afraid of me.

It is sad no many marriage counsellors are so unhelpful and some are particularly dangerous and seem to have their own issues. I reported this counsellor to the Canadian Counselling Association who expressed significant concerns about her techniques. The CCA then backed away from discipline when the counsellor appeared with a lawyer and repeatedly appealed all attempts to criticize her.

I stayed in the marriage for many years for religious reasons. Now I am cynical about that logic and feel bitter about the lost years. I also regret the large spousal support i am obliged to pay because " we were married so many years "
Old 06-12-2009, 10:27 PM
greatmom greatmom is offline
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Addiction to gambling. My husband is addicted to gambling as he is not always presence for the kids like educate them or be there for them when they needed him the most. And also, disrespect, lie, and anger. Not a very presence partner as the addiction take all his time.
Old 06-15-2009, 10:35 PM
jaded? jaded? is offline
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I had the pleasure of being married to an addict. It didn't start out that way. I thought we were a normal couple, we didn't fight anymore than a regular couple but something along the way changed for him and he decided to be completely selfish and began doing drugs. Along with that came drinking as well. I've often wondered about the drug thing. As a person who has never taken any sort of drug it baffles me why would someone all of a sudden snort something up their nose, why would you start sticking a needle in your arm?.. Kind of like sword swallowers , how do you figure out you have that ability - why would you want to? I just don't get it...

We've been separated 3 years now and I have begun the divorce. I went to a lawyer because I just couldn't be bothered trying to track him down to serve him.
We almost lost everything and it took me a while to dig myself out financially. He walked away - an addict but walked away none the less.
I am still trying to recover emotionally... that's the hard part... I thought I had dealt with all the anger but it takes a while.
Old 07-30-2009, 01:59 AM
startingover68 startingover68 is offline
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I have come to believe that love is an ability - Love is a verb. A relationship or marriage will be defined by our actions. You need the appropriate words to suit the actions, but as the saying goes, "He whose wisdom exceeds his deeds, his wisdom will not endure." Real love is only demonstrated and developed through practical actions. Relationships are built on deeds not words.
But being an adult means that you don't act on every feeling. Commitment means digging in your heels even when the going seems tough. Maturity means coping with reality, not descending into fantasy. And not just coping, but looking for ways to rise above the negativity. The majority of us have short fuses. The majority of us are self-centered. The majority of us want the easy way out.
There is no home without trust. There is no home without commitment. Beauty is nice. Pleasure is a good thing [a very good thing J]. Conflict resolution techniques are helpful. But they're not the foundation of a home.
Most people believe that a good marriage is a "happening”, if you marry the “right” person. If you marry the right person, you will have a great relationship. Just as I believe that love is an ability, relationships and ultimately Marriage is a skill. It needs to be worked on daily. Small gestures and cosmic connections all add up to the sum total of a relationship or marriage. How you make your partner feel today is what great marriages are made up of – not just your words, but your actions.
Although I possessed the commitment and loyalty to the relationship, [Commitment means there's no choice. I'm in for the duration. I will finish what I've started], I never really felt appreciated, cared for or “loved”. It got to the point where he placed more value on his wants and needs – his job, his gadgets, his running – and the family was left last. The reciprocation and attention to our needs [responsibilities] were not considered. For a while I was happy for him to be passionate about his outside interests. I wanted him to have independent success and external accolades. His success was my pleasure. But the moment I started to feel that we were not as important to him as those outside interests, I felt I needed to re-establish the relationship bond that had appeared to deteriorate.
In my experience, the partner promoting the other can begin to feel taken for granted and used and worst of all unimportant – last. You start to wonder are you going to have yet another difficult and "heavy" talk about how your relationship is not where you want it to be. The LAST thing you want to do is "ASK" for more love and affection or romance. Besides, asking for more affection or romance makes a man think he's doing something wrong, or that you're criticizing him. Women want their partners to be more affectionate because he really FEELS good about you, not because you lodged a complaint and now he's "stepping up." In my experience, past efforts to get a man to see the problem have led him to getting even MORE distant, or irritated with me. I think that both men and women want the same thing – a partner that makes them feel great both when they are together...AND when they are alone.
So what happened? He used his financial power over me as a control, feeding his disrespect for me (and women in general) as a caretaker for his children to also create psychological and emotional damage to my self dare I ask him/tell him anything...
Despite the fact that we had a 50’s kind of relationship (I was at home with our 3 children while he worked and travelled extensively on business) and he was an excellent provider (consistently making between $100 – 200K/yr for the past 10 – 12 years), there was never enough money. My 15 year relationship came to an end unexpectedly the night after I had co-signed to refinance our home (he was the only one on title & mortgage) to pay HIS 50K in credit card debt when he announced that it was over. Throughout our 15 years together I had not purchased any new furniture (I hate to pay full price for anything and believe in recycling), never had a new vehicle (kept a 1982 Cougar on the road for 7.5 yrs and then learned the ‘new’ van was branded & not for re-sale after driving our children in it for nearly 4 yrs), shopped at Zeller’s, Giant Tiger, No Frills & Value Village (second hand charity shop) and went to the hairdressing school to have my hair done. I was the saver & he was the spender, and yet everything was my fault...go figure?
Old 07-31-2009, 07:25 PM
crushed1 crushed1 is offline
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I wish I knew. Like every marriage we had our ups and downs, our disagreements our fights, we'd get mad at each other but we would never be hurtful. Never say really cutting things to one another, I thought we cared about each other too much. We were best friends and new we could count on each other even when everything else was falling apart. We decided that I should go back to school so that at least one steady income for us to rely on. Of course money was tight and I put a lot of pressure on myself to do well, and I think I sometimes applied these expectations to her as well. I can be a jerk and I know there's a lot of things that I could and should have been better at but I never intentionally hurt her, I loved her far too much for that. We'd been having more frequent arguments and then I had to take a work assignment out of the country for a few months. We spoke on the phone regularly but I would often find it quite aggravating as she was constantly partying and spending a lot of money...that we didn't have. She was going to come and meet me where I was working and we were supposed to spend a couple of weeks on kind of a second honey moon, to reconnect and try to work out some of the problems we were having. Now, I question whether or not it was true but she became to ill to travel and our honeymoon didn't materialize. Instead, shortly after we saw each other again she told me she didn't want to be married anymore. I was 100% shocked. Never in a million years would I have expected it. She told me she'd been unhappy for a year. I thought we were close enough, loved each other enough and trusted each other enough to sort out our issues before they ever reached that point. I had literally never heard about it from her before. Not only did she want to separate, but she refused to go to counseling to see if our marriage could be salvaged. A day or two later she called me and told me she wanted to go to counseling and she'd want to move out of the house for a few months to find herself again. I was and am willing to do absolutely anything and make any changes that we would need to in order for our marriage to be saved. Two days after that I found out she'd been having an affair. I was crushed. She seemed to be acting in a way that I didn't recognize. The person I thought I knew would never do that to me. Ironically it was a work mate who when I first met him I said he was a slimy bastard and being a salesman he'd try to sell himself to her. She laughed, she always laughed and said that would never happen anytime it was discussed, even though they started sharing rides to work. She was a far better liar than I had ever realized. I was furious when I found out about the affair and was drunk for a few days straight. After some thought, I called her and told her that if I had hurt her as much as she said I did (I am still in disbelief that this happened to the extent she said it did as is anyone else who knows us) that I would be willing to try to forgive her. I told her I couldn't promise her anything but if we went to a counselor I would try as hard as I could to forgive her. She was so happy, we almost became giddy that things could still be saved. An hour after that she called me and said that she didn't want to be married anymore and that she wasn't coming home. She was going to stay at her fathers for awhile and then try and make the relationship with the other guy work (he's also married with a daughter and a serial cheater). I just feel like she's throwing away 9 years and a marriage that needs some work but could be fixed. That's where I'm at now, not sure if I should fight more or give up. Wondering if I was that person she said I was. Second guessing and regretting every time I raised my voice (never yell) or disagreed with her in the past. Basically I'm just blaming myself for everything and feeling like my life's over. I feel like I don't know her and that this guy has brainwashed her against me. I still want her to come back so bad, but I don't know if I could forgive her or if our marriage could be fixed, but I want to know. I don't want to always have to wonder. So now I wonder when does fighting for your marriage become begging? When does it become pathetic? I just don't know. I am so lost.
Old 10-18-2009, 04:19 PM
strotter1006 strotter1006 is offline
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Default Looking for support

My common law partner and I lived together for one year and been together for 5. Our relationship ended after he sexual abused my other two children. Now he is in control with everything, money items i bought before we moved in together etc. The one thing I am thankful for is that I have the children. I have 3 one with him another due in Feb and 2 others.
Old 11-18-2009, 02:50 AM
DHydomako DHydomako is offline
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Question Just dont know for sure

Well been togther for 14 years first couple were great then she cheated on me caught them as it turned out her family and friends new what was going on actualy they housed him for his visit then we found out she was prego well we had beutifull twin girls and yes there mine anyhow as time went by i forgave her so i beleave, but her family just ignored them mostly, I didnt get much respect from them and me to them either,I always felt they didnt want us together to this day now there have a great time cause im not there basicaly do what they want in our house when im not around.
I went to work at camp for a few months last winter after I got back paid down the bills then said I dont want you here anymore see yaaa bye.Now im thinking her family got too her cause hasnt gave me any good ideas yet on why im out on my behind,Its funny my girls say she is more miserable when im gone hummmm interesting thought
Old 11-18-2009, 03:26 PM
resolutions resolutions is offline
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Old 11-18-2009, 11:15 PM
cardinal cardinal is offline
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I completely understand that. My husband and I have very different libidos and were very incompatible.
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