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Divorce Support This forum is for discussing the emotional aspects of divorce: stress, anger, betrayal of trust and more.

View Poll Results: What was the main reason for your relationship breakdown?
Financial issues 61 22.85%
Inactive parent 34 12.73%
Different parenting styles 37 13.86%
Clashing personalities 79 29.59%
Addiction (gambling, alcohol, drugs) 54 20.22%
Spousal and/or child abuse 53 19.85%
Other 111 41.57%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 267. You may not vote on this poll

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  #101  
Old 10-25-2010, 12:03 AM
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Originally Posted by ruby View Post
I cheated too after 21 years of marriage and thre.e teenagers.o found myself enjoying t&e company of a man 15 years younger. O felt alone in my marriage.o felt like a single parent.he was a good man and a fine dad , but a lousy partner.his. unwillingness yo help out turned me off.so sex which was poor to begin with ,I with held from him. He found photos on my camera..my one mistake. Was that I should have been upfront rather then have him find out this way. Two of my kids don't talk to me .I still live on the house, and have my first court date in Dec.I left the marriage a long time ago.I mourn what has happened with. my kids age 16 and 18 but I don't mourn my marriage.I hope he reflects. On the lousy partner he was,instead of blamming me for all of it.
See, there's more that I don't think I can ever understand. How can this be better than having just separated from him years ago, when you 'left the marriage?' Even if you didn't recognize it then, why not initiate it when you found yourself falling for the other man? Why get to the point where you've destroyed everything, lost any kind of salvageable friendship with the man you made vows to, lost the respect of your children and likely other family members? I know this sort of thing is pretty common, sadly enough, but I just don't get it. So, speaking from the perspective of the "lousy partner" I can tell you that your ex will not ever reflect the way you wish. That's like blaming him for your own cheating! The correct thing to do with a lousy partner is seek counselling, communicate better, manage time better, separate, anything but the cruelty and utter disrespect of cheating.

I'm not necessarily singling you out, as I doubt you have the answers either despite having experienced it. Hindsight and all. I just don't understand infidelity, I guess, and may never, no matter how many stories I read from both sides of it.
  #102  
Old 10-25-2010, 08:11 PM
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I think Ruby is very brave for putting her story out there, knowing the kinds of criticism she could and probably will get for it. It may not have been the ideal choice but people make mistakes, move on and try to make better choices.

Chances are, the relationship was probably already over and unsalvagable, either way it was between the two of them and should have stayed that way. That he chose to involve friends, family and the children WAS the one absolute wrong that occurred here and he IS to blame for that. Nobody has the right to do that to their children.
  #103  
Old 10-25-2010, 09:12 PM
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I think some people are affraid to let go of their marriage and end up alone. That's why they hold onto their spouse until they feel they have found a new one to replace. Or that they feel like they are doing their spouse a favor by staying in the marriage and continue having affairs etc.
Maybe they are unsure and want to test the waters on the other side. I don't agree with it but face it alot of people do it. Why don't people face that their marriage is over, get out and then move on? I don't like cheaters. I think they are just cowards!

Last edited by tugofwar; 10-25-2010 at 09:27 PM.
  #104  
Old 10-25-2010, 09:15 PM
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I think sometimes when the relationship is so dead, it doesn't even seem like cheating. I agree sometimes people hang on to the familiarity and are afraid to leave the marriage for a variety of different reasons though. Sometimes you just find yourself in a situation you never imagined. It happens.
  #105  
Old 10-25-2010, 09:22 PM
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I think the government did everyone a big disservice when they came out with "no fault divorce". Bring fault back into divorce, and punish the people responsible for the breakdown of the marriage contract.
  #106  
Old 10-25-2010, 09:43 PM
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Originally Posted by rwm1273 View Post
I think the government did everyone a big disservice when they came out with "no fault divorce". Bring fault back into divorce, and punish the people responsible for the breakdown of the marriage contract.
On the surface, I'd love to agree with you, as that's my feeling in my own situation. Why should I be held to a contract to support my ex when he's the one who broke it in the first place?

However, in practice, it would probably just lead to people being mean to one another until it's completely muddied where the 'blame' lies for a marriage breakdown, or people would stay with someone they had grown to despise much longer than is emotionally healthy. And then lawyers would get a whole bunch more of our money than they do already, and children would suffer even more.

I figure a better way would be for marriage contracts to be finite. Five years, and then renewable. Even a healthy continuing marriage could use a little re-evaluation now and then.
  #107  
Old 10-25-2010, 10:26 PM
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I do see problems with holding some people accountable for a bad marriage, but in cases where it is clear like yours and mine, why can't those responsible for the destruction of the marriage be held accountable? If they were held accountable, then it would have saved needless court battles, and perhaps some would think about the consequenses of their actions before they make them.

I am angry that my ex caused the destruction of the marriage with infidelity, and then was awarded with the kids, the house, the car, most of my earnings, and I got to pay for this. 7 years later I am still paying, yet she is not held responsible for her actions to date, and does not help to support the kids who now live with me. All I get is continued legal problems, all paid by tax payer dollars, and nobody will put a final end to it. I am not sure if it is because she is a woman that she is able to get away with not having to pay support, or forced to work, or is permitted to continue to bring rediculous accusations to court.

I don't really agree with the idea of making a marriage contract renewable every five years. I have been married for 5 years now, and we still are happily married, despite the ongoing problems from my previous marriage. I still believe that you marry for love and you stay married for life.

Last edited by rwm1273; 10-25-2010 at 10:28 PM.
  #108  
Old 10-26-2010, 12:28 AM
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But as we saw from Ruby's post, the cheaters will say that their spouse destroyed the marriage and that their infidelity was just in response to that. In such a highly charged emotional situation, blame and responsibility is such a grey area it would be impossible to sort out legally.

Marrying for life is apparently an outdated concept to far too many people to sustain now as a definition, so why not have limited terms? Then, in a happy marriage, you renew the vows and have another party and honeymoon!
  #109  
Old 10-26-2010, 09:41 AM
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I see your point but I still think that if you cheapen the sanctity of marriage to a short term contract then you enable people to continue to disrespect their partner.
Since no fault divorce people don't need to worry about their behavior and the biggest losers are the kids.
  #110  
Old 10-29-2010, 08:01 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tugofwar View Post
Why don't people face that their marriage is over, get out and then move on? I don't like cheaters. I think they are just cowards!
-- because some of those cheaters/sex weaponers/refusers are also free-loaders at the very core. Thus, ending the marriage is not to their advantage. Seeking alimony in divorce is a riskier undertaking -- just like most people, they have a fear of the unknown.
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