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  • Interesting perspective.

    Can't say that I disagree.

    'Kids Are Resilient' and 7 Other Lies Divorcing Parents Should Stop Believing



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    Last edited by SadAndTired; 01-19-2015, 02:05 PM.

  • #2
    Sounds like he an good old Dr Laura exchange notes.

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by Beachnana View Post
      Sounds like he an good old Dr Laura exchange notes.
      Well, the author is a she. She is a "former divorce mediator and current couples and family mediator". Obviously she would have seen some of the worst of situations. No one goes to mediation in a perfectly amicable divorce.

      And I didn't say it was scientifically written, just that I agreed.

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      • #4
        Oh and I agree with you. Should have put a smiley face as if you have ever listened to Dr Laura those are the exact same things she would say. She can be cery dogmatic in her approach.

        I agree with some of the points but not all of them. Its a very broad statement to put on what is such an individual situation. No two stories are totally the same.

        Comment


        • #5
          Ugh, ugh, ugh. This author's arguments only make sense if you assume that the alternative to divorce is a happy, stable home with two happy and competent parents. Yes, compared to that ideal scenario, divorce is a catastrophe. However, that's not the reality that many (if not most) divorcing parents are facing. Many (if not most) of us enter divorce because we have tried everything we can to save the marriage and we genuinely believe that the children would be worse off if the marriage continued.

          The author claims that she's heard "every excuse that parents use to feel better about breaking up their family". Most of us do not feel good about breaking up a family. Most of us feel terrible about it. But we believe that the family is already broken, that going through with the divorce is not going to "break" something that's intact.

          Maybe some people are really carefree and lighthearted about ending a marriage, or they meet some new flame and their heads get completely turned, but I haven't met many of those people.

          Her guilt-trippy research is also wrong (giveaway: announcing that "research shows" something or other without any citation or attribution). Look at the current work of Andrew Cherlin, Frank Furstenberg, Lisa Strohschein - divorce is a hard transition for kids, but they do not inevitably do worse than children from non-divorced families. The negative effects of divorce are largely attributable to downward economic mobility and to geographic dislocation, so the more stability the divorcing parents can provide, the better the outcomes for the kids will be. Children of divorce parents do better, in fact, than children from highly conflictual marriages whose parents remain married, on many psychosocial indicators.

          Finally, growing up with non-divorced parents is not a recipe for happiness. My parents never separated, never even fought overtly, but the underground tensions and stresses were extremely debilitating for all the kids, and we're all kind of messed up as a result. I don't believe that I automatically had a better or less stressful childhood than someone whose mother and father moved apart.

          Bottom line: if you're a couples and family mediator, keep your unfounded generalizations and moralizing about "sacred duty" to yourself. Focus on trying to help the hurting people who are in your office. Preaching at them about how selfish they are is completely unhelpful.

          /rant off/

          Comment


          • #6
            Good rant. For a mediator she is in " the perfect world " hence the Dr Laura reference. Its not automatic that parents separating cause harm to,their children etc etc. Too broad a stroke for such a complex situation.

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            • #7
              I love how the article says:

              "Of course, divorce isn’t always a bad thing. It’s the best course of action in some cases, such as abuse, unmanaged personality disorders and infidelity, to name a few."

              News flash, that's where most of the divorces out there come from anyway, so this article is pretty pointless.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by stripes View Post
                Ugh, ugh, ugh. This author's arguments only make sense if you assume that the alternative to divorce is a happy, stable home with two happy and competent parents. Yes, compared to that ideal scenario, divorce is a catastrophe. However, that's not the reality that many (if not most) divorcing parents are facing. Many (if not most) of us enter divorce because we have tried everything we can to save the marriage and we genuinely believe that the children would be worse off if the marriage continued.

                The author claims that she's heard "every excuse that parents use to feel better about breaking up their family". Most of us do not feel good about breaking up a family. Most of us feel terrible about it. But we believe that the family is already broken, that going through with the divorce is not going to "break" something that's intact.
                I know that's part of the thought process I went through! Would my children be better off with the parents living together, but with a father who was always away from home at work or with the mistress and lying about it, and a mother who was barely keeping it together at best and falling apart at worst, or be better off living alone with a recovering mother modeling self-sufficiency and independence and occasionally seeing a father who was still barely around. My divorce was basically me getting rid of the equivalent of a moody, freeloading, teenager who wanted to be anywhere but at home helping with the babies. Continuing that dynamic wouldn't have been healthy!

                Of course, years later they are out of diapers and can feed and dress themselves and keep themselves amused, and are in school, so their father is now showing more of an interest in them. I did all the sleep-deprived messy years of parenting, and now he's finally being dad?! But that annoyance is off topic, sorry.

                Originally posted by Straittohell View Post
                I love how the article says:

                "Of course, divorce isn’t always a bad thing. It’s the best course of action in some cases, such as abuse, unmanaged personality disorders and infidelity, to name a few."

                News flash, that's where most of the divorces out there come from anyway, so this article is pretty pointless.
                Yeah, that article basically serves to make people who divorced because of those reasons feel guilty and would be ignored by the few people who did divorce due to selfishness, because, well, they're selfish.
                Last edited by Rioe; 01-19-2015, 05:19 PM. Reason: improving grammar

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                • #9
                  I think you need to recognize who the target of the article is - It is that large chunk of divorcing people who "fall out of love" or "are just roommates" etc.... and say "Meh, its not so bad for the kids"..... It isn't for the people dealing with serious problems.

                  And YES, the #1 cause for marriage breakdown is "diverging interests"

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Oh and I agree with you. Should have put a smiley face as if you have ever listened to Dr Laura those are the exact same things she would say. She can be cery dogmatic in her approach.
                    Dr. Laura is neither a doctor or a psychologist. She has zero professional background to be giving any relationship advice.

                    On a personal level, she's also had multiple extra-marital affairs and if you're into porn, you can find lots of pictures of her with her legs spread wide open all over the net. The pictures were taken by one of her affair partners.

                    She also regularly advises women to stay home with their children. Something she didn't do herself...of course.

                    Her fame actually comes from using advice from other people in the psychology field with actual doctorates.

                    Rampant hypocrisy and moral bankruptcy???

                    Be careful who you take advice from.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think divorce is like religion. Its a serious personal decision that you have to feel within your own skin.

                      I know I should take these articles personally but I just shrug and really don't.

                      I know and have daily proof that divorce was the right thing for my kids and myself. My ex continues to get worse and worse. I shudder to think about what a nightmare my life would have been had I stayed with him....not to mention the fact that he was stealing money from me.

                      If the point of the article is that you exhaust all avenues to save a marriage before getting divorced...I thoroughly agree.

                      If the point of the article is to never get divorced and its always the greater of two evils...I thoroughly disagree and her point definitely doesn't jive with my own experience.

                      Comment

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