Serene I don't know you but respect you a lot. Word for word we live parallel lives (except the ebola part...that's incredible)
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Child's activities during other parent's time
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Thank you.
In my darkest days I never anticipated this. Honestly. It never occurred to me that things would be this way. And truth be told, I don't think there is a way to resolve this. We piss her off by virtue or breathing. Our professional success infuriates her. Yet we all know she really doesn't want us to make less because that would mean less for her.... we have one more year of spousal support. I don't anticipate her being more sensible or respectful as she scrambles to afford things with no job and no spousal support....I'm anxious to say the least. I expect the crazy meter to explode.
Ah well life goes on.
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Originally posted by Serene View PostI dunno....when I think of problem people I think of the first wife who sent me email after email on my wedding day....and then who wished me ebola on my honeymoon....neither of which occasions my husband or I ever whispered a word about to her....when I think of problem people I think to the first wife who screams at us in parking lots...in front of my kids, and her kids...
Beachnana - what did I think would happen? I actually had expectations that everyone would behave like an adult. Like my ex husband and I do. I thought common sense would prevail. That she'd move on and on and on in her own life (actually she had moved on before her marriage ever ended lol so this was a logical assumption on our part). I thought she'd spend her days going to school or progressing her efforts on a career as opposed to writing us hundreds of lengthy vulgar emails.
I thought wrong. That doesn't make the new family (my family) a problem.
And for what it's worth - my husband had children to be a FULL time parent. He is actually more involved with the kids than their stay at home mother believe it or not. That doesn't make him a better parent but I point this out because he WANTS to parent. Which is why we went on to have more children. Consider that when you scrutinize the second family....
Apology if I came off offensive to you. I, in my old school ways, cannot understand why adults do what they do to their ex and their children. As you get older you realise life is too short to spend time on unproductive things. But then I have always been level headed and honest and kind.
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If an activity falls on ex's time, I run it past him to see if he agrees with it. If so, he will take the kids but I always go and watch. A swimming pool or a soccer field are public spots. We don't sit together or even speak to each other most of the time but for me it's important that the kids know I support them. He never goes when the activities fall on my time and the kids have asked why daddy doesn't come watch them. I don't intend for them to ever ask that question about me.
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Food for thought/another perspective:
Myself and dad can't always be at kids activities. We are professionals and our jobs don't allow it. We are at every activity during our time though. In our situation, mom isn't working despite it being 5+ years since separation. Our jobs, that don't allow us to be everywhere for kids activities provide for mom's lifestyle and ability to be at every kid activity...and yet she still doesn't go. So be it, no big deal and I don't think in the big scheme of things it disadvantages the kids any.
But when you say "I don't intend the kids to ever ask me about that" I just wanted to mention, it's realistic that parents can't be everywhere. And it's okay to give your kids that realistic view....mom can't afford the vacations we do....but then again she could be at every activity if she wanted to. And guess what? The world won't stop spinning!
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You probably didn't mean it this way, Serene, but if any parent is telling their kids "Stepmom and I can take you on better vacations than Mom; and by the way Mom could come to your games and activities but she just doesn't bother" - that's not "giving them the realistic view", it's passive-aggressive snarking about Mom. The fewer comments or comparisons about Mom vs Dad, the better for everyone.
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I sure as hell did not mean it that way.
I merely suggest that in separated parents - one parent sometimes has the benefit of an income while not having to work.... and maybe dad can't be there, or is tired after working 12 hours a day to support two households.
We do not say anything about our finances or mom's. I know what hers are to some extent because we write the cheques and she isn't working....obviously the kids have deduced we can't be everywhere as work sometime interferes with things. And obviously they know we take them more places and on more vacations...that doesn't make us better. It makes it what it is. Its a fact.
If the kids ask "is mom coming?" I say: I don't know. If they ask why didn't she come? I say: that's a better question for your mom.
One time I heard one of the children say "my mom does have as much money as you....she needs a real job". I never asked what it meant, but I did say "I am not aware of your mom's finances and I don't think it's appropriate for us to discuss it".
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