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General Chat This forum is for discussing anything that doesn't fit into another forum, or for discussing things that are off topic, or just for general venting.

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  #1  
Old 11-25-2018, 08:57 PM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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Default Anyone else having to open up messages from their ex?

EDIT: title supposed to say .."anyone else hate having to open up messages from their ex"

Just curious if this is something every separated parent feels? I find the messages are either, unnecessary, mostly intended as a "haha made you look!", have a cute little condescending note, usually followed by a demand, a nice and sweet note that is really sarcastic and an insult in disguise, or a threat that if I don't do something schedule a next appointment by X date, then she will go against our agreement and schedule and take the child herself. basically the therapist called mom that a next session should happen and so mom calls me and gives me a week to schedule the next one, or that she will do it. The agreement is just that we will take turns to schedule them. Of course, she does not word them in such an obvious way so it would be very easy for a judge to find out her true motives and intends behind the messages.

I'm just keeping shut and giving into some of her demands because the agreement is not fully finalized and she could easily change her mind about some of the arrangements we have agreed to if I happen to piss her off just enough. I'm waiting for the agreement to be in a final order then will likely be asking her to respect our agreement on communications - basically we have a clause that we agree to be cordial and pleasant in communications, and not making demands, which she keeps going in non compliance of and sending me upsetting messages. The messages also seem to have an effect on my self esteem, causing some anxiety and effecting my focus.

Anyone else experiencing these things with their crazy and/or controlling exes ? I have tried the ignoring and just not opening up the messages but then she sometimes finds ways to seek important info in the messages, so I am sort of forced to read them. If I don't, or don't respond, then she, in the next message, says she will assume X if I don't respond or do Y by Z date - totally unreasonable and tries to punish me for not responding to her crazy prior messages, and to also control my scheduling of the child's appointments. It should be I schedule them when I feel like it - not when she wants me to do so by placing self made up deadlines and sort of setting up herself for a victim card to go against the actual agreement.

Last edited by tunnelight; 11-25-2018 at 08:57 PM. Reason: title supposed to say .."anyone else hate having to open up messages from their ex"
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  #2  
Old 11-25-2018, 10:25 PM
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arabian arabian is offline
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Suggestions/Options:

1) Purchase "Our Family Wizard" for you and her to use This software is often court recommended and used by people in high-conflict situations. Others on here can give you more information (or you can do a search on this forum for more information).
2) Put a 'bounce back' reply on your email indicating that you will read and reply to message by XXX of days. This will likely piss her off but at least you can't be accused of not communicating.
3) Reply to her email with very short one or two word answers (your wordy responses might inflame her and encourage her to keep sending you emails).
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Old 11-25-2018, 11:12 PM
tunnelight tunnelight is offline
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we are using our family wizard. I think it just filters out cuss words.

I try to limit the length of my responses as much as possible but I think any sort of feedback from me is enough for her to satisfy her "responded to" desires.

I think she is posturing to accuse me of not communicating . What is the threshold for someone to be found of not communicating ? If I post the scheduled event on the shared calendar and then communicate the outcome of the appointment in a very short sentence, is that enough to mute the argument ?
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Old 11-26-2018, 07:07 AM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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If your ex is being difficult now, they won’t suddenly cooperate with an agreement.

The best thing you can do is simply respond with a sentence or ignore it.

For instance: I have contacted the therapist and will advise when a date has been booked.

If the ex breaches the current agreement: This is is not in keeping with the current terms of our agreement.

Or even: the agreement is not open to interpretation. I have followed the term ITEM NUMBER. Your action is in violation of ITEM NUMBER and has been noted.

Or just ignore.
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Old 11-28-2018, 08:13 PM
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Get the book BIFF and read it. Very helpful in your situation.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses/
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Old 11-28-2018, 11:02 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Get the book BIFF and read it. Very helpful in your situation.

https://www.highconflictinstitute.com/biff-responses/
Yes, I'm sure BIFF would be a great co-parent

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