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  • lost soul

    It's been 3 years since my wife left. Nothing has been settled. We tried to work it out last year but nothing happened. Since then my 7 year old son has been diagnosed with HDHD and we have thought out help for him. Then her father died and we delayed it again. About two years ago there was a court order for discoveries. Nothing has been done regarding that. Today she told me she wants to settle and that she will be asking for Spousal support. I already pay her 1000.00 child support for 2 children. My job has changed and I'm required to work ever Saturday. I'm exuasted and feel like calling it quits. I'm 46. If I leave my job due to health reason. Heart condition, stress. what could happen to me. I have offered her allot of money but because I can't see my children on Friday nights anymore she feels she should get more cash. I have not paid her Spousal Support. She doesn't work and has no intention of working, she is 47, As you can imagine I been living on pins and needles for 3 years. At times i just feel like ending it all, but god helps me through it. My son attached her the other night saying he was going to kill her. The poor little boy is rebelling agaist her. even when he begs to see me she say no its not his weekend. Both my children no carry such sad faces. But my ex only thinks of herself and the money I owe her. Lost soul

  • #2
    http://www.ottawadivorce.com/forum/s...ead.php?t=2875

    The above thread is another individual asking questions on spousal support.
    Without any details on your marriage, if she never worked during the marriage you will have a tough time asking that there be no SS.
    If she worked part time to accommodate the needs etc of the children, then you could try to prove that she is capable of self sufficiency and that she simply will not make any attempt to become self sufficient.
    SS in my opinion, and please don’t inundate me with posts on this, I feel there should not be SS, and if there is to be SS that it is to be less than 5 years. 5yrs is more than enough time to get to a point where one can support themselves, and even enough time that if this individual never worked during the marriage, could become re-educated and seek employment.
    IN some cases an individual is simply incapable, physically, to work and in this case there is disability available, for which I think SS plays a role, again please don’t shoot me for having my opinion. I know there are those out there very much deserving of SS for they gave up a lot to be a wife and a mother, and for that I ask not to drive this poor guy off track trying to state claims on SS.
    He seems to be in a desperate position and needs our help not our inability to have the same opinion.


    If your wife is one of those individuals that gave up her career for the children, again you’d have a tough time not having to pay SS, but if it were me, I’d seek to have a time frame attached to it. If she was able to support herself prior to the marriage, she’s capable after, and with a little upgrading can do that easily, as I have.
    Actually I had gone into the victim witness program, changed my name and went back to school and started from scratch, got the education and now the very well paying job, so I know if I can do it from scratch with a psycho ex following me, then so too can the average person.

    If you can provide some more details on your situation I’m sure there will be others here that can offer similar situations and how they handled it. Best of luck to you, don’t give up, there are children counting on you. You should be looking at getting the children someone to talk to, as it appears that they desperately need some intervention so that they can learn to understand what is happening and how to cope.

    In the interim I’d seek an order to vary visitation based on your work schedule. If you work every Saturday, there has to be times you can take them where it would not interfere with their school? Maybe “every” Saturday evening to Monday morning?
    Could you take them to school Monday? There is always ways around difficult schedules. Children deserve to have both parents, and in this day and age where both parents work, it’s not unusual for the children to be cared for during the day and parents pick them up after work to take them home. Could you not also do this during the weekend?


    Sorry for the long post.
    FL

    Comment


    • #3
      Originally posted by OB1
      At times i just feel like ending it all, but god helps me through it. My son attached her the other night saying he was going to kill her. The poor little boy is rebelling agaist her. even when he begs to see me she say no its not his weekend. Both my children no carry such sad faces.
      Be strong brother, your kids need you. I know it's exceedingly difficult.

      Comment


      • #4
        Hello OB1,

        Sorry to hear about your situation. Just some thoughts I have:

        It's in the best interests of your ex-wife to seek SS. Entitlement to SS is almost a guarantee when there are children involved. The quantum and duration are negotiable; however, duration will often be cited as "indefinite". This is not the same as permanent, but will require multiple reviews to made "definite" (if this ever comes to be). Therefore, how can you at least affect quantum and duration?

        1) It's my belief that needs and means will be considered. However, "needs" can be easily created; therefore, your best bet would be to show how your "means" will not allow for SS. If your child requires special assistance, monies should be put towards his needs first. Only monies left over after CS and the children's special needs should be considered for SS.
        2) With respect to the ex-wife's "needs", she hasn't received SS for three years. Is she going majorly into debt because of this?
        3) In this day and age surely the legal system in Canada would see women as competent, contributing members of the Canadian workforce. Hopefully the judge in your case will see that a woman of 47 years of age can participate in supporting her children financially. Did she work prior to giving birth to your son at the age of 40?
        4) The Spousal Support Advisory Guidelines can be used by the judge and these suggest a timeframe for SS (depends on the length of the marriage).
        5) Finally, beware the Leskun precedent. Your ex-wife may claim she is unable to work due to the death of her father creating stress in her life.

        Remember - one day you will be able to look back at this time in your life and say "I made it through". Hang in there!

        Fair4All

        Comment


        • #5
          Thanks for your replies. I know if I end up in front of a judge I will be crucified. She will be awarded SS and half of everything I worked all my life for. Yes, my ex is properly going further and further into dept. Yet she manages to buy new clothes, and go out with her girlfriends to bars. I still live in the Matrimonial home which is ¾ owned by my mother. My father passed away suddenly of a heart attack 4 years ago. Since then my mom has fallen into severe Depression and in return has added allot of pressure to me. At times I’m so confused trying to deal with my own depression and listening to her just makes it more difficult. Just tonight she was crying I just got more frustrated. I want to be there for her and I will but it is killing me.

          Over the next few weeks my ex will push for a settlement, I told her if she takes 55% of my salary things would change for both of us. I cannot accept going to work and giving someone that despises me most of my hard earned money. I want to support my children and will give them what I can. But not her. I will be giving her a lump sum, if she refuses as my boss tells me take a leave. He see the stress I’m under and has made the comment that I’m not effective. God forbid if I loose my job. I have thought of moving back to my home country, ending it all or just working under the table the remainder of my life. But then I loose my children, and that I could never live with. I just pray that God gets me through this. It is so difficult. Can’t judges see what this is doing to families?

          My ex did take some course last year. She claims she can’t work due to babysitting cost, which I offered to pay half. I know she’s 47 but she could work if she wanted to, but she properly figures when she gets her 200,000.00 and 1700.00 a month she will be fine. How about me I’m 46 have to deal with depressing and have a heart condition, Who care about me work and pay until you die. That’s our legal system.

          Comment


          • #6
            You should give a bunch more details about your situation. It may be that there are some things you can do.

            Give some details on your marriage. How long was it? Did she work beforehand?

            You say you have two children, one is 7 how old is the other? Do you live close to them?

            What are the specific custody/acesss arrangements? FL_needs_to_change has a point. Can you alter the schedule to give you back the time you lost on Fridays, presumably because you now have to work on Saturdays?

            Why do you think you owe her $200,000? You say your Mom owns 3/4 of that house, who owns the other 1/4, you or you and your wife? Do you have other assets? Maybe you don't owe her as much as you think.

            How imperative is it that you work? Forgetting child support for a minute, do you have other financial obligations (mortgage?) that prevent you from leaving work for a while to deal with your health? Do you have disability insurance at work?

            Is that $1,000/mth you're paying her court ordered? It sounds like it but you don't say. Could you go to court and have it varied immediately upon taking a medical leave?

            Maybe a leave from work could allow you to spend more time with your kids.

            You can't continue to live in fear that she will go to court and get spousal support. It's wreaking havoc with your mental health. What good are you to your kids if you stay down this same road?

            Have you had a recent consultation with a lawyer, spelling out the whole story? You appear to be living in fear. Maybe an objective consultation with a lawyer will really help.

            Please seriously consider health counselling for you. From your posts, you sound like you absolutely need it. Does your work insurance cover this? Even if it doesn't, pay for a couple of sessions. I'm a middle aged guy, maybe a little "tough" and "who needs it" type person, and I did it - it works. Trust me, if you have no other support (you only mention your mom, who you say has her own problems), then this is critical. You need someone to talk to who will listen to you. This forum is great, but it's not enough.

            Good luck and feel free to post a bunch more facts about your situation.

            Comment


            • #7
              Thanks dodtotheend,

              I was married for 9 years, most of those years we were living in separate rooms. About 1 years before we got married she got laid off and never returned other than for about 1 year before my son was born. After that she just stayed home even though I would tell her it was difficult to survive on one income. She did baby sit a while but made no real money doing it. My kids are 7 and 11 years old. As I mentioned before my son has been recently been diagnosed with HDHD. He requires allot of attention. He those want to be with me but she refuse to let me see them other then my scheduled time. We don’t have any type of agreement yet. I have been seeing them from 3:30 Fridays to 8:30 Sunday nights and every Wednesday from 3:30 to 8:30. I pick them off and drop them off. We live about 20 km away from each other. I wanted to split the drive but she always makes an excuse.

              As for my home, my mother holds a mortgage on it that I haven’t paid back. I do plan to when the house is sold. The other 50% is also owned by her. Another words she owns 50 and 100,000, which I owe her on my percent. Of course her lawyer is arguing this. The house was purchased 10 years before I married her with these arrangements.

              As for given her 200,000 that’s part of my pension, cash I had in the bank and part of the house. It might not come up to that much but I’m afraid she will ask for back pay SS.

              Yes, I’m living in fear. This woman has already cost me over 30,000 in legal fees and I can’t really afford to fight her anymore. She simple said she wants SS in full which would destroy me. Yesterday, I asked her to let me see the kids for a few hours the week where I go a whole 7 days without seeing them. When I drop them of Wednesday night I don’t see them till the following Wednesday. That’s along time to go without seeing your children. She said NO. So I have to wait until next Wednesday. Then that weekend will be mine again. Unfortunately, since I started working Saturdays I can’t take them till after 3:00pm. So that really doesn’t give me much time with them. I do drive them to school on Monday mornings now.

              I guess I feel like this women will wipe me out financially, and the sad thing is she is controlling my kids, my money, and unfortunately my life. It is so hard to move forward with this heavy weight on my shoulder.

              I have been seeing a councilor and will start up again soon. I don’t know how much more I can take. The 1000. Child support is the guideline amount on my income. I guess since I still live in the house the expense is killing me. I don’t want to sell it because my kids love it there, it is were they were born.

              Thanks again.

              Comment


              • #8
                Hello OB1,

                As I mentioned before my son has been recently been diagnosed with HDHD. He requires allot of attention.
                Obviously you're a very concerned father and want the best for your children. Is your son currently in a program for children with HDHD? Or is this something that you could investigate?

                I guess since I still live in the house the expense is killing me. I don’t want to sell it because my kids love it there, it is were they were born.
                You say that you've been separated for three years and that the children's primary residence is with your ex-wife. Is there a way that the children's primary residence could be with you?

                If your ex-wife is not receiving monies from you (beside CS) then how has she been able to afford her housing and legal costs (plus going out and buying new clothes)? Is there the possibility that she is working and not reporting this? Or is she using savings? You should have a list of all assets of the marriage and their value at the beginning of the marriage and at the time of separation. This is something you should review with your lawyer.

                I hope the counselling is able to help you and your children.

                Comment

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