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  • Advice/Opinions Welcome

    A little backstory. Currently going through court again, my ex is seeking to increase parenting time. We have a court order.
    Prior CAS case as my child indicated a stepparent had physically hit them. Case was closed as there was no physical evidence. Child still expressing fear over said stepparent but no further incidents or proof. OCL refused involvement. Feeling helpless. Don't know how to report disclosures from my child without it being seen as hearsay or manipulation. Facing pressure to settle but worried to increase time when my child is still expressing fear. Large amount of bullying and conflict from other parent.

  • #2
    CAS and OCL wouldn’t become involved for a reason. I’m not saying your child is lying but they could be misreading or manipulating the situation. And the other side may not be bullying you, it could be they are not feeling the gatekeeping.

    Provide them with increases here and there and see how it goes. Also speak to your child about moms house and dads house. Also outline how to manage the differences in houses.

    Remember too that your child will pick up on your stress and it will impact them. This is their other parent, do they not deserve time with their child?

    Comment


    • #3
      I appreciate your reply. They do already currently have time. CAS did become involved and received a disclosure from my child, it took a few months before the case was closed after there not being sufficient physical evidence. And I of course agree that it would be ideal. The concern is increasing the time when there is fear from my child of the stepparent that lives in the residence. In an ideal situation we could increase time with there being no concern of my child being fearful.

      Comment


      • #4
        Again, if they didn’t put in any recommendations, it is the child’s word against others. Because it involves the step parent I question whether or not it is the child picking up on your feelings and/or uncomfortableness of being with the parent and their new partner.

        Which goes back to my comment on reassuring your child the step parent is accepted and welcomed into the broader family unit the child is now in. Yes it is difficult in a new family situation and yes feelings get hurt and yes emotions run high but this is the home of their parent and their spouse. Perhaps your child was misbehaving, rude or insolent and the step parent had to discipline? I have been in situations with nieces and nephews where my siblings encouraged me to expect a specific behaviour and discipline when an unsafe situation came up. Not to mention, just because something may have happened doesn’t mean it will happen again. Should the step parent be seen as bad forever?

        If your ex is willing to take this to court to get more time then you run the risk of a hefty cost to prevent the inevitable. What will you do if a judge agrees that the other parent deserves more time? Withhold access?

        You don’t have to discount the other child’s claim that something might have happened but you can remind them that a) this is their other parent and they want to spend time with them and b) the other parent’s spouse has every right to expect respect and behaviour in their home. That they need to work with the other parent while in their home and that the other parent and their spouse are important and welcome people in their life.

        Children of divorce walk a fine line and while it is difficult at times, they are also responsible for themselves. My mother used to teach us to be disrespectful of my father’s partners and my husband’s ex repeated to his kids that I was simply his wife and nothing important in their life. My husband’s kids are not welcome in our home and life if they are rude or disrespectful. You also need to realize that this person may be in your child’s life for the long term. It is on both you and your child to accept that and work together.

        Comment


        • #5
          I appreciate your insight.

          Comment


          • #6
            "Expressing Fear" - I think you should focus on reassuring your child not to be afraid and that he should be comfortable in both environments. This is of course unless you truly believe the stepparent is a danger to your child. Doesn't sound like it. Helping him/her to feel at ease and comfortable with both parents should be your guiding principle. Maybe suggest a meeting with your ex and the stepparent where your child can see you all together.

            Comment


            • #7
              The thing with unsubstantiated abuse claims is they don't get far in limitting additional time or reducing time. The reason being if there is substantiated abuse, the request would be no parenting time or supervised time because there is no set amount of time that is acceptable if abuse is happening that says as long as parenting time is limited to every other weekend or 3 days per week, abuse won't occur. If there is abuse it should be zero or supervised access.

              Nothing has been substantiated so there is no valid reason to deny equal time between parents. If the child is having an emotional reaction to being at his home with the other parent then there are reinforcing actions you can try to help them overcome their fears, or enlist the help of a counselor for the child, or even the child and both parents.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by anon987 View Post
                Facing pressure to settle but worried to increase time when my child is still expressing fear.
                How many days does the stepparent need to abuse your child? Can they abuse your kid if they only see him 3 days a month? How about 7 days?

                At what threshold amount of time is the stepparent a risk?

                Large amount of bullying and conflict from other parent.
                How was the other parent bullying you?

                Comment

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