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  • How do you find peace?

    It's only been 5 days, I know, time heals all .. but .... I am tired of hearing my heart beating in my ears. Feeling my chest explode with heat and anxiety. Nerves running rampant... crying fits in the produce isle at Sobeys.. Ugh.

    How do you find peace? How can I find that quiet, safe place where I can gather my thoughts? How do you stop your mind from going down the most negative roads?

    I suppose these feelings are normal. I guess loads of folks on here are going through the exact same things. I would not wish this sadness on my worst enemy.

    Thanks for any tips / advice.

    Heidi

  • #2
    find something that makes you happy like listening to upbeat music, keep busy doing things that make your mind think about something else like a crossword puzzle or something. Go for walks and pay attention to the changes that are taking place because of the spring.

    My thing was listenting to 80's music and dancing like an idiot in my living room. It mademe happy and also lost some weight and toned up because of it.

    Comment


    • #3
      Interstingly enough 80's music helped me a lot as well. lol. actually just music in general is a great way to unwind.

      Exercise or physical activity is also an excellent idea, the brain chemicals released when you are active will help to quell some of the negative emotions you are experiencing.

      Also the more that you endure all of this, the more you can look back and say, yes I've endured it for THIS LONG, and it may help to make you feel stronger about your ability to persevere.

      And come here a lot. We are here to help.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
        find something that makes you happy like listening to upbeat music, keep busy doing things that make your mind think about something else like a crossword puzzle or something. Go for walks and pay attention to the changes that are taking place because of the spring.

        My thing was listenting to 80's music and dancing like an idiot in my living room. It mademe happy and also lost some weight and toned up because of it.
        Thank you so much for the advice! I just happened to have a new, fully loaded Ipod Shuffle with 400+ tunes ready to roll God Bless Mac!

        Originally posted by pemachine View Post
        Interstingly enough 80's music helped me a lot as well. lol. actually just music in general is a great way to unwind.

        Exercise or physical activity is also an excellent idea, the brain chemicals released when you are active will help to quell some of the negative emotions you are experiencing.

        Also the more that you endure all of this, the more you can look back and say, yes I've endured it for THIS LONG, and it may help to make you feel stronger about your ability to persevere.

        And come here a lot. We are here to help.
        You are right about that too! The longer I endure, the better / stronger I'll feel about myself in the long run...... Thanks!!

        Mucho Appreciative

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        • #5
          Well, I joined a fitness boot camp that ran 3x per week. It was positively murder on the body at the start and I honestly couldn't pick up a glass of water some days.

          That pain felt pretty good after a little while. It got addictive too. After 24 consecutive months, I have now lost close to 45lbs, run a 1/2 marathon, competed in 3 triathlons.

          That isn't to say that that's for everyone, but shake up it - do something different and focus on YOU. And have FUN.

          Good luck...

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          • #6
            I'm just new to this too. A good friend of mine who has been through several disasterous relationships gave me this advice:

            1. Get your closest circle of friends and ask them straight out to support you by keeping you busy and distracted with frivolity and good times. If they can't help you: Find a new bunch of friends.

            2. Hit the gym, and hit it HARD. Not only will you get some frustrations out, but when your body has gotten a good workout you'll sleep better. And on top of it all, you'll immediately start feeling healthier and looking better. You're back on the market, remember.

            3. Channel your negative feelings into something you can feel good about. Try volunteering at a Food Bank. A couple of days there, and your life will be put in perspective.

            4. Try meditation. It's easy, cheap and effective. Buy a mediation book/CD combo, and learn how to purge the demons and find a little inner peace.

            Comment


            • #7
              Man this is tough, in my situation I never pushed for a seperation...she wants out bad.

              Guys/Gals, how do you let go??? it kills me to think she will be seeing other men...

              How are some ways to deal with that? Ive been working out again in the gym, but thats 1 hr out of 23 where im not thinking about the relationship ending....

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              • #8
                It's hard to let go. My wife cheated on me, and now continues her relationship with this new guy while I'm in the marital house, paying the bills.

                Sure, I've lost loads of sleep and a good 10 pounds.

                My only saving grace is that I decided to put myself out there completely out of my comfort zone. I wake up early, shower, take the kids to school and then get out of that damned house. Find a new hobby, or even just grab an interesting book and go to a coffee shop and read for a while.

                If you find yourself coming home and sleep seems unlikely: Have a glass of red wine and crack open a book and read until you fall asleep.

                Comment


                • #9
                  I used EAP at work a bit... it helped some... that well being thing...lol

                  Here's the text of it

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    just joined the forum today. I think we should all realize that all disastrous events in our lives generate normal and predictable responses. Whether a divorce or a death.
                    denial, anger, bartering (in the case of divorce, hoping things can get back to normal, pleassse! :-) ) and acceptance etc... I probably missed a few stages.

                    Research has shown that a person in the midst of separating can actually exhibit symptoms of insanity. How hard is that!

                    you shouldnt feel you are weak or abnormal when you have these feeling!! the fact you acknowledge them means you are being introspective and can reason what is going on, inside of you.

                    (At some point I was at work trying to forget it all and the place started spinning and I actually came to understand what a nervous breakdown was like. but I pulled back, went into denial for a little bit :-) )

                    Don't forget that the other person, unless unbalanced, egotistical or just not caring (and my heart, what's left of it, goes out to those people how have this kind of partner) is probably going through the same thing.

                    last thing. there is actually help out there for our psychological situation. In Quebec you can go to you MD and ask for psychological councelling, and it can be covered by your health insurance. I'm sure there's something similar in Ontario.

                    Forums, friends and family are integral to getting through this, but they can only give so much advise, and not always the best...
                    A "pro" may be what some of us need.

                    Also, if you are lucky enough to agree that you need to remain "friends", or as my ex says "roommates", there's end of relationship councelling.

                    My ex and I have agreed we need to CLOSE old wounds (not open them up again) for the sake of the kids.

                    to be honest though, we are seeing a mediator next week and I think that will shoot all of the good feelings (?) out of the water.

                    sorry for the rant, I guess we all need to share

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I think everybody experiences a hard time after divorce or separation of a long-time relationship. It's a little like starting a new life, a lot of things change. It can be very hard to adapt to the new situation and the new challanges. Anger, sadness and desparation are normal feelings in such a situation, I'm sure everyone knows what I mean. You have to calm down, try to see things from an objective point of view and learn to cope with the break-up.

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                      • #12
                        I feel your pain

                        I feel sick to my stomach ,I don’t know what to feel , my emotions are a rollercoaster. I am sad , hurt, lonely, depressed, empty, so much pain. It feels like someone died , it really does. The tears flow freely daily , I can’t eat and everything seems pointless. I feel no joy in anything , I just want to sleep all the time and never wake up. Getting to sleep is torture , this is when I think about my husband and our relationship over and over and over , then I cry and cry.
                        The very worse part of all and I mean this , I know I am better off BUT ,that realization doesn’t make the extreme loneliness, the pain that strikes through me when I think of the good times, the pictures that remind me of the great times. It is funny that in the 13yrs together only the first 5yrs was really good then went downhill from there, then why do I hurt so much? Why do I wish things could have worked out . I put up with so much and was willing to keep going on no matter how much he put me through. So , so , so many people warned me not to marry or even go out with him , his own family even. I thought my patient , soft, non aggressive, easy going, loving, caring, calming, giving, personality would counter his aggressive, impatient, extremely hot tempered, personality . I am a gluten for punishment I guess. Why the Hell do I look to see if he is online, or hope he will call , What is wrong with me!! All I ever heard from people for the last 13yrs is you can do better , why do you stay with him, does he hit you ( he never laid a hand on me , but scared the hell out of me when he would scream at me so loud that my neighbors came over to see if I was okay, he also smashed a lot of our stuff ) But, there was plenty of reasons to love him , he is extremely generous , giving, helpful, romantic ,adventurous, funny and cute.
                        I am so willing to give , never to take , as a matter of fact my husband told me it was one of the biggest things that bugged him about me ,was that I never wanted anything, I had no dreams or goals that I just road on his coattails following him around. He loses his temper very , very, very easy so I just always wanted to make him happy and do what he wanted so whatever John wanted to do I did . As his temper worsened and he scared me more and more I never wanted to make any decisions or do anything without seeing if it was okay with him first ,and he hated that. He hated that I was afraid of him , that I would cry instead of fight , that I would be hurt instead of angry. I don’t have an aggressive bone in my body, I avoid conflict, I have never fought with anyone, I have never screamed at anyone . A lot of people think he is bipolar like his dad , he has gotten fired from every job.
                        He blames me for never getting anywhere in life. He says I am suppose to be his business partner and that I will never be the type of person to take a chance, risk, or encourage him to do anything. Whenever he wants to do a project I have to do it with him and if I don’t know how , not strong enough, or not confident enough he is extremely angry with me. For example, if he is lets say building something and I can’t lift the wood , I don’t understand his instructions, I ask questions, don’t know the proper tool to use , HE IS LITERALLY SCREAMING AT ME SO LOUD THE WHOLE NEIGHBOURHOOD can hear him and he looks like the incredible hulk, his face is beet red, spit is flying out of his mouth , his eyes are bulging, and he looks like he is going to tear me apart. I have heard him say this many times “ I wish for once I had someone who knew what they were doing , who didn’t have to have everything explained to them over and over , who doesn’t ask questions all the time” But , why doesn’t he get his guy friends to help him out? But I am guilty too of asking him to do everything I want to do together. I believe we made the mistake of trying to do absolutely everything together , we were rarely apart. We didn’t do things with just the guys or just the girls , he sometimes did just guy stuff , but rarely.
                        How do I move on. Everyone says I am so much better off , that this is a good move, things will just get better from here. Then why am I so utterly depressed and horribly hurt. I keep thinking I am not good enough, thin enough, pretty enough . While we were talking about separation and I was going to go stay with an aunt for a bit , I hadn’t even left yet and he cheated on me and then again when we got back together and things weren’t going well . My husband is my second boyfriend , I have very little experience with dating and I have no experience in being hurt . My god the pain.
                        I will stop now , I really needed to get this off my chest. Thank You sooo much for listening, very much appreciated.

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                        • #13
                          I feel like I am continually being met with the SHOCK again and again. I really didn't see it coming even though there were many problems. I wish he hadn't even told me about the other woman. I was dealing with it a lot better before that. And it's not so much that I am heartbroken by sexual betrayal. It's just that I can't believe he is such a dog! I never thought he would do such a thing. Some male role model for a little girl. It literally makes me sick to my stomach. I have good days where I feel strong, empowered and then days where I don't want to get out of bed in the morning. It's so painfully eye opening, it's so NOT where I want to be in my life right now, but it's happening and it is similar to death ~ my father died in 2000 and I remember feeling many of the same things. I'm thankful that because of losing a parent I can recognize what's happening. That I am stronger, and especially because I am a mother, left holding the bag, having a nervous breakdown is not an option. I am going to my Doctor tomorrow to see about getting something for those really bad days. My friends and family are scattered all over the world, I wish they could BE here.

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                          • #14
                            How do I find peace?

                            I am ecstatic that I lost the 22lbs that I had put onto my small frame in the last 2 years. My back has never felt better and I feel more confident.

                            I appreciate and accept all my emotions and feel these are all what makes us unique as human beings. To feel is to be alive and without this we lack what it is to make us who we are.

                            And good Karma always has its rewards. I did express my sympathy when I heard the news from my ex husband from 10 years past. Who entered into a relationship prior to our split and subsequently married this person. That do unto others what you would expect them to to unto you has found its way into his life. I am sure he already realizes this and perhaps now we can have a more corrigible relationship.

                            That is how I find some peace getting through this.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Its only been 6 days for me and I am struggling to contain the tears so that I can try to put up a front and lead a normal life for my kids. It is the hardest thing I have ever had to do. I am a guy who hadn't cried in years and never as much as this. I will take the advice to get exercise and join a gym and hope that that wil help. This is a nightmare!
                              Knowing that others went through it and are getting better is a help.

                              Comment

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