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  Ottawa Divorce .com Forums > Main Category > Parenting Issues

Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #11  
Old 09-08-2018, 11:35 AM
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Yes, I actually knew that and then forgot halfway through answering. I still think that 50/50 is better, but now I'm agreeing with concerned mom . Assuming of course that it is actually 50/50 and that mom is not intervening during dad's time.

That said, her tone leads me to believe that she will almost certainly continue to intervene heavily, because that is how she likes to demonstrate that she is a wonderful parent. Poor kids.
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  #12  
Old 09-09-2018, 09:05 PM
c0ncernedM0M c0ncernedM0M is offline
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When is 50-50 not in the best interest of the kids? Has society gotten so overwhelmed with father's rights over the past 20 years most forget the actual best interest of the child? I have to wonder.

My situation.... our family....broken as it may be.. has one child who has not had a positive relationship with his father since 2 years of age (now 9). Yet a sibling has a relationship that has proven to be normal through an in tact house as well as a broken one. Do you disregard the best interest of one child to accommodate a 50/50 for the other?

Once again I say thank you for the forum advice...based I am sure on your own personal experiences which are not my own. I do however have to wonder how the children of forced 50/50 will fair out when 100 years of psychology is disregarded for the 'win'.

I am difficult, I will be the first to admit that. I am however putting both the physical and emotional well being of my children over all else.

Poor kids.....wow. if only you had a clue. My son is currently in my primary care and my daughter has been with her father since Monday. She will return through transition tomorrow after school. She has had a great time with him....not calling once to save her from the fighting. I rest easy knowing I made the right choice for HER and for HIM given the choices I was provided this past week.

What will happen a week from tomorrow is yet to be determined.

If nothing else wish me luck in ensuring BOTH of my children stay amazing. I have learned this forum is likely best suited for the legalities and financial issues surrounding divorce and the parenting issues requiring a certain emotional awakening regarding little humans are best left offline. Anxious to see how my financial questions might be answered should I post one.
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  #13  
Old 09-09-2018, 09:23 PM
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I recall that when I first posted on this forum I was kinda put off with some advice I received. Not many people (actually none at that time) had similar experience I was going through. Still I was able to glean some pretty good pointers about the legal stuff. I learned how to search for information myself without relying on my lawyer to explain everything. I recall learning about CanLII and that totally opening up my world, legally. I could better understand things my lawyer would patiently tell me.

Hope things work out for you. I hope you do keep us posted. Your experience will help others. We do appreciate your posts.
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  #14  
Old 09-10-2018, 11:05 AM
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I don't know if this will help but I thought I would add my 2 cents. First of all, I agree separation/divorce is very difficult...probably the most difficult thing anyone can experience. ...and then you get family law, lawyers, judges, mediators involved and it only makes things more messy.

I was in court to try to prevent a split custody arrangement. My daughter wanted to attend an arts high school 2.5 hours away and live with her dad. I was against our kids being split. My other daughter is 11. The judge ruled in favour of my 13 year old moving and split custody (my younger daughter lives with me, older one lives with her dad). So, it is not always the case that the courts will support what you want or think is best for your child. In this case, the judge pretty much...quite literally left the decision up to my 13 year old.

My kids are older but I agree, unless either is in danger, the kids should stick together. I don't think the issues with your DS and ex will improve with less contact. It sounds like co-parenting is not working so well...try parallel parenting. Sometimes that's a better option for your kids as well as for your own sanity.

My heart goes out to you... these are not easy waters to navigate.
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  #15  
Old 09-26-2018, 03:10 PM
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Update: As written the first week of school was a write-off and as some will allude was my fault for picking up my son after his father told me to...I stick by my decision.
Last week kids were back with ex. First night, another phone call, second night another one, fourth night ex refused to take ds to hockey as punishment for picking his nose. Every phone call I supported their relationship as I always do, actually told son how proud i was of him for not acting out like last time.
DD disclosed at hockey on Saturday morning the house has been loud, hands on, lots of yelling. Also disclosed they (6 and 9) were left home alone Saturday AM. Ex left while son (9) was sleeping and daughter (6) was awake. I send him an email yesterday and he apologized. At least nothing bad happened I guess? Am I wrong in being concerned?






At son's counselling appointment today she advised she is no longer willing to see my son, but will continue to assist the ex. File closed for my nine year old who was the one who came there for help. Ex only engaged himself when CAS was called - and it was the counsellor who called. WOW! I am speechless on that one.


UPDATE on Ottawa appointments: 3 pediatricians and a mental health professional all confirm this is not an ADD thing, nor a medical issue, no change to medicine recommended. Ex is still not happy and still wants more tests. They all told him in black and white these are relationship issues and not medical in nature. But behold maybe now he has a split personality. When is enough simply enough.




Parenting advise forum....what do I do now?
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  #16  
Old 09-26-2018, 10:51 PM
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Just my 2 cents, but as a Mom with 2 special needs children, it could be an ADD thing. Most children with ADD/ADHD thrive on a strict routine and do not transitioning well between the 2 homes and household rules, especially in the beginning of a parents separation. I have learnt the hard way (and still not there yet). In my experience they seem to do better in the more structured home. For our children the 2 parenting style and different rules at each home made life almost unbearable for all. Your son may be acting out because of this, I know my s(8) did.

It somewhat sounds to me your ex is getting frustrated with the child behaviour and lashing out (been there, did that too). I am no medical expert, but from personal experience, taking a child off and on medication if a BAD idea. This must be done under the strict supervision of a doctor. I do know many children that only need the medication during school, but with your son acting out like this, its not the time for one parent to decide when and if they take it.

Part of our jobs as parents of special needs children, is to emphasize life skills as much as education. Its a life skill for your son to adapt to his situation of having 2 homes, because that's his reality and it will give him peace and confidence to do it. I do agree with the other posters, you need to cut the phone calls to your child, as he most likely is doing this so you will rescue him and get his own way. You and your ex need to work together somehow to mirror the 2 households as far as routine, discipline and structure. So basically if you and you ex agree that missing a hockey game for picking your nose is appropriate then it must happen in both homes. ADD kids also don't do well in loud environments and yelling only causes more anxiety for a child, so getting on the same page with noise levels in both homes should help.

Again easier said than done (in my situation we are working with an Agency). I think your going to have to reach out and get some help with this. I could help you if your in the Toronto area with programs, but seems like your from Ottawa?

The feeling I get from your situation is your ex is having a hard time dealing with the ADD behaviour and not your son, so to speak. This maybe why your daughter has no problems with the transitions and adjusting between the 2 homes.

Hang in there, it does get better with time and a lot of patience.
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  #17  
Old 09-27-2018, 08:47 AM
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You should advise both your son and your ex that the pick ups will stop. And that they need to learn to deal with each other and try to work together. Separately you need to advise your son that his father is his PARENT and he makes the rules whether kid likes it or not. If you were happily married and kid was acting out would you side against your husband? You need to advise your ex of your plan to stop coming running and that your son will be trying to work within the rules but ex needs to remember kid is 9 and kids misbehave which is why they have parents to GUIDE them. This isnt the 19th century.

As for counseling it is a good thing your ex continues. It could be helpful to him to learn how to manage his child.

This isnt some great tragedy. Its a parent and a child failing to get along. The bottom line is he is 9. They BOTH need to manage their own behaviours but they cant do that if they have a safety net.
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  #18  
Old 09-27-2018, 10:44 AM
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How well is this child doing in school? Is his behaviour managed there by his teacher and staff? Or is it just at Dad's that he cant manage?
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  #19  
Old 09-27-2018, 11:46 AM
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The behaviours are only with Dad. No where else. School/sports/grand parents/my home are considered fine. He has a substantial reading delay (IEP) however grades are B- - A+. Yes, he is a child and there are bad days, but never to the extreme which occurs with his dad.


Three weeks ago DS took a pair of scissors to his fathers hair. Last week kicked and punched, hit father with wooden spoon, calls him names, throws stuff at him, swears uncontrollable. Note: He has acted this way (maybe not as extreme) towards the father during the marriage. Again - there is a very long history here. They honestly have never gotten along. (No I did not side with my son when they would get into it - I would however need to physically stand between them and escort my then husband out of the room from time to time. I have always been careful not to disagree or be angry in front of kids. Example Ex wanted to have a family meeting two weeks ago - I was angry at him about something and told him not a good idea I don't want kids to see I am mad at you...which is the case and I won't be able to hide it.)


Are the outbursts a cry for help? I have picked him up and took him out of the environment only once and that was because my ex said come and get him I give up. That happened after the haircut.


I agree that the houses are very different. The thought of having two houses mirror one another is a pipe dream for me. I know it would solve some of the problems, however my ex will never change. He is a chaos - always has been. This is another reason the marriage didn't work. I am confident that if he agreed to the testing he would be diagnosed with ADD himself. I also recognize what my son needs to be successful - I knew this way before the diagnosis, and always did my best to provide. Structure, knowing what is planned next, no surprises, clean environment, etc. the list goes on. Ex however will not listen to advice from anyone. House is a disaster, no routine, no structure, constant changes, loud and angry, and the list goes on. I can't fix that for him. How do I teach my son how to cope and be successful in that environment when I no longer live in it myself. I tell him that when he feels himself getting angry or frustrated to walk away, play lego, ask for some personal space/time. I tell him he needs to tell his Dad how is he actually feeling instead of acting out. I tell him he needs to be responsible of his life and his choices will always have consequences. I encourage him to talk more openly.


As a mother I am broken. Divorce is hard enough but to have to experience all the other stuff that has happened to him over the last year is just too much. My heart brakes for him. And I know I have to take my 'mamma bear' emotion out of the equation, and I am working on that.........but it breaks me to imagine how he must feel in those moments of chaos with his dad, what emotional break he must feel afterward.......He watches his sister with his dad, and it breaks him even further. The ex has admitted to 'flaunting' his relationship with daughter in front of son in order to 'show him how it could be if only he would listen'.
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  #20  
Old 09-27-2018, 01:19 PM
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Your son has no respect for his father. Its clear in what you say and because the father expects respect he fails to understand that this is the problem.

These types of things are not always obvious. They also happen without really knowing it. It happens in intact families too.

You may want to see about parenting classes or other supports for both you and the child. Your son needs to learn these behaviours are not acceptable. Regardless of whether he only does them at dads house or not, by allowing this to continue your son WILL continue to act out against anyone he disagrees with. He is comfortable at school with no challenges NOW. He is fine at your house because you are safe for him. You should look into a new counsellor for him and also parenting supports for the two of them. If you are going to be the one to rescue him you also need to be the one to direct him in what is or isnt proper. Taking scissors to his father? Thats inappropriate and wrong.
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