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  • #16
    Question about parenting time

    Originally posted by Janus View Post
    She is probably more likely to die in a car accident than to be assaulted on the doorstep of her ex who just got seriously injured.

    Sometimes, "safety" fears are so ridiculous it feels like the person must know that it is not credible.


    Ehhhh....you don’t necessarily know what she means by safety fears. We don’t know her dv history.

    This behaviour the OP is describing by her ex is exactly the bullshit boundary pushing behaviour abusive partners thrive on. They push a bit here- well, it’s not totally unreasonable right? Drive the kids and walk them to the door. Okay- then next time. It’s come in the house and wait while I gather the kids stuff. Then it might be a snide comment- or standing too close to her. If there is any hope to “co-parenting” with an abusive or high conflict ex, it’s setting firm boundaries and not budging.
    Last edited by iona6656; 08-04-2019, 01:30 AM.

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    • #17
      Question about parenting time

      Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post



      Yes your ex may be a bully etc but sometimes its best to take the higher ground. You never know what the future may bring and someday you may need a favor from him.


      While I agree that being reasonable and taking the higher ground is generally the preferable approach. With ex partners who were abusive, it’s an invitation to them to engage in boundary pushing behaviour.

      OP- do what makes you comfortable. Do not let him tell you what needs to be done. Offer make up time when he’s healed up. Ask if he can have someone assist with the transfers. That’s as far as you need to go.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
        Ehhhh....you don’t necessarily know what she means by safety fears. We don’t know her dv history.
        You misunderstand. I found your use of the word "safety" to be ridiculous

        Originally posted by iona
        The OP does not need to be sacrificing her safety.
        That is what I felt was a ridiculous statement. The guy is crippled. There is no safety issue here. If you cry "safety" all the time, it hurts those who have legitimate safety issues.


        This behaviour the OP is describing by her ex is exactly the bullshit boundary pushing behaviour abusive partners thrive on.
        Her ex is injured, this is a temporary situation. This is hardly a boundary push.

        If there is any hope to “co-parenting” with an abusive or high conflict ex, it’s setting firm boundaries and not budging.
        Not being an epic jerk helps too.

        She has the right to not help, but that does not mean that she should not help.

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        • #19
          I totally agree with Janus. These are extenuating circumstances. I am positive that the guy isnt getting surgery just to be able to push boundaries with his ex.

          This isnt a situation where he is trying to switch weekends every month or something like that.

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          • #20
            The answer here should be to simply switch weekends until a later date, unless the ex is dead set on having the kids that weekend. And if that is the case, I would have simply offered to drop off the kids and they make arrangements to have extra care at the house to assist them.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by Janus View Post
              You misunderstand. I found your use of the word "safety" to be ridiculous

              ...

              That is what I felt was a ridiculous statement. The guy is crippled. There is no safety issue here. If you cry "safety" all the time, it hurts those who have legitimate safety issues.
              You don't know what the extent of the abuse was. Was it purely physical? Was it emotional or psychological? Was it sexual?

              Yeah- that's why you're wrong about this. Safety is about the person feeling safe and comfortable.

              My ex coming up to my car to tap on the window when our daughter was inside- is that a real threat? No. Did it make me feel off and unsafe? Yes. Was it in a public space? Yes.

              Was I overreacting? No. You know how I know I wasn't- because I felt unsafe because of his actions- because of our history. And anyone trained in working with victims of assault will tell you the same thing.

              You know what our coparent therapist told my ex when he said "I just want to know why she feels unsafe or uncomfortable" ? She said "She doesn't need to tell you. You're not entitled to know".

              Same deal here. You guys wanting to know why the OP doesn't want to go to the gate or walk the kids to the door- those questions where there is documented and real abuse- not valid in my opinion. She doesn't owe that to us- and she certainly doesn't owe those answers to her ex.


              Her ex is injured, this is a temporary situation. This is hardly a boundary push.
              By him telling her how the scheduling will work (e.g. drop them off for a couple of hours and pick them up) THAT is boundary pushing. You have parenting plan. Stick to it. If he needs to go outside that- it's totally understandable in this case- you ASK.

              When I broke my ankle. I asked that my ex accommodate me and the situation. When he said "nope" to parts of it- I made arrangements to have someone do my driving for me.

              That's what boundary pushing is.

              Not being an epic jerk helps too. ...She has the right to not help, but that does not mean that she should not help.
              Is that to me or the OP? Her saying no- and offering solutions like Hammerdad said is in no way being a jerk. Her situation is not the norm.

              And this is where I disagree. Being accommodating is different than helping.

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              • #22
                Originally posted by standing on the sidelines View Post
                I totally agree with Janus. These are extenuating circumstances. I am positive that the guy isnt getting surgery just to be able to push boundaries with his ex.

                This isnt a situation where he is trying to switch weekends every month or something like that.
                Telling the OP how the visits will work is pushing boundaries.

                Originally posted by HammerDad View Post
                The answer here should be to simply switch weekends until a later date, unless the ex is dead set on having the kids that weekend. And if that is the case, I would have simply offered to drop off the kids and they make arrangements to have extra care at the house to assist them.
                this.

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                • #23
                  I agree with posters who suggested to take a friendly approach here.

                  Comment

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