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  • Where do the gifts go?

    Hi all:

    I split up with my ex 2 years ago. Since then I've bought a new home, with bedrooms for my two kids whom I don't see nearly enough - it feels silly having these dedicated rooms when my kids will barely be spending 40 days per year in them...anyway, that's not the question.

    Using my son as an example, I've bought him countless gifts over the last couple of years - including laptop, xbox, etc. etc. I was tidying up his room today and I just noticed it's as still barren as when I first moved in. I just realized that he takes each gift "home" with him - so ... I'm stocking his bedroom at my ex's place, while his bedroom at my place stays empty.

    So my question is, is that the way it is and I should just get used to it? Or do I give my children some gifts with the proviso that they stay at my place? (and consequently sit there gathering dust - unused.)

    I can't be the only one with this issue. Somebody here has already figured this out! :-)

  • #2
    The "gifts" usually travel with the children between the homes. But some parents are known to insist that what is bought at their home stays at their home, especially if it is something that is expensive like an xbox or laptop.

    This has been going for a while (a couple of years) and you only just noticed?
    If they are taking the stuff with them, they should really be bringing it back with them, so that they are enjoying the gift in both homes.

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    • #3
      I guess I was unclear. I didn't actually "just notice." Phrasing it another way, I guess I'll say that it was never really at the forefront of my thoughts before. So while I had a little tickler of this idea for the last long while, I never really devoted any energy before to tackling the problem.

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      • #4
        So why has the barren bedroom become an issue now? What has changed to make you re-think this?

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        • #5
          Jesus, are you my ex and you've just changed your name to Nadia?!

          Why the hell are you bothering me with how I asked the question and why I asked the question? You've answered (poorly, because really - who moves an Xbox back and forth?) the bloody question. Move along!

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          • #6
            I guess the issue here mainly is, communicating with your kid.

            There are some things I buy for my daughter that travel back and forth, mainly toys etc (she is 7). But things like her DS etc, those stay at my place as I've been clear with her that there are some things I expect to stay here.

            My ex is good with sending everything back with my daughter, but there are a few things that have stayed over there, mainly minor stuff.

            The xbox and laptop is difficult. If you told your son that they were for your place and they went back to the other, you should speak to your son about it and figure out why he ignored your instructions. But overall, it is likely he is getting more enjoyment out of them there as they would collect a bit of dust at your place.

            It is a tough situation. If you buy things you want to stay at your place in future, be clear with the kids about that expectation. Otherwise, they likely didn't see the issue in bringing it to the other house.

            If you want them to be used at your place solely, send your ex an email stating next time the kids come to your place she is to ensure the xbox and laptop are packed with them, as they were meant to be enjoyed at your place......but be prepared for some slack from both the ex and the kids (especially if they've been over there for a while).

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            • #7
              We usually keep gifts at our place, and they get gifts from their mom to keep at her house. That way,it is more interesting for the kids when they come over, they will feel less as if they are missing something by coming over to your place. So, the Xbox should have stayed, in my opinion. It makes them feel more at home when they have their own stuff around.

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              • #8
                Toutou and HammerDad,

                I hear you both. Thanks for the considered responses. And I agree it's hard to spend on an Xbox and a bike never to see it again. But I'm 4 hours away and as I said earlier for the scant little time they spend at my place, it's almost just as bad to see the stuff here unused.
                Maybe for the larger items that can't move easily (xbox, bike) they can stay here, smaller items can move back and forth, and I'll just take them camping more so we don't need any of it when we're together. :-)

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                • #9
                  I agree with HammerDad and TouTou... any "big" gift items stay at the place where they received the gifts. Every once in a while they may swap households but they are expected to be returned. The one big item that often switches homes is the children's dual screen DVD player that we purchased last Christmas for them. If mom and kids are going on a trip, we send it home with the children so they have it for their trip (they go to Ottawa 2-3 times a year), but after the trip it is returned.

                  Gifts that are given from family/friends also stay in the home they were given in. We had a little problem two years ago at Christmas, as the children received a DVD set from their Aunt and Uncle on bf's side... well Mom knew what they were getting at the Aunt still kept in contact with mom (and rightfully so), mom demanded the DVD set remain at her house, as the children spend more time there. Maybe a viable argument, however bf told mom that the DVDs could stay as long as they were returned on the next access visit for the children to watch at our house. Mom stated that she would not be sending DVD back as it was unnecessary, thus the DVDs came home with us and bf stated to Mom that until the children were old enough to be responsible for their items, anything received at any house would remain in that household.

                  I also think it depends on the age of the kids. If we are talking about teenagers, there should be no reason they can't bring items back and forth. They should be responsible enough to do so.

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                  • #10
                    Apologise if you were offended. No offense was intended.

                    All I was suggesting, is given that you have let it go on for this long, why make a fuss about it now? The kid has got used to taking over the stuff to the other home and you have been ok with it. What are you going to have them do now? Bring the Xbox back to your home and insist that it stays there?

                    If you are no longer ok with them taking items over, have a conversation with child/children after any "future" purchases are made and explain that you would prefer that they not take newly purchased item with them to the other home.

                    In the end its a personal choice, and dependent on age of child, how often the kids go back and forth and how expensive the item is.

                    We've had bikes move back and forth between the two homes as well as electronic games etc. There is a mutual understanding that items will be returned. The kids are growing at warp speed. They grow out of bikes, scooters from one summer to the next.
                    Last edited by Nadia; 10-30-2012, 05:12 PM.

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                    • #11
                      The only things that D14 takes with him to Dad's are clothes and cell phone and then he returns with same. Anything that the father has purchased (Wii/a bike etc) I have never seen. S14 has a bike/skateboards etc here.

                      Dad has EOW access and (even) that is happening less frequently lately.

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                      • #12
                        My kids take their cells, ipods, laptops, clothes, longboard, books, makeup, (favorite blankie or toy, DS's when they were younger) etc back and forth.

                        If you have an issue with laptop you bought/provided for them going back and forth replace the laptop(s) with a tower(s).

                        I personally feel if you buy them an electronic gift they have every right to enjoy it at both homes. Would you expect them to leave a cell phone at their mothers with the expectation you would provide one for them while at your home?

                        Xbox's are bit more sticky, with split families we bought if for ourselves so there would be no squabbling that it belonged to any specific child. Lucky both my ex and my husbands had an xbox in there home. If you bought the xbox and presented it as a gift to both children, the understanding would be that it belongs to them to enjoy where ever they are. Same idea with games we buy for gifts are bought with the expectation they will be enjoyed in both homes. If it's a game we want to stay in the house, we buy it "for ourselves" but all are more than welcome to play it.
                        Last edited by TiredOfTheDrama; 10-30-2012, 05:39 PM. Reason: to add both x's both have xboxes

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                        • #13
                          In our case the larger gifts like xbox, wii, nintendo ds, bikes, etc stay at the home of whoever bought them.

                          Our child takes smaller toys (that can easily fit into the school backback or second carry bag and not get damaged) back and forth with each visit.

                          In the beginning our child asked to take the larger items back and forth, however they almost always forgot to bring them back. So, in the beginning the ex and I coordinated this. It didn't take long for the larger toys to start saying in the home they were purchased as we agreed it was the responsiblity of the parent whos home it was left at, to bring it to the other home (who purchased it), for the child's visit.

                          I expect many of the larger items to be this way, as our child grows. ...well at least until our child is in middle school or high school.

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                          • #14
                            Like TOTD, most of our gifts moved between houses. Gifts belong to the child. Larger gifts, or gifts I didn't particularly want moved, were designated by Santa as gifts to our house.

                            The ex and I still coordinate in Oct/Nov of each year which major gifts we are purchasing for the dd, that will be shared, to avoid duplication.
                            Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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                            • #15
                              Unfortunately, the time to insist they remain at your house has long past. And how did you not notice the bike leaving, and make the point that it was a "dad's house bike" at the time?

                              But maybe there are ways to lure the items back. Next time your son is due for a visit, remind him to pack the xbox, as you got a new game you're looking forward to playing with him. Then, just don't let it get packed up again.

                              And in future, if you're giving gifts that you intend to have stay at your house, make them for the house or for his room, and make them less portable.

                              Comment

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