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  • Do I have any recourse?

    My ex wife continually spreads lies about me to other parents and the other day my 6 year old asked me why I left mommy for the nanny.

    I left my ex two years ago because she had an affair with her boss, but tells people I had an affair with the nanny,which I didn't and we never had a nanny lol.

    Her application for sole parenting plan went no where and is now telling people and the kids her lies.

    Would it make sense for me to email her lawyer voicing my concerns about the impact on the children and ask her to refrain from such behaviour. Is this the start of parental alienation?

    Thanks

  • #2
    If it were just in the community, I'd let it go.

    But as it is impacting your child, you may want to consider your options.

    The legal route would be one way. You can keep it diplomatic, but throw in words like Slander and Parental Alientation.

    I hope you are also keeping an open dialogue with your child.

    Comment


    • #3
      If it were just in the community, I'd let it go.

      But as it is impacting your child, you may want to consider your options.

      The legal route would be one way. You can keep it diplomatic, but throw in words like Slander and Parental Alientation.

      I hope you are also keeping an open dialogue with your child.
      I would agree.

      I had a very similar situation in that my ex was running around town telling everyone and anyone that would listen a bunch of nonsense about all the guys I was with. There's no doubt my children heard of lot of it but they're older and have dealt with the situation extremely well.

      However, my children are older and never repeated any of the crap back to me. So my normal advice would be to ignore it (it does get better in time), hold your head up and move along. But in this case, since your young child is repeating it back to you, you may want to send a letter between attorneys and start documenting the comments and when they were made.

      I'd just tell you child that what mommy said isn't true and that you're sorry that she had to hear that.

      Its ridiculous, pathetic and abusive when parents engage in this type of nonsense. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it.

      Comment


      • #4
        Thanks for the comments. I wish my skin was thicker. It's bad enough getting glares from the other mothers at the school, but my kids hearing this garbage is a different story.

        I think I will email her lawyer as I am now self representing. I know nothing will come from it, but at least it will be documented.

        Thanks again

        Comment


        • #5
          Originally posted by davidm View Post
          My ex wife continually spreads lies about me to other parents and the other day my 6 year old asked me why I left mommy for the nanny.
          Prepare for a distortion campaign. An abandoned partner may try retaliating and starting a "smear" campaign or distortion campaign. This consists of making false allegations or exaggerating the negative in things that may have happened years ago. If your partner degraded previous partners, assume the worst.

          While you can't prevent this, you can do damage control. Quickly anticipate what your ex might say--think of old arguments and false accusations. Next, have short, informal chats with people who may be on the receiving end. Briefly mention they may hear things and ask them to talk to you to see if they're true.

          If you are getting divorced and your spouse is making false accusations and gathering negative allies, you need to respond at once. See Splitting for a step-by-step process on what you must do to protect yourself and your children.
          http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...nflict-partner

          Distortion Campaign: This is a term coined by Randi Kreger and Paul Mason, the authors of Stop Walking on Eggshells: When Someone You Love Has Borderline Personality Disorder (1998, New Harbinger Publications). This is a frequent occurrence for those with personality disorders, as they aggressively try to persuade others that their cognitive distortions are true. Since their distortions are usually obvious to others as extreme and unlikely, they escalate their emotions to try to persuade others that they are victims. The Targets of their distortion campaigns are often those closest to them who no longer support their cognitive distortions, which feels extremely threatening to the Blamer’s world view. These campaigns often involve spreading rumors to the Target’s extended family members, professionals (therapist, doctor, accountant, and so forth), community, and eventually to the courts.
          Definitions Related to High Conflict Personalities

          You are the target of a possibly highly conflicted person's "distortion campaign". They never go away. It is best to understand the underlying patterns of behaviour individuals whom do this and lean how to properly damage control the situation.

          Good Luck!
          Tayken

          Comment


          • #6
            My STBX , from the moment I left the marriage, spread very malicious lies about me to family (including our son), friends, organizations and business associates. He even wrote these lies in the form of notes and distributed them. He pretended to be very concerned about my "welfare". It was a horrible period. If he had his way he would have kicked me out of the matrimonial home and tried his best to have me committed to a mental institution.

            I was upset but calm throughout this period and never once did I spread lies about him. For all I know he might still be slandering and libelling me. I know he had at least one of his brothers assisting him in his evil endeavours. Now it doesn't matter what he says or writes about me. I have not given him the power to hurt me any longer.

            Comment


            • #7
              Regarding a letter STBX wrote to a crisis center and gave to our son, I decided to do Damage Control right away, and called the organization and cleared the air. I did this as soon as possible (the same night I received a copy of the letter). Do the Damage Control ASAP.

              Sound advice Tayken. I read your message after I posted mine.

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by caranna View Post
                ...I was upset but calm throughout this period and never once did I spread lies about him. For all I know he might still be slandering and libelling me. I know he had at least one of his brothers assisting him in his evil endeavours. Now it doesn't matter what he says or writes about me. I have not given him the power to hurt me any longer.
                Very wise advice that you should consider OP ("original poster") from caranna. One of the best ways to disarm a highly conflicted individual is to not allow their distortions and projections about you harm you. Silence is often the best mechanism, as caranna has demonstrated, in dealing with the conflicted patterns of behaviours from these individuals.

                Do not give the other party the power over you and your life will change. For the better. Often, these people are seeking the reward of an emotional connection with the person they are smearing - even if it is negative. They thrive on having a connection to their target of blame and when they lose control the only connection left is through a distortion campaign to elicit an emotional reaction from you.

                I would not even recommend contacting the other party's lawyer. It will only possibly feed the negative attention that the other party wants and may possibly need from you. If the matter is of serious concern then the Children's Aid Society should be involved in investigating the matter in my opinion.

                Depending on the conflicted patterns of behaviour some times confronting the situation could expose the children to more problems... Because you have admitted, in writing, that their conduct is upsetting you. In their often twisted world of "emotional reasoning"... You are demonstrating you are thinking about them... That often is enough for them to keep up the distortion campaign against you.

                Negative contact is better than no contact for highly conflicted people...

                Good Luck!
                Tayken

                Comment


                • #9
                  I didn't take any action when this happened to me...although as I stated, my children were older.

                  I had to deal with extended looks and pauses during the time...I think people expected me to say something or defend myself against the allegations. I did neither. I simply held my head up and went about my life. If I had to mention my divorce, it was in very straightforward terms ...ie. I'm getting divorced.

                  I never spoke to anyone outside my close circle about any details about my divorce...never bashed my ex...never defended myself against the silly allegations.

                  All I can tell you is that the shelf-life of interest from other people is limited. In a year, no one will care...they'll be a bunch of other people getting divorced that are far more interesting than you are. I'm sure at this point, my ex sounds like a broken record when he rants and raves about me. Meanwhile, I no longer have any negative outcome from anything he said...no one really cares. My bf and I are together and attend all outings together, most recently my kid's graduation...and he knows all my kids' friends and their parents and everyone likes him.

                  Life will eventually just move along. You'll just have to go through this tough adjustment time for you and your kids and stay on the high road.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                    All I can tell you is that the shelf-life of interest from other people is limited. In a year, no one will care...they'll be a bunch of other people getting divorced that are far more interesting than you are.
                    In addition, anyone who "believes" the "emotional reasoning" of the person engaging in a distortion campaign is not your friend, not able to think rationally and probably not worth being friends with in my personal opinion.

                    After a seperation and divorce, you will truly know who your friends are. They are the people who will be there with you at the end of all the mess. They were your friends before, will continue to be, and will not instigate or contribute to the nonsense that the other party brings.

                    In fact, having a pile of affidavits from "friends" is really a bad idea in family court. They are biased clearly and generally have NOTHING to contribute when a justice has to make a determination in accordance with Rule 24.(2).

                    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                    I'm sure at this point, my ex sounds like a broken record when he rants and raves about me. Meanwhile, I no longer have any negative outcome from anything he said...no one really cares.
                    And those who "care" are not worth the time and effort to be "friends" with.

                    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                    My bf and I are together and attend all outings together, most recently my kid's graduation...and he knows all my kids' friends and their parents and everyone likes him.
                    That is what matters. Not who will write a highly conflicted affidavit filled with hearsay to help their emotionally distraught "friend" win custody.

                    Originally posted by Pursuinghappiness View Post
                    Life will eventually just move along. You'll just have to go through this tough adjustment time for you and your kids and stay on the high road.
                    Life is about change. Embrace change and things will be better. You can't change the other person but, you have everything in your own power OP to change yourself and how their allegations effect you. Hearsay holds no weight before the court... It is unfortunate that there are people in society who don't realize this. Even lawyers...

                    Good Luck!
                    Tayken

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                      After a seperation and divorce, you will truly know who your friends are. They are the people who will be there with you at the end of all the mess. They were your friends before, will continue to be, and will not instigate or contribute to the nonsense that the other party brings.

                      In fact, having a pile of affidavits from "friends" is really a bad idea in family court. They are biased clearly and generally have NOTHING to contribute when a justice has to make a determination in accordance with Rule 24.(2).


                      I have to agree. As difficult as it may be to learn of the EX spreading rumors and such, it really has no effect other than upsetting us temporarily. When the children are affected - that's another matter entirely and MUST be dealt with ASAP.

                      My STBX is having a good ol' time complaining about all the 'horrible' things he 'feels' that I'm doing to him now. Strange that during our 27 years together, he would brag about how wonderful I was?

                      Regardless, I doubt that (the barmaid) actually cares about what he has to say lol!

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        defamation lawsuit. and i normally dont say stuff like that.
                        but if you think about it, tolerating crime only propagates and promotes crime. if you chose to ignore theft, theft will only increase. slander & libel is also crime. Honorable senator Anne Cools has done considerable amount of work in the area of false allegations in domestic cases. the fact is that the society is receptive (not just tolerant) of such malicious behavior, when is the last time in your personal knowledge that a person was told not to slander her ex? we listen to it and empathize with her.

                        false allegations are not just that, they are torture & psychological violence.
                        why is it that we are only against physical domestic violence (and 99.99% of the time put women as the poster child facing DV?) yet take no action against this psychological & mental DV? (of which most of the time male is the victim).
                        precedence need to be set, the people commiting these crimes should be brought to justice and made to pay for their crimes. in cases of domestic situations our morels should not be confined in physical limits, behaviors should be accounted for as well.
                        Last edited by sahibjee; 06-27-2013, 02:53 PM.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by sahibjee View Post
                          defamation lawsuit. and i normally dont say stuff like that.
                          but if you think about it, tolerating crime only propagates and promotes crime. if you chose to ignore theft, theft will only increase. slander & libel is also crime. Honorable senator Anne Cools has done considerable amount of work in the area of false allegations in domestic cases. the fact is that the society is receptive (not just tolerant) of such malicious behavior, when is the last time in your personal knowledge that a person was told not to slander her ex? we listen to it and empathize with her.

                          false allegations are not just that, they are torture & psychological violence.
                          why is it that we are only against physical domestic violence (and 99.99% of the time put women as the poster child facing DV?) yet take no action against this psychological & mental DV? (of which most of the time male is the victim).
                          precedence need to be set, the people commiting these crimes should be brought to justice and made to pay for their crimes. in cases of domestic situations our morels should not be confined in physical limits, behaviors should be accounted for as well.
                          Defamation lawsuit? If the charges were regarding what the OP was discussing, adultery, I don't think it would be satisfactory from either a "justice" or a financial perspective. In fact suing over it would only serve to bring the allegation to the attention of more people. And its likely your ex doesn't have enough money for full costs, so it could be very expensive even to win.

                          Domestic Violence, that would in my mind be better off pursued with criminal charges, not a lawsuit. Afterall, look at OJ Simpson, everyone remembers the acquittal in criminal court, not the guilty verdict in civil court.

                          The best result for this would to keep it out of the courts for the sake of the children. But to do that and end the slander at the same time, you may have to threaten court.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Anyone who has ever researched libel and slander knows that bringing forward anything in that area of law in Canada is a waste of time, money and energy.

                            Also, justices don't take kindly to affidavit materials threatening writs for libel and slander in them. If you want to demonstrate to the court that you fit the behaviour patterns of a high conflict person (a-la-Eddy's definition) just threaten the other party with a libel and slander lawsuit...

                            Good Luck!
                            Tayken

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                              Life is about change. Embrace change and things will be better. You can't change the other person but, you have everything in your own power OP to change yourself and how their allegations effect you. Hearsay holds no weight before the court... It is unfortunate that there are people in society who don't realize this. Even lawyers...
                              Although I generally agree with everything Tayken said in this thread, I do want to point out that how one personally deals with distortion campaigns and how the allegations may affect you emotionally is only a small part of the problems they can cause.

                              Just because hearsay, emotional reasoning, distortion campaigns and false allegations hold little weight IN COURT won't stop them from ruining your life outside of court.

                              A persuasive ex can still destroy your life by having your children taken away by CAS without a shred of evidence, one can still be arrested and possibly charged, subjected to humiliating police interrogations, lie detector tests, and so on.

                              Practicing the art of silence, thinking of calm blue oceans, and not rising to the other person isn't always enough... There's a whole billion dollar industry out there waiting to jump in and make some money off any innocent victim.

                              Comment

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