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  • Can I do this?

    See my thread "my ex wants to open separation agreement for background info,
    but basically we have been separated a year with a mediated separation agreement and she is now contesting. Outside of the agreement I have been paying for a bill for on an appliance in her position and her cell phone bill (was part of a family plan with a 3 year contract with provider).

    1) can I remove her from the cell phone plan?
    2) can I stop making this appliance payment?
    3) can I close a joint account that is still open? She has kept it open because she hasnt notified govt to redirect child tax payment from govt.

    thanks

  • #2
    if it wasnt in the agreement, you can do the things you want to do. I would be fair and give her a heads up though

    Comment


    • #3
      If it was not in the separation agreement, yes you can but I would give 2 weeks warning about your intention.

      1) She can get her own cell phone plan;
      2) She can take over the appliance payments or give you back the appliance . The only caveat here is that if it is in your name, you may not be able to stop payments as this will go on your credit;
      3) Arrange the closure to a set date with the bank, she has plenty of time to move the Child tax payment within 2 weeks. Failing to move it, she will receive the cheque automatically via regular mail so there is no harm here.

      Good luck!

      Comment


      • #4
        David, I think she is an ass, and I think she will fail miserably with any attempt to reopen the agreement.

        That said, if you do these things, you are antagonizing her. You are not engaging in conflict resolution, you are engaging in conflict escalation.

        If it were just money at stake, I would say to do whatever the hell you want. But your children are involved here, as well as your custody level, and you are not doing yourself any favours by unilaterally changing the existing situation.

        The bills you are paying are part of your mediated agreement. If you want to alter that agreement, then do it by the steps which are written into your agreement. That is, request mediation. If she turns you down, take her to court. This will hurt the kids, but at least play by the rules.

        Whatever you think of her, you can't justify breaking the agreement just because she is threatening to.

        In another thread, you said that her lawyer alluded that you had not achieved your 50/50 for the past year? If there is any truth to this, the last thing you want to do is put a stick into a hornets' nest. Concentrate on your kids and ignore your ex.

        As I wrote to you in the other thread, your spousal support payments are on the low side, but the bills you agreed to pay put you right in the middle. To unilaterally stop paying the bills, with or without notice, changes the deal. You will be the one reneging.

        If you want it to change, take her to court yourself and get the support order, particularly child support, updated. This should be done yearly anyway based on current income. But you are under the same rules as the rest of us. You have a signed agreement, a contract. Abide by it until it is changed.

        Comment


        • #5
          Ok thanks Mess,

          I wanted to make sure I didnt do anything rash, I was just looking to separate our lives completely.
          I will hold tight for now and wait, just thought because these things are outside the agreement that I would be ok, but I will wait.

          Thank you I'll wait till the dust settles.

          Also I have calculated the amount of time with kids and I have never had them less then 45% of the nights usually 55% so I have no idea what they are talking about.

          Comment


          • #6
            Mess has good advice. You have to resist the "knee jerk" reaction even when she totally gets under your skin. I'd keep an account book and write all of the expenses in there and make a separate column for unnecessary expenses (cell phone or whatever). Might come in handy someday down the road.

            What I'm saying is find a productive project to get into. What about starting a nice photo album for the kids? You can pick up a pretty decent little photo album at Walmart for 15.00. Even though we live in a digital era it's still nice to have an album to leaf through from time to time. The kids could get involved in deciding which pictures to put in it.

            Comment


            • #7
              Great idea thank you.

              Just to clarify one thing Mess said....these bills I am paying and the account that is open is NOT part of the mediated separation agreement. They were things I was paying to be nice.
              Regardless I will leave as is. She is now refusing to come up with a shared parenting plan for next month around my work schedule as stated in our agreement.
              She just sent a list of dates where I can have the kids. I emailed back stating my preferences but have not received a reply.
              This is a clear violation of our agreement and her lawyer says they dont believe the agreement is enforceable and dont need to abide by it because they dont like it.

              Comment


              • #8
                I would ordinarily strongly advise closing any joint accounts and getting disentangled in terms of bills and things like insurance or payments.

                Again, I do think you want to avoid stirring the hornet's nest at this time.

                You may want to approach it thus: Roll the payments for the cell/appliance into the spousal support. This in turn gives you the tax deduction for the payments. As I pointed out, it would put your spousal support payments at almost exactly the mean (middle of upper and lower.)

                However I don't want to just tell you to pay more spousal support. Why did you take on these payments in the first place if it wasn't the mediated settlement?

                The situation with the CCTB needs to be resolved. Be clear with us, what is your regular schedule with the kids, and why is her lawyer suggesting you haven't achieved 50/50? You should ordinarily be collecting your share of the CCTB, and she should be collecting only half of what she now receives.

                You should either be collecting, or you should get acknowledgement from her that you are doing her a huge favour by not applying for CCTB. She shouldn't have it both ways, collecting the full amount and at the same time attacking you.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Hi Mess,

                  I honestly have no idea what her lawyer is refering to in reference to time with kids. My regular work schedule is 12 days per month (in the transportation industry lots of time off). This month for example I have the children 17 nights, plus on days that aren't mine I pick them up from school and keep the youngest with me during the day. There was one month where I had them for only 14 nights, but I was out of town and offered her first refussal rather then have my dad come down and keep them on my time. I made sure it was documented in emails that I had arranged care but was giving her the option of first refusal.She later came back on me saying I should have paid her extra for the extra food bill she incurred by having them more nights (i think she was mad I was away with friends on a 4 night vacation). They never asked for me to spend more time they just didnt want offset tabled amounts (all about the $ w her).

                  In regards to CCTB I didn't claim it because it gave her an extra $500 per month and I qualify for $68. That payment insures that our net incomes are equal. With the extra bills I pay she nets more then I do. I thought ss was there to make sure net incomes match but maybe they dont need to exactly. Especially given the fact I over pay CS by $150.

                  On a positive note I heard back from lawyer today. Even though I co signed on her residence I also am listed on title (was worried I wasn't). So worst case I am legally entitled to force the sale of the property if she decides to default to get back at me.

                  In an effort to bridge the peace I asked her if she would like the kids for a few hours tomorrow on her day off to take them to the park or out for ice cream. Hopefully that gesture will be received in a positive way.

                  Thanks.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    There are two sides to this. One side is the legal side, and the other is interpersonal conflict.

                    I would strongly recommend that you don't start offering anything extra as any kind of gesture, at least for the moment. I say this from experience, research, counselling, and education. When someone is being agressive, you are contributing to the situation if you bend over backward to please them. You are validating their behaviour, their communication style, and their actions and threats against you.

                    You are fine with your schedule with the kids. Shared parenting kicks in at 40%, generally calculated by overnights, which means a minimum 12 nights a month. As long as you are over that on a consistant basis, they have nothing to go to court with.

                    On top of that you do yourself a lot of good, as well as doing the kids a lot of good, by picking them up at school regularly, knowing the teachers, taking them to the doctor or dentist (alternately with your ex ideally,) taking them to sports activities or things like piano lessons. Know the professionals in your children's life and make sure they know you. Don't discuss this unnecessarily with your ex, you don't need permission and you don't need to file an itinerary with her about your parenting. Just be a parent and be in a position to show it.

                    I'm sure you do all of these things already, but because your ex is becoming agressive, be sure you can document it all, keep it all on a calendar, and keep in touch with teachers, coaches, and doctors. Don't broadcast this to your ex. Really don't under any circumstances put these things "on the table" or use them in any kind verbal argument. All you would be doing is to set yourself up for her to start trying to block you out. Just keep it to yourself, take care of your children, and keep it documented.

                    The CRA rules are that you two split the CCTB, no matter if you collect less. You are able to maintain the current situation by keeping it under the table. There is no penalty, but you are breaking the rules. In terms of Family Law, the courts do not control the CRA and the CRA do not control the family court, but if she decides to challenge custody, the first thing she will hold up is that the CRA recognizes her as the full custody parent. If things are amicable then you might argue for keeping things as they are, but if she is being agressive and taking you to court, then I would strongly recommend that you update the CRA on your actual custody situation.

                    While you note that she would receive more than you in CCTB, you should realize that the tax deductions you are giving up (you can't claim most or any of them if you are not at least 40% physical custody) are costing you thousands. You should be claiming the dependent deduction, really every year since it carries more weight at your income level. You should be claiming half of child care fees. You should be claiming the sports deduction if you are covering any fees.

                    I hope you know that her claim that you should pay for the extra food is asinine. I hope you have that in an email, it is exactly the sort of thing you should include in an affidavit to show that she does not have best interests of the children in mind with all of her demands.

                    You are grossly overpaying her as it is. Realize that this means that she is a dead-beat parent, she is not paying her share of child support (which should be set off against your payments.) The children do not have the amount of money they should have available when they are with you. She is receiving more than she is entitled to when the kids are with her, and she is hardly spending the money on them, given her attitude about the "extra food."

                    If you want to fight her, do it in court, you have plenty of ammunition. If you don't want to fight, then ignore her. But don't bend over and offer her extra. You aren't helping the children by doing that, you are hurting them, you are denying them the resources they should have when they are with you.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Thank you thank you thank you. Great advice. I sometimes forget that I am in a battle and get too sentimental. You are so right about her patterns. She is like a spoiled child and I always give her a lolipop to quiet her.She guilts me with the money already and once the CCTB is reduced I will net more each month so was concerned about that, but like you said perhaps I can offer more sS and get the deduction anyways to settle.
                      I should also note that I also cover all benefits (medical,dental,etc) so once divorce is final I will have to remove her.Will her lawyer try and get me to pay for private coverage or should I say am I required to continue benefits? Our agreement says benefits stop with divorce.

                      I will be meeting with lawyer this week to see next course of action.

                      thanks again. Think it will be less volitile coming from lawyer.

                      Comment

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