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country girl · #1 11-03-2007, 01:00 PM

My ex just served me with divorce papers an hour ago and I have no clue what to do next. It's not what I want but know I can't change his mind. We've been separated for a year and have an 11 month old. As it is I haven't gotten support for 4 months and am doing it on my own anyways.
Can anyone point me in the right direction of what to do next?

An overwhelmed,
Countrygirl

McBroke · #2 11-03-2007, 03:36 PM

Country Girl,

I was just served with mine not too long ago, (last week in fact). Please don't be overwhelmed. Take a deep breath. To better help you, maybe you could provide information from the papers. Is it a simple/joint divorce application (upper right hand corner form 8a), is there a reason stated, and any claims boxes checked off on page 4. (if you are from Ontario).Half way down on page 4
is your ex seeking a divorce box 00 or costs box 30. And last but not least, important facts supporting the claim for divorce. Was there an endorsements folder sent as well?

More people will be able to let you know what to expect with these details, please don't worry. What date is provided on the lawyer's signature and the clerks signature, country girl? Remember as in any relationship it take's two to make it work and one to end it. Devote your energy to yourself and your child first. If you are in Ontario, and close to the Hamilton area please check out the bookmark I gave to About Time for Divorced dads. It is not specifically for dads, the group may benefit you as well, at the very least it will give you a forum to practice your legalese and your public speaking. But for now, be happy for your health and your little one and provide the answers if you can to some of my questions. We cannot provide legal advice but in this forum I think everyone wants to see justice and fairness prevail so that we can get on with our lives . We may be able to guide you to resources or provide an objective viewpoint that may assist you.

Good luck and take it easy,
Mcbroke

country girl · #3 11-03-2007, 06:46 PM

Mcbroke,

It is an 8A Application. Simple (divorce only) checked off on page 1. Page 4 has 00 checked and separation--not lived together...Nothing else was sent other than my copy of the 8A with Nov 2 beside the signatures.

The divorce isn't really bothering (yes it hurts) but I'm more worried about our son. When employed the ex follows the child support guidelines and adjusts his payments accordingly on his own but he's been unemployed the last 4 months and hasn't even offered to take our son more. I guess I just want everything written out so I know what is going on but the ex says don't worry about it because we don't need anything. Everyone is telling me to get a lawyer for our son's sake but I'm worried about being a witch and making a mess of things or getting walked all over.

I'm so confused.

sufferer · #4 11-03-2007, 09:36 PM

Hi Country Girl

In order to get the right advise you need to disclose more information like length of marriage,your role at the time of marriage etc Just because you want to hire a lawyer won't make you a witch.Yu should get what you are entitiled to.
Have courage and Good luck.Eventualy everything will fal in place

Sufferer

country girl · #5 11-04-2007, 12:17 AM

We were together 10 years and married the last 6 1/2 years. During our marriage I had a lot of medical problems then last year had the pregnancy from hell (sick the entire time) and was hospitalized. That was when the ex told me it was over and at 8 months pregnant they wouldn't release me because I was considered homeless. Needless to say after a month I found a place to live and had to pack. Basically I got to keep my bedroom suite from high school and lost everything else to him....he even gave away the pets (I was an animal trainer) and the silver that my grandmother gave me.

I know I got screwed over big time and accept it but that's why I'm really scared for my son's sake. I just want the ex to be held accountable for his actions.

McBroke · #6 11-04-2007, 04:36 PM

Country Girl,

I assume that you don't own any property and that you are at a lower range of the income scale. I would suggest that you make an appointment or at least visit the Family Law Information CLinic. You may be entitled to legal aid, especially with you having defacto custody of your child. Sit back take a depp breath and write or type up the facts of the relationship so that you don't waste time in your legal visit. Important facts would be :

Date of original cohabitation
Date of Marriage
Date of his departure (valuation date)
His tax returns or at least approx income through the relationship by year
and yours for each of the years you cohabitated.
His and your level of education
Your role in the relationship
Your health situation
His present status (is he coahbitating with another partner etc...)
On a separate page.
Your assets and debts on the date of marriage, and the same values for the date of his departure (ie what you were left with). And the same for him, if you don't know the value write a description or a picture.
Also Country Girl any monies that he has given to you in cash for the child, this excludes presents (birthday/christmas) by date.

This is necessary for a lawyer to evaluate the case. I find it intriguing that he had enough money to hire a lawyer and pay for service but has not provided any money for the child.
I would suggest that you attend a Divorced Dads meeting, not all who attend are dads. This group is to help support fairness in the justice system, not just Dads. You are a parent and you need support. Everyone here believes in fairness Country Girl. Support for the child is not your choice, it is in the best interest of the child. Keep us posted and I'm sure everyone will help as best they can.
In my opinion I would at least have a lawyer in my corner for legal advice. But start right now with any information or facts that you can provide to make sure the lawyer is well informed. Tell him what you need and what the child needs. That tells the lawyer what you are seeking and armed with this he can best determine your path.

Take care for now and start working,
Mcbroke

country girl · #7 11-04-2007, 08:47 PM

This will make things really easy...I found out he did the divorce through FLIC. We both made $30K. Financially I was the horder and he was the spender so I was in charge of the finances but he spent faster than you could print currency so we declared bankruptcy last year and have been discharged.

I kept records of when he visited and took our son for overnights. I also gave him receipts for the child support he did give me. Now he is living on his own and a full time student while I'm back to work full time. I don't care about the past and the materialistic items...I don't have room for it anyways and there is no way he could come up with $20K for my share. I'm OK with the fact that I was the "sugar momma" during the marriage. I'm not any more and fighting over plates, movies, furniture is a battle I choose not to fight because I'm above it and right now he's worse off than I am. Besides you can't get blood from a stone. If it got pushed things would get nasty and right now we are civil so why ruin it?

I am wondering if I should do some sort of parenting plan? How anal should I get? I want to be firm and stand my gound but I don't want to take advantage of him or have him take advantage of me. I would rather have everything written out so we are both clear and know what each other is responsible for.

I've been attending a single mom's group in London (Single Women In Training) for the past 8 months and they've really helped me through this whole thing. We are now working with Life Coaches to get out of our rut and back on track.

Today I feel much better and the shock is gone. Now to get down to business...
Country Girl

FL_Needs_To_Change · #8 11-05-2007, 09:49 AM

It makes perfect sense to not want to make this worse, and being able to say that things are civil is a huge hurdle that many cannot brag.

Personally, since things are civil, and you know that at this point he is not doing as well as he can financially, and is in school.
Why not set up a temporary agreement for the duration that he is in school and not earning income, within reason of course, since he could be a jerk and maintain some courses to side step any obligation.

You could have it sworn to be legally binding should he become fully financially employed and not willing to begin his support obligation.
I would set it up so that it clearly outlines his visitation taking into account his schedule for assignments and exams etc. I personally have experience with returning to University as a mom, and know how stressful the time frames for school can be when trying to raise a child. So it may seem like he is intentionally reducing his visitation, but maybe it's because he's swamped with school? I'm not making excuses for him only drawing on my experiences.

Also include the remaining outstanding issues with property, and child support.
If he is drawing unemployment, have support according to that and suggest going through FRO so the payments will be automatically deducted from his income before he receives it so he won’t have to deal with remembering the dates to send payment, and he could budget with the remaining balance that he actually receives.
There may also be income from bursaries etc, which is non-taxable in his hands but could help him at least contribute to the child’s costs, every little bit helps when you are struggling with a toddler.

Just my 2 cents.

FL

littleman · #9 11-05-2007, 09:14 PM

sorry to read about your situation.......been there done that......if you are not lookin for financial settlement then what good would a lawyer do....other than you putting the braces on his kids teeth......I went through same thing without a lawyer and came out good......if its simple divorce then go ahead with what you have mutually decided......as far as your son goes....first congrats on his birth and getting well to take of him......

......if your ex has stopped seeing your child then defacto custody becomes a factor....even if he still sees your son.....you still have defacto custody....weekends do not count when defacto custody is brought up.......if you dont want financial input from your ex unfortunately that is not your call.......a judge will order it.....the support is for your son......his birth right you could say.....whether he pays now or when he is employed full time is irregardless.....its back dated.......keep all your records of payments he has given you....weekends he took your son and anything he sends you via email or that is talked about try to write everything down....it will come in handy if needed later......paper trails in this instance are a God send......if you look back on my posts from about a years to a year and a half ago you will see that I was in similar situation and the best advice I got through it all was from here......not from an hourly lawyer nor from family.......just here.....alot of people with experience and knowledge......ultimately in the end its what you feel you is right for yours and your childs future.......good luck and keep us posted

country girl · #10 12-31-2007, 09:44 PM

Well things have calmed down and are going well. The ex has moved in with HER. I got support for Nov and the ex saw our son for a total of 8 hours during Nov. I did send him a parenting plan Nov 10th. It was read and he mentioned about changing some wording but that has been it.

For Dec no money or visitation but an e-card was sent for our 1 year old! HA HA! If I don't get support for Jan I would like to start taking some action. Is getting a lawyer the only way now that he hasn't followed through with our agreements? What sort of lawyer should I get? I know there are many types. Would a paralegal do?

Country Girl

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