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  • #16


    G - this one's not yer ex-wife...

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    • #17
      Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
      I agree, there is a pattern developing. However the kids aren't consciously aware of it, that's what councilling is for. I saw where you said you asked for councilling and he didn't agree. I guess if you've resigned yourself to it then this is just the way things will be from now on.

      And really, why the hell can't I figure out how to spell councelling?
      Originally posted by Gary M View Post
      ... and I gave you the help that *I think* you need: Stop your whining about what a Bad Man the kids' father is and figure out why the kids want to live with him instead of you.

      Look, lady, if he's the abusive asshole you say he is and you are the Mother Theresa you make yourself out to be, there's no way in hell the kids would be doing what they're doing. No way. None. Zip. Nada. Zilch.

      I smell bullshit.

      How's THAT for a judgement?

      Gary

      P.S. I read the whole thing despite the title, which instantly pissed me off: "Help- My child wants to live with Dad" OMFG: Call out the military! And the police and coast guard! Oh, and CAS too! (oh, wait, forget that: CAS is busy knocking on YOUR door for some reason...) DEFCON 5, people: A kid wants to live with his/her Dad! How do I prevent this?
      Very Mature Response. Please do not respond to my post further.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
        G - this one's not yer ex-wife...
        You're right - thanks Blink.

        Apologies, Susie, and also to anyone else who had cause to raise an eyebrow over my tirade.

        Gary

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Gary M View Post
          You're right - thanks Blink.

          Apologies, Susie, and also to anyone else who had cause to raise an eyebrow over my tirade.

          Gary
          I really did not need this. I am upset enough and to be honest, if I had the answers to what or how this happened, I would not be seeking help for both myself and my daughter. I am not Mother Theresa. I am simply a Mom who has done her best to try to make joint custody work. If that means I lose contact with my children, then I guess I will pay the price for any errors I have made in my life.

          Comment


          • #20
            Originally posted by susiecanoe View Post
            Like I said, it is a complex situation and it is impossible to tell the whole story in a short forum.
            You've written several thousand words and practically told us your life story and yet you are holding back on the parts of the situation that actually make a difference to the situation?

            Your description is that you do everything right and good for your children and your ex is abusive and yet the children prefer to be with him. That is a very extreme interpretation that gets hard to believe after a while.

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            • #21
              Help getting her counselling

              Ok, so forget all the history about who is right, who is wrong. My error, should not have put the title - Help, My daughter want to go live with Dad. I should have put " help - how do I get an order in place before she goes to live with Dad that insists she and I attend for counselling. It does not matter what the background is, what matters is that I am supporting her desire to live with Dad but I want to make sure we get counselling so further alienation does not occur. In the past, my ex has never followed court orders so would I be wise to let her go without an agreement in place for counselling or wait til I get the order stating we can attend for counselling without his consent.

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              • #22
                Not really. But then again unless you have lived it, it would sound unbelievable. If I were her and I was afraid that if I didn't go live there, I would be shunned or abondoned ( which is what she witnessed when my oldest requested he live with me) then it may be more safe to live there. She knows that if she lives with me, I won't nor do I ever prevent her having a relationship with Dad. But if she doesn't go live there, she may fear she will be rejected by Dad for not wanting to be there. All of this is a "maybe" If I knew the answers, I would not be insisting on counselling would I?

                Comment


                • #23
                  Can I give you another angle?

                  I know that I do not know all the nuances - and I know there are millions and millions - that are at play between all the parties involved - but.....

                  My parents separated when I was 10 and my brother was 12. By the time my brother got to be 15 he had turned into a really bad student, didn't have a lot of friends, was bored, watched 24/7 TV, etc etc. He basically was failing out of school and hated his life.

                  Now, none of this was anyone's faulth but his own ... but he decided that he would run away from it all and go live at Dad's house and everything would be better. I haven't a clue, but somehow he thought the grass was greener on the other side .... how often is that actually true?

                  Suffice it to say, he failed out of those schools too, and eventually returned back to live with me and Mom and finally graduated high school and is now happily married with a beautiful wife and children. And he has a wonderful relationship with both his parents.

                  So the moral of the story is ... maybe it really has nothing to do with you, but with the child, their perception of their lives, their perceptions of their options ...

                  Sometimes you just have to say - OK - go for it .... always be there to support and help if they ask.

                  I think that your anger fuels their decisions as well. It just reconfirms that they want to be in a different place. Trust me - no one wants to live with someone who is angry all the time.

                  Maybe you should go and talk to someone about it. Just by yourself. Cause I think you are going to have to find a way to live with it yourself, no one is going to solve your problems for you - especially the courts since your kids are the age they are.

                  Comment


                  • #24
                    Thanks, that does make sense. I know the grass may appaer much greener on the other side. Her brother is there, her step brother is there. It It has been rather lonely here since her brother left. At one point, there were 6 kids in the house, then the three oldest went off to university and then her brother left. Leaves two at home, and then 1 years ago her oldest brother goes off to university. But she has a very close group of friends and friends seem to mean everything to a 12 year old. She will be moving an hour away in the middle of the school year, will lose contact with her friends here and have to change schools. So she will experience loss here. My concern is not so much what I have done wrong as a Mom ( although it is hard not to fall into the trap of berating myself for every little thing I may have done wrong), it is more about how to stay in contact with her when she does move and to ensure i have an agreement in place before she goes. She is in the middle of orthondontic work - will that continue? etc. etc.

                    Just so you know, I willingly allowed my middle son to go live with Dad and even though the order said every other weekend access and summer holidays, he has never spent a holiday with me not even Christmas. I have not heard or seen from him now in over a year. Ok, so for whatever reason that I am unaware of, that is what he is choosing and my request for counselling together has fallen on deaf ears. But what makes this heart breaking, is that although our court order also states both parents will keep each other well advised in writing of the children's well being, doctor, dentist, school records and activities, even when I ask Dad numerous times to advise me how he is doing, he ignores my requests. My son's step mom posts comments on his facebook like " Hey N, how does it feel to be stalked by your Mother" when all I have done is said " Hi, how you doing, hope you had fun at Canada's Wondersland" or " Hope to see you soon, we all miss you". That is just not right. So, that is what I am trying to prevent from happening again. And I think intuitively, I would be best to get an agreement in writing before she leaves.

                    As for being angry, I am hurt, not angry. I am doing my best to try to just get on with our daily life so that the little time we have left together with her living here is positive, but she is pretty angry with me that in her mind " she is stuck here" and I won't let her go. I have already sent Dad off three letters requesting we see a mediator to draw up an agreement and not waste time in court or drag the process on, he is refusing. So what to do?......

                    ntn
                    Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                    Can I give you another angle?

                    I know that I do not know all the nuances - and I know there are millions and millions - that are at play between all the parties involved - but.....

                    My parents separated when I was 10 and my brother was 12. By the time my brother got to be 15 he had turned into a really bad student, didn't have a lot of friends, was bored, watched 24/7 TV, etc etc. He basically was failing out of school and hated his life.

                    Now, none of this was anyone's faulth but his own ... but he decided that he would run away from it all and go live at Dad's house and everything would be better. I haven't a clue, but somehow he thought the grass was greener on the other side .... how often is that actually true?

                    Suffice it to say, he failed out of those schools too, and eventually returned back to live with me and Mom and finally graduated high school and is now happily married with a beautiful wife and children. And he has a wonderful relationship with both his parents.

                    So the moral of the story is ... maybe it really has nothing to do with you, but with the child, their perception of their lives, their perceptions of their options ...

                    Sometimes you just have to say - OK - go for it .... always be there to support and help if they ask.

                    I think that your anger fuels their decisions as well. It just reconfirms that they want to be in a different place. Trust me - no one wants to live with someone who is angry all the time.

                    Maybe you should go and talk to someone about it. Just by yourself. Cause I think you are going to have to find a way to live with it yourself, no one is going to solve your problems for you - especially the courts since your kids are the age they are.

                    Comment


                    • #25
                      The stepmother actually posted that on his facebook? "How does it feel to be stalked by your mother"?
                      IMHO, that says a ton right there. Shame on her. She is using the kids to fulfill herself and her petty insecurities.
                      I loathe that in a person.
                      Kids can be very self serving little creatures. I don't blame you for being afraid to let another child go and live with Dad, as you don't know if you will ever see him/her again.
                      Maybe his house is more what the kids are looking for. And as much as that sucks for you, you have to accept that.
                      However, they should still be encouraged to have visits and a relationship with you , and that clearly is not the case.

                      Comment


                      • #26
                        Yep, she posts things like that and more. Comments posted on her own public wall such as " well since this is readable by some undesirables ( meaning me) "she" ( meaning my daughter) must feel like she is in prison). Then I wonder why my daughter who can view her posts, is saying things to me like she feel she is in prison because I am not prepared to let her move until her Dad and I meet to work out the details.
                        Actually, when I look back over the years, the signs have been there all along that the step mother is the one behind the vendetta. My own son now lists her as Mother on facebook and has blocked me and deleted me. So yeah, why would I not be afraid? Sure kids grow up and then they may see how the other home made me out to be the bad person, but in the meantime, I won't be allowed to attend any events, functions or invited to things like grade 8 graduation, parent teacher interviews etc. The point is that I don't have many options. I have to let her go, but all I am trying to do is put some safeguards in place. The problem is that even with the safeguards in place in a court order, they are hard to enforce. Dad and step mom won't cooperate in encouraging the kids to visit or call. My phone is blocked from their home, they screen all my calls, they intercept and read my letters and or emails to the kids. Basically, I have no opportunity to have a relationship with my children that is my own. So yes, I am afraid, hurt, sad and confused. Hence my reason for insisting I be able to get counselling with my daughter that is ongoing. It's really all I have left to do.

                        And sorry to all the other posts who seem to think that I am trying to make myself out to be some Mother Theresa. I am not perfect, In fact, far from it. But one thing I know for sure is taht I have always and will continue to do so, support and encourage that my children have a relationship with both parents. It's what is right, it is where I stand firm. It does not matter to me whether Dad and stepmom are not nice people, my children are going to love them anyway. I just want the same opportunity to be have a relationship in return without restrictions or negative comments about me that my children can read.


                        s n
                        Originally posted by CISTEAD View Post
                        The stepmother actually posted that on his facebook? "How does it feel to be stalked by your mother"?
                        IMHO, that says a ton right there. Shame on her. She is using the kids to fulfill herself and her petty insecurities.
                        I loathe that in a person.
                        Kids can be very self serving little creatures. I don't blame you for being afraid to let another child go and live with Dad, as you don't know if you will ever see him/her again.
                        Maybe his house is more what the kids are looking for. And as much as that sucks for you, you have to accept that.
                        However, they should still be encouraged to have visits and a relationship with you , and that clearly is not the case.

                        Comment


                        • #27
                          I truly am sorry for your situation.

                          I can't tell you how much I wish I had answers. And telling you "chin up, it will only get better" is utter bullshit.

                          I guess I can tell you though that it makes me feel grateful that I only have deal with what I have - and not what you have. So, thanks for that? piddly ass though it is - sorry.

                          Comment


                          • #28
                            Thanks. I have to say that this has not been the most joyful experience of my life. I am tired, I am worn out. Somehow, I will get through this too. Right now, I am just trying to figure out what to do that won't hurt me further and won't alienate my kids further. Argh...


                            Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                            I truly am sorry for your situation.

                            I can't tell you how much I wish I had answers. And telling you "chin up, it will only get better" is utter bullshit.

                            I guess I can tell you though that it makes me feel grateful that I only have deal with what I have - and not what you have. So, thanks for that? piddly ass though it is - sorry.

                            Comment


                            • #29
                              Hey - have you tried asking one of your 3 (or 4) older kids what the heck is going on? Maybe they can help, or at least have a better line of communciation to the two youngest?

                              Comment


                              • #30
                                The three oldest are my husband's children and all are out of the house - long gone and don't want to get involved. My husband was able to successfully share week about with them for all the years we have been together. My oldest son is estranged from Dad's house. They will not allow him to attend or visit ( basically because he saw what was going on when he was younger and spoke out against them denigrating his mother). So, he too does not want to get involved. He has enough abandonment issues of his own he is dealing with in counselling. The one good thing is that he got counselling without the consent of either parent because at 16 under the Health Care Act, he has a right to choose to attend counseling with complete confidentiality. He did not need my persmission or his Dads. ( Although, if you can believe this, the judge slapped my hand the last time in court for not advising Dad). So his response to all this is "Mom, you are a great Mom, you have done nothing wrong and I am sorry you have to go through this. It is brainwashing plain and simple and it is disgusting". But he does not want to estrange himself with his relationship with his brother and sister. Sucks to be in the middle.



                                Originally posted by KeepSmiling View Post
                                Hey - have you tried asking one of your 3 (or 4) older kids what the heck is going on? Maybe they can help, or at least have a better line of communciation to the two youngest?

                                Comment

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