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  • #16
    The kids will figure out by themselves. I won't have to tell them ...
    Well, how do you suggest I tell the child that s/he can't go because the access can't be rearranged in a way that doesn't implicate the other parent?

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    • #17
      Originally posted by Epona View Post
      The kids will figure out by themselves. I won't have to tell them ...
      Well, how do you suggest I tell the child that s/he can't go because the access can't be rearranged in a way that doesn't implicate the other parent?
      They will figure it out. Just tell him it can't happen, you don't need to give a reason.

      I used to be in a similar situation, our dd rides/jumps, and does it well. She's been riding since she was 6 (on my time, at my cost.. I live at the barn). Ex hasn't been to a show EVER. I think he's been at the barn twice in 10 years. She competes at about 15 shows a year, and has qualified and competed at the Royal Winter Fair. One would think that your child competing at the Royal would be worthy of attendance.. but I guess not.

      I just tell her it is what it is, and it can't happen. I don't give a reason why, or even suggest that it is a failure on his part, and I don't criticize him. It's just not happening - sort of like when she asks me if she can go out on a Tuesday night with friends, and I say no. Why not? Because I said so. It is what it is.

      She has learned to understand the dynamics, without a word from me. I could tell she was disappointed many times (especially at the Royal when she wanted him there). Now, at the age of 16, she plans her access schedule around her barn/showing time, and simply tells him she won't be there that weekend, weeknight, etc., because she needs to be at the barn.

      He has, effectively, increased my parenting time by his unwillingness to be involved in an extracurricular activity that she has chosen and devoted herself to for the last 10 years. His loss. She's a great kid.

      eta; I should add, she still wants to spend time with him and be there, but she tempers it now with her own wishes. She's growing up.
      Last edited by mcdreamy; 12-09-2011, 08:37 PM.
      Start a discussion, not a fire. Post with kindness.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Epona View Post
        Their Dad made it clear in the >25 e-mails, that he will NOT take them to Cubs/Scouts as it "...interferes with his access..." and he has no interest in volunteering.
        That is so sad to read. It really is a shame.

        1. It does not "interfere with his access" and only enhances it.

        2. Do not tell the children they can't attend scouts because of Dad. Just ask them to talk to their Dad about it.

        3. I hope your kids get to attend scouts/cubs. It is a wonderful organization and it is sad that the other parent doesn't want to share in this experience.

        PS: The other parent, had gotten good advice from counsel would have been told to JUMP on the opportunity. It is an open door to expanding access. Scouts and cubs do weekend trips, they may happen on your weekends. The other parent could have used this as an opportunity to request additional time as they would have been involved with the organization and helping.

        Hopefully, your children get to attend scouts. You may want to leverage the "PS" in some way to opening the door, after time involved with the organization, as a good selling point to the other parent and demonstrate your willingness to expand your children's access?

        Good Luck!
        Tayken

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        • #19
          Originally posted by Rioe View Post
          Tell him something like:

          Son has told me he's very interested in joining Cubs, as his friends have been talking about how much fun it is. Unfortunately, it's on Blankday evenings, 6pm to 7pm. Would you be interested in taking him yourself? Alternately, we could switch one of our weeknights so I can take him, or I can drop him off late to you that night, whatever works best for you. Let me know what you think!
          Originally posted by blinkandimgone View Post
          I would skip the 'unfortunately', makes it sound negative when it isn't. Scouts are always looking for leaders and parent helpers so a great opportunity for either parent to get involved. They usually also let other siblings tag along if/when necessary.

          Or the kidlet could bring it up with Dad himself and dad can see how excited he is about it.

          what they said.

          OOps.. nevermind - i see the ball has been dropped by dad. jerk!
          lol
          Last edited by wretchedotis; 12-10-2011, 02:52 PM.

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          • #20
            Well..., this seems to work, for this month anyway :
            "Dear Ex,
            [Child's name] is/are a Cub(s)/Scout(s) and enjoys the [weekday with access] evening meetings very much. S/he would like to continue attending the [weekday with access] meetings.
            If you want to take [Child's name] to Cubs on [weekday evenings with access] from [time it starts] PM to [time it ends] PM at [location of meetings], I'm okay with that. If you are not interested in taking [child's name] to the meetings on [weekday with access], are you willing to exchange the [weekday evening access] to [the day before] or [the day after]?
            If you wish to change [weekday] evening access, then:
            [date of scheduled weekday access] would become [the day before] or [the day after]
            and
            (it's repeated for all the weeks for that month -- as required by ex)
            Please advise me as to your thoughts."
            So far, it seems to work for ex with minimal fussing.
            Last edited by Epona; 12-12-2011, 02:56 PM.

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            • #21
              Why don't you just ask dad to take them? I would hope that you don't have any ulterior motives for the change in access. I hate to say it but I'm a little suspicious as to why you are prevented from bringing any further court actions against your ex without leave of the court. When that happens it's usually because the court has found you to have brought numerous frivolous, unsubstatiated motions.

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              • #22
                The Dad doesn't want to take the youngest to Cubs. There is NO "ulterior motive" -- the child wants to attend Cubs.
                I initiated court action against my ex once to change child support amount when he was under-reporting his income and to receive payment for thousands of dollars in unpaid S.7 reimbursements. I won my case, but the Judge said I can't initiate court action without prior permission from the court. The same judge changed a conference to a trial and the court "conveniently" forgot to advise me of that little detail.
                I'm a bit suspicious of the whole situation given the exes lawyer is also a deputy judge at the same courthouse.
                There is NOTHING to be suspicious of.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Epona View Post
                  The Dad doesn't want to take the youngest to Cubs. There is NO "ulterior motive" -- the child wants to attend Cubs.
                  Epona: If your ex has already told you he won't take the child to Cubs, then why was your original post asking for advice on how to approach him about the subject?

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                  • #24
                    Originally posted by Epona View Post
                    I won my case, but the Judge said I can't initiate court action without prior permission from the court.
                    The court has the inherent power to control its own process and prevent an abuse of its process (ie bringing multiple frivolous actions, or abusive conduct). When the court invokes this power, it can do whatever it feels is necessary to prevent a litigant from abusing the court's or the other party's time and resources. Usually, the courts will prevent an abusive litigant from bringing any further actions in the matter without leave (permission) of the court. It is never ordered in a case where you win. I'm curious: Why did the court order that you cannot bring any further action without leave?

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                    • #25
                      @ Access Dad -- I originally posted on December 7. My ex is very... particular on how I request changes and I was seeking advice on how to word a request that couldn't be twisted into something else or misconstrued as an order so he'd be able to use it against me at some future date (and yes, he will do so).
                      I have no clue why the judge ruled the way she did. It stumped several duty counsels when I went to the courthouse for advice afterwards.
                      Personally, I think there was was something happening (conflict of interest?) between the lawyer (who also happens to be a deputy judge at the same courthouse) and the judge.
                      Considering the steps for a case to go to trial, I don't believe a case can skip all the steps and go from first case conference to a trial without at least notifying the other party, which is what happened to me.

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                      • #26
                        Epona. Perhaps there was something going on if the lawyer is also a deputy judge. It just really sounds strange that this would happen to you. You're right, you should've been fully aware if you had a trial coming up. I would've thought that you would've had to have a settlement conference an a trial management conference before going to trial. Were you self-represented?

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                        • #27
                          Yes I was self-represented. Exes lawyer was very difficult. He'd refuse to accept documents that were being served etc., so I had them couriered to get a signature from the lawyer's office. He presented documents to the Judge during the trial that hadn't been filed and I hadn't even seen! I protested. He tried to use information from mediation when there was no agreement that it be used in a trial etc. I followed advice of duty counsel very carefully and won in that child support was increased to the amount it should have been. Even though I won, the judge awarded my ex $2,500 in court costs (I'm pretty sure his lawyer didn't do $5,000 worth of work -- he did very little), which was deducted from child support. How any of it benefited the children, I have no clue. The results were very suspect, but I didn't (and still don't) know enough about case law to even attempt an appeal (it's way too late now anyway, more than a year later). But to strip someone's rights to take another to court because it's last resort is plain wrong. My ex continually keeps threatening to take me to court over nothing because that's what he likes to do.
                          I've got this to "look forward to" for at least another eight years. So if I can get advice here on how to request a change...well, here I am.
                          Oh, and he won't agree to changing the access for the duration while the child is in Cubs/Scouts; I have to request the access change every week and he doesn't acknowledge the access change (by HIS choice) is so the youngest can attend something he really enjoys. And yes I gave him the option of taking the youngster, changing access to one of two possible evenings and asked for any other ideas he might have. He was still reluctant to agree to any change because he seems to think being difficult will hurt me, when the reality is -- it hurts our son.
                          Last edited by Epona; 12-25-2011, 10:09 PM.

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                          • #28
                            Epona: If he won't agree to a change in the access schedule, make sure all of your efforts to try and come to an agreement without the use of the court are well-documented. Make sure that his refusal is documented as well. Your right to bring a motion to change has not been stripped of you per se. You just have to get permission from the court. If you show evidence that your son wants badly to join the Cubs and that you made every effort to address this with his father and offered a change in access that would not reduce his access and he refused, then I don't see why the court would not give you permission to bring the motion. It will take little longer than if you could just bring a motion in the normal way, but it certainly doesn't mean that you are "banned" from bringing further motions.

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                            • #29
                              you won and he was awarded costs??? Something stinks there. I am thinking you are right about his lawyer doing something that seems shady. Is there anyone you can report this to?

                              Comment

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