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  • #31
    One thing I was very naive about (or tricked) was that getting married was "just a piece of paper". I signed a document which will probably cost me close to $100,000 for no other reason that my ex-wife pressuring me to do it - thinking it was "just a piece of paper" - funny how independent legal advice wasn't important then!

    I would never under no circumstances get married because I simply don't see marriage being viable in today's "me" society and it is simply a bad business deal for an ambitious person like me. It also gives me no "control" over what my spouse does but my spouse can choose to be unemployed and I have no option except to file for divorce.

    If I cohabit with somebody that is satisfied or unable to get out of the pink ghetto and earns close to minimum wage I will gladly help them out, take them out for dinner etc... but when the relationship ends I am not going to take responsibility for her choices.

    Also, the idea of marrying a person with their own kids is abhorrent to me. I don't feel like most people can handle their own responsibilities and will start shuttling them off to me. I know its an unfair double standard, but still...

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    • #32
      You lost 100k, though you're young enough to recuperate. For those of us divorcing in our 50's and 60's, the future can be bleak - no time to catch up financially being so close to retirement.

      From a fiscal point of view, marriage makes no sense. Nor would I be inclined to raise some other women's children (part time) and later have those kids pulled out of my life at a moment's notice with no rights whatsoever .... nope.

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      • #33
        This weekend my partner experienced: working together on a hard project with me, going to a wedding with me (with my friends), going to the garden center with me and working outside with me. All of it was 50/50 and at every point we discussed options together and made sure we were both on the same page. During the weekend he also had to deal with his ex and was reminded of how crazy she made him. He told me earlier how much he loves that that part of his life is over and how happy he is to be himself. That makes me happy. Its really sad to see how other people treat the ones they love.

        Online dating only works for some people and Im convinced those people are the ones who arent social enough to get out there or are too "pretty"/shallow and can go for that buff beauty type that is nothing more than a profile photo. If its meant to be, it truly will happen. Who knows, you may very well bump into your happily ever after one day at the locations that bring you happiness!

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        • #34
          I'm not sure I agree about the online stuff. I've been to 4 weddings in the last 5 years...all of the couples met online. Fun normal stable happy people. I would say that all are extroverts and have excelled professionally. I don't think it matters where you meet...if it's meant to be...it can happen anywhere...including online.

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          • #35
            From a legal standpoint... I think once you are co-habbing... a split can have pretty much the same consequences (somebody correct me here?).

            ... and I'll take a (small) exception to rockscan on Online Dating. I'm a pretty social guy, but I'm parenting 50% of the time... and work FT... throw in my gym nites and even on my off weeks I only have 2 or 3 days to myself. My experience is mixed. I've had women totally misrepresent themselves via their photos.... I've had a few where email/chat was totally in sync, but in person it didn't work... and a few where they were perfectly nice people, we had a nice time out for dinner or whatever, but it just wasn't going any further. Same sorts of experiences can be had in random connections. One way or the other it takes time to get to know the "real person". I'm not discounting the real world.... I just think the OL world can augment those 'random' meets.

            Its a Journey to be sure.... I'm not as panicked as when I first realized my marriage was dissolving

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            • #36
              Two of my dearest friends met on eHarmony but they were in the GTA so they had a deeper pool. I tried online dating in two different cities I lived in and it was horrible. I gave up.

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              • #37
                Originally posted by rockscan View Post
                Two of my dearest friends met on eHarmony but they were in the GTA so they had a deeper pool. I tried online dating in two different cities I lived in and it was horrible. I gave up.
                That is an excellent point! I can see that not working well unless you have a LOT people in the pool... I can see a smaller city not working very well.

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                • #38
                  From a legal standpoint... I think once you are co-habbing... a split can have pretty much the same consequences (somebody correct me here?).
                  God save the queen not in Quebec.

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                  • #39
                    Originally posted by Links17 View Post
                    God save the queen not in Quebec.
                    LOL!! Interesting.... and QC probably has the highest rates of co-hab in the country.

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                    • #40
                      Originally posted by joehobo View Post
                      That is an excellent point! I can see that not working well unless you have a LOT people in the pool... I can see a smaller city not working very well.
                      I did the online-dating thing (after swearing up and down that I would never sink so low..), and amazingly, it worked out really well. My partner and I have been together for more than two years, and we would never have overlapped had it not been for the dreaded Plenty of Fish.

                      For me, the key was to treat dating like a hobby rather than the search for a soulmate. I tried to approach it as an opportunity to build up some rusty social skills, as the last time I was single was when Mulroney was the PM. I found that the advantage was volume - anyone can have dates every night of the week if they want - and the disadvantage was also volume - many if not most of the options were, um, less than dreamy.

                      For anyone contemplating it, I would say give it a go, spend a LOT of time chatting on email before meeting in person so you know if you've got something to talk about, and if there's no chemistry when you do meet, no harm no foul you've just had coffee with an interesting potential friend. The people I've met for whom the online thing didn't work out tended to be either really picky about who they would consider, or desperate to fall in love and then bitter when it kept not happening. I think you have to be very comfortable with being alone, or even lonely, before dating of any kind can work out for you.

                      Interestingly, and getting back to the point of this thread, my partner (also divorced) is very keen on getting married, and I'm not so much. It's nothing about him (and we're both completely self-supporting, as well as financially and legally smart about what's mine, yours and ours), I think it's just that the first time around ended so badly that I don't want to risk getting back on that particular horse. Or in other words, my marriage failure rate so far is 100%. But it's very important to my partner, and I can see us tying the knot in the next couple of years, if everything continues to go well.

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                      • #41
                        Good point about treating it like a hobby stripes
                        It honestly can be a FT job... and the results don't represent the effort! lol.

                        A friend of mine (who also recently divorced) swears marriage should be a renewable 5 year contract. That way, if you've had enough... you just move on. If not, maybe you step up your game to get a new contract.

                        All kidding aside, another couple I know sit down every New Years Eve and have a serious heart to heart about their relationship, where it is, where its going and if they want to keep it. Something I'm definitely going to focus on in round 3.... no matter what form it takes (LTR, marriage, shackup)

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                        • #42
                          No!!!!!!!!

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                          • #43
                            New Years Eve they discuss whether or not to carry on??? Before or after they get into the festivities? I guess the saying "may old acquaintance be forgot" is quite apt for them.

                            You can call it quits anytime you want to. Even if you had a "contract" that says you can end at the end of a certain time period you would still be looking at lots of money. There would be a new division of family law dealing with these sorts of contracts I'm sure. A person would still have to go through the emotionally painful and expensive process of separating assets/liabilities.

                            No easy answer.

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                            • #44
                              I'm not sure I agree about the online stuff. I've been to 4 weddings in the last 5 years...all of the couples met online. Fun normal stable happy people. I would say that all are extroverts and have excelled professionally. I don't think it matters where you meet...if it's meant to be...it can happen anywhere...including online.
                              I met my now husband on-line (POF...THANK YOU, THANK YOU, THANK YOU!). Its a great way to meet men because you can thrift through a lot of men quickly without a lot of effort. Particularly people that you'd normally have no chance of being exposed to. But it can also be tiring. I actually have helped a few friends meet great guys on-line...there's a technique to it.

                              Tips:

                              1. Keep your profile simple and don't give a lot of details...but most importantly, keep your profile private. That way, YOU do the picking and don't have a bunch of undesirables constantly bugging you.

                              2. When you see someone you might be interested in...send them a note and talk for a number of weeks. You'd be amazed at what you can learn about someone from their grammar and the way they write. Also people reveal the most amazing private details through pm'ing because it seems more anonymous and less stressful than telling someone something face-to-face.

                              3. Once you form a liking for someone by talking to them online...arrange both a phone call and (this is a must) a video chat session. This way, you can both hear their voice and have a conversation and see their mannerisms before you're sitting across a table from them. Also you can verify that they actually are the person in the picture on their profile. If they don't want to video chat...don't bother continuing. Its a must. I've had sooo many friends who've shown up for dates and the person they thought they were there to see looked nothing like the profile pic that was either someone else or from 20 years ago.

                              This way, you get to weed a lot of guys out without having to go through all the trouble of getting ready for a pointless date. I'd do this a couple of times. It makes the first date a much more pleasant experience.

                              Online dating can be far more fruitful, convenient, and less work than regular dating. Its a great way to meet people if you follow a process.

                              By the way, marriage is awesome when you marry the right person! (But check their credit report, investment portfolio and understand their spending morality before you do it!)
                              Last edited by Pursuinghappiness; 05-20-2015, 01:11 PM.

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                              • #45
                                Agree with all the above, especially the long conversations before meeting. (A large vocabulary was a must-have for me). (I should've thought of the video chat thing - I met a couple of men who bore no resemblance to their picture. Nice guys, but really not what I was expecting).

                                I had a friend who was on NINE dating sites at once. He basically dated non-stop (and I mean every single evening) for six months, and even had an Excel spreadsheet of dates (and not the sleazy hookup kind, this one just had notations about personality, values, life situations, etc). He ended up finding the great woman he is now married to. But not all of us are that organized (or energetic).

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