Father broke contact

[stonecreek]

I'm hoping someone can give advise on what to do in my situation. I will give a little background. My ex and I have been divorced for almost 3 years. We had a marraige of power and control and emotional abuse on his part. I left him after he had threatened my life. Our divorce is finallized but he continues to battle and fight me on everything ultimatly tries to control still. He has visitation access to our 8 year old daughter and throughout the 3 years he has broken contact from her 4 times. He states he has to because of his mental health(depression), that I have caused him. Everything is my fault.I have moved on with my life and am getting remarried this summer, he also has a new woman and 2 children in his life in the past 2 years but he still cant seem to let go of the anger and resentment from me leaving him. He has also failed to pay proper child support( the FRO is dealing with that). Anyway , this past March Break he had her for a 10 days and hasnt seen her since. He called me on the phone stating I was kidnapping his child and not giving him access and he yelled, threatened me etc and then wrote me a life threatening email and told me that he would not be contacting our daughter by phone or seeing her again until he got a restraining order against me. ??? He is not in the right mind and I am terrified. I did contact the police regarding the threat on my life and they did handle the situation with him. So he has not called her or seen her since. She is seeing a child pychologist through all this to help her. Last week he sent me an email stating that he was now going to take her for summer vacation from July 1- Labour Day weekend. I responded that that was innappropriate to take her for the whole summer and that he could see her for his 5 weeks as laid out in our court order. He never responded back. He was just trying to push my buttons again.

Anyways, what do I do when he does really want to start visitation again. I know he has rights to see her and she deserves to see him but I am scared for her safety while in his care, (mental health), he controls and manipulates her, his threats on my life and he hasnt seen her for months. How do you just pop back in her life like nothing. This is the 4th time in 3 years he has done this. The detective involved with the threat advised me to get supervised visitation.

Any advise or help would be appreciated

Sorry this was long winded.

[logicalvelocity]

stonecreek,

welcome to the forum,

That is quite a predicament that you have.

To get an understanding I assume you have a final court order in regards to custody and access of your child. If your ex is harassing you and making threats then definitely you deserve peace. You could bring the matter before the courts and have a restraining order in effect. ie No contact order etc something to the effect.

If the individual is downplaying your importance and defaming who you are to the child, this could be classed as emotional harm.

You do have concerns in regards to his fitness to act as a parent already, I would take the matter before the courts and have access reviewed.

lv

[stonecreek]

Thanks for the reply LV,

Yes, we have a final divorce order that in which I have full custody and he has visititation.

If at such time he wants to start up visitation again could I just tell him only if he agrees to supervised visitation for the best interest of our child.

I know he would flip out at this and threaten to take me to court but I know that he wont take me there because he does not want to stand before a judge due to this issue, failure to pay child support and other outstanding financial issues from our divorce and also now the threat/harrassment issue.

I guess my question is would it be ok to do this and then force his hand to take me to court if he wants to see his daughter or would a judge look bad on me for withholding visitation unless it was supervised.

I dont know if he will ever see her again but past history shows me he will show back up in her life full force again. I just want to be prepared as to what to do at such time.

I just want what is best and safe for our daughter.

Thanks

[logicalvelocity]

stonecreek,

Regardless of the custody situation, a parent has no right to control the child's access or to dictate the terms of such to the other parent. Only a court can do this.

If you have concerns which you do, you will have to take the matter before the court's and vary the agreement or order to a supervised order. The onus is on you to show why the child's access should be surpervised and restricted while the child is with that parent.

lv

[stonecreek]

Thank you

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my concerns. I appreciate your advice on this issue.

[Grace]

If you fear for you daughters safety I urge you to call CAS and let them investigate, before the next scheduled visit. They can be a wealth of information and support for spouses & children dealing with abuse. They can also take a position on access. Their position holds great weight in front of a judge.

[Divorcemanagement]

Sometimes a good strategy when dealing with a former spouse who you believe is disingenuous is to "empower" them to solve the problem based exclusively on the nature of their complaint with you. For example, if he cares to portray himself as "super-dad who is a victim at the hands of his evil ex-wife", then begin a dialogue with him that deals with the actual functions of child care. Do this in a way that protects you if there has been a history of family violence of course.

Send him a letter:

"Dear Joe,

I understand that you have expressed a desire to rebuild your relationship with our daughter and while I understand that you believe I am denying access, that is simply not the case. In view of this, I would be more than happy to discuss ways that we can support our daughter with the help of a child psychologist. Below are the names of 5 psychologists in our community.
I encourage you to select one, arrange for an appointment and I will make myself available. I further propose that we defer to the psychologist in his/her recommendations regarding our child.

Regards,

You"

This is a very effective strategy that you might want to consider incorporating if you feel that your safety is not threatened.

[Grace]

Believe me, these types of abusers, manipulators and control freaks don't need anymore "empower(ment)". It victimizes the victims again and puts the abuser back in "control". You can't negotiate with an abuser.

[Divorcemanagement]

Grace:

LV had written:

Regardless of the custody situation, a parent has no right to control the child's access or to dictate the terms of such to the other parent. Only a court can do this.

If you have concerns which you do, you will have to take the matter before the court's and vary the agreement or order to a supervised order. The onus is on you to show why the child's access should be surpervised and restricted while the child is with that parent.

My suggestion isn't to negotiate, it's to build a trail of evidence - in all likelihood a person like this isn't prepared to negotiate - abusers are not known for their negotiation skills the last time I looked. This is a way to cover her butt when he invariably says that she is denying access and it is a way to create evidence to show he is disingenuous.

[Grace]

Sean,

LV is right on, as usual, Stonecreek needs a court order. But quit frankly I disagree with your approach to "playing the abusers game". She is being threatened with her life and is terrified. You have not walked in her shoes. Game playing as you are suggesting is to risky in this situation.

[stonecreek]

Grace

You are absolutly right on this one. He's played games with me and our child for a long time and I wont allow her to be played anymore. He has used her as a pawn in our divorce since day one.

In his email that he sent me back in March he also stated that he was terrified of me because I abused him (????)and my daughter (???) so he would only do exchanges at supervised exchange centers and until such time that I set that up he would not see his daughter. ( We do exchanges at a half way point due to living 3 hours apart) So that week I set up supervised exchange place half way and sent him the email relaying all the info and to let me know when he wanted to start this.........still waiting to hear from him.

It's all about power and control .....because I agreed with him and set it up ......no response. He just wants me to say no and then he can fight with me. I also no longer have a lawyer and the arbitrator step down because he couldnt deal with him anymore. He ran to my lawyer and the arbitrator about every issue under the sun and threatens court etc but never follows through....all threats. Under some very good advice I was told to get rid of the lawyer so he has no one to run to anymore and get rid of the arbitor.
Did that and 2 weeks later this email, threat and broken contact. He has no one to go to anymore at my expense, hes losing control of me and he cant take it.

Things are to the point now that I am so scared that he is lurking around watching me or at worst going to kill me.

Just this morning my daughter asked to call him and I said sure. She called him and he said he was too tired and let her go. She is so confused and doesnt understand what is happening. I want this hurt to go away for her and I just want him to have a healthy relationship with her. I know he will never change and I know he will always try to control, manipulate and tell her lies. That is a reality I have to live with and unfortunatly her reality.

Thank you all for your advice.

[Divorcemanagement]

I also no longer have a lawyer and the arbitrator step down because he couldnt deal with him anymore. He ran to my lawyer and the arbitrator about every issue under the sun and threatens court etc but never follows through....all threats. Under some very good advice I was told to get rid of the lawyer so he has no one to run to anymore and get rid of the arbitor.
Did that and 2 weeks later this email, threat and broken contact. He has no one to go to anymore at my expense, hes losing control of me and he cant take it.

If this is the case then you'll want to probably pursue litigation to minimize his ability to contact you and your daughter. If you are going the self represented route, familiarize yourself with the Rules of the Court so that you can learn how to bring your matter before a judge. You'll also need some solid evidence to back up your claim, which is one of the reasons I suggested involving a psychologist.

(Be mindful of the fact that he can also go the self-represented route and control your life through frivilous motions before the court. I worked with a mother in a similar situation as yours, her ex is self-represented and has taken her to court on 8 notices of motion in the last 12 months...)

You will probably need to have a psychological evaluation done on your daughter or possibly a bi-lateral assessment - the recommendations of the psychologist conducting the bi-lateral will go a long way in convincing a judge about your case, unfortunately that will be pricey.

It also might be a good idea to see if your community has a Children's Lawyer project or program - that will help give your daughter a voice in the proceedings.

[stonecreek]

I will not go the self representing way. I will retain a new lawyer again when needed to. I have already spoke to him and he stated to not retain him until he files a motion or serves me with papers. This way he and his lawyer have no one to write there letters to on a weekly basis and it will save me thousands of dollars. This is what I did and it has worked well.

When he decides to take me to court for whatever then I will retain.

I have more than enough solid evidence to prove my case.

Already have her seeing a pychologist.

I have never refused him access to his child. Still during this broken contact issue I am still sending him information about her health, activities etc. I have still let her call him if she wants and send letters. I wont take that away from her. And I will continue to keep him informed, as that is his right as her parent. What he chooses to do is his issue, not mine anymore.

Anyways.......this is all seeming so complicated now. I just posted this in the event that he does choose to exercise his visitation rights and want to be a father in her life. Like I said it hasnt happened yet but I wanted to be prepared as to what to say to him when and if that time came.

I will protect my child at all costs and if I feel her safetly and well being is being affected in or during exchanges with our child then I will not let her see him unless it is supervised visitation. If he doesnt like it then he can take me to court and speak to the judge. How could a judge look down on a parent protecting their child and looking out for their best interest .

[Divorcemanagement]

Sounds like you have a good strategy in place. As far as your question about how a judge might rule against you, it can happen - you never know when you go to court, it's always a crapshoot.

[Grace]

Stonecreek,

Hang in there and don't let this bully control your life, or ruin your new life. BTW congrats on your approaching marriage. Perhaps this is what is getting your ex all stirred up. I know easier said than done. I have walked in your shoes. It's not easy. I still think you should have CAS investigate. And get a restraining order against him, you have enough proof with the threatening e-mails. Keep up with your daughter seeing a therapist, this will help her sort out her feelings.

Stay strong,
Your in my prayers
Grace