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  • giving up custody

    Hi folks

    I have been poking around the forum for a while and I was unable to locate a post that assisted me. I am currently going through the divorce process with my spouse. We have three children together, ages 14, 15 and 17. My soon to be ex is going for 100% custody which I believe to be final decision making on matters related to health care, educational, sporting activities, etc.

    With their ages I am wondering if I spend the money to fight the custody battle. I will be fighting for 50% access. So if I give up custody what am I losing?

    Any insight you could offer would be appreciated.

    Thanks

    Tom

  • #2
    A lot.

    People here will tell you dont do it.

    Don't give it up.

    If you are an equal parent in their lives then make it so. They are teenagers and fully capable of choosing. Don't give your ex that power. You can live in their school area and have them spend 50% of their time with you.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thanks for the quick reply Rock

      I am definately an equal parent. We have been separated for over 10 months and I get them every other week. 50/50 time share. I am really involved in their lives or as much as you can be with teenagers.

      Comment


      • #4
        Then keep it as 50:50 and don't take any other option. You've got it established now, it can stay that way.

        Your ex probably wants full table support thats why the request for full.

        Comment


        • #5
          If you've had shared custody and 50 50 for 10 years, it's highly unlikely she would suddenly get sole. You could easily self rep this one.

          I don't understand why you would consider giving up custody. The older two can pretty much decide where they want to be whenever, your place, hers or the south of France and there's very little anyone can do about it.

          What is her basis for a sudden sole custody change? She would have to demonstrate a serious material change at this point.

          Comment


          • #6
            You must be confused. There is no way she is just going for sole custody, there is no money in that. She wants sole residency and custody.

            That being said, if she consents to sharing residency 50/50 with you. No judge would be able to justify not also giving you joint custody.

            No matter what, fight.

            Comment


            • #7
              ....OP, she might be going for sole custody in order to get table amount child support for 3 kids. Depending on what the kids decide to do after high school, she is thinking at least for now she will be able to get CS for the next 4, 3, 1 based on the ages

              Status quo is working in your favour right now...continue to call her bluff and ignore her. It's probably her FB friends feeding her BS

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by Tommo View Post
                So if I give up custody what am I losing?
                You lose everything.

                Financially:
                1) Your CS goes through the roof
                2) You lose all tax credits for your children (can't get credits if you pay support, that's the actual law!)


                Custody:
                1) Mother can effectively move anywhere she wants in the world
                2) Mother essentially gets final say on all decisions (education, sports, etc)


                Parenting:

                1) Mother gets to alienate you effectively
                2) Kids see you the mom as the real parent, and you as the fake parent
                3) Your kids slowly drop out of your life


                That's just the short list.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by Tommo View Post
                  Hi folks

                  I have been poking around the forum for a while and I was unable to locate a post that assisted me. I am currently going through the divorce process with my spouse. We have three children together, ages 14, 15 and 17. My soon to be ex is going for 100% custody which I believe to be final decision making on matters related to health care, educational, sporting activities, etc.

                  With their ages I am wondering if I spend the money to fight the custody battle. I will be fighting for 50% access. So if I give up custody what am I losing?

                  Any insight you could offer would be appreciated.

                  Thanks

                  Tom
                  Are you confusing custody with access time?

                  If you give up custody, you will not have any say in their health decisions, religion, education, etc, as you point out. Honestly, by that age, your 17 year old, at least, is going to be making his/her own decisions anyway. Giving this up means you will not have any say in your children's lives. You'll basically be a second-string parent for all the things that count most.

                  Access is the parenting time. At your children's ages, it won't really matter what you have on paper, they are going to go live in the house most convenient to their lives. If you want to have them at your house, make sure you live near their school and friends. If you have 50-50 already and it's working fine, then there's no reason that shouldn't continue, no matter what the custody ends up being.

                  The way to approach this is to try to figure out what benefit your ex perceives to having sole custody and keeping you out of decision-making. Is your ex a control freak or something? Does she think it will give her control over where they live, and thus more access? Does she think it will give her more money? Is SHE confusing decision-making with access time and calling them both custody? Do you think she wants to move away from you and believes this will let her do it?

                  It's very hard to get sole custody, unless the other parent doesn't care or is abusive. Or unless the parent going for it bluffs you into giving it up voluntarily.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    If she has sole custody, she can block you from viewing university registration/academic records. Which becomes a problem if kid is messing around with their program ... E.g failing, repeating classes, taking partial course loads.

                    You can include a mobility clause saying that the kids cannot be moved more than 15mins away without a court order.

                    Assuming she has no wacko medical views, that's really the only major concrete issue with giving up joint custody (I'm talking about decision making, not parenting time).

                    Only parenting time determines CS.
                    Last edited by dinkyface; 11-28-2016, 09:47 AM.

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by dinkyface View Post
                      If she has sole custody, she can block you from viewing university registration/academic records. Which becomes a problem if kid is messing around with their program ... E.g failing, repeating classes, taking partial course loads.

                      Actually, if you are responsible for a portion of the expense, you request transcripts to prove kid is full time.

                      Once a child reaches 18, the agreement doesn't matter for info as they are considered an adult and allowed to make their own disclosure decisions. However, if they want money, they have to prove they are in school full time.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                        Are you confusing custody with access time?

                        If you give up custody, you will not have any say in their health decisions, religion, education, etc, as you point out. Honestly, by that age, your 17 year old, at least, is going to be making his/her own decisions anyway. Giving this up means you will not have any say in your children's lives. You'll basically be a second-string parent for all the things that count most.

                        Access is the parenting time. At your children's ages, it won't really matter what you have on paper, they are going to go live in the house most convenient to their lives. If you want to have them at your house, make sure you live near their school and friends. If you have 50-50 already and it's working fine, then there's no reason that shouldn't continue, no matter what the custody ends up being.

                        The way to approach this is to try to figure out what benefit your ex perceives to having sole custody and keeping you out of decision-making. Is your ex a control freak or something? Does she think it will give her control over where they live, and thus more access? Does she think it will give her more money? Is SHE confusing decision-making with access time and calling them both custody? Do you think she wants to move away from you and believes this will let her do it?

                        It's very hard to get sole custody, unless the other parent doesn't care or is abusive. Or unless the parent going for it bluffs you into giving it up voluntarily.
                        I will spend all the money I have to keep the access time 50/50. She is a control freak. The kids have made it clear that they want to remain in their current school until they graduate. If she moves, they stay with me. They are at an age to make that decision.

                        She has been posturing for the last ½ a year for full custody (decision making). She will pull the abuse card.

                        Comment

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