Name Change & Hyphenation

[singlemom1kid]

I am looking for information, and input, on hypenating a child's last name.

My child was conceived from an oops moment during a 1 time event, with someone who I had known for nearly 10years.

Throughout the pregnancy, despite claiming to want involvement, the father was inconsistent and as time progressed, became less and less involved. So, when our child was born, I gave him my last name. I did, however, give our son his dads first name, as is first middle name (are you following me). I also chose a first name that came from his fathers heritage. I was very conscious on giving my son a name that would tie him to both sides of his family.

During the pregnancy, his dad did say that he hoped our child would have his last name, in hyphenation, but would understand if I did not make that decision. And otherwise, gave no real suggestions or input into actually naming our child.

Even after our son was born, we had to amend his birth certificate (just a few months after his birth), and his father made no issue of the last name at that time. He brought it up casually, and stated that he would never fight me on it. But then signed the amended certificate paperwork, and here we are two years later.

His dad and I have been in family court for nearly a year (his dad is the Applicant). We have had the OCL involved and at the end of the day the court has more or less "sided" with me, since I haven't actually been as unreasonable as he likes to make me out to be.

We still have to determine custody (as it has simply been 'defacto' to me). And although it has not been formally brought up in court yet, there have been some appearances, where he is requesting a hypenated last name.

Our son is now 2years old, and knows his name to be what it is, legally.

I almost would be inclined to hyphenate, but his dad is a bully, and manupulative (a skilled salesman), and has been undermining me since day 1 - and because of his own childhood issues, he has some game plan to obtain full and sole custody of our son. He tries to teach our son that his GF is "mommy", and despite the legal name, has been teaching our son that his last name is his fathers name, creating such a confusion in our son so that he doesn't like to talk about his name to people anymore.

If he pushes this issue, what is the process? How long would a contested name change take through the courts? Are the courts likely to force a hyphenation given my son has had this name since birth?


Thank in advance.

[singlemom1kid]

I should also mention my son has two middle names already (so 4 names in total now -- a hyphenation would give him 5 names!!)

[blinkandimgone]

You'd likely lose if it goes to court, or the court would recommend a hyphenated name.

Not sure what you think the big deal is with adding dad's name? He has (or should have) equal rights to the child, but regardless of what the name is, his rights don't change.

Dad's behaviour during the pregnancy is irrelevant. You are equating how dad behaved with you to how dad should be able to interact with the child. The child is here now and given that you say you have 'defacto' custody, you should ensure the child has an equal amount of meaningful contact with both parents, 50-50 would be ideal.

Go with the hyphenated name, stop nitpicking and let the kid grow up with two parents.

[singlemom1kid]

You'd likely lose if it goes to court, or the court would recommend a hyphenated name.

Not sure what you think the big deal is with adding dad's name? He has (or should have) equal rights to the child, but regardless of what the name is, his rights don't change.

Dad's behaviour during the pregnancy is irrelevant. You are equating how dad behaved with you to how dad should be able to interact with the child. The child is here now and given that you say you have 'defacto' custody, you should ensure the child has an equal amount of meaningful contact with both parents, 50-50 would be ideal.

Go with the hyphenated name, stop nitpicking and let the kid grow up with two parents.

Oh he absolutely has two parents, and I have never stopped or hindered that. I guess I am just more thinking towards his fathers inconsistencies in being apart of his life - and what happens when he comes to an age where he realizes that he's the only one with that name? None of his siblings will have the same name. Will he end up feeling like an outsider from both families? I've worked with enough kids in my life to know that these things can matter. And what happens when he gets married and his wife wants to hyphenate? I just figure, the kid has a name, if he wants to change it when he's older, he can. It doesn't necessarily benefit him to have his name changed. To me it's more about possession for his dad (there's more back story to it as well of course).

Of course I am just looking out for the best interest of my son in the long-term. I want he and his dad to have a relationship, and they do. But I don't see how changing his name will better that relationship. The kid is already named after his dad (first middle name).

[wretchedotis]

I am looking for information, and input, on hypenating a child's last name.

My child was conceived from an oops moment during a 1 time event, with someone who I had known for nearly 10years.

Throughout the pregnancy, despite claiming to want involvement, the father was inconsistent and as time progressed, became less and less involved. So, when our child was born, I gave him my last name. I did, however, give our son his dads first name, as is first middle name (are you following me). I also chose a first name that came from his fathers heritage. I was very conscious on giving my son a name that would tie him to both sides of his family.

During the pregnancy, his dad did say that he hoped our child would have his last name, in hyphenation, but would understand if I did not make that decision. And otherwise, gave no real suggestions or input into actually naming our child.

Even after our son was born, we had to amend his birth certificate (just a few months after his birth), and his father made no issue of the last name at that time. He brought it up casually, and stated that he would never fight me on it. But then signed the amended certificate paperwork, and here we are two years later.

His dad and I have been in family court for nearly a year (his dad is the Applicant). We have had the OCL involved and at the end of the day the court has more or less "sided" with me, since I haven't actually been as unreasonable as he likes to make me out to be.

We still have to determine custody (as it has simply been 'defacto' to me). And although it has not been formally brought up in court yet, there have been some appearances, where he is requesting a hypenated last name.

Our son is now 2years old, and knows his name to be what it is, legally.

I almost would be inclined to hyphenate, but his dad is a bully, and manupulative (a skilled salesman), and has been undermining me since day 1 - and because of his own childhood issues, he has some game plan to obtain full and sole custody of our son. He tries to teach our son that his GF is "mommy", and despite the legal name, has been teaching our son that his last name is his fathers name, creating such a confusion in our son so that he doesn't like to talk about his name to people anymore.

If he pushes this issue, what is the process? How long would a contested name change take through the courts? Are the courts likely to force a hyphenation given my son has had this name since birth?


Thank in advance.

I think you should just leave well enough alone.

The child can change their own name at 18 if it's that much an issue...?

[blinkandimgone]

I almost would be inclined to hyphenate, but his dad is a bully, and manupulative (a skilled salesman), and has been undermining me since day 1 - and because of his own childhood issues, he has some game plan to obtain full and sole custody of our son. He tries to teach our son that his GF is "mommy", and despite the legal name, has been teaching our son that his last name is his fathers name, creating such a confusion in our son so that he doesn't like to talk about his name to people anymore.

You're pretty much saying here that you're inclined to believe it to be in the best interest of the child. But....you don't like the way dad treats you therefore, you're content to overlook the best interests of the child.

If you hyphenate the name, the kid has part of you & dad with him everyday. If you think 5 names is too many, then give him dad's name (if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander, right?)

You could what if it to death. The kid is two years old and you're already planning the what-ifs that could happen when he gets married?

Seriously, you really need to start considering that if you feel it's a fair offer to make, it's a fair offer to take. If you wouldn't accept it, why on earth would you expect dad to?

[standing on the sidelines]

what he and his future wife decided to do about last names is up to them. Not your worry. Either give him the fathers last name or hyphenate. That is the most fair thing to do.

[caranna]

Our son is now 2years old, and knows his name to be what it is, legally.

creating such a confusion in our son so that he doesn't like to talk about his name to people anymore.

Your son is only 2 years old and already doesn't want to talk about his name?? I agree with posters who say give him his father's name or hyphenate. Just use initials for his middle names because you think his name is too long. This issue should be settled asap. A 2 year old kid who is too scared and confused to talk about his identity, his name, and is caught up in this mess...awful.

[frustratedwithex]

I should also mention my son has two middle names already (so 4 names in total now -- a hyphenation would give him 5 names!!)

In everday life, someone is referred to by their first name only, not all given middle names.

I have a first name, 3 middle names and a last name. People call me by my first name. The only time I write out all of my names, is for legal purposes. Filling out a form for a passport, or for CRA, etc.

Kids adjust. My kids do not have the same last name as me and it wasn't a problem for them. Other kids at school had different last names then the parents, both because of divorce and because one parent chose to keep a family name.

[singlemom1kid]

You're pretty much saying here that you're inclined to believe it to be in the best interest of the child. But....you don't like the way dad treats you therefore, you're content to overlook the best interests of the child.

If you hyphenate the name, the kid has part of you & dad with him everyday. If you think 5 names is too many, then give him dad's name (if it's good for the goose, it's good for the gander, right?)

You could what if it to death. The kid is two years old and you're already planning the what-ifs that could happen when he gets married?

Seriously, you really need to start considering that if you feel it's a fair offer to make, it's a fair offer to take. If you wouldn't accept it, why on earth would you expect dad to?

I'd like to leave it alone. But to settle things and move on I'd like to just hyphenate. It isn't because of how he treats me that makes me not want to, it's how his attitude towards me will jeopardize my relationship with our son. He is already manipulating our son -- and throughout the rest of our case, he has made it clear that his goal is to remove me from our sons life. So it isn't like I'm being petty. He sees our son as a possession.

Plus, it isn't like he'll be addressing our son by his new legal hyphenated name...he'll simply refer to him with his own last name; which is what he does now. Which is causing our son stress over the whole thing. So it's not like it would change anything here.

And our son is named after his dad anyways (middle name), and has that piece of him to carry with him every day.

I just don't see the true benefit for our son. His dad is making sure that he knows who he belongs to.

When we talk about what's "fair". Isn't that more referring to what's fair for the parents? And if that's the topic of conversation, then perhaps I should start a new thread seeing as that is a whole other conversation.

[singlemom1kid]

what he and his future wife decided to do about last names is up to them. Not your worry. Either give him the fathers last name or hyphenate. That is the most fair thing to do.

Why is it to remove my name or hyphenate? Why is my name not good enough? His dad didn't even take is own dads name. He carries his mothers maiden name.

[singlemom1kid]

Your son is only 2 years old and already doesn't want to talk about his name?? I agree with posters who say give him his father's name or hyphenate. Just use initials for his middle names because you think his name is too long. This issue should be settled asap. A 2 year old kid who is too scared and confused to talk about his identity, his name, and is caught up in this mess...awful.

It is awful. And if this was the most of our issues, it'd be an easy decision -- but it isn't. Like I said to another poster, why is it to remove my name or hyphenate? Why is my name not good enough? His dad didn't even take is own dads name. He carries his mothers maiden name. Besides, it isn't me causing the confusion to our son, it's his dad. If he couldn't just call the kid by his name, then we'd have no issue -- but he's so hellbent on proving possession, that he can't even wait until we've settled the issue.

[singlemom1kid]

So -- if I did hyphenate, which goes first, my name, or do we just add his to the end?

And does anyone know what the actual process about all of this is? If I contest it, and he pushes the issue, then what? I've read the Service Ontario, and parts of the Family Law Act...but how long is the process? Can it be dealt with simply on a motion, or is it considered a trial issue if we're going anyways?

[Rioe]

This is like the opposite of that other thread, where the mother wants to change the child's name away from the father's, and we pretty much all agreed that there should be no name changes. In this case, the father wants to change the name away from the mother's, and suddenly we're saying she should??

The father was not too involved during the pregnancy and early time of this child's life and indicated that the mother could name the child whatever she chose. Now, years later, he has changed his mind. How is that different from the other situation, except for gender?

[Qrious]

This is like the opposite of that other thread, where the mother wants to change the child's name away from the father's, and we pretty much all agreed that there should be no name changes. In this case, the father wants to change the name away from the mother's, and suddenly we're saying she should??

The father was not too involved during the pregnancy and early time of this child's life and indicated that the mother could name the child whatever she chose. Now, years later, he has changed his mind. How is that different from the other situation, except for gender?

That's what I was thinking too, Rioe. Change it to dad's surname? Why not keep it mom's?