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Ex trying to move 72km away with my son...and so it begins

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  • Ex trying to move 72km away with my son...and so it begins

    Hey everyone,

    New to the board and hoping that i can get some feed back on my situation.

    So I'll give you a bit of a background. My ex and i separated in 07 and have one child together. We went to court and i was granted joint custody and have my son every weekend with a schedule that goes fri-mon and sun-mon. So since the separation my ex has moved 7 times in the last 4.5 years and is constantly making it hard for my son to get stability in his life unless he is with myself and my fiance. Please note that these said moves have been within the area that we live in.

    I do as much as i can to be involved in my sons life weather it is coaching him in hockey or baseball or just making sure that I am there for every event that he has.

    So here is my current situation......

    This access arrangement has been in place since day one. My ex is constantly denying me additional access to see my son (ie she will not let me take him for ice cream after baseball and drop him off at her house on my way home) and we have been to court recently (6 months ago) about this. The ink on the minutes of settlement for this matter has not even dried yet. So as i stated before my ex has moved 7 times in the last 4.5 years where i have lived in the same residence for that time with my fiance. My son has his own room and if you were to come to our home you wouldn't know that he was just there on weekends. We have said from the beginning that we do not want him to feel like he is being packed up and sent to dads so we have everything here that he would have at his moms and more. He literally just comes with what he has on.
    My fiance has known him since he was 1.5 yrs old and they have a very loving relationship and this bothers my ex. My son says he is so lucky that he has two moms that love him and refers to my fiance as Momma "name". Note that this is a name that he has come up with himself and this has not been pushed on him.

    My ex is constantly denying additional access even though it has been stated in the MOS that I am allowed to have my son extra time. She is not forthcoming with any information regarding my son and I am constantly having to do any or all research regarding him on my own because she will not give me any information.

    So in the last year and half she has moved 3 times. She just informed me last Monday that she wants to move from residence which she just moved into in Feb to her new boyfriends house (shes been with for 3 months) 72km away. I have informed her that we have joint custody and sent her a letter stating that I will not allow her move with my son but stated she can move and my son can come and live with us and she can take him every other weekend. She obviously said no! Now with this move i would be loosing my Mondays with him as well as it would be hard for me to be apart of his everyday life the way i am now. She currently lives 0.4 km away from both my sons school/daycare and her work (these are beside one another). and 5 km away from my residence. She will be keeping her job and communing to and from work from her new place 72km away. She says that she will be relocation my son to a new school in that area along with all his sports to be played there as well. Pretty much uprooting his entire life. MY sons support network, friends, family, doctor, dentist and all his sports have been played in the area since he was born.

    I have gone and seen a good lawyer and he says that there are a few things that can be done. One of which is to take her back to court and ask the court to give me primary residence due to the fact that she does not provide a stable environment for my son.

    My question is what other options are there. I believe with the joint custody that it has pretty much vetoed her moving with my son, but is there anything else that I can do?

    Please feel free to ask me anything

  • #2
    If she is not listening and is stubborn about doing what she wants, there is no other option.

    You act now, you go to court, you get an order denying the move. If you do not, she will move. There is no "option" to stop the move. If she were being reasonable you two could talk it out. The solution you gave is the reasonable one given the circumstances.

    You have written in a thought out, logical way, you've covered the important points, you must continue to do this and make the most complete, comprehensive set of arguments in favour of your child remaining in this district. That includes the constant instability on the other parent's end, it includes his sports team, friends, other relatives nearby.

    You have joint custody, but it isn't as simple as just saying no to her (although you must clearly do that as a first step.) She is just as likely to move anyway and not tell you. Something to stay on top of at this time of year, make sure the child is still registered to attend the same school in September. If not, this one of the first things to include on an affidavit.

    Comment


    • #3
      I can understand your situation as I was in a very similar one myself. Will this move make their income change, as its going to mean 2 working adults? Really, you can still see your son on the weekends so your access would not change that much, except change the days so it would be every other weekend. She and your child would benifit from being in a more stable enviroment where they can flourish and pour bowls of sunshine out of their a^& and make this super happy life of stability for your son. Do you really do all that much for your son when he is with her? Your word against hers. Yes I am bitter about my situation.
      You will have to start a motion for non removal. How long did she give you before she is moving?

      Comment


      • #4
        File for an order restricting the removal of the child from their familiar location (generally school district).

        When this all hits the fan, there will be some negotiating. What is the ex offering to you to compensate for any lost parent time and/or extra costs you may incur to exercise your parenting time?

        Is she willing to give you more time in summer. Looking at your schedule now it is hard to see if you are losing 26 overnights or possible 52 overnights. Either way, that is a lot of time to lose without being compensated in kind. I would only be willing to agree with such a change if I got 1/2 of the summer (if I was losing 26 overnights) or the whole summer (if I lost 52 overnights).

        Further, I would only agree if she were willing to either:

        a) drive to the same exchange point you use now, so you aren't responsible for any extra time or distance; or

        b) mitigate the extra costs you may incur (ie. gas money) by either giving you an equalivent amount of costs you incur or by reducing c/s by an amount equal to your increased costs of exercising your parenting time.

        But she doesn't just get to up and move without compensating you for any damages you may incur.

        Once this ends up in court, you will fight for:

        a. an order preventing either parent from removing the child from their current school district and maintain status quo; or

        b. custody to be put to you as you are the parent staying in the child school district (include a comprehensive parenting plan and how you plan on facilitating your ex's relationship with the child); or

        c. should the child be allowed to move, that the parenting time schedule be changed so that you get extra parenting time in the summer to compensate you for any lost time and that either the ex be responsible for all transportation or that c/s be reduced by an amount reasonable to cover the costs your increased costs of transportation.

        But you have to ask for the remedy. The court can't grant something you don't ask for.

        Comment


        • #5
          I would at least start with going to the court house and talking to the IRC and advice Lawyer. Possibly mediation could solve most of this problem. Of course, it takes to willing participants to enter into mediation. However, I would recommend it as a good first step because when you appear before the Judge you really take your chances.

          Comment


          • #6
            Originally posted by Age Smies View Post
            I would at least start with going to the court house and talking to the IRC and advice Lawyer. Possibly mediation could solve most of this problem. Of course, it takes to willing participants to enter into mediation. However, I would recommend it as a good first step because when you appear before the Judge you really take your chances.
            I agree with mediation (if for no other reason than appearance), but he has to prevent the removal of the child first.

            If he doesn't prevent the ex from moving the child, he will negotiating from a disadvantaged state as the ex won't have much insentive to negotiate. So it is likely that she won't agree to anything that in any way inconveniences her.

            But once he prevents the move, he can then negotiate in good faith and maybe even agree to the move.

            Comment


            • #7
              Originally posted by fireweb13 View Post
              I can understand your situation as I was in a very similar one myself. Will this move make their income change, as its going to mean 2 working adults? Really, you can still see your son on the weekends so your access would not change that much, except change the days so it would be every other weekend. She and your child would benifit from being in a more stable enviroment where they can flourish and pour bowls of sunshine out of their a^& and make this super happy life of stability for your son. Do you really do all that much for your son when he is with her? Your word against hers. Yes I am bitter about my situation.
              You will have to start a motion for non removal. How long did she give you before she is moving?
              She has a history of moving from boyfriend to boyfriend, how is this more stable?

              Yes, by losing the Mondays, he is getting downgraded from Shared Custody to Access Parent. He won't have the opportunity of picking up and dropping off at school regularly, meeting the teachers or the children's friends. Attending any sports or other activity during the week would mean a 75km trip each way.

              It doesn't improve the incomes, her boyfriend's income isn't included in Support calcualtions.

              She has gone from living with boyfriend to boyfriend in the past, that hadn't caused an "income change" either.

              The child has school, friends, presumably a family doctor, dentist, sports team, regular activities that are all going to be left behind so that the mother can sleep with a new boyfriend, for as long as it lasts. What reason is there to think that this would be any more stable?

              It's not his word against hers, it is factual that the child has a life in his current school district and nothing in the new town except a strange man living with his mother. All those facts can be shown.

              You're bitter, OK, so that is factual reason for the OP to give up and lose so much involvement with his child?

              Comment


              • #8
                She did give me a letter stating what she is offering me if she was to move away. It would be i have no involvement in my sons life at all. Everything would be there, school, sports everything. I would loose two weekends a month with him and gain 1/2 of the summer. No extra holidays nothing. I believe my only option is to go to court and ask the judge to grant me primary residence. She has no lawyer so will this be a little easier for my lawyer and i to prove....keep in mind she is a dimwit, its obvious since she is not smart enough to know that if anytime in these proceedings now would be the time to have a lawyer...

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by fireweb13 View Post
                  I can understand your situation as I was in a very similar one myself. Will this move make their income change, as its going to mean 2 working adults? Really, you can still see your son on the weekends so your access would not change that much, except change the days so it would be every other weekend. She and your child would benifit from being in a more stable enviroment where they can flourish and pour bowls of sunshine out of their a^& and make this super happy life of stability for your son. Do you really do all that much for your son when he is with her? Your word against hers. Yes I am bitter about my situation.
                  You will have to start a motion for non removal. How long did she give you before she is moving?
                  You can't be a parent when your child lives 70 km away. If she moves, you lose, the child loses. 3 month relationship and she is moving her child away from their father? She is selfish and not a good parent.

                  It is obvious to me that she does not have a right to move away with the child and should be shot down in court.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Originally posted by billm View Post
                    You can't be a parent when your child lives 70 km away. If she moves, you lose, the child loses. 3 month relationship and she is moving her child away from their father? She is selfish and not a good parent.

                    It is obvious to me that she does not have a right to move away with the child and should be shot down in court.
                    I'm hoping the judge feels that way as well. Unfortunatley some judges are still going with the bios that kids need to be with the mom. Hopefully that's changed!!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      That distance is TOO far and her reasons are selfish. Some "next guy" is in the pic _ God knows where that will go? Likely up in smoke. Wow, 3 months- there's a solid relationship. You're right, she does sound like a dimwit - and this "move" is not in any way "in the best interests of the child." Get on this right away. It requires your immediate attention.

                      FireWeb I don't know your story to be honest and it sounds like you got f*kt over and I'm sorry for that. I have heard of some brutal outcomes and perhaps yours is one of them. Remember: not all decisions in Family Court are "Final" so don't throw in the towel when it comes to seeing your kids.

                      The OP presents as a very involved parent and has the child's best interests at heart. It is not fair to uproot him like that, away from everything and everyone he knows, just b/c mom can't see past her own selfish needs. Apparently she likes moving a lot too. Sheesh, moving is a total pain in the ass, what gives with her? Does she get kicked out - wth?

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        We will have to see her arguements for this move. I was a very involved parent with EOW from Friday until Tuesday evening. Parents council at school and active in her dance class and stuff like that. It was all the fact that because our daughter had moved so many times and changed everything in her life so many times because of my ex that this move would not be negative to her. Whats another change when the child has been unstable her whole life because of mom. The move would provide that they have more money to support our daughter and therefore more stability. I also got knocked with $1800 in costs for the motion, I had an OCL report saying that the whole family unit should stay in our home town. If she has taken steps to start moving, IE given up a lease at her apartment and will have nowhere to live in the near future unless she can move, you have a big fight on your hards. Whats a bigger change, being away from Mom who has been the primary caregiver, or changing friends and schools? I was told that being with mom is less of a change then changing a neighbourhood. I did get 1 month in the summer though so that is nice. I also do half the driving. Depends on the judge really.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Just a little update on whats going on...I went and talked to my lawyer and had a great discussion with him concerning whats our next steps. He advised me that even though i let her know through and email that it would be best to have a letter drawn up and sent to her from him as well as sending a letter to the school that my ex wishes to register my son at in the fall. So i took to the letter to the school and had a great discussion with the Principle and let her know what was happening. She told me that unfortunately she sees this a lot and that she would forward the letter to the lawyer of the school board and they will advise her on what to do. Now with me having joint custody she said that it is 99.9% likely the school board will not register my son until this has been dealt with in court and i have consented to the registration....which will never happen!!

                          The other day i called and asked to talk to my son and my sons mother started asking me questions like..why are you going through a lawyer, why don't we did mediation, this isn't fair that i wont let her move and get on with her life...all i said to her was this isn't about her or I it is what is best for our son.. and him moving 80km away for her to be with a man she has known for less then 6 months isn't enough. I also told her if she has anymore to say to me that she can do it through my lawyer...

                          IMHO...i think she isn't going anywhere, but i guess we'll see. My Lawyer said if she takes off without telling me he will file and emergency court order to have him brought back to me and then he will drag it through the court system for a year or two and said he would push for a status quo on my behalf.

                          So for now it is a just sit and wait and see....

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            I had my CC yesterday and I am not really sure what to think of the whole thing. My ex was told that she would not be allowed to move at this time. The judge said because she has been with 6 different guys since we split up, he felt that my ex hasn't shown that this relationship was stable. So i am happy about that, but the judge said even though he said a move wouldn't be allowed at this time that she could try to bring a motion forward to allow her to move. The whole time that we were in the court room i believe the judge never really read our case. There is information in there that my son is having emotional and behavior issues, trouble in school and is being brain washed to want to go move with my ex and her new man. The judge went on to ask my ex if her and her new man planned on getting married...she said its a possibility and then the judge said "that will help your position".
                            I know that i have a bit of a win because she has been told that she wouldn't be able to move unless she could show stability. Both my lawyer and I came out of the court room shaking our heads because the judge pretty much told her what she had to do to make the move possible.

                            In saying that I know when we go before a motion judge all aspects of the file will be look at due to the fact that the motion judge will not want his ruling overturned at a later date, but the CC judge just gave my ex more fuel for her fire. I am going to court to protect my sons rights and there are still judges in this world biased on the fact that the child should be with the mother under all circumstances. Unbelievable!

                            I know now that this is going to be a long and drawn out battle.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              The best thing for you to do is document, document, document. Show how involved of a father you are with your child. The longer she has to stay put, the longer status quo will be in affect... I don't know your whole story, but it you have not been attending appointments, or taking time off work when the child is sick, start doing that. You never know when she may try again, but you need to start preparing now.

                              Comment

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