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  • Forced Parenting?

    After two offers to mediate, an offer to settle, and then finally a court application my ex has responded with wanting LESS access?!? I’m slightly confused by this. One side of me wants to take it and run. If you’ve read any other of my posts, the ex’s has been doing some pretty questionable things to our oldest son. The other side of me wants to slap him in the face and make him step up and be a parent. I offered a very close to a 40/60 deal with offset child support. He’s responded with every other weekend and every other Wednesday.
    So my question, is this really in the best interest of the kids? I’m sure he’ll settle down eventually and stop putting the kids in the middle, but can you really force someone to step up and do the right thing? Just feeling pretty sorry for the kids over this one. Not to mention I’m pretty pissed I’ve wasted so much money over this when he could’ve told me he wanted this months ago.
    Any thoughts on what you would do in my position.

  • #2
    I would personally take the full custody and run.

    I have been months with my ex wanting shared custody which I let him have, me paying child support, him doing questionable things to the kids, social workers involved trying to help him parent - telling him x, y, and z are inappropriate and him giving up custodial days left, right and center - so that in the last 6 months, I have actually had custody 75% of the time, 100% of the holidays but still paying CS 'cause on paper it is shared.

    Kids should interact with both parents - something I believe in strongly, but my kids have suffered for that philosophy. If I was in your position, I would grab the kids, run and say thank you.

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    • #3
      How about give him what he wants. But be open to changes in the future if dad wants more time, and he is not 'harmful' to the children it can be something you consider changing.
      I agree...my ex was reluctant to have 50/50 (for our youngest due to the work involved !), and after a few months he realized he is capable, and can wash their clothes, and can feed them and handle drop offs and pick ups. All it took was an opportunity to build that self-esteem in him.

      But...if he's asked for less, let him have it but be open to changing in the future.

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      • #4
        I agree with May_May... maybe he doesn't think he can do it, and after a while of doing it, he will have the confidence in himself to do this. By taking custody now, but being open to the idea of increased access should he wish, this allows him to step up to the plate, and if he doesn't, well you get more time with your kids.

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        • #5
          What would he do if you had tragically died instead of the marriage ending? Find someone else to look after them except for every other weekend?

          On the one hand, the children are his responsibility as much as yours, and he should be taking on his fair share, ie, half the time. On the other hand, if he's resentful and doesn't want them there, what kind of parenting is he going to provide? Difficult dilemma. But overall, I would go with what's best for the kids, and that's each parent doing their best. Which is not necessarily equal. Honestly, I think forcing him could make things worse for the kids. But leave it open for changing later, if he gets his act together.

          Do you know why he's responding with less access? Didn't you say he had a new girlfriend? Maybe he's a bit infatuated right now and would like all his time with her, but will overcome that, given time. Does he think it's what you want most, and he's trying to get some other concession out of you in return? Has he realized this increases his CS obligation? A lot of people will fight for 50-50 not for the kids but because they see it as less money going to the ex, but if he'd rather pay you more money and see the kids less, that says a whole lot about his parenting approach.

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          • #6
            We’ve been using an almost 40/60 split since September. I think Rioe might have nailed it. Kids are cramping his style at the moment, perhaps? Here’s hoping we can work towards more of a shared parenting schedule in the future.
            Thanks Everyone!

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            • #7
              Tracy. i think he needs to grow up a bit first. To be honest, one day a week and EOW is a standard bare minimum that happens all the time. Leave it open for him to increase his access when he's ready and actually wants it and isn't ditching them on his parents or watching tv. Keep pushing the joint counseling issue. The hostility will die down, just give it some time.

              So much for him wanting the control, eh?

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              • #8
                lol Thanks clean!
                I think I might ask for the counseling again when ironing out the final details.
                One last-ditch effort?

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                • #9
                  last ditch? keep asking! he needs it! Your kids need him in it.

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                  • #10
                    Originally posted by Rioe View Post
                    What would he do if you had tragically died instead of the marriage ending? Find someone else to look after them except for every other weekend?

                    This^^.

                    I often wonder the very same about my ex and if my kids are totally screwed if I do kick the bucket.

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                    • #11
                      LOL yes. Are my kids cramping my style? Totally, I have had to turn down several interested parties because I only have 1 night a week to date. (Don't feel sorry for me, a couple of other parties I didn't have to turn down.)

                      But thing is, he probably wants the free time to re-establish his life. Selfish? Yes. Typical? Yes. Point is, I can see what his motives are.

                      At some point he will be settled enough to take more time with them, or he will not. You have to decide what is right for you, and what is right for the children, but if it takes him some time to get his life in order, even if it is for crap reasons, when he is capable then decide.

                      If he was a selfless heroe, you probably wouldn't have had to divorce him.

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                      • #12
                        Originally posted by Mess View Post
                        If he was a selfless heroe, you probably wouldn't have had to divorce him.
                        haha love this!

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                        • #13
                          Mess, you have style??? heh!

                          But seriously, I get what you're saying and yes, I agree it's selfish. Where would the kids be if BOTH parents were to behave that way and bail on them. Kids first.....always kids first. Grrrrr!

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                          • #14
                            Isn't this the way that most divorces play out though? Kids last? Mine is (at least on her side). It's sad really.

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                            • #15
                              My situation w/ex is, he has access EOW and Wed afterschool. Same schedule as you say he wants.

                              As inSephell said "I'd take it and run."

                              Or in the words of comedian Russell Peters, "Take it and Go."

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