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  • Looking for a Parenting Coordinator in the GTA

    Any recommendations?

    Writing on behalf of my partner who is currently seeking 50/50 parenting time for two children ages 3 and 4.5. He and his wife have been separated for just about 2y now. She was very hurt by his leaving and has been unable to separate her feelings from what he believes is in the best interest of the children. They are both well educated with strong opinions, good jobs, and live within 4min. drive of each other.

    He currently sees the children Wednesday evenings from 5-7p and Saturdays from approx. 8:30a to 7p. Would like to transition to a 3344 schedule. Can a parenting coordinator help with that? Or do they have to go to court to get that schedule ordered before a PO can step in?

    Need one regardless for order re: school which needs resolved by January 2020.

    Much appreciated!

  • #2
    how was the original parenting time decided?

    Comment


    • #3
      She drafted a separation agreement with that schedule then threatened to take him to court and drag it out for the next 2-3 years if he didn’t sign. He signed. Then he got a lawyer, learned his rights, and is looking to have the agreement thrown out - there are several elements very biased in her favor.

      She says she’s open to 50/50 but won’t commit to a timeline or any kind of schedule. We’ve had the kids about 30% of the time in August but I expect that’s only because she needed the childcare. They had a live-in nanny who’s contract ended last month so she renewed on her own but reduced the hours. Once the kids start school / daycare next week she’ll revoke access as the nanny will take care of the kids before and after school.

      Comment


      • #4
        Originally posted by OpenSesame View Post
        She drafted a separation agreement with that schedule then threatened to take him to court and drag it out for the next 2-3 years if he didn’t sign. He signed. Then he got a lawyer, learned his rights, and is looking to have the agreement thrown out - there are several elements very biased in her favor.
        Wait- he signed the agreement BEFORE getting legal advice? Why?

        She says she’s open to 50/50 but won’t commit to a timeline or any kind of schedule. We’ve had the kids about 30% of the time in August but I expect that’s only because she needed the childcare. They had a live-in nanny who’s contract ended last month so she renewed on her own but reduced the hours. Once the kids start school / daycare next week she’ll revoke access as the nanny will take care of the kids before and after school.
        Does he have joint custody? or does mom have sole?

        Comment


        • #5
          He talked to a former family law paralegal before signing but did not talk to or retain counsel. He signed because the agreement provided for joint custody / guardianship and decision-making as well as Montessori education for the children, equal sharing of all holidays including summer break, and a review of the parenting schedule Sept. 1 of this year. There is proof that she threatened him before he signed but I also don't believe he really understood that regardless of it being a "kitchen table" agreement (witnessed by the nanny) it still carries weight. He does now.

          On the flip side, I expect it carries somewhat less weight since she has disregarded several elements of the agreement. She ignored the provision for Montessori school and enrolled the children in public, does not share holidays, and does not engage in joint decision-making.

          The result is that I believe he will move to have the entire agreement thrown out. His lawyer has said it's highly unlikely he would lose joint custody / guardianship and there's really nothing else worth preserving at this point, except maybe the division of property. Otherwise, he's been overpaying child support and other expenses since he left.

          So.. recommendations for a parenting coordinator?

          I'm a firm believer in trying to work it out. In a perfect world, we would all just get along! I understand why that's difficult but am hopeful a parenting coordinator would be able to put things into perspective for both of them and help make decisions. I do not believe mediation would work at this stage.. I've seen the communication. She's not in a place where she would be open to compromise or seeing his perspective and she has threatened to drag this out on more than one occasion. They need someone with some decision-making authority. And it's court-ordered for the school decision which is up for review in December (so they can make early enrolment for January / February if necessary).

          Also we did just send her a proposal for transitioning the children to 50/50 over the course of the next four months... nothing back yet. The answer will be no. She says her lawyer said we should work toward two overnights every 14 days (i.e. once a week) by the end of 2020. That sounds crazy to me, no?

          Comment


          • #6
            A lot of stuff you’ve included in your post doesn’t really change anything and sounds inflammatory.

            Doesn’t matter why your partner left or how angry his ex was.

            Doesn’t (legally) matter if she threatened him with litigation.

            What’s changed now, from two years ago? Other than the kids are older and easier to take care of?

            Actually what their mother is proposing isn’t nuts. A child focused PC will probably tell you transitioning toddlers to 50/50 in four months- who have only known one parent as the caregiver is actually nuts.

            My 3yr old daughter is transitioning from a similar access arrangement as dad in your case. And we’re headed to EOW and Wednesday nights- but that’s over a two year period. It’s child focused. We’re checking in with the PC once a month and will move up or back dates depending on how our D3 is doing.

            Comment


            • #7
              Also, PCs only have decision making authority if both parents give them that. Doesn’t sound like in your case- either parent would agree to that.


              What’s the big issue with school in February? Is it because they disagree whether the youngest goes to Montessori? v JK at public school?

              Comment


              • #8
                Originally posted by OpenSesame View Post
                She says she’s open to 50/50 but won’t commit to a timeline or any kind of schedule.
                In the event that you are a gullible couple who cannot see the obvious, let me state it for you:

                The mother is not open to 50/50, she is stalling. She will never voluntarily give 50/50. The only way you are getting 50/50 is in court.

                You do not need a parenting coordinator. You have nothing to coordinate. You are about to have a war with the mother, or you are about to concede completely and watch the kids fade out of your partner's life.

                I would say self-rep, but your partner already signed one really moronic agreement. He probably needs a lawyer. The fact that you were looking for a parenting coordinator leads me to believe that you do not realize the depth of the hole out of which you guys need to climb.

                Comment


                • #9
                  Originally posted by OpenSesame View Post
                  The result is that I believe he will move to have the entire agreement thrown out.
                  Kids are not the same as money.

                  If an agreement is financially unfair, then it can be thrown out. Money can be redistributed.

                  Kids though are heavily governed by status quo and best interests. Your partner currently has 0% overnights. Unless the 4 year old has developed a drug habit secondary to her employment in the sex industry, it is going to be hard to argue that mom is not doing a fine job. Four year olds are generally easy kids without problems.

                  Throwing the agreement out will have zero effect on custody. You would have to show that 50/50 is better than the current custody arrangement, which in practice means showing that the mom is screwing up somehow.


                  His lawyer has said it's highly unlikely he would lose joint custody / guardianship
                  That is true, your partner will not lose joint custody. Everyone gets joint custody except for Iona's ex.

                  What the lawyer is not mentioning is that you will almost certainly lose the case and have to pay for a portion of the ex's lawyer's costs. That might not be cheap.

                  I'm a firm believer in trying to work it out.
                  Mom has had the kid for two years. She is getting child support. Why on earth would she give that up? There is no way this is getting "worked out" to 50/50. At best your partner will get EOW and maybe one weekday. At best.

                  Also we did just send her a proposal for transitioning the children to 50/50 over the course of the next four months... nothing back yet.
                  Resend your proposal, but make it over the next two years instead of the next four months.

                  Realistically, kids are super adaptable and they could easily handle a four month changeover period. However, the courts have this belief that kids are fragile and need a lot of time to get used to a new parent. It is nonsense, but that is what they believe. They will never go for your four month transition plan.

                  She says her lawyer said we should work toward two overnights every 14 days (i.e. once a week) by the end of 2020. That sounds crazy to me, no?
                  Doesn't sound too crazy. As I said, send a new schedule, make it slightly more aggressive (3 out of 14 by the end of 2020) and then have it continue until you are 7/14 by the end of 2021.

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    As for a recommendation:

                    https://familysolutionstoronto.ca/te...e-vanbetlehem/

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      Originally posted by Tayken View Post
                      Tayken with the most useful suggestion. lol.

                      Here are four recommended by my lawyer in the GTA:


                      Stella Kavoukian - stella.connections@gmail.com
                      Shely Polak - shely.polak@gmail.com
                      Howard Hurwitz - howardhhurwitz@gmail.com
                      Christine Kim - info@christinekimmediation.com

                      I heard very good things about Howard Hurwitz, but he was fully booked and not accepting new families when I was looking (but that was last November).
                      Last edited by iona6656; 09-03-2019, 10:21 AM.

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                        Also, PCs only have decision making authority if both parents give them that. Doesn’t sound like in your case- either parent would agree to that.


                        What’s the big issue with school in February? Is it because they disagree whether the youngest goes to Montessori? v JK at public school?
                        She wants a PC involved at this point. He took her to court over school.. not all the way. They settled at the courthouse. But she was pretty pissed.

                        And yes they disagree about public versus private Montessori school. He’s a former public school teacher for high school math. Firm believer that Montessori education is best and there would be no cost for her to send them. She doesn’t want to do it though because it’s far (30min drive). Her nanny can walk the kids to and from the local public school. Montessori isn’t worth the commitment in her view.

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          Originally posted by iona6656 View Post
                          What's changed now, from two years ago? Other than the kids are older and easier to take care of?

                          Actually what their mother is proposing isn’t nuts. A child focused PC will probably tell you transitioning toddlers to 50/50 in four months- who have only known one parent as the caregiver is actually nuts.
                          What has changed is that the father moved to live within 4 minutes drive of her home (previously he was 1h30 away). This happened November 2018.

                          Is it really fair to say they’ve only known one parent as caregiver? She’s not a SHM. She leaves the house at 7:30a and returns at 6:30p each day. The real caregiver is the live-in nanny who is with them 24/7. Part of his struggle and issue is that he’s so close and able to take care of them but the nanny has more rights than he does at this point. He’s been seeing them consistently on Wednesday’s and weekends and takes them to extracurriculars during the week because she can’t.

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by OpenSesame View Post
                            What has changed is that the father moved to live within 4 minutes drive of her home (previously he was 1h30 away). This happened November 2018.
                            who moved when they separated?

                            Is it really fair to say they’ve only known one parent as caregiver?
                            Yes.

                            As to the battle- you want to listen to what Janus said.

                            She’s not a SHM. She leaves the house at 7:30a and returns at 6:30p each day. The real caregiver is the live-in nanny who is with them 24/7. Part of his struggle and issue is that he’s so close and able to take care of them but the nanny has more rights than he does at this point. He’s been seeing them consistently on Wednesday’s and weekends and takes them to extracurriculars during the week because she can’t.
                            So what? Those are my hours too sometimes. Most days I'm home by 5:30...but shockingly- some days I don't even see my kid before work as I go in early or (gasp!) go to the gym before work. My mother is my daughter's before and afterschool care. Prior to her starting preschool- she was essentially her "nanny". Is your argument that the nanny does all the parenting? do you have evidence that mom is at the clubs on weeknights instead of putting kids to bed?

                            My ex tried that argument that he's available to be before and afterschool care. Our PC said what the courts will say: childcare on mom's time is covered by mom. Childcare on dad's time is covered by dad.

                            PCs are useful- they are. But both parents need to go into it with a realistic expectation of what they would get in court. From there- work it backwards and get the PC to help do a child focused transitional schedule.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Originally posted by Janus View Post
                              The mother is not open to 50/50, she is stalling. She will never voluntarily give 50/50. The only way you are getting 50/50 is in court.

                              You do not need a parenting coordinator. You have nothing to coordinate. You are about to have a war with the mother, or you are about to concede completely and watch the kids fade out of your partner's life.
                              I wholeheartedly agree. She's just stalling. Is it a war he can win though?

                              If an agreement is financially unfair, then it can be thrown out. Money can be redistributed.
                              It is financially unfair. At least that is his opinion. His lawyer agrees. Even his ex's lawyer acknowledges so.. I think it's safe to say that section will be set aside.

                              Kids though are heavily governed by status quo and best interests. Your partner currently has 0% overnights.
                              She has actually just capitulated and they are now moving to a new schedule which is 3:30p - 7p on Wednesdays (an extension of 1.5h) and Friday from 3:30p overnight to Saturday at 7p which now adds an overnight and increases his visit to include a third day (previously just one day on the weekend from 8:30a-7p). She did this on instruction from her lawyer that if she went to court over the overnights she would lose.

                              Is best interests not governed by the principle of "maximum contact"? Somewhere along this journey that came up so I have been operating under the assumption that the courts believe it is in the best interests of the children to maximize contact with both parents, so long as there is no impediment (i.e. they're both good citizens, live reasonably close, etc.). Am I wrong in thinking that?

                              Resend your proposal, but make it over the next two years instead of the next four months.
                              Personally (as a mother myself) I thought the schedule was a bit aggressive although I agree with you that children are extremely adaptable. My gut feeling is that the most important part of any transition is exercising it with confidence (i.e. if it's clear mom or dad is unhappy they can make it more difficult for the children by charging the situation).

                              He is getting a new lawyer so at this point I don't think we'll be sending anything but I will definitely make the suggestion to revise the schedule. The first lawyer was nice but hasn't been able to give any clear direction about anything. Soon as she talks us into one path she starts talking us out of it... maybe that's just lawyers for you!

                              Comment

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