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  • Communication

    I am looking for advise as to what would be the best and most positive form of communication with my wife regarding our two boys.
    Please keep in mind that I do not wish to speak to her in person as this tends to lead to continuous accusations and often changes in topic relating to the legalities of what we are going through.
    I have tried being amicable with verbal telephone conversation but I always find myself by the end of our discussions manipulated no matter how hard I try to prevent it, to formulate or engage in an argument.
    Conversely there never seems to be any closure on the topic at hand...which is the boys.
    If feel it's best to leave the legalities to the lawyers and daily child issues the only communication tabled at this time.
    My wife does not have email and I wish to have documented proof of my concerns that I address with her for future reference, if the need was required.
    Maybe there is someone out there that has overcome this obstacle ensuring interests for myself regarding the boys are documented and addressed.

    Kind regards,
    Chopper

  • #2
    Chopper, I think your best bet would be to have your ex get an e-mail account. Does she at least have a computer? I found this article for you:

    Helping Separated Parents Communicate…

    By Gary Direnfeld, MSW


    Communication between separated or divorced parents can be problematic. Depending on the age, health and circumstances of the child, these parents may find it necessary to communicate with each other anywhere from several times daily to at least weekly. The ties and demands of parenthood require parents to maintain a connection and communicate.

    For some parents, unresolved or ongoing conflict cause communications to degenerate which only leads to more difficulties. With this in mind several strategies are often suggested such as telephone contact or written notes via a communication book. Both of these strategies can be problematic.

    The telephone requires hearing the emotional tone of the conversation and because of the immediacy of the message, can easily lead to the conversation degenerating. Sometimes one or other parent will tape the conversations for use in court, but then it becomes questionable if this party goaded the other to increase conflict for the taped conversation. Further, clandestine taping inflames the already bad feelings of the other parent who may seek retribution.

    Communication books or notes have the benefit of providing a permanent record and keeps the parents apart, but poses two other concerns. The first is that parents usually rely on the child to act as courier. This places the child directly in the middle of the parental conflict and often subjects the child to the immediate emotional response of the parent as they read the message. Second, if the message is only delivered at the time of access, this makes planning difficult. Quite often, communication requires a back and forth dialogue to accomplish agreements as simple as access arrangements. When using notes or a communication book, the messages often take the form of directives from one parent to the other with the alternate parent feeling either controlled of lacking input into decisions. So as a solution, this too can contribute to ongoing conflict between parents.

    Enter Email. Email provides an alternative communication tool to help parents transmit a message. It allows thinking or a cooling off period prior to replying and provides for a permanent record. The use of email keeps the communication away from the child and removes some of the emotional impact carried by voice. Because parents can respond back and forth, it also allows for discussion and dialogue and so reduces the risk of one parent just providing directives as in the case of the communication book. The email trail can be reviewed if one or other parent has missed a point and also serves as a clear reference if a parent forgets the content of an agreement. The electronic record, known to both, can easily be printed by either and as such, both are more likely to remain on good behavior knowing the record can be used in court or otherwise be made public.

    Next time separated parents in conflict need to chat about their child where conflict exists try email, but consider these guidelines:

    1. Stick to the issues.
    2. Keep the language clean and appropriate. No insults and no name-calling.
    3. Prepare and save your message. Wait 1 - 24 hours to review and edit before sending or replying. Upon reflection, you may want to make changes.
    4. Keep a record and back-up these files.
    5. Password-protect these files to keep them out of view of your child.
    6. Remember, these emails can be used in court and your child may still gain access. Do not act in a way that can be used against yourself.

    Emails are not the same as therapy. As a communication strategy this is not recommended to necessarily make a poor situation better, but it is suggested as a potential solution to keep a poor situation from getting worse. In the event that there is court ordered restrictions on face-to-face or voice contact, email may provide a reasonable solution for parents to still communicate.

    Comment


    • #3
      Another alternative is a communication log book. This log book could travel with the children and only to be used for issues concerning the children.

      Remember this log book could be entered into evidence by either party if inappropriate statements are entered by either parent.

      However, it is a win win situation for the children as each parent would be fully informed in regards to the children's health and welfare.

      I have read quit a few cases where this technique was used and was successful.

      LV

      Comment


      • #4
        Irony

        It is very ironic that this subject came up as I have just gone through this exact same thing. Without going into lengthy detail, I have an ex who is very verbally abusive towards me in spite of the probation order which indicates he is not to be. This past weekend I finally had enough and it was suggested to me that I demand he stop calling me and correspond via email only. I have since requested this. He is not pleased by it, but he has not called me since. I have my boys call him directly at very specific times so that he knows it will be them. You have no idea how relieving it is to not have to hear his tone and endless derogatory comments towards me. I have a co-worker who uses the communication log book at well with his ex and he finds it very helpful, but did say that he uses it more than his ex. Anything in writing is to your benefit I believe and removes the emotion of the situation which can cause its own set of problems.

        Julie

        Comment


        • #5
          Re communicationbook

          I wish I could have the good fortune that some of you have regarding the communicaton books. I guess I'll just have to accept the fact that my ex thinks that she is "special" and that it is " her " communication book. For example she will not anwer questions of the following nature " Why is Erik on lactaid milk? Has he been tested ,or has he tested positive for lactose intolerance or milk protein allergies ? Who conducted these tests and what were the results? If he has a lactose intolerance has he been put on a specific diet by the family doctor, pediatrician ,or dietician?
          She feels that informing me that my son is on lactaid milk is sufficient.
          Frankly she only wishes to communicate about heath issues and the communication is sparse at best. My questions are seldom answered
          Does any one have any ideas on how to make this better--- short of the obvious?

          Comment


          • #6
            Brokendad,

            Under the children's law reform act, Ontario, you do have the right to make inquires in regards to the health and welfare of your child,

            Moreover, it is the same right as the other parent! This inquiry would include and health professional or any other individual, institution that has dealings with your child.

            If your ex is not co-operating, your evidence is already in the communication book! that an inquiry has been asked!

            One of the things the courts will look at is how a custodial parent has acted and ignoring matters that effect the health and welfare of your child is abuse in itself.


            In the following jurisprudence;

            http://www.canlii.org/on/cas/oncj/2004/2004oncj157.html

            Paragraph 12

            [12] The law that she needed to keep in mind is essentially this:

            (a) Before the parental separation, she and the father had equal entitlement to the custody of this child. When they separated and the child continued in her care with the consent or acquiescence of Mr. J.W., she gained the authority temporarily to exercise the rights and responsibilities of custody until a separation agreement or court order provided otherwise. See subsection 20(7). Mr. J.W.’s exercise of his entitlement to custody and the incidents of custody were suspended, not ended. Such suspension remains in place only until a separation agreement or court order provides otherwise. See subsection 20(4). The sort of separation agreement meant by this provision is one that is a valid separation agreement under Part IV of the Family Law Act, R.S.O. 1990, c. F-3, as amended. See subsection 18(1). There is no such agreement in this case.

            (b) She was given an ex parte order for temporary custody of M.P.R.W. when she first came before the court on 8 January 2001. At the best of times, temporary orders are temporary solutions for a child’s ongoing care pending resolution of the court case. Those orders are made on partial and untested evidence. A temporary order made without proper notice of the motion to the child’s other parent is the most temporary of temporary orders, resting as it does on evidence not even exposed at that point to the other parent.

            (c) Ms. Z. has enjoyed her temporary custody over such a protracted time, not because judges in the course of judicial case management have decided in her favour on the ultimate outcome of what is in this child’s best interests, as she argues, but because the child’s father has supported the child’s remaining in her primary care.

            (d) A custody order is not a right granted for the benefit of a parent. It is a legal mechanism through which a parent discharges responsibilities to the child and it is a heavy responsibility. The Act requires the person entrusted with custody, whether it be under the authority of a temporary or a final order, to exercise those rights and responsibilities, not in the parent’s best interests, but in the ongoing best interests of the child — see subsection 20(2) — and in tune with statutory and court-ordered obligations that are part and parcel of that custody responsibility.

            e) Not suspended, when parents separate and the child remains in the care of one of them, is the other parent’s entitlement to access to their child — an entitlement that includes the right to visit with and be visited by the child. See subsection 20(4) and subsection 20(5).

            Ms. A.Z. has had no right, by virtue of her temporary custody order or in the period prior to any court order, to deny the child access to his father or to dictate the terms of that child’s access

            (f) Not suspended when parents separate and their child remains in the care of one of them is the entitlement of the other parent to information bearing on the child — an entitlement identical to that of the parent with actual custody to make inquiries and be given information as to the health, education and welfare of the child. See subsection 20(4) and subsection 20(5).
            Ms. A.Z. has had no right, by virtue of her temporary custody, to withhold information bearing of the child’s well being from the father.


            and paragraphs 63, 64, 65 and 66

            4.7: On the Mother’s Management of Her Information Sharing Responsibility

            [63] Over the course of this litigation, this mother has shown no particular interest in keeping the father in the information “loop” on matters affecting the wellbeing of their son. It was her evidence that the father has never asked. On the whole of the evidence, I find that he could certainly have been asking more often, but I am satisfied that he did attempt to gain information and was deflected. His outreach to the child’s physician earlier in the case produced no information but rather a response that suggested a real animosity towards him. The court had given him opportunity to get to know the child’s day-care providers when he collected M.P.R.W. for access. That was scuttled when the child was removed from that day care. It was evident in the trial that this father had had no meaningful information about the interventions that awaited M.P.R.W. at the close of the trial. Not even the identity of certain of the clinicians was made known to him, or indeed to the court, until the trial was stood down so that the mother could obtain the information by telephone.

            [64] I did not conclude, on the whole of the evidence, that Mr. J.W. was disinterested in the M.P.R.W.’s well being, as the mother had argued. He did choose not to battle with Ms. A.Z. for information about M.P.R.W. It was not unreasonable, with so much else in dispute, to proceed on the basis that, as she learned to share M.P.R.W., she would learn to share information about M.P.R.W. The result for the boy was nonetheless a father who had no input into the various medical and other interventions arranged for him by his mother, no information flowing to the father about the need for those interventions, no opportunity for him to be supported through those interventions by his father and a father flying blind on what, if anything, apart from what the mother was demanding of him, the child needed from him during their times of access in relation to those interventions; whether it be special care, special foods, special provisions.

            [65] I am satisfied by the evidence that the father did ask for information about the well being of this boy and was deflected to the point where he chose not to press the issue. It did not signal that he was not worried about the child.

            [66] A reasonable parent, centred on the child’s well being, does not exclude the other parent from information bearing on the child’s well being. To do that suggests that there is something secretive about the information. Concern about secrecy and what may be underlying the secrecy festers over time. This child needs and is entitled to have openness between his parents on all matters bearing on his well being.

            Comment


            • #7
              Communication Book

              I'm not that keen on these communication books that travel back and forth between the kids. I think it puts the kids in an awkward position, especially if they are old enough to read. Almost like they are the "middle man", for the bickering parents.

              Comment


              • #8
                I agree with Grace on the middleman issue. My first suggestion of using email has already been thrown down. Another would be to maybe have a third party present as a sort of mediator for the conversation. A mutual respected friend perhaps?

                Comment


                • #9
                  the intent of a communication journal is for communication between the parents on the well being, health of the child. ie: Dr. apointments, results of same, medication, homework assignments extra curricular activities and so forth. It is not to be used for insults, defaming, interogation etc of the other parent.

                  When communication problems exist between parents regardless of the custody situation, relevent items that effect the child on their health and wellbeing should be openly communicated. To not communicate this information to the other parent is not acting in the child's best interest.

                  Children are often used for middleman communication - Many examples of this would be when the school or extra curricular activity of the child's sends a consent form, newsletter, report card, or school pictures home with the child to be completed by the parent or just for the parent's knowledge.

                  Both parents are equally entitled to make inquiries on the health and welfare of their child until a court orders otherwise. This is independent of the custody situation in place.

                  This provision can be inferred from the Children's Law Reform Act R.S.O 1990, c.F3 and also the Divorce Act(Canada)



                  Divorce Act (Canada)

                  http://laws.justice.gc.ca/en/D-3.4/2...tml#rid-235073

                  Section 16, subsection 5

                  Access

                  (5) Unless the court orders otherwise, a spouse who is granted access to a child of the marriage has the right to make inquiries, and to be given information, as to the health, education and welfare of the child.

                  and

                  Childrens Law Reform ACT RSO 1990,c. C.12.

                  http://www.e-laws.gov.on.ca/DBLaws/S...c12_e.htm#BK23

                  Section 20, subsection 5

                  Access

                  (5) The entitlement to access to a child includes the right to visit with and be visited by the child and the same right as a parent to make inquiries and to be given information as to the health, education and welfare of the child. R.S.O. 1990, c. C.12, s. 20 (5).

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Communication Book

                    Hi Guys,

                    Last Friday I ended up purchasing a communition journal.
                    I bought a nice one, hard cover.
                    Like I said in the beginning phone conversations tend to not draw any conclusion so I think this is the best way to go for the time being seeing as though see doesn't have eamil.
                    I started using it and asking questions about the boys and entered daily over the course of the weekend and when I had them this week.
                    One of my questions of my ex was whether or not she had heard from the school in regards to having a meeting with the teachers.
                    I signed my sons report card in the beginning of March requesting a meeting on the last page...you know...the signed copy that has to go back to the school.
                    Well low and behold....ring...ring..."Hi this is your sons teacher" this was two days ago.
                    Long story short, my sons teacher said she only recieved it that day....hmmmm funny eh?
                    Well in the past three days I have talked with my sons teachers everyday and now have set up appointments for next week to discuss our situation and determining a plan to ensure I am aware of everything that is going on at school.
                    I have been informed that the boy's are adjusting very well and they are both doing very well contrary to what I've been told by their mother.
                    All I've been hearing from her was that the it's not good for the boys to stay with me on week nights and bla...bla...bla.
                    In a nut shell they are doing really well and the teachers will back me on this.

                    Here's the kicker though....she won't use it or not so far anyways!
                    It was returned but nothing answered or answered.
                    Hmmmm.... maybe she doesn't have any pens....or .......maybe the boy's took them all or something.
                    I have to remember in my own personal journal that I remind myself to send it back with a pen just in case she doesn't have one.

                    I will continue to use it and I will continue to ensure my boy's best interest is being taken care of....just like when we all lived together.

                    She doesn't want to use it....fine!
                    That not really in the best interest of the kids on her part.



                    Kind regards,
                    Chopper

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I agree with Grace that the child can be used as a middleman when a communication journal is being passed between parents, but in some high conflict situations, it may be the only option. Not having a communication system in place could result in information being passed on through the child verbally. This could be especially damaging to the child if one or both parents feels anger towards the other, and as a result messages being passed on may be negatively charged.

                      E-mail is a great idea, especially when the children are old enough to read, but it may be unreliable. For example, a parent could claim that they did not receive an e-mail from the other informing him/her of the child's next doctor's appointment.

                      Another option is communicating via Xpresspost. This does not involve the child and a signature is required upon receipt of each package. You would find yourself at the post office a lot, but at least you would be sure that the other parent is getting your information.

                      Good for you Chopper! Despite the lack of involement from the mother, I still think it's a good idea to keep everything written down.

                      Lindsay

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        Chopper,

                        what you have shown is you have made inquiries to the wellbeing of your children, and your inquires have gone un-answered. Your ex can always say she never saw the book, but send her a registered letter advising her that you have unanswered questions concerning the children's health and welfare and you wish her co-operation in completing the journal. Ask the un-answered questions in your letter. Moreover, send the letter by registered mail to prove she received same.

                        If your questions goes unanswered in the journal and in the letter, you will have at this point sufficient evidence to bring the matter to court and get yourself an order in place to deal with this issue. Your ex may have some explaining to do as to why the inquiries were not answered. Until a court orders otherwise, you do have the right to make inquires in regards the children's health and welfare, the same equal right as the other parent!

                        As mentioned in the Jurisprudence I cited, the courts will see the situation for what it is. Be calm, cool, pleasant and respectiveful in the communication and inquires.

                        Comment

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