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  #11  
Old 09-11-2019, 01:48 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Janus View Post
If I am dating somebody they generally just know that I am divorced and that I share custody.


Inevitably, if they are with me long enough they get to witness first hand how my ex is an intolerable individual, but there is no specific "today I'm letting loose the floodgates of information" date. Usually I'll start dropping hints along the lines of "well, she has done this before".


There is some value in a dating prospect understanding the person I deal with. I may not be married to my ex, or talk to her much at all, but we are still very much involved in each other's lives via the children.
so what happens when they find out about your ex and the Drama?


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From the other perspective, some women have told me a lot about their ex, others not very much. I didn't find one approach to be better than the other.
did timing matter to you? say 1 month in, versus- 6...?
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  #12  
Old 09-11-2019, 01:58 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by Mom 2 Two View Post
This is a very tough one....
I think at some point when you feel things are continuing to move forward.. you should tell this person about the violence. Perhaps not in grave detail at that moment. See how they handle it and react to it.

That new person does have a right to know what they are getting involved with I think...
Yeah- well that's the question- what they are getting involved with...from my perspective- htey're getting involved with nothing right now. He's not meeting my kid. The way I view it- if I'm not in a "relationship"- I don't need to start unpacking my baggage.

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how do you think you ex is going to react when he finds out your dating? Will he handle it ok? Or will it make him angry?

Has it been a while since your split??
1.5 years since separation. We're *this* far away from divorce.

I don't know how he will take it. But I don't plan on him knowing anything.

I did agree to the whole "partners" clause in our parenting plan because he strongly wanted one. Whatever, it's compromise. I don't like it, but it's mostly unenforceable- AND I do feel that it's right if someone is going to be in our daughter's life- the other parent should be able to meet with them and know them. But again- that's not my situation now. No one new is going to be in my daughter's life for a very long time.

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My ex did things I never thought he was capable of. Drive by my home when he had the kids and texted me saying he knew I had someone Over because of the car in the driveway.... and this was well after we moved apart... and then sent insulting texts about it. It was very hard for my ex to accept.. once I put up firm boundaries and let him know I was putting up with that it stopped. But I felt badly for how bad he was hurting... my ex seemed to think that I moved and it was temporary.... even though I never have any indication of such...

I had to dial it back and not have hat person over for a while...
What did the guy you were seeing think?? That kind of shit. Wow. And social media. My ex's friends are still all over my social media. I'm sure they still keep him informed (he doesn't use SM). It's fine- I don't post anything personal about myself. But yeah- that's the kind of stuff I'm a bit worried about.

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Then with my current partner now... he really didn’t tell me the dynamic of his and his ex’s relationship and breakup until we were too far in... and I was really resentful and hurt... it was a very odd situation and I felt like I was put on the spot as to whether I could accept what his past was... and now how his present needed to change because of his past...
how long before he let you know? Do you think you would've felt differently if he had been more upfront at the beginning?
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  #13  
Old 09-11-2019, 02:05 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Default When and how do you tell someone new about “the ex”?

Then really what you want is a friend not a new partner so I wouldn’t worry too much. I think if you are up front with a “he” who is a friend then it should be ok. I had plenty of male friends in my teens and twenties. Guys now are tied to their women so its hard to have male friends. Your interests are very male related so I say jump in with a friend and do fun stuff. Who knows, there may be an attached guy out there with a wife that thinks comic con is ridiculous!!

Last edited by rockscan; 09-11-2019 at 02:14 PM.
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  #14  
Old 09-11-2019, 02:17 PM
Mom 2 Two Mom 2 Two is offline
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Yeah- well that's the question- what they are getting involved with...from my perspective- htey're getting involved with nothing right now. He's not meeting my kid. The way I view it- if I'm not in a "relationship"- I don't need to start unpacking my baggage.







1.5 years since separation. We're *this* far away from divorce.



I don't know how he will take it. But I don't plan on him knowing anything.



I did agree to the whole "partners" clause in our parenting plan because he strongly wanted one. Whatever, it's compromise. I don't like it, but it's mostly unenforceable- AND I do feel that it's right if someone is going to be in our daughter's life- the other parent should be able to meet with them and know them. But again- that's not my situation now. No one new is going to be in my daughter's life for a very long time.





What did the guy you were seeing think?? That kind of shit. Wow. And social media. My ex's friends are still all over my social media. I'm sure they still keep him informed (he doesn't use SM). It's fine- I don't post anything personal about myself. But yeah- that's the kind of stuff I'm a bit worried about.



how long before he let you know? Do you think you would've felt differently if he had been more upfront at the beginning?


How do I do what you guys do?? Lol where I put only parts of your message in.... and answer them.

So the guy I was seeing was fine with it as he knew I had been moved on for quite some time being in my own home. He wanted to be protective of me... but I assured him it would die down... and thankfully it did...

As for my current partner who I have now been with for almost 4 years...

Yes I think if I had known ahead of time I may have taken things waaay slower... the dynamics of his last relationship is now bringing up issues in our current relationship... I tend to end up rescuing men... I didn’t see it that way until I spoke to a therapist about it... my partner was the one who insisted on moving in with me... and I was hesitant... but he assured me it would be for the better.

I agree with you Iona to an extent. I don’t want to ever be married again... I already am doing the living with.... and I wish I had kept to myself longer than I did. I am very independent... and that was an issue for quite some time... I like my home... my space... my time... yet it is also nice to have a partner around to compliment that. It’s complicated. ;-/.


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  #15  
Old 09-11-2019, 04:13 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Then really what you want is a friend not a new partner so I wouldn’t worry too much. I think if you are up front with a “he” who is a friend then it should be ok. I had plenty of male friends in my teens and twenties. Guys now are tied to their women so its hard to have male friends. Your interests are very male related so I say jump in with a friend and do fun stuff. Who knows, there may be an attached guy out there with a wife that thinks comic con is ridiculous!!
lol. do you mean 'friend' (lower case 'f') or 'Friend' (*wink wink nudge nudge*)? Because it's the definitely the latter that I'm actually looking for.

As to the former- yeah, it's hard to form a friendship with attached men. And I'll be honest- I think that's rightly so. Let us all remember what Chris Rock said about "women's platonic friends". Dick in a glass case.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zywIR_ZFLts
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  #16  
Old 09-11-2019, 04:27 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Hahaha you go get yours!! Really, if he’s worried about your past and you are worried about him pitying you, you’re doing it wrong.

Stop overthinking it and approaching it like a lawyer. Jump in and have some fun!! Be assertive enough to say “yah Im done with you, thanks.”
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  #17  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:13 PM
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Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
so what happens when they find out about your ex and the Drama?
Usually by that point they have seen me as a person and as a parent. The antics of a third party over whom I have no control tend not to matter as much by that point. I haven't been in that many relationships post-divorce (I'm busy, despite how much I seem to post on this forum) but my ex has never been an issue.

Quote:
did timing matter to you? say 1 month in, versus- 6...?
First couple of dates, if a woman spends her time talking about her ex I tend to presume that she is still not over the relationship.

For me, and of course this is only my opinion, about 3 months in is a good time to start complaining about the ex.
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  #18  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:17 PM
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I actually lol'd at this- because this is exactly my goal- I just need someone to go to fan expo with...and bonus points if they'll wear a costume.
Heh.

My first year post divorce, I wanted to go to fan expo and had nobody to go with, and I got all depressed about it.

I'm not even a major comic fan at all. I just used to go most years and didn't want to go alone.

I don't wear costumes, I'm mathy, not artistic. Also, costumes tend to be very stuffy for guys. I'd probably wear the more stereotypical female costume, those look comfortable.
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  #19  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:20 PM
rockscan rockscan is offline
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Iona! You and Janus can go!!
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  #20  
Old 09-12-2019, 03:24 PM
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Iona! You and Janus can go!!
It just happened a few weeks ago.. alas.

Also, I had the kids this year, couldn't go anyway. I desperately would love for them to love it, but I'm not sure if they are geeky enough. A clear failure of parenting on my part of course.
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