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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 09-06-2018, 12:59 PM
Fatherofgirls Fatherofgirls is offline
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Default Custody and access with OCL

Hello, looking for some advice with OCL recommendation and how to proceed.

Background
My ex and I separated early last year after she was having and affair and chose to move on. We have two young girls together, 2 and 4 at the time. During the early separation, she came over with her parents, bullied me into a child sharing schedule that she wanted because the car was hers and I didn't have a way to get my youngest to day care easily. I told her I was getting a car asap and wanted a different schedule, the schedule she had me at was like 3 days a week and I was used to taking care of the girls as their primary care taker. I borrowed a car two weeks later from a family member and later bought one. Once I did so, I requested a change in schedule. We never really agreed but I went ahead and implemented the schedule, the kids were not doing well without me and they were faking sick so I would come pick them up and their school work was not getting done with their mother. This schedule was Mon morning to Friday afternoon, they would go with their mother on the weekend, every weekend. This schedule has been in place ever since, about a year and a half. The only exception to this was last summer where she made up that i was stalking her, refused to return the kids and filed for court. Through lawyers, she admitting to fabricating the allegation and said she did it to enforce her child sharing schedule, I had to agree to it for the remainder of summer to get my life back, I didn't see them for a month.

Since we have separated, she has filed a couple false police reports for stalking, I have been lucky enough to have alibis during these claims. The police have dismissed them without incident.

She is difficult to deal with, she does not answer messages to plan events or holiday sharing. She refuses to share most holidays, on the odd occasion that she agrees, it is only for an hour or two. She would not let me see my daughter on her birthday (it fell on a weekend). While she expects, and I provide, time for her on their birthday when it fell on my days. She has asked for additional time with the girls during my time, I have tried to work with her, usually offering time in exchange for a holiday or part of it. On two separate occasions we made a deal and I followed through, she did not.

She has refused to help my daughter with her home work. Last year she only helped her a few times, there is a signed off sheet for her homework that shows this. I also keep a log of the condition I send them in, what I send them with and how the return, this includes when I send homework. My ex never goes to any school events, even though I send her notices for every one. I attended all events possible, I think I only missed 2 all year.

Another issue is the home life with their mother. She lives with her new boyfriend and her 8 year old son. The son has behavioral issues. He often targets my daughter's while there. He will bully them; swear at them, tell them he hates them, gives them the finger, kicks and punches them, etc. The result of this exposure is that my kids often don't want to go back when this happens. They also then pick up this behaviour, eg. hitting each other, swearing at home and at school. When this started here, it took me 2-3 weeks to get it out of my girls while here and at school. I've been hearing the same stories about this kids behaviour for over a year. When I bought this up to my ex, she would deny it ever happened. Thus circle continued for 6 months. It wasn't until FACS and the police got involved that her story changed. Her BF came with her one drop off and out of the blue, threatened to kill me and dared me to fight him, I slammed the door in his face without saying a word. This all happened in front of my kids.

I take the girls to all their Dr and dentist appointments, I notify her of all times. She typically doesn't respond, and has only been only been a few. Of they need to go to the clinic for urgent Care, I let her know before I leave. She has been taking the girls to the clinic without notifying me. She just shows up with meds for the girls.

We have had disagreements over which daycare my youngest should be in ( necessitated by my ex cancelling our daycare provider when she withheld them from me). I ended up signing my daughter up for the daycare of my choice once my mother and i ran out of vacation time watching her and my ex refused to consider any other choice. I disapproved of the facility, for safety and development reasons. I also wanted to sign my daughter up for French school this year and my ex didn't want to, she did no research into the program, didn't attended any info sessions. She remained in English school.

It's pretty messy and there are several other issues but I feel these are the big ones.

OCL

The OCL clinician did what felt like a pretty light investigation. She met with me twice and her twice and observed the girls with me and then with her. She called the dr, the school, and daycare. According to the ocl, all said my daughters were healthy and developing well, they had no concerns. This was the extent of her research. She did not call or want the contact information of any other care professionals, family members, or 3rd parties. During our last interview, she brought 4 concerns from my ex, all addressed above, essential saying that I didn't provide her with any info or communicate with her. I sent her many text message screen shots and scans of my logs messages disproving all claims.

Then the disclosure meeting happens. She dismisses all of my concerns- citing lies told to her by my ex as justification, no evidence cited. She backs my ex, did not cite any proof beyond a few text messages where she claims I was being aggressive and difficult because I told my ex to "chill out", nothing vulgar.

Her recommendation was an alternating schedule where my ex would increase access to Friday morning to Monday morning one week, week two she gets the same but she also gets them Wednesday morning to Thursday morning. Essentially expanding her access on Friday's and Wednesday's. She called this 50/50 and I almost laughed. Wednesday's and Friday's are my days off. I have been relying on PD days and holidays( when my ex feels like sharing ), to actually do day trips with my kids and spend quality time with them. As is this is fairly rare. Summer was nice because I got 1 full day and most of Friday to do stuff with them. This schedule amounts to removing 3/4 of this time. I would get like 12 days a year of full days, this includes summer and holidays. Not to mention I would only see them 3 school days a week half the time for 10 months of the year. She recommend restrictions on activities, that we are not to attend activities together, including school, unless it is a major event. She doesn't want us to talk unless through a family software program. But she wants us to have joint custody. She pretty much just did everything my ex wanted. I don't see how she felt this was reasonable considering this would cripple my ability to have a meaningful relationship with my kids and her custody recommendation seems to go against her own recommendations.

I haven't seen the full report yet but this seems like a disaster everyone here talks about.

Any ideas on the best way to fight this?
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  #2  
Old 09-06-2018, 01:11 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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Communication: use My Family Wizard, this documents everything.
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Old 09-06-2018, 01:57 PM
Fatherofgirls Fatherofgirls is offline
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I have heard good things about that program, I suspect we will end up using it or something like it. Right now we text exclusively, I backup and save them all. I believe this will pay off eventually.
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Old 09-06-2018, 02:10 PM
PeacefulMoments PeacefulMoments is offline
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Perhaps a 2255 schedule would be a better 50/50 schedule. She has Mon and Tue overnight every week, you have Wed and Thurs overnight every week and FSS alternate. This would accommodate your Wed off and still be 50/50 which is generally best for the kids.
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Old 09-06-2018, 02:41 PM
Fatherofgirls Fatherofgirls is offline
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To be honest, I prefer what we currently have and intend to try to keep it this way. The kids are doing well, as evidenced by all the professionals. This also allows me to keep up their school work, something she will not do.

Parenting time wise (time actually spent with the kids) it's about the same.

I also work a lot on Saturday and Sunday to make up for the short shifts I work during the week 9-3, even if I had them Saturday and Sunday, I would only see them for a couple hours on the morning.
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Old 09-06-2018, 02:54 PM
PeacefulMoments PeacefulMoments is offline
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A long term durable parenting plan may not be the outcome when based solely on one parents convenience and work schedule. What happens when work schedules change? Plus it seems best for the kids to have both weekend and school time with both parents. I can see no evidence of mom being abusive or otherwise unfit to have 50/50. Your oldest cannot be more than 5 if she was 4 last year and your youngest is not yet in school. Homework cannot be the huge issue you are trying to make it.
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Old 09-06-2018, 03:25 PM
Fatherofgirls Fatherofgirls is offline
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Both kids are in school this year. Last year she helped my daughter with her readings 3 times all year. I was doing them with her when I got them on Monday. The year before, she contributed minimally. She had no interest in being involved with school, she went to 2 events all last year.

The plan we have in place accounts for both our work schedules, she is off weekends, I work them. It has been pretty steady for years. I understand that work and jobs can change and this cannot be the sole determining factor. Which that why I brought the school work and appointments into the equation. She has no interest, I do. The schedule should play to the areas where the children are going to get the most benefit AND actually see the parents.

You can throw whatever combination of numbers/days you want out, if the parents don't see the kids, that's wasting everyone's time and money. Otherwise, you would just give everyone the same schedule and tell them to deal with it.
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Old 09-06-2018, 05:47 PM
PeacefulMoments PeacefulMoments is offline
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I fail to see how a recommendation for 50/50 is laughable and a disaster. Nothing posted about mom screams that she is unfit for 50/50.
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Old 09-07-2018, 03:57 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fatherofgirls View Post
To be honest, I prefer what we currently have and intend to try to keep it this way. The kids are doing well, as evidenced by all the professionals. This also allows me to keep up their school work, something she will not do.
2255 will let you mostly keep on top of their schedules. I agree with peaceful, I am not sure how you can reasonably resist a 50/50 schedule. It does not sound like the mother is terrible at all. If you think you will lose track of schoolwork with a 2255, imagine how much worse it will be a week about.

Right now you can negotiate, if a schedule gets imposed it likely will be one that you do not appreciate.

Quote:
even if I had them Saturday and Sunday, I would only see them for a couple hours on the morning.
You can make up your own schedule for now. Come up with a 50% schedule that gives you the days you want. Again, don't wait for one to be imposed. You have an unusual schedule, and you are unlikely to get what you want by a judge who more or less does not care at all.

Idea:
1) Mom has every weekend (from Saturday morning to Monday morning)
2) Dad has every Thu morning to Saturday morning
3) Alternate Monday morning to Thursday morning

You get every Friday, and half of the Wednesdays. Not too shabby.
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Old 09-09-2018, 09:15 AM
truetoyourself truetoyourself is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by youngdad91 View Post
Giving yourself plenty of time to review it and having a OCL Critique to help you look over it is the best way to go at it. In my case, both critiques knew the OCL rep personally and both disagreed with her recommendations. My lawyer and I were of course the first to disagree with it. It made absolutely no sense.

Best shot you have is to use her own words " daughters were healthy and developing well, they had no concerns." to argue there has been no material change in circumstances justifying a change to the status quo.

Also, this schedule change does not happen unless you agree or gets ordered at a trial. Another strategy is to keep pushing back and out-dating the OCL report as much as possible, and further building your status quo.

Be sure to file a dispute with the OCL and the courts.

I have dismantled the OCL's custody and access recommendations. Many have on this site.
Is an OCL Critique a separate person from your lawyer? I need this? How do I find one? What is the cost?

My lawyer isn't helping. He wants me to hand over what I found out to the OCL. I have not yet.

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