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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 08-28-2018, 10:56 AM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Default Joint Custody w/ Final Say

Hi all,

It's been a while since I've logged in. Just as an update- the OCL took our case. We've had our initial intakes and I have completed the in-home observation. I think it's going well? We'll see. We probably won't have our disclosure meeting until October or November, after my ex has completed his PAR course and maybe we've tried co-parent counseling.

I want to give mediation another go (with a male mediator ). I would like to offer Joint Custody with final say to me...the idea is that I completely agree that ex should be involved in the day to day decision making that affects our daughter...what I don't want is a fight about everything- and him to use this as a way to create conflict (which is his M.O.).

Do any of you have this arrangement? How does it work for you?
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Old 08-28-2018, 12:17 PM
HammerDad HammerDad is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by iona6656 View Post
Hi all,

It's been a while since I've logged in. Just as an update- the OCL took our case. We've had our initial intakes and I have completed the in-home observation. I think it's going well? We'll see. We probably won't have our disclosure meeting until October or November, after my ex has completed his PAR course and maybe we've tried co-parent counseling.

I want to give mediation another go (with a male mediator ). I would like to offer Joint Custody with final say to me...the idea is that I completely agree that ex should be involved in the day to day decision making that affects our daughter...what I don't want is a fight about everything- and him to use this as a way to create conflict (which is his M.O.).

Do any of you have this arrangement? How does it work for you?
So essentially you want sole custody, because that is what it amounts to.
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Old 08-28-2018, 12:37 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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Why not wait to see what OCL says in their recommendations? Then go from there.
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Old 08-28-2018, 03:32 PM
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blinkandimgone blinkandimgone is offline
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You van compromise on final say topics. Ex: school, you choose, religion, he chooses etc

Also for time sharing, ex gets to choose on even years and you choose odd years etc.
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Old 08-28-2018, 04:45 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
Why not wait to see what OCL says in their recommendations? Then go from there.
Oh- I definitely will. But it's a term that's been floated by the lawyers A LOT...so I wanted to know what others thought of it- and how it's worked out.
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Old 08-28-2018, 04:47 PM
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So essentially you want sole custody, because that is what it amounts to.
Essentially, yes.
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Old 08-29-2018, 12:39 AM
denbigh denbigh is offline
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Joint vs sole is about the big decisions like what school, religion and medical (sort of, because if you disagree on medical and take it to court then the court is going to go with acceptable medical practice as defined by medical professionals, not 1 parents wacky home remedy unsupport d by science)

Day to day you donít have to agree on, even if you have joint custody. While itís a nice idea, itís not necessary or worth fighting in court over. A judge doesnít care if you each have different rules on bedtime or tv watching. That is not what joint custody is about
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Old 08-29-2018, 12:47 PM
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Originally Posted by youngdad91 View Post
I wouldn't agree to that if I was your ex. I would continue to go for joint. Joint custody with final say is still sole custody. It's just a way of sugar coating the term sole custody to try and fool the other person into agreement by some lawyers who think they're smart.

OCL in my case recommended sole custody to mom based on same ridiculous argument as yours, my lawyer and I filed a dispute and the mother has now agreed to joint custody and 50/50 access, something our conference judge was in support of.

Don't worry too much about what the OCL recommends. Their recommendations don't make sense and they miss a lot of critical information and get many things wrong. It's kind of sad to see what quality of work you get for the crazy amounts of money these OCL "professionals" get paid to do. They also have a real tendency to play favourites and be biased towards one parent.
I think each assessor is different. The one we have is VERY impartial. She literally never even blinked when I told her about the DV stuff. She gives no indication that she even believes it..mind you- I'm pretty mater of fact about it and just keep it moving and talk about our daughters needs, etc. And actually she's even asked questions like "is it possible that in caring for your daughter who has special needs, you tended to shut out (X)?"- it's pretty obvious that she gets both sides of the story.

I've sort of seen posts about your case- and I think our cases are very different. I don't recall you mentioning anything about DV or criminal proceedings. Also- I'm pretty sure you were paying CS too.

So my argument isn't actually ridiculous. Where there's been a power imbalance in the past- and esp. in cases of DV- co-parenting usually does not work.

I am also open to parallel parenting like denbigh suggested- I make decisions about health, him about school, we are both the same religion so that's not an issue.
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Old 08-29-2018, 01:12 PM
kate331 kate331 is offline
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If your daughter has special needs and depending what they are, health & education may be "tied" together. For example a child who has ADD or ADHD and is getting medical treatment for it would definitely tie into his/her educational plan. Same with therapy and schooling for an Autistic child. I'm not sure if a parallel parenting plan would work. I currently have default joint as we don't have a custody agreement, and chasing down the ex to get medical and/or school papers signed can be challenging at times. I think it comes down to how cooperative the two of you are.
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Old 08-29-2018, 03:16 PM
iona6656 iona6656 is offline
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Originally Posted by kate331 View Post
If your daughter has special needs and depending what they are, health & education may be "tied" together. For example a child who has ADD or ADHD and is getting medical treatment for it would definitely tie into his/her educational plan. Same with therapy and schooling for an Autistic child. I'm not sure if a parallel parenting plan would work. I currently have default joint as we don't have a custody agreement, and chasing down the ex to get medical and/or school papers signed can be challenging at times. I think it comes down to how cooperative the two of you are.
Yeah, unfortunately they are tied together somewhat. My daughter has really severe eczema (infected skin, scratching till she bleeds, etc) and food allergies (twice anaphylactic reactions + contact allergic to dairy). Your scenario is exactly my fear, even registering her for preschool was an ordeal involving consent orders and settlement conferences. In general we are on the same page...but he honestly wants to make me beg. I researched 4 preschools (to see who was willing to deal with her allergies)- and presented him with the best one (plus the others)- I asked him his thoughts and opinion (through our lawyers)....he said he wanted one closer in between the houses- I said sure- but which one? He was given 3 weeks to do some research and present some options....nothing. I had to chase down his lawyer so she wouldn't lose her spot. If I want to make a dentist appointment- and ask for his availability, I get radio silence. After it's made, he'll ask it be changed to accommodate his schedule....and now I'm venting. Thank you for the insight- I guess I just am looking for some type of solution.
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