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Common Law Issues The law regarding common law relationships is different than in cases of divorce. Discuss the issues that affect unmarried couples here.

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Old 08-02-2011, 11:06 AM
LakeErie LakeErie is offline
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Default Help Needed – How to arrange her to move out

We have been living together as common-law and have a small child. Her name is not on the title of the house and she has not contributed any $$$ to the mortgage, property/school taxes and utilities etc. which I don’t have any problems with as my salary is about twice as hers.

I have done some research and I know that she wouldn’t have any claim whatsoever to the house (not because she doesn’t contribute to its upkeep, but rather because her name is not on the title).

We don’t get along well and we both know that we will split up. Only thing is that each time we discuss this she would say that she can leave - but she will take the child with her. Of course I don’t agree. Basically she is using the child as a pawn. 50/50 is at least what I am after as I know it is in the best interest of the child. The child is small but has been in daycare after mom finished mat-leave.

So now I’m at this dilemma – we know the relationship is over, but she doesn’t intend to leave unless she takes the child. What should I do?

So far on the surface we can still manage to live under the same roof and be civil. I know any moment I start to push her things will get worse. How can I arrange her to move out and to keep 50/50 for the child? I really don’t want to get it to court or call police but is there a way I can just ask her to leave?

Any help and suggestions are greatly appreciated.
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Old 08-02-2011, 12:43 PM
Mess Mess is offline
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You can't "arrange" it, all you can do is improve your chances.

Be a 50/50 parent now. Something important at this time is sick days, at this age in daycare they are always picking up something. Does mom always take the days off and care for the child? If so you are in a weak position. If you start taking the sick days you are proving that you are an active parent, that you provide personal care for the child, that you can continue to care for the child when you separate. You can use daycare records compared to your work attendence to prove you took care of the child.

If you don't do stuff like this, she will and she will use it to prove her case. You get 50/50 when you split by doing 50/50 now. That should also include taking the child to doctor's appointments, dentist, buying clothes, arranging playdates, anything involved in parenting. Put the child to bed at night at least half the time and get her up in the morning. Drive to daycare at least half the time, pick up at least half the time. Daycare keeps records of who picks the child up, usually you sign them out, at least half the time this should be you.

Establish this as a routine now, keep it up for as long as you can stand having the ex living with you. Bond with the child and make sure you are considered just as much of a caregiver as the mom. Make sure you are seen doing this, it may be necessary to get affidavits or use attendence records.

When the time comes you will file a suit seeking for her leave the residence and at the same time seeking equal shared parenting and joint custody. When you do this you will keep a personal voice recorder with you at all times when you are with your spouse to protect you from any accusations.

If she leaves with the child you immediately seek an emergency motion for 50/50 access. Hopefully it won't come to that.

You need to have all these ducks lined up ahead of time.

I did this for years, I knew the marriage was failing when our second child was born but I knew I needed to ensure that the kids would want and expect to live with me equally so I made sure that I was absolutely involved in every part of their lives. When we split it was unquestionable that we would have 50/50, even my ex's family expected that.
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Old 08-03-2011, 02:13 PM
LakeErie LakeErie is offline
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Mess, thank you. Actually your replies to the problems and questions on this forum have always been very helpful...

I know I need time to build a status quo for a better 50/50 custody case, which is what I have been doing so far. But I think eventually she will need to move out and find her own housing elsewhere, right? I’m told that legally in situations like mine she can be locked out of house. But because we have a small child I really don’t want to go that far. But again living in such an environment is just like a life in prison! So how can I persuade her to move out? For a 50/50 arrangement, she needs a place for herself and the child, right?

Do you suggest that I wait until I initiate and file first for the Motion for Custody, and in that motion I state that she should move out?
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Old 08-05-2011, 07:49 AM
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I met up with a lawyer yesterday. She told me that to force someone to move out, that matter should be dealt with in Civil Court, not in Family Division of the Superior Court. An eviction order can be issued in such case.

Does anyone have any real experience in dealing these two problems the same time?
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Old 08-05-2011, 08:14 AM
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If you can keep it out of court you should. The court also expects that you come as a last resort not a first resort, and you are required to give a party an order or offer first and then they reject you before you go to court, especially for civil matters.

So when the time comes I would have thought it out and have a plan, including figuring out a reasonable offer for child support (if she earns less than you) and a basic split of assets making sure that she has enough cash to get a decent place in a decent location. Make it easy for her, make it a fairly generous offer, what you are doing is essentially buying her out and saving legal costs. It will cost a minimum of several thousand dollars for lawyers even if you are amicable. If you can save most of that by just agreeing with each other, then offer her that to get her on her feet.

Have a calm and compassionate conversation with her. Then email her repeating the details of the conversation so that you have a record of it, this represents your separation date. It also helps if a week later she claims you promised something and you don't remember it that way.

Think long and hard about how to have a conversation with the child without blaming anyone. "Mommy and me won't be living together anymore but you will still have both of us and spend time with both of us." No blame, no anger. Have this conversation in mind when you speak with your ex about separating, the first thing she will think of defencively is "What will we tell little Betsy?"

Have an idea for a 50/50 schedule that doesn't keep the child away from either too long. Week/week is too long for a starter, and too long for a young child. Be ready to present it to the ex and write it down and you both sign it. It's not totally binding but you need a personal agreement with each other and you need to both be able to remember what was said in a stressful conversation.

Have it all worked ahead of time but don't be a controlling schmuk, keep and open mind and listen to her ideas and listen to her needs.

She may flip out and you need her out immediately. Or it may be that the stress lifts and you can co-habit in separate rooms for a couple of months and feel ok about it. Keep an open mind.
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Old 08-05-2011, 11:29 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
She may flip out and you need her out immediately. Or it may be that the stress lifts and you can co-habit in separate rooms for a couple of months and feel ok about it. Keep an open mind.
Great advice...My ex and I co-habitated in the same house/separate rooms for about 10 years before we physically separated houses. It does work for a while if you can deal with it
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Old 08-05-2011, 05:51 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by May_May View Post
Great advice...My ex and I co-habitated in the same house/separate rooms for about 10 years before we physically separated houses. It does work for a while if you can deal with it
Wow! I wasn't imagining that!
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:06 PM
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Wow! I wasn't imagining that!
I know ! It definitely wasn't in the vows...

But...it was convenient for many reasons such as juggling older son who is in multiple competitive sports along with a younger one who needs to be in bed early, working a lot of overtime due to last minute client changes/notifications, and financially as well. Definitely not what I'd recommend, and not easy to do but it worked because neither of us saw the other, and we had separate rooms ! (that's how I came upon single-malt and G&T ! ha...needed to kill the time). It is significantly better (beyond words) living in my own home now away from the 'negatives'...but it's a lot more challenging trying to juggle work/clients, and the kids sporting/musical activities.
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:10 PM
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I know people who get along really well with their ex's. My neighbour gives her ex a key and he comes over to feed the fish and water the plants when she's away.

It must have been tough with having any kind of social life though, like how would you date someone and explain the arrangements to them, much less have them visit? And friends and family?
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Old 08-05-2011, 06:24 PM
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Kudos to y
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