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Divorce & Family Law This forum is for discussing any of the legal issues involved in your divorce.

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  #1  
Old 11-26-2009, 05:12 PM
lacey lacey is offline
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Angry Frustrated and Angry

Hi all,
Quick background:
I have a baby who is nearing five months old. The "donor" as I call him, or the "father", skipped out on us when the baby was three weeks old. He immediately found a new girlfriend, whom is now living common-law with him and has been for a few months. He hasn't paid a dime in support, and refuses to. He is claiming he isn't the father (he IS) and hasn't returned any of my calls. I have heard he is trying to have a baby with her, as he wants his son. (incidentally, the baby he helped create is a boy).
I live in geared to income housing and they insist I receive support from him, as it is an income. I tried to explain this to him before the baby was born, to prepare him, but he flipped and decided he'd rather quit his job than pay me support. He said back then, that he would rather pay for diapers and food for the baby, than support. We did not live together, were in a relationship, then he ended it when I was just weeks from delivery. (he hasn't paid for diapers, food nor clothers as of yet).
I didn't want to live with him as Ï have two other children from a previous relationship, and I didn't want them involved with this man, with all of us living together, as their own father wasn't a proper role model, and isn't in their lives much either. I felt it wasn't right to put them in that situation.
I am also in University to finish my degree, and I can't live with anyone, and really don't care to, as it would interfere with my obtaining OSAP. I tried to explain this to this guy, and he just wouldn't listen.
So now I have my case worker (I am unfortunately on assistance for now) getting the FRO involved and I am waiting to hear if they have served him as of yet.
I have a court date tentatively set for early December.
What happens if he says, once we are in court, that he is not the father? I am in agreement for a paternity test, as it WILL show the jerk is indeed the father. What happens if he says he doesn't have the money to pay for the test? Will this lengthen the court proceedings, and by how much? And does anyone know why on earth Ï won't receive back support from him? THis has taken far too long already, and I just Know that he will try and spread it out longer. Also, Ï was told that they go back three years for tax returns, and if they do, they'll see that he made over 70,000 the earlier two years, but this past year he mysteriously has been off a lot, on sick leave, been laid off, etc. Will this affect the final decision on how much he'll have to pay me?

I also do not want him to have unsupervised visits (I truly don't want him to see my baby at all!!!!! ). How can Ï go about this?

I appreciate some input here,
Frustrated,
Lacey
  #2  
Old 11-26-2009, 06:16 PM
standing on the sidelines standing on the sidelines is offline
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the only comment i have about your post is the last part. You never said there was a reason for him not to have unsupervised access. Sorry but unless he is a dangerous person he has every right to access. As hard as it may be at this time, try to keep your feelings about him separate from what is good for the child. If you want support, then he has a right to see his son. It sounds like the wounds are still fresh so I can understand your feelings.
  #3  
Old 11-26-2009, 06:54 PM
NoahsDaddy NoahsDaddy is offline
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If he disputes the paternity, the judge can order a test. If he is proven to be the bilogical father, he will be obligated to pay child support and there's no exceptions to that. In terms of getting it quickly, you'd need to have a lawyer file an emergency motion. You could do it yourself but it's kinda complicated and a paternity test will slow that down.

I pay child support to my son and they did request three previous years tax return but, in the end, only really cared about the most recent one because my income was highest. If he has a valid excuse for not working (or an invalid one that the judge believes) you may see them set the amounts at somewhere between what he currently makes and what he made previously. For example, they might take an average of his past three tax returns and use that to set the amount of CS.

Playing devils' advocate, what if he has the fact that he is the father confirmed and whatever doubts he had are removed? What if he wants to be a father figure to the child? If he is truly committed, he should have every right to be...and he will. The only reason the judge may favour supervised visits (at the time being) is the fact that your child is quite young. But, if the father is not a complete lunatic and wants to be a part of the childs' life, he will be given the opportunity to by the courts and that time will progress to overnights and everything. There will be very little that you can do about it.

With that being said, I really question the use of the term "donor" and your desire that he not have any unsupervised visits with his son. In fact, the comment that you do not want him anywhere near "your" baby pretty much sums up the problem that a lot of fathers face these days. What is the rationale behind not wanting unsupervised visits? Is the father a threat to the child? Is he a violent person or a flight risk? Does he not know how to care for the child? You're going to need to justify this to a court if it is something that you truly want.

I am not attempting to offend you and I am well aware that there are a lot of fathers out there who do not want any part of their childrens lives and end up being nothing more than a "donor" who gives the mother a cheque every month. On the flipside, there are a lot of fathers who just want the opportunity to be Daddy...only to have some other parent try and take that away on account of the fact that they harbour resentment towards the way in which the relationship ended. Again, I'm not aware of all the circumstances involved in your situation; so, I'm not passing judgment...just painting the other side of the fence. If you do end up going to court, I would try to avoid using terms like "donor" and most judges are not going to agree with "I don't want him around my son." Just because he was a "bad" boyfriend doesn't mean that he will be a bad father.

I would be prepared though - court proceedings are long, expensive and can get rather nasty. After what I just went through to get custody of my son, I'm pretty sure that many lawyers would take your comment about your living arrangements, previous children/relationship and use those to paint a negative picture of your stability and decision making. I'm not saying that they're right, but, just using it as an example of how everything is so underhanded and hard to take sometimes.

If he is the father, he has a financial obligation to his son, end of story there. Unless he simply doesn't want to or poses a risk to the child, yourself or himself, he will be given an opportunity to be a father. If that is something he wants and dedicates himself to, your son will have two parental influences in his life and that is a GOOD thing. If he chooses not to, then he is the one that can consciously try and live with that.

It doesn't sound like a great situation and I'm sorry to hear about it. I really hope that everything works out in a manner that your son gets everything he needs and deserves.
  #4  
Old 11-29-2009, 08:20 PM
lacey lacey is offline
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Hey,
I am not trying to undermine the ability of most fathers out there. In this case, I truly feel this "man" is emotionally unstable, given how he has behaved towards me, my family, his friends and the nursing staff at the hospital. In fact, I have family coming to the hearing to support me... they were there when I was giving birth to OUR child, and he was busy threatening hospital staff, my family and whoever else. He is an explosive hothead. He drinks - and drives- and most importantly, he abandoned his child that he claimed he wanted so badly. Isn't abandonment an issue here?
I was in a 13 year relationship with the father of my two eldest daughters, and yes, I did finally leave him after a few failed attempts. He gave me the old story of "I'll ruin you, I'll take the kids away from you, I'll keep the house and not move out...." So in the end, I took the girls and we left- he ended up with the house and I got the short end of the stick money-wise. I had very valid reasons for leaving #1 and his daughters see him whenever I take them there- he won't come and get them. He spends very little time with them and he makes them feel guilty - their words, not mine- every chance he gets. He doesn't spend any time with them when they visit him- but they feel obligated to be with him and as much as I think he doesn't deserve them after the way he treated them when we all resided together, I still make sure they are connected- he was in their lives and even though he was an invisible dad to them, they saw him every day of their lives for nearly 13 years. I get that.
What I do not understand is how an ignorant, foul, drunken, hot-headed moron should be allowed the PRIVILEGE to see his son, the son he claimed he wanted so very much, after dumping that same infant weeks after his birth. He hasn't returned ANY of my calls- some of which I even tried filling him in with his son's milestones thus far.....

No, he has been reported to be trying to get his new girlfriend pregnant, so he can have his son..... Of course this is hearsay, but I truly do not doubt the validity of those words, knowing his previous repulsive behaviour.
He left his first wife and his little girl when that baby was a year old, and finally drifted back into her life when she was nearly ten, I believe. He is disgusting with her, drinks and drives with her, and discusses his sex life with her- she is fourteen.
He is a pig. Sorry. End of story. And yes, I was a fool to have even had relations with him, but ONE good thing came of it, and that is MY son. That is how I feel. I doubt very much he wants to be a part of this child's life, while he is procreating with his currant lady-friend. (whom he met while I was pregnant his HIS child, the same child he wanted so badly. Weeks before HIS baby was born, he broke up with me, and then he just stopped coming to see HIS son three weeks after he was born. No tell me, does that sound like a committed father to you?)
So you will all have to excuse me if I am harsh or critical of this MAN, as he has NOT proven himself worthy of my acceptance, nor has he proven himself worthy to be the father of his son.
  #5  
Old 11-29-2009, 09:09 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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those reasons IMHO, are VALID reasons for you to keep sole custody. I have a family member who did exactly what this man has done. he has at least 7 children, and supports none of them. The family only has contact with one of his children, and only because I initiated the contact when I was 20 and she was 12.

However, if he wants to be in your son's life, the court will allow it, You need to accept that and offer him some access. It will really help your case to show that you recognize his father and have made attempts to invite him into your son's life. If you prefer them to be unsupervised visits, you will need to either trust the people he chooses to supervise, or arrange for someone else. An offer even of supervised visits is better than no offer at all.
  #6  
Old 11-29-2009, 10:12 PM
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dadtotheend dadtotheend is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lacey View Post
What I do not understand is how an ignorant, foul, drunken, hot-headed moron should be allowed the PRIVILEGE to see his son, the son he claimed he wanted so very much, after dumping that same infant weeks after his birth. He hasn't returned ANY of my calls- some of which I even tried filling him in with his son's milestones thus far.....
Hey billiechic, this is not as bad as what I described in earlier posts, but not far off. This Mom appears to be making a solid attempt at improving herself and making a good life for her kids, but she is jaded by the previous father, and it is pretty clear that she harbours resentment for the current one.

Calling the guy "...an ignorant, foul, drunken, hot-headed moron..." is not cool. Indeed, she seems, on the face of it, to be exhibiting two of those traits herself in her post. Projecting that onto Dad does her son no favours. Going on to mention whether "...he should be allowed the PRIVILEGE to see his son..." indicates that she doesn't seem to understand that their son has a right to develop a relationship with his father. This is not about privlilege (bestowed/dictated/decreed by Mom) of parents, it's about rights of children.

Try viewing this situation from your son's perspective Mom, not from your "...angry, frustrated..." one. You appear to be confusing your interests with those of your child.

Last edited by dadtotheend; 11-29-2009 at 10:20 PM.
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Old 11-29-2009, 11:40 PM
billiechic billiechic is offline
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you might note that I said sole custody (meaning legal authority) and not anything else. It is obvious that these parents are not going to get along, and if he has a history of abandoning his children from other relationships, that should be considered in relation to this case. Not to say he has no right to have liberal access.

I agree that this poster is furious and letting her anger and resentment cloud her judgement. It is not an ideal situation for her children. But, she is the parent that this child knows, she did not walk away from him, the father did.

I personally think that shared joint custody IS the best thing for children, but not all situations are ideal. I think in this case these parents are not going to agree, they are both very angry and to impose a joint custody situation here will make things worst for the child. But again, that is my opinion. Feel free to disagree.

Mom, I hope you are not projecting your opinions on your children. Save your anger and resentment for therapy
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Old 11-29-2009, 11:55 PM
lacey lacey is offline
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Hmmmmmm,
Yes, that may be food for thought.... perhaps I may have a foul mouth at the moment towards the child's biological father... ignorant I am not... hot-headed.... again, not I....
Upset that he may be given the right to just waltz back into the baby's life... yes, definately. And listen, I have a right to be angry with him. I
have the right to be more than that!!! He's treated the two of us like crap! And he'll get away with it, because he has the "right" to drift in and out of any child's life, as he pleases.
What is in the best interest of my baby? I am pretty sure I know what is... he certainly should have a respectable, reliable and decent role model for a dad.... he does not have any of that in this man.
This baby has the right to be raised in a nurturing environment, with people that are emotionally stable, are predictable and are proper examples of society; so he can develop these character traits himself.
His biological father is not capable of any of this... and unfortunately, wasn't raised in a nurturing environment either. So, and I realize, which is why I am so upset, my baby will be subjected to his biological dad at some point, and (I am sure you wouldn't understand, unless you met the guy) all of his unsavory habits and characteristics will be subjected to his child. That is what I don't want. I just don't want my boy to end up like his dad.
He is uneducated, foul (I am not being menacing, that is just how this man is!) and a drunk. I want so much more for my boy.
I have the best interest for my son. I just don't want him to grow up to be his father. (shudder)
And again, you would have to meet this man, to understand what I am saying, what I am worried about. As I wrote before, I completely get how a child is entitled to a relationship with both parents: my two daughters continue to have one with their dad.... I will not interfere with that one... the one is already asking when she can decide for herself whethor or not she must go... and I DO NOT encourage her to stay away from him...
In this case, however, with his past, his abandoning us, and his temper, his habits... I am upset he'll get his way (yes, even with my baby's best interest in mind, I am still scared of the two of them fostering a relationship).
As for the access... if there is no way around it, then so be it. But he had better watch his p's and q's.... he slips up, drinks and drives, has inappropriate discussions with my son.... and we will be back in court- because I have my son's best interest in mind!
  #9  
Old 11-30-2009, 12:02 AM
lacey lacey is offline
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Well, my child is 5 months old.... and like I have done with my older two, I will not project my anger onto him.... I will smile and nod and help him have a "normal" relationship with his biological father.
He will NOT get joint shared custody... my girl's father doesn't have it.... and he is ok with it. He gets them every other weekend, half of all holidays... he lives far enough away that we wanted the girls to attend ONE school, and be near their friends.
With this other guy, he works out of the country all week and some weekends, and he'll have to work something out because he has his daughter from his first marriage everyother weekend.... when it is convenient for him.
Also, his live-in girlfriend will have to clean up her mouth and stop using dope... my son is not going to an environment like that!!!!
  #10  
Old 11-30-2009, 12:08 AM
lacey lacey is offline
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I wish I could just get him to sign off his rights... I know of someone who did that.... then he wouldn't have to pay support.... he threatened to quit his job if he was forced to pay support... so there, that will solve that! He gets his way...
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