Announcement

Collapse
No announcement yet.

The No-Show Parent

Collapse
X
 
  • Filter
  • Time
  • Show
Clear All
new posts

  • The No-Show Parent

    My ex and I had a parenting agreement signed 5 years ago. He is supposed to have our son 7 year old child every second weekend Friday to Sunday plus every Wednesday evening, plus shared holidays, etc.

    I have kept a spreadsheet over the last 2 plus years that shows the days he’s missed. He has never taken him on a Wednesday, hasn’t seen him in 7 months and prior to that random weekends on Saturday to Sunday at varied times, with visits sometimes months apart. He also hasn’t taken him for two weeks in the summer ever as we agreed on.

    This has caused a huge amount of emotional distress on my son previously with crying, having accidents, and lashing out with anger. Once in a blue moon I get an email asking to see our son tomorrow but it’s difficult to accommodate his last minute requests and I don’t feel it’s in the best interests or our child. I have tried to explain to him that these last minute requests are unreasonable and asked him to sit down with me and discuss a schedule he can commit to that works for him. He has even forgot to pick him up and our son was at the door waiting. When I called and asked where he was he said he forgot and couldn’t make it even though I told him our son was waiting.

    Am I wrong to say no to sporadic access requests when he is not following the agreement at all? I am willing to agree to anything he can commit to but I keep telling him we need to have this conversation first beforehand. He keeps saying he’s busy and doesn’t have time to talk and continues to say I’m denying him access, but I worry for my son emotionally if his dad comes to see him with no agreed schedule then doesn’t bother for months again as he has done so over the last number of years. I have offered to drive to his house to talk, meet at a coffee shop and offered to talk anytime time that works for him. Any advice on how I should handle this would be greatly appreciated. It’s so hard to know if I’m making the right decisions for our son.

  • #2
    You should set your son up with a therapist. At least he would have someone to work through this abandonment with.

    You are right to refuse the last minute requests if its not do-able. However is your ex is free and wants to take his child for a few hours, thats not unreasonable and you could try to accommodate.

    The bottom line is you can’t fix stupid and there are plenty of parents out there who can’t be bothered to be parents. When he plays the “denying access” card you simply remind him he has set out access and he is more than welcome to exercise his time with his son. Be assertive when you respond to his last minute requests.

    Comment


    • #3
      Thank you for the advice! Especially about being assertive and reminding him he has access rights he can exercise if he wants to rather than just random requests here and there. No show parents make it very difficult for the children involved.

      Comment


      • #4
        Its a really unfortunate situation for your child. Plus it upsets many of the parents on here who want to see their kids and are refused. The most important thing is to make sure the boy has a positive role model and reinforcement that none of this is his fault.

        Comment


        • #5
          Totally agree with you. Thanks again.

          Comment


          • #6
            Lemongirl, we are in similar situations. Its like pulling teeth for me to get the ex to maintain contact and Ive only been separated for 1 year (we dont have any written agreement). Your situation isn't giving me much hope If it was me, I would take what I could get and agree to the sporadic visits, because imo its better than nothing. But you are the one that knows your child best. I would be concerned though if he backed out again last minute and the childs hopes were dashed again. I'm not much help, but just wanted you to know your not alone. Its hard to read here all the great Dads, that want more access to their children and we have the complete opposite circumstance.

            Comment


            • #7
              My father took off when we were young. It took about ten years for me to find a therapist who could help with the feelings of abandonment. You are a good parent trying to get the fathers to wise up.

              Comment


              • #8
                I'd better start saving for the therapists bills Rockscan do you have a relationship now that you are an adult with your Dad?

                Its heartbreaking, last time my S3 saw his Dad, (he doesn't understand a schedule or even know what day of the week it is) he caught a glimpse of him walking on the street for a schedule visit, I didnt tell him before hand to avoid disappointment, and he ran straight for him, and literally jumped onto him. His face was sheer joy, and he was hanging onto him, like it for dear life. The S7 I noticed was standoffish, and hesitant. It took a bit of a bribe to get the S7 go. I hope in time S3 will never loose that joy in seeing & being with his Dad. Time will tell.

                Comment


                • #9
                  It’s better a no show, as you don’t tell the child the parent is coming and when the parent shows, you both look great as they go with the other parent and you also agree to it, if you don’t let them know the other parents coming they don’t look bad for not coming and you don’t look bad saying they will be here soon

                  I know a lot of parents are on here and want to see their kids and other parent makes it hard/ are “gatekeepers “ but as hard as it is to believe some parents don’t give a shit about their kids and it’s about them.
                  My wife’s ex is only about him and only does his “time” (this words) cause this mom wants to see the kids and anything the does is over and above

                  Comment


                  • #10
                    Mine calls it "babysitting" to give me a "break". IMO parents dont get a break, nor babysit their children. I often think while reading posts on here where is my 50/50 shared parenting? Why didnt my kids get one of these Dad's?

                    Dtothree, I hope your filling in some shoes and being a great step-dad!

                    Comment


                    • #11
                      I have been in my kids lives longer then their dad, in the last 8 years, I say nothing but good things to say about the other parent, and try to get other parent to spend time with kids, but throwback in our faces as what I did for you, other parent is eow, but has never taken long weekends or holidays, when cas was involved he took his kids more as a favour to us.
                      I wish the other parent would spend time with his kids, as they are great, but some people are not built that way and are just about them.

                      I wish people on this site could see that, but I also wish custodial parents would let other parent see child for a few hours or over night, or a weekend or a week.

                      Kids are amazing, and not pawns, let the other parent fuck it up on there own or let them surprise you and be apart of the kids life

                      Comment


                      • #12
                        [QUOTE=kate331;225068]Mine calls it "babysitting" to give me a "break". IMO parents dont get a break, nor babysit their children.

                        I do have to say I do love babysitting and as a favour to you, this is over and above, because you can’t handle them, if you have no one else, if I must, I have to check, I’ll get back to you, I’ll do this for you, really I have to have them three weekends in a row, I’ll make it up to them one day, can we switch but keep it the same, I’ve got plans for the holidays, I’ll tell you when I will take the kids, you should thank me,

                        Comment


                        • #13
                          I tried to allow him into my life six years ago. It took three years before he reverted back to the selfish behaviour that led to my parents split. I dont speak to him anymore now. Its really sad because despite the trials of my parents split, my siblings and I are awesome people and he missed out.

                          As difficult as it is on your kids, they will see the truth and who is there for them. You can also look into community groups like big brothers and also talk to your local family services. There are lots of groups for kids without parents or children of divorce. The most important thing is to remind them that its not them, its their parent. Kids feel like they have done something. For the longest time I thought I had driven him away, that we had misbehaved to make him unhappy etc. Now as an adult I see its his issue not ours. But it took a great deal of time and maturity to see. Plus I had a great doctor who reminded me that I dont have to feel guilty for removing negative people from my life

                          Comment


                          • #14
                            Originally posted by Lemongirl View Post
                            Am I wrong to say no to sporadic access requests when he is not following the agreement at all?
                            You posted this in the "family law" section of the forum. Therefore, the answer is that you can say no to any access request that is not provided for in the agreement.

                            If you had posted this in the "parenting", I would have said that you should facilitate access as much as possible. I wouldn't let the kid know in advance. Morning of I would text flakey Dad and see if he is still coming, and if he is then tell kid. Otherwise, don't tell kid. You take the emotional beating, kid is blissfully unaware.

                            Comment


                            • #15
                              Oh yuck, just saw your other thread about looking for more child support. This is not about the child, you just want to deny access for money.

                              I should have clued in to the obvious gatekeeping wording of your posting. I'm annoyed at myself.

                              I'm sorry I provided any advice at all.

                              Comment

                              Our Divorce Forums
                              Forums dedicated to helping people all across Canada get through the separation and divorce process, with discussions about legal issues, parenting issues, financial issues and more.
                              Working...
                              X