Mediation Not Working

[Berner_Faith]

Some of you may remember the post where I was surprised at some of the things the mediator told my cousin regarding her situation, what I didn't explain were the points she told them to work on, which were the following,

• Communication to be via email or text message only, no phone calls because they cannot talk without arguing
• Visits were to happen 3 times a week for no more than 3 hours and Mom had to be there until baby got use to Dad, at least the next 2 months
• That Dad had to provide his own arrangements to pick up and drop off Mom and the baby

So Friday the 13th he picked mom and baby up and told Mom he had a ride home for her. Well he didn't. She ended up being stuck 30min away from home until Sunday, as I was out of town and could not pick her up. The following week we stayed at my parents house (Monday-Friday), which is in the same town as where he is staying. Mom told Dad to message her and they would work out times to see the baby. He never got a hold of her until 6:30 Thursday night and said he wanted the baby to come to his mom's for dinner. At that time the baby was already sleeping so she said no but if he wanted to see him tomorrow that was fine. Well he never messaged the Friday.

She never heard of him until last night at 5:30 saying he wanted to come pick him up for his Gma's birthday. She said no as he was just getting out of the bath and ready for bed and that she needed more than an hours notice to make sure he is ready. Again she told him if he wanted to see him today to let her know. He said he didn't have a ride but they would work something out for later in the week.

Well today she got a call from the mediator asking why she was denying him access and ignoring him. She told the mediator that she wasn't denying but he was only giving her an hours notice, the first time he was in bed, the second time he was in the bath and he wouldn't give her notice. Mediator agreed that he needed to give more notice and that they should work something out today for later in the week, she agreed, but asked the mediator to remind him that he had to email or text, she didn't want to talk to him on the phone.

He called her 6 times today, refused to message her. She finally answered him and asked that he message her rather than call and he started freaking out, saying he was coming Thursday to see him no matter what she said, said she was only mad at him because he called the mediator (which she couldn't care less) and a bunch of other stuff.

Mom called the mediator back about an hour ago and the mediator said she just got off the phone with Dad and didn't understand why Mom was ignoring his calls. Mom said she wanted Dad to message, which was agreed to in mediator because all he does is yell and argue. Mediator said well he can call too and you have to answer. Then told Mom that she has to tell ME that I am responsible for getting her and the baby to Dad's house next week! She said because I work from home during the winter that I can make sure they get there!

In the mediation session the mediator asked if I would provide transportation and I stated very carefully, that IF I was going to town I would bring Mom and baby with me, but that my schedule for the next month was busy as I was out of town 3 out of the 4 weekends. Everyone agreed that if I was going to town and Dad was available I would take them, but now the mediator is saying it is my responsibility. How the heck can it be? I am not a party to this case. She also told Mom that Dad can have baby whenever he is available for however long he wants.

Mom is fed up with mediation because the mediator tells her one thing (no phone calls, supervised access, etc) and then turns around and tells her something different. Like tonight, Dad can call all he wants and doesn't need supervised access.

She would like to just go to court and get it over with. She wants set times, not just an hours notice, she doesn't want phone calls due to the constant yelling and she wants to say that he is responsible for the transportation, as I am no longer willing to do the transportation. I will provide transportation if/when I am going to town, but I certainly won't have it demanded of me when it isn't my kid.

I just cannot believe how she is flip flopping around. Mom is trying to do what was agreed upon, Dad can completely disregard everything that was agreed upon and it seems the mediator agrees with him?

What are your thoughts? Should she just go to court?

[blinkandimgone]

I have never heard of this kind of mediation before, where the mediator would call and get involved in anything. This seems very bizarre. And no, you are not a party to this case and made no agreement to be responsible.

Seems like the two young parents really need to get a regular schedule set to avoid all the craziness for all of you.

[Berner_Faith]

I have never heard of this kind of mediation before, where the mediator would call and get involved in anything. This seems very bizarre. And no, you are not a party to this case and made no agreement to be responsible.

Seems like the two young parents really need to get a regular schedule set to avoid all the craziness for all of you.

Honestly, this is so weird. She has spoken to the mediator twice today and last week she spoke to her 2-3 times. They have only had one session in her office with her and were set to go back at the end of March, but this is getting out of hand. It is no longer the mediator acting as a third party between the parents, she is getting involved in every aspect of the relationship.

[Dadx5]

If you are not a party to the case you are not required to do anything.

I don't understand this mediation. From my experience with mediation its just been us sitting with the mediator and working out an order not an ongoing process with calls and ongoing contact that seems more like parental co-ordination to me.

What is written on paper and signed or ordered? I would ensure that things are in writing and both parties have a copy. That way there is no misunderstanding of what is being agreed to. If dad is breaking the agreement and its in writing then I would think that court is the only option. However if dad can show that mom is making access difficult or impossible i would suggest that she look at how she can try to accommodate some access.

Court is never the best option but if mediation isn't working it can be the best option to get things finalized.

[blinkandimgone]

Are you sure this is not a parenting coordinator? This honestly doesn't sound like a mediator at all.

[Berner_Faith]

If you are not a party to the case you are not required to do anything.

I don't understand this mediation. From my experience with mediation its just been us sitting with the mediator and working out an order not an ongoing process with calls and ongoing contact that seems more like parental co-ordination to me.

What is written on paper and signed or ordered? I would ensure that things are in writing and both parties have a copy. That way there is no misunderstanding of what is being agreed to. If dad is breaking the agreement and its in writing then I would think that court is the only option. However if dad can show that mom is making access difficult or impossible i would suggest that she look at how she can try to accommodate some access.

Court is never the best option but if mediation isn't working it can be the best option to get things finalized.

Mediator never had them sign anything that day other than the intake form. At the end of the session it was just verbally agreed to that they would work out access. She is not a parent coordinator, she is a mediator, or supposed to be. I have never been to mediation but it isn't what I thought it was.

As for access, Mom would like to arrange access but Dad only ever gives her an hour notice. She has asked Dad if they can set up access for Tuesday, Thursday and Saturdays and no word of a lie, Dad actually told him he has better things to do and can't have a set schedule.

[Berner_Faith]

Are you sure this is not a parenting coordinator? This honestly doesn't sound like a mediator at all.

Nope just pulled her business card and it states

XXX XXX B.S., AccFM (OAFMO)
Mediator, XXX Court House

No where does it mention a parenting coordinator.

[Dadx5]

No judge would expect her to be at his beck and call. I have seen where 24 hours notice was required but usually its going to be 48 hours notice or more, or a set schedule days and he will give 24 hours notice if he is going to exercise his visit.

This is very strange and to me it seems inappropriate.

[Berner_Faith]

This is the link to the website on her card... here

Website doesn't look great and the mediator on the card does not seem to be listed on the website... and the location where she visits it not near London Ontario... something seems weird with this lady.

[blinkandimgone]

That website is terrible and not at all professional. Doesn't mean the organization isn't but....oy.

I would be getting in touch with the manager or director there, with your niece, to discuss what is happening because this is just not normal.

[Berner_Faith]

This poor girl just wants some stability. She does want Dad to see his son but I think she deserves more than an hours notice. She shouldn't be expected to just sit around all day waiting for him and if she isn't available he calls and tells on her. The mediator didn't want to set up a schedule, wanted them to work it out on their own.

[blinkandimgone]

There are red flags everywhere with this so called mediator and their website, most of the links are broken - including the about us page. I would strongly suggest ending all dealings with them and finding someone more professional.

[Dadx5]

I agree with Blink this site looks bad and unprofessional.

Mediation is client run. The mediator's job is to help the parties come to compromise not to dictate what will or won't be worked on. If they could work out an access schedule on their own then they wouldn't need the help of a mediator.

Mediators do not call you at home because the other side has "told on you"
They do not pick sides in the situation
There opinions do not get verbalized, especially not in a way to shame one parent and support another parent.

Something in this situation is wrong. She needs to seek out a new mediator or consider getting a structured order from a judge.

[Serene]

Aside from the issues with the mediator I smell fish. The kid is getting ready for bed at 530 and can't go out? Come on now. You can't suck and blow. If she wants dad to see baby - what does it matter if it's bath time (and really, was baby getting ready for bed at 530)? How long does bath time really take? Lol....having 5 kids under my belt I surely can't recall any bath time that impeded my ability to let a child spend time with anyone.

[Berner_Faith]

Thank you for your advice, however baby eats at 5pm, bath at 530 and is in bed at 6pm. Just because it isn't how the schedule worked for your kids doesn't mean it's the same for ever child. This has been his schedule for months and dad is well aware of it. Why should the baby miss out on bed time because Dad doesn't want him during the day?

Even my step kids who are 6 and 9 are in bed at 7 and 8pm. Everyone's schedule is different. Dad doesn't work and doesn't go to school. What is wrong with the morning or afternoon?

If Dad would just agree to a set schedule they wouldn't be in this mess. Surely you don't think an hours notice is enough? I doubt you would agree to that