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Scheduling dilemma due to an intentional lack of communication

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  • #31
    So the psychologist meets with the step parents as opposed to the parents?
    (A lot of good that does considering the ongoing dysfunction in this situation).

    I'd cancel the appointment and look for a psychologist who will do the appointments during the evenings - not unusual.

    Psychologists can be like chiropractors - the appointments just keep going and going but the problem remains. (I always get a chuckle from people who say "I've been seeing this wonder chiropractor for the past 10 years...").

    Maybe it's time to re-think the whole psychologist thing. Sounds like the issues to be resolved are between the adults. Has the psychologist offered any useful suggestions on how the adults can best co-parent?

    A "our forever home" sign with a bunch of plastic pink flamingos? Yikes - I'd be on a psychiatric's couch.

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    • #32
      The psych meets with both sets of parents yes. We have no over sight as to if he sees mom or mom and step dad or just step dad. But it's a good thing that he is seeing both sets of parents - they are all part of the children's lives. And yes Arabian, I know how you feel about the new spouses but you can't dismiss they are part of these children's lives.

      We can cancel the appointment all we want. That doesn't stop her from taking the child as she has already indicated.

      Yes the psych has offered useful suggestions. Now if mom would just carry them through, as well as her spouse, we'd likely turn a new leaf!

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      • #33
        Is this a family counselling thing or is it for issues that the child is alleged to have? Maybe the usefulness of the counselling has ended? A psychologist will never tell you as they work like lawyers - love hourly billings.

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        • #34
          How can she take the child anywhere if it is your time? I bet if you explain the situation to the psychologist and inform them you are going to cancel all future appointments on your time due to the problem, you will get a quick resolution from the psychologist (like him telling her that she is not to attend these appointments whatsoever on your time). This is loss of income for the psychologist and he/she knows there are MANY other professionals out there who offer after-hours sessions.

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          • #35
            Re-reading this thread it seems that this is a problem that can be left with the psychologist's office to resolve. IF they do not have the schedule I'd provide it to them. Tell the office that if they do not schedule the appointments within the appropriate access times that the child will not attend. Let the office deal with the mother and figure things out.

            Simple and non-confrontational.

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            • #36
              Serene,

              Is she not an adult? She chose her career path and to have children. Stop facilitating and push back her share of appointments. So what she runs a daycare? Not your problem, she has a husband he can help her out as you help yours.

              Stop allowing her to throw a tantrum and get away with it. This is what she is teaching all the children that see it. Yell and make a fuss enough and you get what you want. Is that what you want them to learn?

              Stop thinking that standing up to her and pushing back will be detrimental to the kids. Not doing it has an effect on them as its stands.

              We have all these campaigns about bullying but as adults we continue to show our kids the reality out there; we cave to bullies and let them run our lives.

              You have it in you to push back and it will be for the right reasons.

              Best wishes.

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              • #37
                We are so tired of the fight. We each have missed so much work. At the end of the day, we have to pick the lesser of two evils - we have bills to pay and large support as well.

                Dad is contemplating forwarding the hostile thread to the psych and advising he is going to have to reschedule since we don't know when kid is coming or going, and we can't take the day off to accommodate. If he needs to see the child we can offer to reschedule. Does this sound like a good plan?

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                • #38
                  Sorry, forgot to add: and we would copy mom on same email.

                  On an aside, we had hopes/thoughts her spouse was more reasonable and rational than her. Given he wrote and signed last night's hostile email that hope/thought went out the window.

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                  • #39
                    I think Dad has the right idea. I see no need to copy her on the letter though - it might be seen as adding conflict as opposed to resolution. No need to be overly courteous to someone who is making things so difficult.

                    Make it the doc's problem to schedule as per the access agreement. End the emailing to the mother (OFW is supposed to curtail nonsense and discourage unnecessary emailing is it not?) I think you are being overly accommodating to the mother and she is clearly taking advantage of you.

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                    • #40
                      I think its time you took a stronger stand. All your nice accommodating of Mom to avoid conflict has clearly not worked. You still have stress and conflict in your life. The children see this stress and that is not good for them.

                      So perhaps you need to take one giant step and " say no" cancel the psych appointment and all future appointments until you have a workable schedule. It does not seem to be moving anyone in the right direction, just another stressor for you and another reason for her to cause you all grief. Give their office, as others have suggested, your parenting schedule and inform them NOT to make appointments on your time. Ask them to contact you if Mom tries to book an appointment and then cancel it. Ignore all her screaming and say NO. Loud and clear. Inform the school that Mom cannot pick up child when it is your parenting time. I assume they have a schedule.

                      Your are Serene I get that, admire,that, and its great. In a perfect world the children will prosper well in a " serene" environment. But children are not fools and they know what is going on. Be Serene and get trampled on, Scream and shout and get mad and get your own way! Not the lesson you are trying to teach them.

                      Time

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                      • #41
                        Thank you for all your replies.

                        I don't think the school will enforce that mom cannot pick up the child. They have a schedule but not the order from the court. If you recall, the final order was held up by mom/her lawyer. And is now waiting for a judge to sign/stamp it. Its been on a pile (second from top we are told) for eight weeks.

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                        • #42
                          A few questions:

                          You say you and your husband are both working during the time of the scheduled appointment and that the child is supposed to be at school. So my questions are:

                          What time is the appointment?
                          What time does school end?
                          What time would you normally be off work to start your parenting time with the child?

                          What I am getting at is, will this impact your parenting time? Not the appointment, but any "extra" time the ex takes. If lets say the appointment is at 2:30 and would be done at 3:30 to start your parenting time, I'd give the ex however long it would normally take to get from the office to your house as a grace period. So if it takes 30 minutes to get from point A to point B, I'd advise the mom that you will be home at 4pm and expect the child to be returned at that time. That if she has errands to run, she can do it after she drops off the child, and on her own time. That you have plans for the evening and that should she delay those plans, you intend on extending your parenting time by an equivalent length of time in order to be compensated for her unwillingness to cooperate or respect your parenting time.

                          And go from there. It sounds like she has the upper hand in this regard, simply because she is off. But if she starts imposing on your actual time with the child, not school because that isn't really your parenting time (it isn't hers either, I feel it is neutral), just start holding onto the kid for the same length of time.

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                          • #43
                            We have children from we'd afternoon until monday afternoon. App is friday at noon until 1 pm. She should have child home or back to school by 130. School ends at 340.

                            However she never returns children back to school. And she refuses to communicate what time she will drop child off at our home. We merely asked if she could commit to having child returned to our home by 4 pm. She refuses to answer. We have no issue with the appointment itself. We take issue that we don't know when child will be returned.

                            A few weeks ago she advised us she was going to take the other child for an appointment and then for a late lunch so she could have one on one time with the child. Same situation, our time - not hers, and it would have impeded on our time AND our dinner plans. Her response: I never get one on one time with the child blah blah blah

                            In case you don't know our situation - in January we received a new access schedule. We have the children longer periods of time now. This is obviously problematic for her - kids have no issue being separated from mom but mom does....we were at a school function on friday and she approached each child 6 times within a 30 minute presentation at school...

                            All that to say, we can advise all we want she needs to return child to school or to our home - she won't, even though it's our parenting time.

                            Comment


                            • #44
                              Originally posted by Serene View Post
                              A few weeks ago she advised us she was going to take the other child for an appointment and then for a late lunch so she could have one on one time with the child. Same situation, our time - not hers, and it would have impeded on our time AND our dinner plans. Her response: I never get one on one time with the child blah blah blah
                              Actually, you are incorrect in my opinion. It is not "your" or "their" time but, the child's time. You have to always remember that access is the child's time with the parents not the other way around.

                              Access schedules do not define "ownership" of a child nor does it prevent another parent from seeing a child per-say. This is why the majority of access orders include provisions that parents can attend at any school event, sport event, etc... There isn't (and often shouldn't be) a huge IRON WALL between when a child can access their parent.

                              What harm did it cause the child to spend this time with the other parent. I can tell you that the majority of Section 30 assessment reports I have seen often recommend that there be provisions to allow one-on-one time with each parent when there are multiple children.

                              Originally posted by Serene View Post
                              ...we were at a school function on friday and she approached each child 6 times within a 30 minute presentation at school...
                              And what harm did this cause the children? Honestly. Try and think about it from a different angle. The other parent had every right to be there and the child has a right to have contact with this parent. It isn't "your time" it is the child's time and the child's event. Unless there was some significant issue you are best to let it go.

                              You may very well be dealing with an over-anxious parent but, unless there is some danger to the children from the conduct of the parent in question... I recommend ignoring it. Clearly it is bothering you and there is little anyone can offer on how you can resolve the problem without simply just ignoring it.

                              If there are parenting style issues always remember:

                              Your Social Worker - Gary Direnfeld, MSW, RSW

                              Good Luck!
                              Tayken

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                              • #45
                                Aha Tayken! I can't cut and paste quotes from my phone but will say this:

                                No other parent's in the room approached their children as much as this mom did. That in itself is indicative of the norm. And I never said that it was wrong or caused harm. However kids psych has an opinion on this and states that it is not beneficial to the child. In fact, he believes that a quick hello and good bye is what is recommended, not hovering around a child during the other parent's time.

                                And yes it is the "children's time with parent A or B". But if parent B is setting the agenda during parent a's time that is not appropriate without seeking permission.

                                If mom wants one on one time we will gladly take the other child any time. But we should, in theory and under the law, be able to plan the children's time with their paternal family as we see fit.


                                Kids psych recommended Gary. Mom refuses to engage. We have even spoken to Gary and without mom on board he won't engage.

                                The children have as much right having an unfettered relationship with dad as they do mom. We afford mom this and mom does not give this to the children or us.

                                Kids deserve both parents. Not just left over time and effort when mom has her knickers in a knot.

                                Comment

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