What would you do?

[mom2three]

I have come to an agreement via phone/conference. Nothing has been written in stone.

In the agreement one of his weeks has been eliminated (it is a time he has had with the children without an agreement for five years). He hasn't picked up on it.

I DO NOT want to keep him away from the children and I encourage his involvement at all times. That being said, when I make an effort to make compromises, he is not forthcoming.

He is going to blow a gasket when he realizes this week no longer exists. I say, not my problem, he signed knowing ...............the other part of me says it is about time I had some form of ammunition to perhaps work with him.

We live several hours away from each other. I have not had any holiday besides Xmas with the children. I would like to have Thanksgiving this year and I may actually get it with this clause, by using it as a form of negotiation.

That being said, I feel bad really. I would prefer things were honest and work from there. But I am dealing with a jerk. He can have the children over and above his time but he has never made an effort. And when he is supposed to take the children, he has declined (has to work to pay child support).

What to do?

[GoDiegoGo]

If you think he will be upset from the mistake, then you should do the right thing and ask him about it.

Don't let a 'jerk' change the good person you are. Eventually your good deeds will wear off on him and he'll start acting better with you and the kids.

[Mess]

Both of you should sit down with your respective lawyers and go over the agreement clause by clause to ensure you each understand all of the implications.

That is his opportunity to "blow a gasket" and his opportunity to either let his lawyer talk him down and agree to this compromise, or for him to decide to draw his boundaries and fight for what he wants.

You can't force him to sign anything, and you are not manipulating him as long as he gets ILA. At some point he has to shit or get off of the pot. You are making him an offer, he can accept or reject. Just keep that in perspective.

Negotiation strategy is usually broken down into 4 phases:

Aggressive, where each side demands what they want for their own benefit. This is actually a very positive phase if it is handled correctly, because it is honest and each knows where the other stands. The important thing is to not get stuck here.

This ideally should move into collaborative. Each party should be working to come up with ideas so that there is "more in the pot" to split. For example if one party can complete their education with the help of the other, and then supporting the children can be done more equitably, or spousal support can end, etc. It is a phase of seeing that if you work together there can be more availble for each of you. This is "win-win."

If one or both people get stuck in aggressive stance, then it becomes a battle for who gets what they want. The result will be "win-lose."

If there is no possibility of a collaboritve settlement, then the parties should try to compromise. Compromise is misunderstood, it is not an ideal solution. It means each side is losing something, "lose-lose." The good thing about it is that it means an end to conflict - hopefully. The bad thing is that each side will walk away feeling they could have done better. It may not end the conflict for that reason.

If negotiations fail, any decision from a judge or arbitrator will fall under one of those results: "win-win," "win-lose," "lose-lose."

What this should mean to you is that you are not under any obligation to give up what you want in order to seek peace. The only way to truly end conflict is through collaboration. The other solutions are just burying conflict, or postponing it, or having it be redirected into a thousand other petty issues. Even if the other side has "won", conflict doeesn't end because they walk away having got the better of the situation. That isn't an end to conflict if the situation is that unbalanced.

I sense from your writing here that you feel some guilt when stand up for what you want. You need to be mindful of that.

[Janus]

This is a no-brainer. I would let him make the mistake. Then I would be generous every year and let him have the week.

...until he acted like a jerk, then you don't have to wait for mythical karma, you get to deliver it yourself.