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  • #16
    Originally posted by Rioe View Post
    And I think everybody proceeds at their own timeline, and under their own circumstances. Someone with a control-freak ex would take longer, someone who pays lots of CS or SS would take longer, someone who still has to have contact with their ex because of children will take longer. And someone who moved in with their affair partner right away would take much less time!
    Well said.

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    • #17
      Divorce takes a long long time to get over. I'm about 4 years post-separation and it's only really in the last few months that I've felt like an entirely new person. I had periods a couple of years ago when it felt like I literally could not get angry and hateful thoughts about the ex out of my head and wondered if I was doomed to be filled with negativity forever. Those days are gone, now, fortunately (although when ex decides to be a jerk he can still push plenty of buttons).

      One thing I'm pretty sure of is that quick fixes - major changes undertaken to distract yourself from the pain you're going through - don't work. This includes the new bf/gf, whether an affair partner or a rebound or someone off the internet. You have to walk through the dark forest on your own before you can continue on with someone else.

      Like several of the posters here, I was in a long-term (25 year) relationship which began when we were both very young, which meant that my entire adult self was bound up with being half of a couple with my ex. Happily, I can report that it is possible to find a much better love in middle age. I fully expected to spend the rest of my life as a crazy cat lady, but it looks like that may be off the agenda. It took me two and a half years to be able even contemplate entering the dating pool, and I'm glad I waited a good long time. You will know when (or if) the time is right for you to look around again.

      There's a difference between hanging onto your bitterness and anger (feeding it, relishing it, deriving purpose from it), and being stuck with a mind full of bitterness and anger that you really don't want. As long as you keep the intention of moving on and eventually becoming indifferent to your ex, and don't get too comfortable in your anger, you'll be okay in the end, even if it feels like you're stuck at points along the way.

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      • #18
        Originally posted by Craigerst View Post
        Hey Jannibel, do not answer if it makes you uncomfortable but your locations says way up north is it safe to assume Ontario North. Just curious. I love northern Ontario.
        Not at all - I'm in Northern Quebec ... home of poutine and hockey-freaks!

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        • #19
          Originally posted by MommyTime View Post
          Ahh.. The louder they get, the more powerful they feel. Ashamed of him? Don't be!

          Try to think of your ex husband as you would the significance of a mosquito. It might make you feel better. That blood-sucking, annoying and persistent buzzer he is!

          Bzz-bzzzzzzz-zzzt bzzzzz-bzzt at your ear on a hot summer night.

          He'll try to get to you because he needs you to survive; at least he thinks he does.

          The best part is that you're way bigger than him. Stronger than you were before by some of your posts. So empower yourself. Sure, you can wave him away (restraining order), light your citronella candles (build a future) and cover yourself with Off (support). He'll still keep coming back if you let him.

          So let him find his own demise. He'll get tired soon. That judge's gavel might make a few misses too, but before long that essentially insignificant small buzzing sound will meet a very loud smack (trial ruling). And.. (splat!)

          You're not alone. We've all been bitten by mosquitos in some way.

          I hope this silliness helps.
          Thanks, and there's a lot to be said about comic relief! Works for me.

          The mosquito is not doing well at all. There's a strong possibility that I may become a widow before being a divorcee. The Ex being very ill.

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          • #20
            Originally posted by Janibel View Post
            The mosquito is not doing well at all. There's a strong possibility that I may become a widow before being a divorcee. The Ex being very ill.
            Did mosquito contract the West Nile Virus himself? Sadly, karma has a way of working things out sometimes. If he survives, I hope a better path will form for him (and away from you!).

            Stay strong, and do not take his illness as an instrument to weaken you (although that can only be up to you). However, you should be proud of the journey you've accomplished.

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            • #21
              Originally posted by stripes View Post

              Like several of the posters here, I was in a long-term (25 year) relationship which began when we were both very young, which meant that my entire adult self was bound up with being half of a couple with my ex. Happily, I can report that it is possible to find a much better love in middle age. I fully expected to spend the rest of my life as a crazy cat lady, but it looks like that may be off the agenda. It took me two and a half years to be able even contemplate entering the dating pool, and I'm glad I waited a good long time. You will know when (or if) the time is right for you to look around again.
              I can relate to that - the crazy dog lady! I'm still nowhere near ready to think about dating ... I feel it would be a mistake to try to rush the healing process (out of the frying pan into the fire).

              For now I'm concentrating on my family, friends, de-cluttering my life and learning to be at peace with myself by myself (dogs included of course).

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              • #22
                I only hope that everyone gets to where they want to be and it is comforting to hear of some that are still alive after 25+ years married. I hope to one day be able to say I did it or I am close to being normal. For now I recognize I am not. I am still at the emotional wreck stage. It is nice to hear other people with more experience express that it is do-able.

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                • #23
                  Originally posted by Craigerst View Post
                  I only hope that everyone gets to where they want to be and it is comforting to hear of some that are still alive after 25+ years married. I hope to one day be able to say I did it or I am close to being normal. For now I recognize I am not. I am still at the emotional wreck stage. It is nice to hear other people with more experience express that it is do-able.
                  And when did I ever state that I was normal - that is highly debatable lol?

                  How does one begin to cope with it all ... I believe we cope because the alternative option is not an option - at least not in my opinion. Divorcing is never easy especially after a long term marriage and it would be wise to take it one problem at a time.

                  Of course we need legal advice, that goes without saying but there also this new way of life that is somewhat 'alien' to what we have known for many years. That can be daunting in the beginning.

                  I remember the first couple of months, I was a basket-case going from elation at being single to terror at being single (if that makes any sense).
                  Surround yourself with good people, family, friends, those you trust.

                  There were days when all I could do was to set myself on auto-pilot in order to progress ex. call my lawyer, make a cup of tea, walk the dogs, call my dentist, do the wash, don't forget to eat etc.

                  It takes time and patience - remember you are learning to understand who you are now - not who you used to be. It does get better.

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                  • #24
                    I appreciate that advice. It is comforting if you will to hear someone describe themselves as a basket case the first couple of months. That is where I am at now. I have been wandering through many threads reading thing that both scare me and comfort me. I need to first make myself better I beleive is the stage I am at. I need to remember that life is not over. I must remind myself that I could be tied up in a custody issue which I am not. Simply put I have to quit fearing it is the end of the world.

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                    • #25
                      It does feel like the end-of-the-world that you have known ... that's what makes us crazy in the beginning. To have so many unanswered questions and doubts to deal with plus the family, financials, guilt, sense of loss.

                      The best advice that I was given is this: ''you are not a failure because your marriage has failed - 25 years is not a failure, it's a quarter of a century of keeping things together, hard work, dreams and disappointments, raising a family and making sacrifices - no you are NOT a failure!".

                      Make it a point to take really good care of your health at this time in your life. Stress is a killer, you have to find ways of helping yourself get through this.
                      Make a few easy to accomplish plans/projects, so you have things to look forwards to.

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                      • #26
                        I will heed your advice. I notice that I have dropped some weight that I cannot really afford to. My build is slender to begin with. I must watch my health.

                        Comment

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