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Coaching with the intent of effectively dealing with HCP/ex

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  • Coaching with the intent of effectively dealing with HCP/ex

    I discovered this old post and am resurrecting it for myself and others dealing with High Conflict Parent issues - namely my ex. I will assume the mediation service is a court appointed mediator. My experience with mediation was relatively positive, although my ex refused to sign the final SA.
    Now heading to a case conference, my lawyer has suggested a court appointed mediator is a positive approach towards effective co-parenting of our two kids. My ex stands firm in her ways, however I realize we are parents to ours kids for many years to come, so, we must negotiate and take a mature, responsible approach in order to effectively co-parent.
    __________________________________________________ _________
    I discovered recently that our local mediation service will provide a mediator to work as a 'coach' where the other refuses to come (back) to the table. This is an excellent service and I wish I had discovered this years ago. I meet weekly with my coach. We review how the parenting process has gone during the previous week, the effects of those actions/decisions/fights on the children, and talk about how I could have dealt with my ex differently. We also plan strategy -- how I can influence my ex to be responsible, mature and cooperative. Since mediators understand the legal process as well, and have great experience with warring parents, they are in a position to provide excellent strategic advice.

    My coach tells me it is not infrequent for the other parent to return to the table -- they of course don't like these 'professional' discussions about their kids without also having input. And a 'coach' is not prevented from giving evidence in court -- as a coach, there is no requirement of impartiality.
    This too worries the other parent and her lawyer.
    __________________________________________________ _____________

  • #2
    I think taking ownership, having a strategy, knowing what "areas/subjects/hot buttons" to avoid, and not engaging in the drama of the HCP are huge steps in the right direction when it comes to raising children together.

    In my case mediation did not work. In fact, it was like pouring fuel on a fire with my HCP ex. He became so focused on being "right" and having things "his way" that it took 3 - 2 hour sessions for him to agree to how we do holidays every year. The "bang your head against the wall" part of it was that what he finally agreed to (once he thought he was in control again, and that it was "his idea") was what I had proposed in the first 10 minutes of 6 hour (three-week) ordeal. At this point I realized mediation was going to be a huge waste of time as he was taking this approach with all things the mediator brought up as part of the "checklist" (even those which we had been in previous agreement on ).

    I've also found, that over time, the strategy I used in the beginning no longer works. I've had to continually adjust my strategy to the "un-logic" of my HCP ex. Or as I like to refer to it "(his first name)-logic" For me, to really be successful with him, it is a constant dance. One in which I am constantly learning new steps.

    Interestingly enough, what has really worked (everytime) is us sitting down...in public location...putting in writing what the issue is and the final decision...then immediately taking it to be notarized. We have had handwritten documents done in 15 mins over coffee (in the shop next to where we can get things notarized for free) that have put an end to weeks of back and forth "discussion" over some of the larger issues we have faced. Things like where our child will attend school, and travel itineraries so final travel arrangements could be made.

    We also do the notarized document approach for the rules and expectations of co-parenting our child in two different homes. I'm talking things like what chores/activities get what rewards and what type of punishment for certain behaviours that needs to be adjusted. We do it this way because we understand our child needs similar structure and routine at both homes in order to feel safe, secure and do well. We have also found, over the years, that if our child misbehaves at one home it is important the "discipline" be followed through at the other home as well. Things like if TV is taken away for x reason...we let each other know and once our child does x (at either home) then TV is given back...and not before then.

    Now...please understand, we revisit this document (rules and expectations) about 3 times a year and each time you'd think we were re-inventing the darn thing from scratch by the way my ex-HCP approaches it. It literally takes about two-weeks of back and forth...then an hour of coffee in a public place to finalize it...before he is ready to "agree" to anything. The last time we changed 1 thing that had been causing issues...yup...1 change...and the process still took the same amount of time because he had to discuss each item on the document...to make sure he still agreed to (in his words) his original "great ideas" . I have learned (from other things in the past) to never, ever, under any circumstance remind him that doing this was originally my idea (due to his constant snide remarks over discipline and his need for control)...because that would cause an all-out war with his logic and need for control, which would result in him refusing to do anything like this in the future. So I patiently wait for him to go through his "process" each and every time...and in the end we have a co-parenting plan that he follows and is willing to work with. Kind of a win-win all around.

    Now...could we ever do this, or accomplish this, with a third-party "coach". I don't think so. My ex-HCP would never, ever, in a million years, sign off on anything he didn't "feel" was his idea or under his control.

    One of my friends made the comment once that "I am a jedi-master at understanding "(his first name)-logic" and getting him to think that my "common-sense logic" approach to things are really his ideas so he thinks he is in control and agrees". My friend said it took a long time for them to realize that I wasn't "just giving in" to his bullying ways.

    such is the life when you decide to have children with someone who is HCP. Although (and I've said this before) my ex HCP is way more HC in other areas of his life, and I am forever grateful I no longer have to participate with him in those areas as well.

    Comment


    • #3
      MiViLaLoco--interesting. might work.

      Others--how would you do this sort of thing if some of the issues that could quite rightly be resolved this way (but haven't been because the other parent is HC) are part of pending court action?

      Comment

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