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  • #16
    I was angry when my eyes were opened to his abuse...I was in denial for decades. I finally realized this anger was mostly directed at myself, for accepting his abuse, especially for such a long period of time. The physical abuse was the hardest to get over. I'm still hurting from it emotionally.

    He never offered a heartfelt apology, and if he had, I very likely would have stayed with him...especially if he had agreed to receive help. Shortly before leaving him, I stood up for myself during a minor disagreement. He showed his fist to me. I could see he would never change.

    He was my world, and that was the problem, because I should have never let him overtake my heart and soul. He broke my heart and tried to kill my soul and my spirit.

    I wish I could truthfully say that I have forgiven him completely. I have let go and let God take over. I have less anger now and am building a new life for myself.

    It hasn't been easy, but I have never regretted leaving him. Life is much more meaningful now, and I have peace at last.

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    • #17
      Originally posted by caranna View Post

      He never offered a heartfelt apology, and if he had, I very likely would have stayed with him...especially if he had agreed to receive help. Shortly before leaving him, I stood up for myself during a minor disagreement. He showed his fist to me. I could see he would never change.
      Our experiences are very similar ... the first meeting with my lawyer, I explained to him that all I really wanted was for the violence to stop, and for the STBX to 'man-up' and face the fact that he had anger issues. An apology would have made all the difference to me.

      But abusers can't apologize because they don't accept that they have a problem to begin with. I have an ER documented case, police reports and photos and he still claims that it was just a simple argument?

      His denial of the whole thing is causing the criminal case to drag on, so in a way I am being abused again as I will have to deal with this in the future.

      Since our separation I have investigated his past criminal history and learned that he was violent even before I met him. Past gilfriends, school records of bullying and fighting. So I guess that his problems won't go away regardless of anything that I could attempt to do about it.

      I was very young when I met him, I didn't recognize the 'red flags'. He seemed like a very charming and caring person to me - boy was I wrong!

      The first time that he was violent, I was 8 months pregnant, and afterwards he put the blame on me for being 'over sensitive' because of my condition? What a winner?

      I have forgiven the young woman that I was then, she didn't know any better .... I'm older and wiser now (thank God)

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      • #18
        I want to clarify that even if he had apologized and sought help for his abusive ways, I ​ might have considered "staying" with him, but on condition that he really did show change. Any more abuse and I would have left (or have had him leave) immediately.

        Since I did not report his abuse to the police (indeed, I kept it a secret from every one), it is doubtful I could obtain information about his possible criminal charges.

        He has always worn a pleasing persona to impress other people, very agreeable, and even charming. I was fooled by him too before marriage. People would have never guessed the person he really was and still is I imagine. The judge got a taste of his real self at the case conference this month.

        I just wish he would realize that he can't control me any longer. It is time for him to let go.
        Last edited by caranna; 06-28-2013, 09:54 PM.

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        • #19
          Originally posted by caranna View Post
          The judge got a taste of his real self at the case conference this month.
          Yes, the truth does eventually finds its way home. My STBX was verbally abusive to my lawyer (at the courthouse - with countless observers), also to the police officer who was accompanying me and to the DV advocate who just happened to be there for another case.

          I was very upset by all this though my lawyer was pleased. Afterwards he reassured me that my STBX was making his job much easier by behaving like an idiot in public. My lawyer is certain that he will 'lose it' again once we appear before the judge, as his bitterness and anger are palpable.

          It's been over a year now since the restraining order was issued, and on the rare occasions when I have been in his presence - I can't understand how I managed to spend/survive 27 years with this person?

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