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Parenting Issues This forum is for discussing any of the parenting issues involved in your divorce, including parenting of step-children.

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  #31  
Old 08-04-2012, 08:56 PM
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I'm a firm believer that there are a select few who are so high conflict, that they can cause chaos all by themselves.
  #32  
Old 08-04-2012, 09:33 PM
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Originally Posted by hadenough View Post
I'm a firm believer that there are a select few who are so high conflict, that they can cause chaos all by themselves.
Oh definitely,I sometimes wonder if the only reason these kind of people get into relationships,is just to have someone to fight with besides themselves.I suppose the make up sex got kind of boring on their own
  #33  
Old 08-04-2012, 09:36 PM
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Lol. Probably. Ewww. The thought of my ex and sex in the same sentence makes me cringe. I'm just so glad we don't ever talk. That one aspect is so very peaceful
  #34  
Old 08-04-2012, 09:50 PM
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I dont talk either,its easier that way.Its funny but there isnt a single aspect of the marriage I miss.Well they say opposites attract-thats a myth!When it happens its only happens for a short time.Ive never been happier, then since we split.When my divorce goes through I will think about dating again Hey there has to be logical men with small baggage out there lol!
  #35  
Old 08-05-2012, 12:11 AM
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I dont talk either,its easier that way.Its funny but there isnt a single aspect of the marriage I miss.Well they say opposites attract-thats a myth!When it happens its only happens for a short time.Ive never been happier, then since we split.When my divorce goes through I will think about dating again Hey there has to be logical men with small baggage out there lol!
I find it interesting that people wait until they get "divorce papers" to start dating again after separation. In many situations it may be beneficial to engage in a new relationship especially if there is emotional detachment from the other person.

Many people date/find new intimate partners after seperation. The court won't hold it against someone and in fact, often a judge will see this as a positive thing so long as the new partner is not involved in the conflict and making things worse for any children involved.

People move on in their lives. There are two people involved in a separation and divorce. There are no legal concepts of "trial separation" and the use of this concept is often miss used. Once you separate from someone you start the legal process for divorce.

The statistics of two people getting back together after a "separation" is low to almost never. So, why sit around pining for someone who doesn't want to be with you, is unwilling to invest into the relationship and may have possibly already brought matters before the court for "divorce" and "separation".

Although this may be "cheating" as soon as a spouse leaves the house, they leave the commitment to the relationship, child support starts at that point and so does your new life.

You are either together working to solve the relationship problems or you are separate and apart seeking a new life. The myth of "the heart grows fonder in one's absence" is just that... A myth. Relationships work on being able to communicate with the other partner. If you are unable to communicate the relationship is doomed to failure and no time apart will solve that problem.

So, I am one for encouraging people to move on and do what is in their best interests... If that is to start a new relationship... That is one of the purposes of "separation"... To find new opportunities in life.

If you truly want to "fix" the problem in the relationship that has to be done jointly by learning to communicate, resolving problems and doing that together and not separate and apart.

Sitting around pining that the other person will come back is only going to make matters worse for someone.

The only challenge comes when your ex-partner is highly conflicted and this would aggravate the situation, cause more legal nightmares and if they are the kind of person that would actually file an contempt motion because you have a "current partner" that isn't them. But, this only demonstrates further why you are no longer with that person. It demonstrates their "controlling" pattern of behaviour by using the legal system to gain control.

In fact, you may be lucky enough to find someone who is kind, caring, a good parent, loving and supportive at this time.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #36  
Old 08-05-2012, 12:43 AM
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Oh dear no!Im not in mourning or wishing to get back together.I have moved on and have a completely new life .I do not wish to scare off a nice guy by getting involved, while still before the courts dealing with a very high conflict ex.There is no telling what he could do really.But perhaps Im giving him too much of an input anyway, by anticipating his next round of crazy.Thank you Tayken for a outside perspective on it.Next time a friend tries to set me up on a blind date I may just give it a shot
  #37  
Old 08-05-2012, 08:29 AM
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Oh dear no! Im not in mourning or wishing to get back together.
Wasn't implying that... I was just suggesting that a lot of people (not necessarily you) often feel that if they get involved with a new partner during separation prior to divorce that they will be hit with "adultery". The legal system is slow, people have different objectives in life and the legal system won't "punish" anyone for having truly "moved on" and finding a new partner although they don't have a legal "divorce".

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I have moved on and have a completely new life . I do not wish to scare off a nice guy by getting involved, while still before the courts dealing with a very high conflict ex.
Your new partner is going to have to deal with the reality of the very high conflicted ex-partner. Be it while you are attempting to settle matters or after you settle matters. If children are involved this is guaranteed.

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Originally Posted by murphyslaw View Post
There is no telling what he could do really. But perhaps Im giving him too much of an input anyway, by anticipating his next round of crazy.
Don't live in anticipation of what might happen next. It will only make you anxious. Live for what is best for you in life. Clearly not being with your ex-partner is not what either of you wants. So, why should your moving on and meeting anyone be a problem? Sure, a highly conflicted person will make it a nightmare but, they are going to do that all the time. Some times it is better to let their emotional reasoning, anger, and other maladjusted thinking unfold before the court. No one ever was found guilty of contempt for truly moving on before the court... Many highly conflicted individuals have tried... None have been successful and in fact, it makes their case even worse for them.

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Originally Posted by murphyslaw View Post
Thank you Tayken for a outside perspective on it. Next time a friend tries to set me up on a blind date I may just give it a shot.
You are not obligated to disclose your personal life to your ex-partner. Enjoy your time, the company of others and explore the opportunities out there. It will probably demonstrate to you why you are separated and soon to be divorced probably.

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder..." doesn't apply generally in my opinion when someone files an Application to court for separation and divorce.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #38  
Old 08-05-2012, 08:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tayken View Post
Wasn't implying that... I was just suggesting that a lot of people (not necessarily you) often feel that if they get involved with a new partner during separation prior to divorce that they will be hit with "adultery". The legal system is slow, people have different objectives in life and the legal system won't "punish" anyone for having truly "moved on" and finding a new partner although they don't have a legal "divorce".
Just letting out my own stuff here, for the first couple of years after separation I avoided dating. I was stressed and thinking constantly about legal shit, tracking finances, dealing with a high conflict ex and contant complaints and criticism. I didn't feel there was any way I could date someone and not drag my stress and conflict into the new relationship. Having kids to care for 5 nights a week also put a damper on things, and I had no desire to introduce my kids to someone new unless I had a sense that the relationship would be stable and healthy.

As a result I stayed on my own for the first years, dated tentatively, had one relationship that didn't go anywhere, and then continue to date tentatively. I'm quite happy with this, being single has been a relief after years of a bad marriage, and I certainly feel 100% healthier than I was when I first separated.

Not everyone is the same, but I have a hard time imagining how people can jump into something new while they are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce.
  #39  
Old 08-05-2012, 09:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
I didn't feel there was any way I could date someone and not drag my stress and conflict into the new relationship.
Living under the constant barrage of negative projections, allegations, constant conflict and stress is often the objective of the other person doing it. The process of separation and divorce for them is more about vengeance often than "moving on" with their life.

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Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Having kids to care for 5 nights a week also put a damper on things, and I had no desire to introduce my kids to someone new unless I had a sense that the relationship would be stable and healthy.
It is often hard to develop an adult relationship with someone under the constant bombardment of negative projections and constant blame. Highly conflicted people often have developed a strong method of control over the other person through "fear, obligation and guilt". They continue this throughout the separation leveraging the patterns of behaviour they got from you often using the same conflict tactics. Threats, emotional outbursts, blaming, etc...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mess View Post
Not everyone is the same, but I have a hard time imagining how people can jump into something new while they are in the middle of an acrimonious divorce.
Well, many people do it, and as demonstrated in the following case law, it does create conflict and make matters even worse, ultimately what is important is being happy.

You can't control what others do in the situation but, you can always control yourself, your emotions and how you manage the situation. For some people this is exceptionally hard to do when they are under the barrage of a highly conflicted person's distortion campaign.

Good Luck!
Tayken
  #40  
Old 08-05-2012, 11:39 AM
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arabian arabian is offline
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I ditto Mess. Can't imagine another relationship until the situation I'm in right now is cleaned up and behind me. Ex just won't let that happen so for now I'm single. After so many years living with a demanding, demeaning, negative individual I'm in no big rush to pursue another relationship. "Once bitten twice shy" definitely applies to me. However, wtih that said I believe that one should never say "never" to future relationships as I do believe there are decent people out there somewhere.
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